Just been in to Starbucks and the barista was wearing a face mask

I asked "Why are you wearing a surgical mask?"


She said "I'm not, it's a coughy filter."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is in the hospital wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth.

"Nurse" he mumbles. "Are my testicles black?"

The nurse lifts up his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other...she takes a close look and says "There's nothing wrong with them, sir."

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly "Thanks ...

I figured out why President Trump thinks he doesn’t have to wear a mask to protect himself from viruses.

Somebody told him he had diplomatic immunity.

A man walks into a bank wearing a mask. Everyone freaks out.

“Relax” he says, “I’m just here to rob the place”

They said that a mask and gloves were enough to go to the supermarket.

They lied, everyone else has clothes on.

They’re running out of face masks in China

No big supplies there.

My wife said I should put the mask on if I'm leaving the house - and so I always do.

But my dog has to be so sick of that stupid movie by now.

If we continue wearing masks for next 5 years

The next generation will think mouth is a private part

Today I was in the bank when two men came in wearing masks...

Everyone felt a huge relief when they told us it's only a bank robbery.

Why did a retirement center worker not wear a mask?

They hoped for an early retirement.

I've been spending a lot of time trying to come up with a way to wear my mask incorrectly.

I feel like the answer has been right under my nose this whole time.

(Edit: i actually think it would actually be worded better as "i finally found a way to wear my mask incorrectly")

A woman works in a sperm bank. She is taking a bottle of specimen when a man wearing a ski mask and a gun suddenly bursts into the room.

The gunman points the gun at her, and tells her to drink the specimen. The woman is both scared and shocked. Afraid for her life, she opens the bottle and swallows the liquid. The gunman removes his mask, revealing himself to be her husband, and says:
'See, that wasn't so hard, was it?'

WARNING!! They said you only have to wear masks and gloves to go grocery shopping but they LIED!

Apparently you have to wear clothes too.

What does wearing a mask and a condom have in common?

It always feels better not wearing one!

Wearing a mask at work

So I was at work, and cleaning off my desk, writing a few notes for the next shift. That’s when I saw it. One small hair on my desk. So instinctively I put my head closer, and tried to blow it away. That’s when it hit me.

I used to laugh at Michael Jackson for wearing gloves and a mask.....

Yet here i am, stuck at home in this covid19 Thriller,
Beating it.....

People wear masks that cover o my half their faces in the bank and they are “responsible” ...

But I wear a full-face mask in the bank and suddenly I’m “dangerous” and “a criminal”?

The Hypocrisy!

I think it's a bit harsh to criticise Trump for trying to ban the export of masks

He's just following medical advice and trying to keep 3M away from everyone else

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

These masks, man. I was standing in line to get in the grocery store, when I saw my friend, Steve was ahead of me in line.

I say, “hey man, long time! How’s it going?”

He says, “oh, hey! Pretty good actually, considering my wife left me.”

“oh yeah, that was a bummer, cheating on you with your brother like that!”

He’s shocked, “what? It was my brother?”

“wait wait, are you Steve?”

“No,...

Just a question for people that put the face mask when they're alone in their car,

Do you put the condom when you're alone in bed?

I'm using a bra for a face mask.

I like to keep abreast of corona security measures.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently sneezin in your mask is the new shittin in yer pants

-Jimmy Shubert

I have started using the left cup of a bra as a face mask when going outside.

It's so I won't look like a right tit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, pleas...

I was wondering why my face mask crashed...

Turns out it's one of those WiN95 masks.

To the thief who broke into my costume shop and stole the most terrifying mask I had for sale:

I don't know how you can look at yourself in the mirror.

It is now recommended to wear a mask inside your own home

To avoid being 400 lbs. by the time the quarantine is over.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A masked gunman storms into a sperm bank.

He runs up to the counter, pointing his shotgun at the receptionist there, and shouts, "This is a stick-up!"

The receptionist raises her hands and says, "But sir, I don't think you understand. This isn't a regular bank, this is a sperm bank."

He says, "Don't tell me what I don't unders...

A guy enters a bank and shouts "The money or else I'll tear down my mask!"

The teller says: "You prefer Canadian dollar, right?"

Sickening! I went to the bank today and even in this pandemic I was the only one wearing a mask!

Mind you, I was robbing the place.

Have you heard about the anti-vaxxer refusing to wear a mask, as well?

She went viral.

Why does Batman's mask hide only half his face?

So that the cops can see he's white and not shoot him on sight.

when did you start wearing woman's panties for a face mask?

Since my wife found them in the glove box.

This morning at the bank, while I was in line, two people with masks entered...there was TOTAL PANIC..

Then they said: “This is a robbery”...and we all calmed down...

so now it’s cool to walk into the bank with gloves and a mask

but when i wanted to do it, it was a felony

Batman’s mask

Is worthless against the COVID.

I was told that wearing a mask and gloves would be enough during the corona virus outbreak

Upon getting to the store i was told that pants and a shirt was also required

I'm using a plastic bag as a face mask.

I think it gave me the Rona cuz now I'm dizzy and short of breath.

Recently, a beauty company added rice as an ingredient for their beauty masks.

The reason being is that when the mask is done, it’s easier to Pilaf.

In the current climate you can walk in any shop that's still open with a mask on maybe even a bank and nobody will even bat an eyelid

Until they see the gun anyway

People are dressing as different people to get more free face masks

Bunch of masqueraders

All heroes don't wear masks

But the one that killed Kim Jong Un did

Everyone at my work insists that I wear a face mask.

But I don't care, it's my choice how I perform surgery.

All the Asians who’ve been wearing face masks are laughing now

I assume

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There are people cutting bras in half to make face masks now

Some of them look like right tits.

Starbucks Reacts to Covid-19: Baristas to start wearing masks

Our as they call them, coughee filters.

Ever wondered why Ayo & Teo always wore masks?

They knew in advance that Coronavirus would come

What do you call a martial artist who's masking his identity?

Not sure, but you might want to use his judonym.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A masked man enters a sperm bank with a gun.

He points the gun at the woman behind the desk. Shivering in fear she says, "take anything you want!"

"Open that cup of semen."

The woman looks over at a tray of recent sperm samples with a disgusted look on her face.

He yells, "Do it!"

Shivering in fear she grabs the co...

I’m confused.

Do I need a mask or a brick to enter a store?

You’ve heard of “click it or ticket”, a slogan telling drivers to use a seatbelt or they will get fined...

Now get ready for the new slogan of 2020: “Mask it or Casket”!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wear a mask and run around punching women in their breasts.

It’s my secret I dent titties.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At the beginning of COVID 19, there was a man.

He was told to wash his hands for 20 seconds at a time. He chose not to and said God would protect him and the believers.
He was told he should be wearing a mask to protect others. He chose not to and said God would protect him and the believers.
He was told he should socially distance. He w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a Bartender, a Priest, and an Anti-Lockdown protester walk into a bar... [LONG]

Ok, not a bar, because the bars are all closed. But I digress. So they walk into... I dunno, Wal-Mart, Whatever. Turns out all three know each other and start talking about the lockdown and how it has been affecting them.

The Bartender started by lamenting the loss of their income and social ...

I hope this Pandemic never ends

I've been getting so many more dates recently with this mask.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This is a robbery!

A man storms into a bank with a ski mask over his head and a shotgun.

"This is a robbery" the man shouts. "Open the vault!!"

The receptionist stands still looking at the robber questionably.

"We don't have any money here sir" the receptionist replies. "This is a sperm bank..."...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So it was regular day at the sperm bank...

... when this guy wearing a ski mask barges in with a gun and screams:

"EVERYBODY ON THE GROUND NOW!"

The people do as he says and then the guy turns to the receptionist and points the gun at her. She tries to negotiate with him.

"Please just take the money and leave! You don't ...

BANG BANG BANG

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber runs out and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay and the surgeon decides to leave the bullets where they are as it is too risky to operate.

All is fine for 16 years and then one ...

A shy horse wants to go to the bar and have a drink.

But he does not want to be seen in public. So he puts on a a donkey mask. Wearing the donkey mask, the horse walks into the bar.

The Chinese bartender says, "Hey, why the wrong face?"

Quarantine seasonal travel

Oman, I really can't wait to Rome around.

Venice this going to get over?

You can't say when this lockdown will be over, Kenya?

Quarantine has made my Delhi routine too boring.

I've been Washingtons of utensils.

This Spain is real.

Stay home, stay safe. What'...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Halloween party

A young couple were invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party and have a good time. Being the devoted husband he protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed. She told him the...

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The passenger and the nun (old, but gold)

A man gets onto a city bus and sees an attractive nun. Aroused, he wishes to have sex with her, he goes up and asks, "Will you have sex with me?"

"Of course not!" the nun said unnervingly and got off the bus.

Before the depressed man left the bus, the bus driver stops him and says, "I...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Unprotected Friending

The act of hanging out with a friend and not maintaining social distancing or wearing a mask.

Kind of like unprotected sex. It’s fun while you’re doing it but feels dirty afterward and leaves you worrying for weeks.

India is taking social distancing seriously.

Citizens without masks were seen getting hard whacks on the behind by policeman with batons as punishment.

When asked if the punishment was too severe, one constable responded, "Not at all. I'm just flattening the curve".

TIFU by accidentally cheating on my wife at a BDSM convention with a woman who was wearing the same leather mask

Whoops, wrong sub

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I feel bad for all the politicians.

It must be quite inconvenient to remove their mask everytime before taking a shit.

What is one of the most responsible things a person can do during the pandemic?

masking for a friend

A man woke up lost in the desert.

He didn’t know how he got there but he knew if he didn’t find water asap he will die, he was thirsty tired and close to a heat stroke as he walked the vast deserted land looking for water.

Miles and miles into his journey he spotted a person in the middle of the desert, thinking it might be ...

2020 is a weird year

5 years ago i entered a bank in a mask and i got forced to quarantine for years, today i got praised for it.. weird times to be alive

This Corona virus is a blessing

My wife doesn't want to travel anywhere.

She no longer buys anything online, since everything comes from China.

she doesn't go to the mall to avoid the crowds.

she spends all of her time in a mask with her mouth closed.

Best thing that has ever happened in my life.

The mugger

One night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.

"Give me your money," he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can’t do this- I’m a US Congressman!"

"In that case," replied the robber, "Give me MY mo...

I just got an invitation to my cousin's wedding

They didn't give a dress code, but I've got to assume it's a black mask event

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW: what do The PJ Masks ‘Gecko’ and ‘Cat Boy’ use to clean up after sex?

A moist Owlette.

Boy: What's a palindrome?

Teacher: racecar

{10 years later}

Boy: [bursting out of bank in ski mask] where's the palindrome

Getaway driver: [sitting in kayak]

What does the cat in bird mask say?

Me owl

A man and his son are out for a drive...

After a few miles the son tells his dad "I need to go wee." The father looks around but there are no places open to stop. He tells his son he will need to hold it. A few minutes later the son, now more frantic, says again "I need to go wee!" Looking around there is a gas station a few blocks up....

SHARE before this gets taken down! Reddit, Facebook, and YouTube have been REMOVING posts like this!

The GLOBALISTS and ILLUMINATI have placed facial recognition cameras EVERYWHERE to track you. The only way to stop their plan is to wear a face mask while out in public.

Pass it on!

Thankfully evolution gave us ears a million years ago...

Now we finally get to use them to wear masks.

Darth Vader built an entire Galactic Empire...

Wearing protective gear in sanitary environment.

But it was all destroyed by a whiny brat without a mask who refused to stay home with his aunt and uncle.

Attention: The chemical CHCl3 has been proven to reduce the spread of COVID-19.

So before you leave your home to engage in risky behavior, make sure you soak your mask in chloroform.

NSFW - A masked man bursts into a sperm bank with a gun...

He runs up to the woman working the front desk and screams, "OPEN THE VAULT!"

The woman is frightened and confused, "Sir, this is a sperm bank!"

"OPEN IT!", he yells while waving the gun.

She complies and opens the vault.

"Now take out a sample and drink it!", he demands....

I can’t believe Comic Con 2020 got cancelled because of covid 19!

It was the one group of people who were 100% guaranteed to wear masks.

A man was waiting in line to get into Home Depot during the quarantine...

The line stretched pretty far back and he could not see the end from the front of the line. He heard someone behind him yell out "Hey, Dave!" He turned around but only saw a sea of masks and no one looked familiar to him. His turn to enter came and he went inside the store. While pushing his car...

I lost my sleeping mask.

I won't rest until I find it.

Zack Snyder makes Watchmen and nobody cares

HBO makes Watchmen and six months later everybody's wearing a mask

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 Guys Compete to See Whose Shit is the Worst-Smelling Shit.

It was agreed that to determine the smelliest crap, they would base it on the number of flies that landed on their respective feces.

The first guy proceeds to take a shit. After a short while, a sizable number of flies swooped in.

The second dude does his worst and unloads a big one. A...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun bursts through the door of a Bank.

"Go to the back and give me everything you've got " the man said.

The woman replies, "Sir, this is a mistake, this is a __sperm__ bank."

"I don't give a shit, you go get me what I told you!"

The woman goes to the back and comes out carrying a tray full of sperm samples.

"...

What kind of make up should you wear during a pandemic?

Mask-ara

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to a tailor to buy a suit.

The tailor offers a couple of suits but they are too expensive for his taste.
He was going to leave when the tailor remembered that one custom suit he had made for a guy with one arm and one leg that were shorter than his other arm and leg and he never came in to pick it up.
The suit being a c...

Back in the 80's, Brian was walking in Belfast when he was accosted by a masked man, brandishing a gun

The masked man asked "Are you a Catholic or a Protestant"?

Brian replied "Neither, I'm an Atheist"

The masked man was silent for a moment, then finally said:

"Is that a Catholic Atheist or a Protestant Atheist"?

Michael Jackson

Remember laughing at Michael Jackson wearing a mask and gloves?

Now you are all out there looking like you wanna be starting something!

I know this is r/Jokes but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck.

I have a meeting at the bank later and if it's a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now. I'm so excited, I can barely put on my ski mask..

Does that masked man look suspicious to you?

Not really. The mask makes it hard to tell.

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