UPJOKE
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Mask Jokes

Passenger: why should I have to wear a mask if yours works?

Passenger: why should I have to wear a mask if yours works?

Driver: damn good point *turns off headlights*

Passenger: what are you doing it’s dark

Driver: chill the other cars have them on

How do you tell the difference between a fully vaccinated person and an unvaccinated person if they aren't wearing a mask?

Ask them who won the election.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nurse at the ICU noticed a patient trying to say something through his oxygen mask.

Nurse: Sorry, what was that again?

Patient: Are my testicles black?

Nurse : Excuse me?

Patient : Are my testicles black?

The nurse was quite young and beautiful,and was used to getting hit on by patients. But seeing the state the poor man was in, she decided to check ...

Just been in to Starbucks and the barista was wearing a face mask

I asked "Why are you wearing a surgical mask?"


She said "I'm not, it's a coughy filter."

I recently bought my pet duck a mask, to protect it from corona virus...

It’s nothing flashy, but it fits the bill

Without a mask on, I shopped at a store that had a strict mask policy.

Before leaving, I asked the security guard why he let me shop without a cover and he said that Halloween masks are acceptable too. :\_(

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A pretty, young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

'Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'

He struggles to ask again,...

In 50 years: "You know, kids, back in my day, we had to wear masks everywhere we went at one point."

We didn't have those fancy hazmat suits you all wear today

My wife said I should put the mask on if I'm leaving the house - and so I always do.

But my dog has to be so sick of that stupid movie by now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party.

They were ready to leave when the wife came down with a headache. She told her husband to go to the party, no need to miss it because of her headache. So the husband left for the party.

About an hour later his wife's headache went away and she felt better. She put on her costume and went to ...

How does Darth Vader manage to eat through that mask?

He's force fed.

Has Covid-19 forced you to wear glasses and a mask at the same time?

You may be entitled to condensation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you know that Darth Vader isn't a black man underneath the mask?

He claims to be your father.

What do condoms and masks have in common?

Its safe to come inside if you're wearing them

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do people refuse to wear masks?

Because they can't stand the smell of the shit that comes out of their mouth.

TIFU by accidentally cheating on my wife at a BDSM convention with a woman who was wearing the same leather mask

Whoops, wrong sub

PSA do not wear a washington wizards face mask.

CDC studies have shown they provide no defense

Sickening! I went to the bank today and even in this pandemic I was the only one wearing a mask!

Mind you, I was robbing the place.

They told me a mask was enough to get into the supermarket.

They lied, everybody else was also wearing pants.

My friend Ara and I agreed to meet up a mask party.

When I got there she was wearing a mask completely made of Makeup.

I looked at her and said, “That’s some nice mask Ara.”

Boy: What's a palindrome?

Teacher: racecar

{10 years later}

Boy: [bursting out of bank in ski mask] where's the palindrome

Getaway driver: [sitting in kayak]

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun bursts through the door of a bank

"Go to the back and give me everything you've got!" the man says.

The woman replies, "Sir, this is a mistake, this is a SPERM bank."

"I don't give a shit, you go get me what I told you!"

The woman goes to the back and comes out carrying a tray full of sperm samples.

"Open...

God will protect me from COVID-19.

A good Christian man walked into Walmart and was offered a mask by the store greeter. The man politely declined saying God would protect him from Covid. Later the man went to his doctor for a routine check up. The doctor told him everything is fine and they also have all three different types of the...

WARNING!! They said you only have to wear masks and gloves to go grocery shopping but they LIED!

Apparently you have to wear clothes too.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Call me Trumper if you must, but I've got proof masks don't do shit.

Last Thursday my wife went on a business trip and they made her wear a mask the whole time - but she got chlamydia anyway!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife has taken mask wearing very seriously

She even makes me wear it during sex

I’m really annoyed by people who get off on arguing over mask wearing.

Damn mask debaters.

You've seen the people who wear their mask under their nose incorrectly?

The mask works because they are mouth breathers!

Your mom is so ugly...

That the world faked a pandemic just so she has to wear a mask

There is a law that says you don't have to wear a mask

It's called Natural Selection

A masked man walks into a sperm bank with a gun.

He points the gun at the receptionist and tells her to open the safe. She says: but you don't understand. This is not a normal bank. This is a sperm bank. The man says: I know exactly what this is. Now open a sample and swallow the whole thing. The woman opens one and swallows it all. The man then t...

An armed masked man bursts into a bank yelling "EVERYBODY PUT YOUR HANDS UP, THIS IS A ROBBERY!"

The patrons and staff, terrified, comply.


He's loading up his sack with cash when his mask slips off. He quickly pulls it back up and sees two guys who may have seen his face. He points his gun at the first.


"Did you see my face?"


"Yes"


BANG, he sh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is in the hospital wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth.

"Nurse" he mumbles. "Are my testicles black?"

The nurse lifts up his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other...she takes a close look and says "There's nothing wrong with them, sir."

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly "Thanks ...

I wish this was a joke

So I’m a primary care physician and last week we did away with mandatory masking.

Today one of my young female front office girls approached me and said “People are so much nicer to me when I tell them they don’t have to mask anymore!”

I said “Thats great!”

She said “yeah, it’s...

They worked hard to uncover the masked Refrigerator thief

But the case went cold

masks.

Have you noticed that a man with a beard wearing a mask looks a lot like a female 1970s underwear model?

Today I was in the bank when two men came in wearing masks...

Everyone felt a huge relief when they told us it's only a bank robbery.

Why does Batman wear a mask?

Because the citizens of Gotham aren't morons, like those idiots over in Metropolis

To everyone with covid, walking around without a mask on,

You people make me sick

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last year I opened the door to a kid doing ‘trick or treat’ in a Gloria Gaynor mask!

At first I was afraid...

Late one night a mugger wearing a mask !!!

Late one night a mugger wearing a mask stopped a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he demanded. Scandalized, the man replied, "You can’t do this – I’m a US Congressman!" "Oh! In that case," smiled the robber, "Give me MY money!

They’re running out of face masks in China

No big supplies there.

A man wearing a ski mask walks into a sperm bank, holding a gun he orders the receptionist to open the vault.

“But sir, this is just a sperm bank” replied the receptionist.

“I don’t care,” the man screamed, “open the vault.”

The receptionist opens the vault and inside are dozens of sperm samples. The man says “ Now take one of those sperm samples and drink it” the man demands.

“ But sir...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Welder's Mask

A kids walking along the street and he sees a welders mask.
So the kids excited and he picks it up and puts it on. He plays with the eye visor, flipping it up and down.

Just then a guy in a van comes along and says "hey kid, you want a ride?"

The kid thinks why not so he gets in the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy runs into the sperm bank with a mask and a gun...

"Hands up, lady!" he yells.

The woman behind the counter puts up her hands. "Sir! This isn't a real bank! It's a sperm bank!"

"Never mind that! Just open the vault! Now!"

So she does.

"Get in there! Grab one of them vials!" he says, waving the gun at her.

"But the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I love how the ninja turtles wear masks

Great way to hide your identity, it's not like you're a giant fucking turtle or something

It's 2023, and I still tell my subscribers on YouTube to wear a mask.

Because who knows? My video could go viral.

A masked burglar goes in to a bank

He goes to the teller, points a gun to her face and says "This is a robbery! If anybody moves or tries any funny business, they get shot!"
The teller then reaches over the counter and grabs the mask, revealing the face of the burglar.
The burglar says "you've seen my face!" and shoots her dead...

Why do the french wear their mask on the neck?

They don't want cou vide .

A man is shopping without a mask on....

Man: *looks at store items without wearing a mask*

Shop Keeper: Hey sir, you can't shop hear without a mask on.

Man: Nah I have a Medical condition that makes it hard for me to breathe.

Shop Keeper: Oh, what condition?

Man: Covid-19

Did you hear about the Starbucks no-mask deal? Mask-less customers who buy a Grande hot coffee today...

Will get a free Venti later

Ever since masks became mandatory...

...I only drink *filtered* coffee.

I lost my sleeping mask.

I won't rest until I find it.

Armed man storms into a sperm bank wearing a ski mask

He shouts "**everybody hit the floor!**" and shoots his gun twice at the ceiling. Everybody hits the floor in muffled panic. He then approaches the main desk and accosts the lady behind the counter:

\- **you! bank lady! where is the storage vault?**

\+ it's downstairs but--

\- ...

Please put on your mask. It saves lives.

Yesterday a friend of mine went out with his girlfriend and on the way to the mall he passed by his wife and she did not recognize him. The mask really saved his life.

Masks are like bra.

If the strap slipped and it is not at place, people keep pointing out
and if you entirely forgot to wear one in public, people go on staring like hell.

“Thou shalt wear a mask”

Hygenesis 20:20

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you a call a turtle wearing a mask?

A turtle you fucking donkey

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A fellow stuck in a coronavirus outbreak, prayed to God for help.

Soon the head of the WHO came by. He said “Try social distancing! It can save you!”

The fellow shouted back, "No, it's OK, I'm praying to God and he is going to save me.” So the head of the WHO went on.

Then Dr. Fauci came by and told the man “Wear a mask! It can save you!”

The ...

I support the anti-mask people

Thanks to them the average IQ is rising

What's the difference between the Taliban and Texas?

The Taliban requires women to wear masks

I'm going to start selling kids' snack packs: crackers, cheese, ham slices, and Mexican wrestling masks.

I'll call them Luchables.

I asked my friend why he only wore a mask when he was in church.

He said his doctor advised him to wear them religiously.

A bank robber's mask falls off mid-heist.

He makes eye contact with a hostage directly facing him and shoots him. He puts his mask back on and turns to face the other two hostages, a man and a woman. "Did either of you see my face?!" He yells.

The man answers, "I didn't, but I think my wife might have..."

Batman’s mask

Is worthless against the COVID.

A big nose is no excuse to not wear a face mask

After all, I wear pants...

My niece just showed me a picture of her new girlfriend dressed in hockey gear, pads, mask and all

I said "She looks like a keeper"

Why do stormtroopers always wear masks?

Because they keep missing their shots. #covid

After 6 months (or so) of listening to people talk with masks on

I finally understand what Charlie Browns teacher was saying

"Oh no, the rubber ripped!"

\- Alissa (24 years old) panics, jumps up from bed, and runs into bathroom

\- Manuel (25) needs new tires for his car

\-Lara (27) now has *no* pony-tail

\- Ben (28) holds his covid-mask to his face in the bus

\-David (29) watches his friend during bungee-jump

Punxsutawney Phil came out wearing a mask

6 more months of Covid

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When you fart with a mask on and can still smell it

One of them is shit.

I no longer need to wear a mask

Now that I have my COVID 19 positive shirt people juts avoid being near me

I was wondering why my face mask crashed...

Turns out it's one of those WiN95 masks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Masks

I saw someone yesterday take off their mask to sneeze into the air and then put the mask back on.

That's like wearing a condom during sex and then taking it off just before you cum inside.

Lol plague inc easy mode is so unrealistic

Like who wouldn’t wash their hands and wear a mask during a global pandemic.

Masks

There are a lot of people arguing about whether you should wear a mask or not wear a mask.

does that make them all Maskdebaters?

What do you call someone who doesn't wear a mask?

You don't call them. You stay 6 damn feet away from them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A masked man enters a sperm bank with a gun.

He points the gun at the woman behind the desk. Shivering in fear she says, "take anything you want!"

"Open that cup of semen."

The woman looks over at a tray of recent sperm samples with a disgusted look on her face.

He yells, "Do it!"

Shivering in fear she grabs the co...

Are you an N95 mask?

Cause I want you on my face

Just because you have a big nose doesn't mean you shouldn't wear a mask

I mean, I still wear underwear.



Saw this on a church billboard a year ago.

A condom and a mask are sitting together on a park bench.

A condom and a mask are sitting together on a park bench. The condom looks at the mask, and says “they won’t wear you either, huh?”

Everyone is posting photos of people from the 1910's wearing masks to protect themselves from the Spanish flu to try and convince people to wear masks now...

Idiots. If masks work, then why are all those people in the pictures dead?

Trump Masks!

When the pandemic started I seen an opportunity! I combined the upcoming need for mask with a large political base and mass produced 600,000 Trump Masks! I have not sold any though, what am I doing wrong?

I nibbled on my 3 year olds ear and said "I'm going to eat your ears". She said "Papa! No! Don't eat my ears!"

"My mask will fall off!"

(True story from yesterday, happy end of 2021!)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man bursts into a sperm bank, wearing a mask and weilding a gun.

He goes to the woman behind the counter, puts the gun in her face and screams "OPEN THE VAULT!" She timidly stammers, "Sir, this is a sperm bank. There's no money..." He cocks the gun and screams, "I SAID OPEN IT!!!" She reluctantly leads him to the big freezer, "see" she says, "it's just test tubes...

Wearing a mask below your nose...

is like wearing a condom with the tip cut off.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A masked guy comes into a bank with a gun.

He presses it against the teller's forehead and demands money.
The lady behind the counter says "sir, i think you messed up, this isn't just any bank, we don't deal in money. We keep semen. This is a sperm bank."

"Oh yeah??!" says the robber...
"Why don't you take a vial and chug it the...

John didn't wear the mask

**The dialog about John who didn't wear mask and regretted it and his friend**



\- John, put on your mask!

*- No! It's harmful.*

\- John put it on, what are you doing?

*- I ignore the masks*

\- John! Get out of here and don't ever come to a Halloween party l...

Stop telling me to wear a mask!

It's stressing me out so much that I can barely breathe and I'm getting a fever.

Why do vampires need masks?

They're always coffin

If you see somebody wearing a mask pulled down below their nose, don’t worry...

Those people are all mouth-breathers anyway

Wearing your mask pulled down beneath your nose actually HELPS other people...

...estimate your IQ.

The arguments between the "pro-mask" and "anti-mask" groups is really intense! People are even PRACTICING their arguments at home first.

Just yesterday I heard a 14 y/o boy tell his friend that at home he mask debates into a sock!

People refuses to wear a mask is actually making the humankind smarter

By nature selection

I have found a solution my glasses fogging up from wearing a mask

I wear a monocle, they only fog up half as much.

People not wanting to wearing masks is natural.

Natural selection.

What do Zombies think when they see someone with a red hat and no mask?

That's a no brainer

Wearing a mask at work

So I was at work, and cleaning off my desk, writing a few notes for the next shift. That’s when I saw it. One small hair on my desk. So instinctively I put my head closer, and tried to blow it away. That’s when it hit me.

Yo Momma is so ugly

The government extended mask mandates to give everyone's eyes a break

my teacher asked why do you have a mask on?

I unmuted my microphone and said “my computer has a virus”.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled

The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man.

“No way! No needles! I hate needles!” the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects.

“I can’t do the gas thing – the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!” ...

There are some loopholes with masks.

They go around your ears.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Welding Mask

It's Johnny's tenth birthday, so his mother gives him five bucks to go to the candy store down the street to buy whatever he wants. During his walk he goes through a construction site and sees a welding mask on the ground that he thinks is cool so he decides to pick it up and put it on.

As he...

Wear a mask and save people's lives!

If they recognize you, you'll have to kill them.

Do you find it uncomfortable wearing a mask?

Well guess what, coffin would be worse

Me: "Officer, I'll now take off my mask."

Officer: "Fine for me."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why doesn't Chuck Norris wear a coronavirus mask in public?

He does.
Because Chuck Norris isn't an asshole.

How do you get a trump supporter to wear a mask?

Convince them to storm the capitol building

Today at the pharmacy I saw a woman without a face mask buying a pregnancy test.

She clearly isn’t a fan of protection

I wear a mask. Not because I want to, but because it is considerate of others and helps stop the spread of particulates.

I also wear underwear. Not because I want to, but...

I finally figured why Trump decided to wear a mask!!

Some one told him it was made from Ivanka's underwear.

A Republican walks up to a Democratic with a face mask and say, “do you know what I say to sheep like you?...

Whatever the Republican Party tells me too say.”

What do you call a person refusing to wear a mask now days?

Maskhole

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