What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch?

Names.

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A pirate walked into a bar.

He had a wooden leg, an eye patch and a hook for a hand. The bartender was curious.
"How did you get that wooden leg?" he asked.

The pirate took a swig of ale. "'Twas a terrible sea battle. I stood bravely, directly facing 12 cannons.All they managed to hit was my leg."

The bartende...

"Aye aye captain" as a greeting for Pirates with eyepatch should be wrong.

The correct one is "Aye, captain"

Why do pirates often have an eyepatch, a hook or wooden leg?

They can afford healthcare.

What do you call someone with no arms, no legs and an eyepatch?

Names.




All credit to Bo Burnham for this one.

What do you call a pirate without an eyepatch?

Eye Eye Captain

Is it rude to go up to someone with an eyepatch and say

"Was it all fun and games up until that point?"

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The sailor and the pirate

One day, a sailor met a pirate. The pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eyepatch. The sailor asked the pirate, “How did you get your peg leg?” The pirate replied, “Aargh, a whale bit me leg off.” Next, the sailor asked, “How did you get your hook?” The pirate replied, “Me crew was in a battle with ...

I don't make friends with people wearing eyepatches.

Friendship has two 'i's.

Why did the pirate only see half of a movie?

Because he was wearing an eyepatch.

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A man walks into a bar...

He sits down next to a guy with a peg leg, a metal hook for a hand, and an eyepatch.

He orders a beer, looks at the guy next to him, and asks "What are you supposed to be, a pirate?"

"Yarr, I am" replies the pirate.

"You must have some crazy stories about your leg, your hand, an...

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A pirate walks into a bar

The bartender notices the pirate has a peg leg.

Bartender: Wow! What happened to your leg?

Pirate: We was in a fight on the high seas and there ‘‘twas a cannonball shot into it. They had to amputate me leg.

The bartender then notices a hook on one of his arms.

Bartender: ...

What is the name of Apple's revolutionary new product that allows elite pirates to see from their eyepatches.

The iEyeCaptain

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The pirate

A man walks into a pub down by the wharf and sits at the bar next to a man with an eyepatch, a hook on his right hand and a wooden leg. The man exclaims, " Wow you must be a pirate!" How did you lose your leg? The pirate looks over and says, "well lad it was my first day onboard me ship, I haven't q...

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A pirate with an eye patch, a peg leg, and a hook walks into a bar.

The bartender notices him, and decides to ask about his injuries.

"So..." he starts off, "How'd you get that peg leg?"

"A shark bit off me leg."

"And the hook?"

"An enemy pirate cut off me hand."

The bartender gasps, fascinated by the pirate's stories.

"Wha...

A pirates first day

It's a pirate's first day on a new ship. While swabbing the deck, he is approached by the captain. The captain is a weathered, veteran sailer and has three of the iconic pirate maladies- a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and an eyepatch.


The new pirate asks the captain how he got the peg leg....

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A Pirate walks into a bar

(The funniest joke my friend told me, hope it hasn't been posted here before)

A Pirate enters a bar and goes to the bartender to ask for a drink.

The bartender eyes the pirate and asks him how he ended up looking like that.

"Ah you must mean the peg-leg, me lad. 'Tis a fine tale...

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A sailor meets a pirate in a bar.

They take turns boasting about their great conquests and adventures on the ocean. The sailor is curious about the pirate's peg leg, hook, and eyepatch.

"How did you end up with a peg-leg?" he asks.

"We were in a storm and I was swept overboard. I started climbing back onto the ship, bu...

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One day, an excited young boy is visiting the docks when he meets an ACTUAL pirate!

This pirate is the real deal: parrot on the shoulder, peg leg, eyepatch, hook hand, sword on the hip. You could not imagine a more stereotypical looking pirate.

The boy runs up to him, squealing with delight. “Oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh! You’re a real pirate!”

“Aye, laddie,” the ...

The contestants of the Nashville beauty pageant enter the stage.

Infront of them is an audience of over 2000 and a judging panel consisting of one man, on his own, wearing an eyepatch.

Suddenly, the judge thrusts his arm out infront of him. He opens his hand out, and there, sitting in the middle of his palm is a bee staring intensely at the contestants on ...

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A man is on his first day as a crewman of a pirate ship

A man is on his first brutal day as a crewman of a pirate ship. He is swabbing the decks, heaving ropes, and emptying pisspots. All the horrible jobs delegated the new sailor.

Then out onto the deck steps the meanest, crustiest, saltiest pirate captain you can imagine. He's got a peg leg,...

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A pirate meets a stranger one day, and is very curious about the pirate's injuries.

The stranger looks down at the pirate's legs, and asks, "Say, why do you have a wooden leg?"

The pirate replies, "Ya see, we we're fightin' some other ship down yonder and a canonball from the enemies struck my leg and wiped it clean off!"

The stranger was interested, and noticed the p...

A pirate walks into a bar

A pirate walks into a bar with a peg leg, an eyepatch, a parrot on his shoulder and a steering wheel in his pants.

The bartender says, “you’ve got a steering wheel in your pants”.

The pirate replies with, “arrr, I know, it’s driving me nuts!”.

When do you say Aye, aye, Captain vs Aye, Captain?

It depends on whether he has an eyepatch or not.

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A man is walking down to the docks to check out his new boat.

As he approaches he sees a honest to goodness pirate ship docking nearby. He is beside himself when he sees the most stereotypical pirate hobbling off the boat.

The pirate has a red bandana, a peg leg, a hook for a hand and an eyepatch. The man can't help himself, he has to talk to the guy.<...

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A pirate walks into a bar... [Long]

A pirate walks into a bar. He has two peg legs, two hooks for hands, and is wearing two eyepatches. As he sits at the bar, one of the patrons turns to him and says, "Excuse me, I can't help but notice you have two peg legs. How did that happen?"


The pirate responds, "Yarrr, matey. I...

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A pirate captain was telling his first mate how he got his injuries

First he points to his peg leg. "You see," he says, "I got thrown overboard in a terrible storm an' a great white shark bit off me leg before I could climb back up."
"That's amazing," the first mate replies, "and what happened to your hand?"
"We was boarding a ship to take its plunder an' ...

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A pirate limps into a bar...

A pirate comes limping into a bar on a peg leg and orders a drink. The bartender asks him how he lost his leg.

"Shark bit me bloody leg off."

A week later, same pirate limps into the bar, this time with a hook where his hand used to be. Bartender says "Boy, you're having a rough time,...

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The singing blowjob

A man is at work and here's his coworkers talking about their wild weekend. Apparently the local brothel has a new prospect who can sing while performing falacio. The man must see this so he goes to the brothel and asks for the service. The maiden agreed told him to go in the room put on a blindfold...

A cruise ship is sailing in the Caribbean..

The cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man with an eyepatch running around and waving his arms wildly.

“Captain,” one passenger asks, “who is that man over there?”

“I have no idea,” the captain says, “but he goes nuts every year when we pass him...

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Sea captain joke

A young sailor is walking the
docks and spots a sea captain, examining his deck. The sea captain has a peg leg, a hook and an eyepatch. The young sailor, curious, asks the captain "How did you get your peg leg?" The captain replies "Arrr it was a stormy night, and a gust of wind blew me of me bo...

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A naval officer and a pirate meet in an inn...

The naval officer notices that the pirate has a wooden leg, hook hand, and eyepatch. They begin chatting over drinks, and the officer asks, "So, how did you get the wooden leg?"

The pirate replies, "We were caught in a big storm at sea and I got swept overboard into shark-infested waters. And...

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I met a pirate today.

I met a pirate today at the bus stop, as I was waiting for the 151 bus to go downtown. I know he was a pirate, because he had an eyepatch, and a hook, and a peg leg, the whole deal. That, and I asked him.
"Excuse me, sir, but are you a pirate?" I asked.
"Arr, I be a pirate, aye."
"Oh, that ...

An old pirate walks into a bar...

He had the whole package: pegleg, hook for hand and an eyepatch.
He gets some stares from the other guests as he takes his seat by the bar.
Eventually one of the guests dares to ask: "how did you lose your leg?"
"Arr I only fell overboard one time in me whole pirate career and that's when ...

A Pirate Walks Into a Bar

The bartender immediately sees the man has an eyepatch and peg leg, but notices something strange.

The man has a steering wheel right on his crotch.

Bewildered, the bartender asks, "I understand the eyepatch and peg leg, but what's with the steering wheel on your crotch?"

The pi...

What's your favorite pirate joke?

Friend has an eyepatch on for some reason or another and I'm running out of decent jokes.

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An intern's first day on a pirate ship...

A pirate and his protege are together on a ship. The protege asks the pirate, "Barnabus, how did you get that peg leg?"
The pirate replied "I was in a rigorous battle, attempting to plunder another ship. Out of nowhere came a cannonball, and blew my leg square off!"
"Well then, how did you acq...

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The navy caught a pirate armada.

The admiral of the navy went to interrogate the pirate captain. He noticed that the captain was missing a leg, had a hook on a hand and was wearing an eyepatch. So he asked him the story behind them.
The pirate captain said, "I lost the hand 5 years ago, while fighting with the English army. So I...

My friend's son wanted to be a "Super-Pirate" for his birthday...

But after running against the door he discovered that even a "Super-Pirate" only needs one eyepatch

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The Ballad of Ole Woodeye

There once was a man named John Haywood. He worked as a farmhand in Louisiana back in the 1930's, and was quite the skilled worker. Every day he would show up on time and work his hardest. One fateful afternoon, while baling hay, a wire snapped. His right eye was mutilated beyond any possible repair...

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A pirate walks into a bar with a leg, hand and eye missing...

ONe of his old friends happens to be in this same bar and immediately calls to him, "Hey, Cap'n! Long time no see! You seem rough, care to explain?"

The captain explains his leg first. "I lost a bet in a gambling, and I had to get into a cannon to be launched into the sea. One of my men got t...

Why did Snake walk into the bar?

Because he wears an eyepatch and has poor depth perception.

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A young sailor is listening to an old pirate tell his stories...

...and notices that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eyepatch. The young man asks the pirate, "How did you get your peg leg?"

"Well you see," says the pirate, "I once got so rip, roaring drunk, that I stumbled and fell overboard. The crew scrambled to fish me out, and just as I was be...

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A pirate walks into a bar...

A pirate walks into a bar and sits. He is dressed as a stereotypical pirate, with a hook hand, peg leg, eyepatch, and a parrot on his shoulder. As the bartender prepares his drink, he asks, "What happened to your hand?" The pirate replies, "I was sparring with me crew and one cut off me hand." Barte...

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