UPJOKE
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Mask Jokes

How do you tell the difference between a fully vaccinated person and an unvaccinated person if they aren't wearing a mask?

Ask them who won the election.

Passenger: why should I have to wear a mask if yours works?

Passenger: why should I have to wear a mask if yours works?

Driver: damn good point *turns off headlights*

Passenger: what are you doing it’s dark

Driver: chill the other cars have them on

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nurse at the ICU noticed a patient trying to say something through his oxygen mask.

Nurse: Sorry, what was that again?

Patient: Are my testicles black?

Nurse : Excuse me?

Patient : Are my testicles black?

The nurse was quite young and beautiful,and was used to getting hit on by patients. But seeing the state the poor man was in, she decided to check ...

I recently bought my pet duck a mask, to protect it from corona virus...

It’s nothing flashy, but it fits the bill

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I ran into the gas station with my mask on saying, "This is a Stick Up!"

The clerk laughed.

The man paying for a coffee laughed.

The lady grabbing a candy bar laughed.

They thought I was joking, so I quickly made a small purchase.

When the cashier had the drawer open, I said hand me the large bills and a carton behind the counter.

The c...

How does Darth Vader eat with a mask on?

He force feeds himself.

Without a mask on, I shopped at a store that had a strict mask policy.

Before leaving, I asked the security guard why he let me shop without a cover and he said that Halloween masks are acceptable too. :\_(

It's 2023, and I still tell my subscribers on YouTube to wear a mask.

Because who knows? My video could go viral.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last year I opened the door to a kid doing ‘trick or treat’ in a Gloria Gaynor mask!

At first I was afraid...

My niece just showed me a picture of her new girlfriend dressed in hockey gear, pads, mask and all

I said "She looks like a keeper"

"Oh no, the rubber ripped!"

\- Alissa (24 years old) panics, jumps up from bed, and runs into bathroom

\- Manuel (25) needs new tires for his car

\-Lara (27) now has *no* pony-tail

\- Ben (28) holds his covid-mask to his face in the bus

\-David (29) watches his friend during bungee-jump

In 50 years: "You know, kids, back in my day, we had to wear masks everywhere we went at one point."

We didn't have those fancy hazmat suits you all wear today

A man wearing a ski mask walks into a sperm bank, holding a gun he orders the receptionist to open the vault.

“But sir, this is just a sperm bank” replied the receptionist.

“I don’t care,” the man screamed, “open the vault.”

The receptionist opens the vault and inside are dozens of sperm samples. The man says “ Now take one of those sperm samples and drink it” the man demands.

“ But sir...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man in hospital bed wearing an Oxygen mask.

"Nurse" he mumbles "are my testicles black?" Nurse raises his penis and checks his testicles..she takes a close look and says, "They are fine Sir" Man takes off oxygen mask, smiles and says very very slowly, thanks for that, but listen very carefully,

"Are-my-test-re-sults-back?"

They worked hard to uncover the masked Refrigerator thief

But the case went cold

Has Covid-19 forced you to wear glasses and a mask at the same time?

You may be entitled to condensation.

To everyone with covid, walking around without a mask on,

You people make me sick

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Call me Trumper if you must, but I've got proof masks don't do shit.

Last Thursday my wife went on a business trip and they made her wear a mask the whole time - but she got chlamydia anyway!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Are my testicles Black?

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, S...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Bad Tooth

A customer goes to the dentist for a bad tooth. He sits down in the chair and the dentist comes in with his tools and a needle.
“Ok bud, today we are going to inject a numbing agent into your gum to pull that sucker out.” says the dentist. “But I don’t like needles!” The customer replies.
Afte...

Every Scooby-Doo episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions.

**Every** Scooby-Doo **episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions.**

An armed masked man bursts into a bank yelling "EVERYBODY PUT YOUR HANDS UP, THIS IS A ROBBERY!"

The patrons and staff, terrified, comply.


He's loading up his sack with cash when his mask slips off. He quickly pulls it back up and sees two guys who may have seen his face. He points his gun at the first.


"Did you see my face?"


"Yes"


BANG, he sh...

Back in the 80's I was walking in Belfast when I was accosted by a masked man, brandishing a gun.

He asked "Are you a Catholic or a Protestant"? I replied "Neither, I'm an Atheist". The Gunman was silent for a moment, then finally said "Is that a Catholic Atheist or a Protestant Atheist"?

I asked my friend why he only wore a mask when he was in church.

He said his doctor advised him to wear them religiously.

When everyone on a train in Germany takes their masks off and suddenly the internet works properly, how does that work?

The train crossed the border to Denmark.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Halloween Party

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need on his good time being...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do people refuse to wear masks?

Because they can't stand the smell of the shit that comes out of their mouth.

Armed man storms into a sperm bank wearing a ski mask

He shouts "**everybody hit the floor!**" and shoots his gun twice at the ceiling. Everybody hits the floor in muffled panic. He then approaches the main desk and accosts the lady behind the counter:

\- **you! bank lady! where is the storage vault?**

\+ it's downstairs but--

\- ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

woman's new perfume

A woman stepped into an elevator at Macy’s Department store after having just purchased a new perfume called Essence of Snowy Pines.



All of a sudden as she stood in the elevator; she had an unstoppable urge to fart.



Since she was alone on the elevator, she let rip a lon...

Just been in to Starbucks and the barista was wearing a face mask

I asked "Why are you wearing a surgical mask?"


She said "I'm not, it's a coughy filter."

Just because you have a big nose doesn't mean you shouldn't wear a mask

I mean, I still wear underwear.



Saw this on a church billboard a year ago.

Yo Momma is so ugly

The government extended mask mandates to give everyone's eyes a break

TIFU by accidentally cheating on my wife at a BDSM convention with a woman who was wearing the same leather mask

Whoops, wrong sub

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When you fart with a mask on and can still smell it

One of them is shit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Hippie and the Nun

The Hippie and the Nun

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop.

When the bus starts again, the bu...

There is a law that says you don't have to wear a mask

It's called Natural Selection

2 lawyers were stood in a queue at a bank. As they were chatting, some masked robbers came in to the bank and demanded everyone hands over their wallets.

The first lawyer calmly takes his wallet out of his pocket, takes $1000 out of his wallet and hands it to the second lawyer and says “here you go, this is that $1000 I owe you”

Why do the french wear their mask on the neck?

They don't want cou vide .

PSA do not wear a washington wizards face mask.

CDC studies have shown they provide no defense

Ever since masks became mandatory...

...I only drink *filtered* coffee.

masks.

Have you noticed that a man with a beard wearing a mask looks a lot like a female 1970s underwear model?

Three women are changing at the gym when a man wearing nothing but a ski mask enters the changeroom and starts dancing in front of the women.

The first woman looks at the man and says, "I don't know who this guy is, but he isn't my husband!"

The second woman takes a closer look at the man. Then she turns to the first woman and says, "You are right. He isn't your husband."

The third woman takes an even closer look and says, "...

How do you get a bear out of a cheese shop?

Come on, bear!

How do you hide a horse in a cheese shop?
Mask a pony

Please put on your mask. It saves lives.

Yesterday a friend of mine went out with his girlfriend and on the way to the mall he passed by his wife and she did not recognize him. The mask really saved his life.

What do condoms and masks have in common?

Its safe to come inside if you're wearing them

A man is shopping without a mask on....

Man: *looks at store items without wearing a mask*

Shop Keeper: Hey sir, you can't shop hear without a mask on.

Man: Nah I have a Medical condition that makes it hard for me to breathe.

Shop Keeper: Oh, what condition?

Man: Covid-19

Wearing your mask pulled down beneath your nose actually HELPS other people...

...estimate your IQ.

I have found a solution my glasses fogging up from wearing a mask

I wear a monocle, they only fog up half as much.

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I was snooping around in my wife's dresser drawers while she was gone over the weekend on a 'business trip' and you won't believe what I found. A whip, a mask and handcuffs! Do you know what this means???" he exclaims to the bartender. "My wife is a super h...

They said that a mask and gloves were enough to go to the supermarket.

They lied, everyone else has clothes on.

If you see somebody wearing a mask pulled down below their nose, don’t worry...

Those people are all mouth-breathers anyway

A condom and a mask are sitting together on a park bench.

A condom and a mask are sitting together on a park bench. The condom looks at the mask, and says “they won’t wear you either, huh?”

My wife said I should put the mask on if I'm leaving the house - and so I always do.

But my dog has to be so sick of that stupid movie by now.

God will protect me from COVID-19.

A good Christian man walked into Walmart and was offered a mask by the store greeter. The man politely declined saying God would protect him from Covid. Later the man went to his doctor for a routine check up. The doctor told him everything is fine and they also have all three different types of the...

What do Zombies think when they see someone with a red hat and no mask?

That's a no brainer

Just the other day I was walking down the street when I saw a man being attacked by three masked men, so I had no other choice but to step in.

He didn't stand a chance against the 4 of us.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bartender was getting ready to close for the night when a robber with a ski mask burst in and pulls a gun. He yells to the bartender, "This is a stick-up! Put all your money in this bag!"

The frightened bartender pleads, "Don't shoot, please! I'll do as you say!" The robber yells, "Shut up and empty the cash register!" The bartender says, "Okay, okay! Just don't shoot, I have a wife and kids! I'll do whatever you say!"

The crook takes the money then puts the gun to the bartend...

They’re running out of face masks in China

No big supplies there.

After 6 months (or so) of listening to people talk with masks on

I finally understand what Charlie Browns teacher was saying

In a few years, when you rummage through your old clothes and find a used mask in a pocket, you will smile

behind your hazmat suit's visor.

I don’t understand people who say they cannot wear masks because of their big nose

I wear my underwear everyday and don’t complain

What do you call it when you're finally able to take off your mask?

An airgasm

There were so many people at my house today without masks and social distancing, imagine the stench…

Lucky I haven’t been able to smell anything in the past few days…

I support the anti-mask people

Thanks to them the average IQ is rising

What do you call someone who doesn't wear a mask?

You don't call them. You stay 6 damn feet away from them.

People refuses to wear a mask is actually making the humankind smarter

By nature selection

Today I was in the bank when two men came in wearing masks...

Everyone felt a huge relief when they told us it's only a bank robbery.

A cowboy walks into a bank wearing only his hat and his gun..

and a security guard taps him on the shoulder and says “excuse me sir, you’re not wearing a mask and have to leave”

You can recycle an old brassiere into a face mask. It is important to remember to only use the left cup...

otherwise you will end up looking like a right tit.

Why do stormtroopers always wear masks?

Because they keep missing their shots. #covid

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun bursts through the door of a bank

"Go to the back and give me everything you've got!" the man says.

The woman replies, "Sir, this is a mistake, this is a SPERM bank."

"I don't give a shit, you go get me what I told you!"

The woman goes to the back and comes out carrying a tray full of sperm samples.

"Open...

Ive noticed recently that I can guess what style of facial hair someone has behind their mask.

I think I might be hairvoyant

One of the top questions I’ve been asked is “what’s the best way to spend your money when you’re homeless”

And from experience, I can say a mask and knife will work wonders for you.

What do you call a martini wearing a mask?

A Quarentini

Did you hear about the Starbucks no-mask deal? Mask-less customers who buy a Grande hot coffee today...

Will get a free Venti later

I was going to make a joke about lifting the mask mandate in Texas

but it's too soon.

The CDC is now recommending wearing TWO masks as a way to get a better seal around your nose and mouth.

It's also a good statistical approach to get the average American to wear ONE mask. (Sorry, that was a mean joke.)

Dogs are getting stressed and confused because they’ve noticed their owners are now wearing masks

Cats are unaffected though as they’re yet to notice their owners at all

Masks are like bra.

If the strap slipped and it is not at place, people keep pointing out
and if you entirely forgot to wear one in public, people go on staring like hell.

I feel so bad for the deaf people who need to read lips to communicate, because of all of the face masks right now.

Let's give them all a moment of silence.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Compatibility

A woman was sitting alone at a bar and a man approached her. He asked her why she looked so sadly. She responded that her boyfriend had just broken up with her because she was too kinky.

The man expressed his amazement when he admitted that his girlfriend had dumped him because of his f...

“Thou shalt wear a mask”

Hygenesis 20:20

I wear a mask. Not because I want to, but because it is considerate of others and helps stop the spread of particulates.

I also wear underwear. Not because I want to, but...

Today at the pharmacy I saw a woman without a face mask buying a pregnancy test.

She clearly isn’t a fan of protection

I nibbled on my 3 year olds ear and said "I'm going to eat your ears". She said "Papa! No! Don't eat my ears!"

"My mask will fall off!"

(True story from yesterday, happy end of 2021!)

I saw an ill Raven on the side of the road, and took it to a vet.

After a few tests, the vet tells me that it has a viral infection, and to put on a mask.

Turns out it had Crowvid.

I was told that wearing a mask and gloves would be enough during the corona virus pandemic

but when I got to the store I was told that pants and a shirt were also required

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am dreading the day when you no longer have to mask up in the supermarket.

Everyone will know I'm the cunt with the Tourettes

Bruce Willis has admitted to making an "error of judgement" after reportedly being asked to leave a Los Angeles store for refusing to wear a face mask. Apparently, he wasn't even aware of the effects of his actions until a young boy walked up to him and said...

"I see dead people."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you know that Darth Vader isn't a black man underneath the mask?

He claims to be your father.

How do you get a trump supporter to wear a mask?

Convince them to storm the capitol building

A woman works in a sperm bank. She is taking a bottle of specimen when a man wearing a ski mask and a gun suddenly bursts into the room.

The gunman points the gun at her, and tells her to drink the specimen. The woman is both scared and shocked. Afraid for her life, she opens the bottle and swallows the liquid. The gunman removes his mask, revealing himself to be her husband, and says:
'See, that wasn't so hard, was it?'

Upside to masks

The only upside to wearing a mask during COVID, other than not getting sick and dying alone drowning in one's own fluids, is that this last holiday season I watched all the "Charlie Brown" specials and understood everything the teacher said.

The people who wear their masks below their nose actually makes sense...

They're just dumb mouth breathers

You should wear your mask when you go to a cemetery during this pandemic.

Cemeteries have a lot of coffin.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A masked man enters a sperm bank with a gun.

He points the gun at the woman behind the desk. Shivering in fear she says, "take anything you want!"

"Open that cup of semen."

The woman looks over at a tray of recent sperm samples with a disgusted look on her face.

He yells, "Do it!"

Shivering in fear she grabs the co...

How does a brown-noser clean their mask?

They shake the sh*t out of it!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny showed up to school butt naked except for a mask on his face.

When the teacher asked why he came to school like this, to which Johnny replied:

"They said admittance will be with mask only, so I came with a mask only."

A Republican walks up to a Democratic with a face mask and say, “do you know what I say to sheep like you?...

Whatever the Republican Party tells me too say.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm gonna lose my mind if someone says they cant breathe or talk wearing a face mask

I had a girl in my basement for seven months wearing a ball gag and she's fine

What's the difference between the Taliban and Texas?

The Taliban requires women to wear masks

Why do some guys not like to wear a mask?

Because it threatens their mask-ulinity!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why doesn't Chuck Norris wear a coronavirus mask in public?

He does.
Because Chuck Norris isn't an asshole.

I figured out why President Trump thinks he doesn’t have to wear a mask to protect himself from viruses.

Somebody told him he had diplomatic immunity.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIFU by trying to punish my son after finding bondage gear, fetish masks, and milf porn in his room

I really shoulda thought twice before spanking him

I thought that people getting mad over wearing a mask was not real, but today it happened to me as well. He told me Im an idiot for wearing a mask during a situation like this..

Like dude wtf, you're a dentist, aren't you like a doctor or something?

What’s the reason batman has a gap in his mask

So that cops know he's white

What do you call a person refusing to wear a mask now days?

Maskhole

I finally figured why Trump decided to wear a mask!!

Some one told him it was made from Ivanka's underwear.

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