A presidential aide says to Trump; "Sir, I had a dream about your parade yesterday night."

"Was it yuge?" Trump asked, visibly interested.

"Oh, yes," said the aide, "there were millions of cheering people turning out to celebrate all along the streets."

"Was it tremendous? Trump asked, visibly excited.

"Oh, yes," the aid replied; "You were in a huge carriage, flanked ...

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It’s parade day in Russia and 3 military thieves are locked in a jail cell awaiting their punishment.

All the other males in the army are either partaking in the parade or out celebrating their national pride and getting drunk on vodka so they have cleverly entrusted their female counterparts to continue running things whilst they are gone.

A female Lieutenant asks her superior, “How are we t...

The parade has been on for more than 1.5 minutes and now I'm confused...

... because at the beginning, the announcer clearly said "Welcome to the 90-second Thanksgiving Day parade!"

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An old man goes to a pride parade

An old man is on his way to a coffee shop, and across the street he sees a gay pride parade. He’s puzzled as to what it is, so he decides to check it out.

He goes up to a 20-something man there and says “excuse me sir, what is this?”

“This is a gay pride parade!”

“Huh,” says the...

What do you call a parade of rabbits marching backwards?

A receding hair-line.

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How do you get to the Nazi parade ?

First you take the 4th left and then you take the Third Reich.

So, I went to a ninja parade

It was a complete rip off. I didn't see a damn thing, but I kept finding candy in my pockets.

Things have gotten so bad in The US that during the last parade they surrounded Donald Trump with bullet proof glass.

Just because he's a White guy with mental health issues doesn't mean he's gonna start shooting up the crowd

What was the anthem of Saudi Arabia's first LGBT pride parade?

We Will Rock You.

A Sergeant calls his men out to line up on parade.

He calls out: "Private Smith, take one step forward!" After Smith does so, the Sergeant baldly announces: "We've just had word.....your mother is dead!" Whereupon Private Smith collapses on the ground and starts crying uncontrollably.

When the Commanding Officer hears about this, he calls in ...

Why did the Avengers have the best float at the parade?

They had a gigantic Banner!

Why should you always bring money to LBGT pride parades?

Trans-action fees

Why was the LGBT parade float a disaster?

Their tranny stopped working

JUNE (to Yoda): Do you think April will march in the parade?

YODA: March April may, June.

Bulls on a Parade

On a hot sunny day, I went to a record store. A song was playing on the speakers. Angrily, I picked up a hammer and started banging the speaker system.
The confused owner asked, "What is this?"
I said, "Rage Against the Machine."

Need help: looking for parade jokes. (I know, right?)

I was asked to announce the 4th of July parade in my small hometown. Was wondering if anyone here has been at a parade and heard something funny.

The only thing to work off of right now is that Josh Duhmel is announcing the 4th of July parade in a larger town about 20 minutes away.

T...

The way I see it, the March for Science has really turned out to be more of a parade for science puns than an actual protest.

And I'm totally Oxygen-Potassium with that.

"So, Mrs. Kennedy, how was that parade?"

"Mind blowing"

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An old farmer is known across the state for his giant pumpkins.

Every year he takes the blue ribbon at the state fair for biggest pumpkin, and every year his town throws a Pumpkin Parade for him where he drives the winner down Main Street in the back of his pickup, the local marching band plays, the mayor makes a speech--- the whole works. Makes the front page ...

Someone ordered a lion statuette for a Pride parade

Apparently there was a mixup at the manufacturer and they only sent the rear half of the lion.

What followed was a catastrophe

Did you see the 75th annual ninja parade in downtown Tokyo?

Neither did anyone else...

Why wouldn't the dog attend the Veterans Day Parade?

There were too many vets.

The weather in New England meant they had to delay the victory parade for the Patriots.

They must feel really deflated.

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What's green, 2 miles long and has an asshole every couple of feet?

St. Patrick's day parade in Dublin.

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An old bloke woke up, to celebrate 92nd birthday...

He spoke to his toes. He said, “Hello toes! How are you? You know, you're 92 today. Oh the times we’ve had! Remember we walked in the park in the summer every Sunday afternoon? The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy Birthday, toes!”

“Hello, knees,” he continued. “How are you? Yo...

How many gears does a french tank have?

6 reverse and 1 for parades

The kings daughter

The kings daughter gets married to the prince of the neighboring kingdom. He couldn't bear that his precious darling is going away with another man. He calls his best spy to check on her and to ensure she's being treated well as the prince's wife.

The next day the spy comes and reports to th...

Two racehorses and a dog are in the stable on the night before the big race.

The old horse says, “Kid, I have a favor to ask. Tomorrow’s the last race of my career. If I win, they’ll have a big parade in my honor and put me in a nice pasture for the rest of my life. If I lose, they’ll send me to the glue factory. Now, I’m still a pretty good racer, but I think we both know t...

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Many fellow physicians were scheduling their own colonoscopy before a respected colleague ended his many years of practice. Just before going under sedation for my procedure I told him…

“I’m just part of the parade of assholes here in your last few months to wish you a happy retirement.”

How many North Koreans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A hundred thousand. One to screw in the lightbulb, and the rest for holding the parade.

A competition was held to determine the country with the best police force in the world

The finalists were U.S., China and Russia, and each were represented by a five-man team.

On the day of the competition, the three teams gathered outside Tongass National Forest in Alaska, alongside a few thousand cheering fans. U.N. Secretary General António Guterres opened the envelope conta...

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One day the pope wakes up with an erection

Damnit, must have been a side effect from the Holy Viagra. It won't go away, but he has a parade to go to that morning! So he steps onto his Holy Balcony, slips out of his Holy Pyjamas, and does what most people do when they have an erection they want to get rid of.

That's masturbate, by the ...

A man is on a photo safari in Africa, when he finds an elephant in distress, lying in the bushes. Upon inspection, he finds that the elephant has a large, sharp rock embedded in the bottom of its foot. He carefully pulls the rock free, and the elephant gets up and saunters away.

Almost a decade later he is back in his home town when a circus is visiting
and they put on a parade. The man is watching all of the animals go past, when
he notices, and makes eye contact with a large African elephant. The elephant
immediately turns toward the man, picks him up in its trun...

A French teacher asks her new class if any of them know any French.

Young Johnny lets out a parade of F-bombs-

"Whoa! Hey now?! Who told you that was French?" interrupted the teacher.

"My dad. He is always asking people to pardon his French".

Police: How'd you kill 30 people?

Redhead: I was over speeding when all of a sudden the brakes failed. I had two options. There was a parade on one side and a couple walking on the other side.
Police: Why didn't you hit the couple?
Redhead: I did, but as soon as I turned the car towards them, they started running towards the p...

Hotel in Moscow

As a young man, Nickolai joined in the Bolshevik Revolution and was decorated for his role, and was invited to Moscow for the celebration, and put up in a big hotel there.
He had grown up in a remote village where there was no plumbing and knew nothing of toilets, so when he felt the call of natu...

A general inspecting the troops

A rough old general has heard about a unit with the reputation of being filled with the toughest soldiers around and decides he needs to go and check them out.

After reviewing the troops on parade he decides to go to the medical tent to meet the soldiers who weren't at parade.

The gene...

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Joke my 89 year old grandfather told me for the first time today.

A union boss in Germany finishes his work for the day and is feeling a bit frisky so he heads to the local whorehouse.

He walks in and says to the madame "Before we get down to business I have to ask, are your girls unionized?"

The Madame says they aren't.

"Well then, I'm afr...

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Trump, Pence, and Chris Christie all die at the same time.

They climb the gilded stairs and arrive at the pearly gates. Saint Peter is there to greet them as they arrive.

"You'll have to speak up, the celebrations down on Earth are too loud." He says.

"May we enter heaven?" Pence asks.

"That depends. Each of you must perform a simple ...

How do we know JFK was a fan of PDA?

He was all over his wife at the parade

My favorite French Army Jokes

**Why do French tanks have rear view mirrors?**

To see the battle


**Why do French tanks have 6 gears?**

5 for reverse, 1 for forward during parades


**Why do French boats have glass bottoms?**

So they can see the rest of their boats


**Why don't cr...

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Charles XII of Sweden, Darius of Persia and Napoleon are sitting at a bar.

Charles XII of Sweden, Darius of Persia and Napoleon are sitting at a bar, watching a military parade on CNN.
Impressed by modern technology Charles XII says - "Man, if i had mechanised infratry like that I'd have kicked ass at the Poltava battle."

Darius replies - "And if i had artille...

The Kennedys

Everyone says Teddy Kennedy was the big alcoholic of the family. But when you think about it, it was John who was taking shots in the middle of his own parade!

A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together.......

After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair and instructs the barber how to cut the boy's hair.


"I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."


When the boy...

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Why did god give Marines one more IQ point than he gave to horses.

So they won't shit during parades.

The Passion Camel

A young man decides to join the foreign legion.

When he arrives at the fort In the middle of the desert he is shown around by the sergeant.

"Hello recruit, this is where you will sleep, this is where I sleep, you eat over there.. and that shed over there, that's the Passion Camel"
...

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British Redneck Joke

Bubba Windsor and Earl Spencer had just finished a leisurely tour of The Fitzwilliam Museum at Grove Lane and a gourmet repast at Loch Fyne Restaurant Ltd. on Trumpington St. On this fine afternoon they were proceeding northwest toward King's Parade and their destination, St Catherine's College of C...

Priest gets pulled over on St Patrick's Day

An Irish priest is driving home from the St Patrick’s Day parade. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?”

“Just water,” says the priest.

The trooper says, “The...

A priest and a lawyer get into a lethal car accident together and show up at the pearly gates.

St. Peter greets them and starts reading off their qualifications for getting into Heaven. He starts with the priest.

"You've lived your entire life for God. You've never sworn or taken His name in vain. You've never lied, cheated, nor stolen. You prayed everyday and changed many lives throug...

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A Hispanic, African-American, Jewish, Native American, and Asian man were walking down the street.

They were part of a parade that celebrated racial equality.