UPJOKE
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A guy comes back home to his small town from overseas at the end of WWII. The town plans a big parade for him the next day. He remembers that the day before he shipped out three years earlier, he left a pair of dress shoes at the shoemaker's for repair.

He finds the receipt ticket and rushes to the shoemaker's to get them. The shoemaker examines the ticket and disappears into the back for a couple of minutes. When he returns he says, "They'll be ready Thursday."

Radio Yerevan was asked about today's parade.

Radio Yerevan was asked: "Given how difficult it must have been to procure equipment for this year's Red Square Victory Day Parade, did the organizer receive any sort of special commendation?"

Radio Yerevan answered: "No, it was a tankless job."

Napoleon at the annual military parade in Moscow

Napoleon is at the annual military parade in Moscow, alongside Putin, engrossed in reading a newspaper.
At his side, Marshal Ney blurts out to him "Your Majesty, look! If only we had such guns, we would not lose Waterloo!"
Napoleon keeps reading. Ney blurts out again, "Your Majesty,...

Why doesn't America parade its new military hardware and tanks down main street like other countries?

Because they prefer to parade it down main street IN other countries.

"Do you want to hear a joke about the Russian Victory Day parade?"

"No tanks."

Never trust someone that enjoys a Soviet Parade

There are a lot of red flags.

Trump Finally Gets His Parade

One of Trump's aide says to him, "Sir, I had a dream you got your parade. It was miles and miles long winding through Washington DC. Joyful Americans lined the route, literally in the millions. People were laughing, cheering, playing in the street. You were riding in the most beautiful carriage."...

A Sergeant calls his men out to line up on parade.

He calls out: "Private Smith, take one step forward!" After Smith does so, the Sergeant baldly announces: "We've just had word.....your mother is dead!" Whereupon Private Smith collapses on the ground and starts crying uncontrollably.

When the Commanding Officer hears about this, he calls in ...

Happy National Parade Day!!!

March Fourth!!!

Told to me by my 6 y/o daughter

What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?

A receding hare-line.

2 Boys Arrested at Independence Day Parade

One boy was eating fireworks and the other was drinking battery acid.

They charged one and let the other one off.

I tried to rain on your parade...

...but I mist.

Why did the buffalo farmer go to the pride parade?

He had a bison.

The parade has been on for more than 1.5 minutes and now I'm confused...

... because at the beginning, the announcer clearly said "Welcome to the 90-second Thanksgiving Day parade!"

Guy gets deployed to Afghanistan. Three years later, he returns to his hometown for a welcome-home parade.

The morning of the parade he's looking for his good shoes and remembers he took them to the shoe repair store just before he left for his deployment. He finds the receipt and hurries off to the store.

"I'm here to pick up my shoes," he says and hands the clerk his receipt. The clerk studies i...

There once was a parade in honor of comrade Stalin's birthday

In the middle of the parade, Stalin had a great speech and everyone was saluting in silence.

While suddenly, Stalin heard a sneeze from the front rows. "Who was that?", he asks but there is no response.

"Confess or I execute everyone in the first row.", again no one spoke up. So Stalin...

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Things have gotten so bad in The US that during the last parade they surrounded Donald Trump with bullet proof glass.

Just because he's a White guy with mental health issues doesn't mean he's gonna start shooting up the crowd

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I was going to protest the pride parade...

Butt fuck it.

A Regimental Sergeant Major is inspecting his troops on the Parade ground at the end of a day's training....

.... as they line up in front of the CO, the RSM calls out.

"Before you are all dismissed I have an announcement. Private Jones. one step forward ... MARCH!!"

Private Jones steps forward from the first line of soldiers.

"Private Jones .... your Mother is dead. FALL IN!!"
...

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No boaters drowned at the Trump boat parade this weekend

Because pieces of shit float

Why was the LGBT parade float a disaster?

Their tranny stopped working

Did you hear about the Pride Parade float that fell over?

Apparently it was top-heavy

So, I went to a ninja parade

It was a complete rip off. I didn't see a damn thing, but I kept finding candy in my pockets.

Why did the T-Rex attack the LGBTQ parade?

It wanted to Taste the Rainbow.

A kid got ran over passing out candy at a parade...

He got his tootsie rolled

Need help: looking for parade jokes. (I know, right?)

I was asked to announce the 4th of July parade in my small hometown. Was wondering if anyone here has been at a parade and heard something funny.

The only thing to work off of right now is that Josh Duhmel is announcing the 4th of July parade in a larger town about 20 minutes away.

T...

JUNE (to Yoda): Do you think April will march in the parade?

YODA: March April may, June.

Why did the Avengers have the best float at the parade?

They had a gigantic Banner!

Why wouldn't the dog attend the Veterans Day Parade?

There were too many vets.

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A group of 100 people dressed up as Vikings, promoting the new exhibition at the Smithsonian, was seen parading in front of the White House today.

Famously uncivilised, destructive and rapacious, with an almost insatiable appetite for rough sex and heavy drinking, the US Senators nonetheless came out to watch the parade.

An assistant to Donald Trump

>**An assistant to Donald Trump told him she had a fantastic dream last night.**
**There was a huge parade down Pennsylvania Avenue celebrating Trump.** 
**Millions lined the parade route, cheering when the President went past.**
**Bands were playing; children were throwing confett...

What do you call a parade where everyone wears masks?

A mask-arade

What do you call a straight pride parade?

A traffic jam.

On the parade ground of an army camp full of national service recruits.

The Sergeant is not known for his diplomacy and constantly screams at the recruits. At the end of one parade, just before giving the order to fall out he shouts out “Private Brown, your mother has died. Fall out!” Private Brown simply collapses in shock.

The Captain hears this and shakes his ...

Bulls on a Parade

On a hot sunny day, I went to a record store. A song was playing on the speakers. Angrily, I picked up a hammer and started banging the speaker system.
The confused owner asked, "What is this?"
I said, "Rage Against the Machine."

What do you get when you cross Rage Against the Machine and a Tupperware party?

Bowls on parade!

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How do you get to the Nazi parade ?

First you take the 4th left and then you take the Third Reich.

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Hello Willie

An old bloke woke up to celebrate 92nd birthday and spoke to his toes.

He said, “Hello toes! How are you? You know, you're 92 today. Oh the times we’ve had! Remember we walked in the park in the summer every Sunday afternoon? The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy Birthday, toes!”
...

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At a May Day parade, a very old Jew is carrying a placard which reads:

"Thank you, comrade Stalin, for my happy childhood!" A Party representative approaches the old man.

"What's that? Are you mocking our Party? Everyone can see that when you were a child, comrade Stalin hadn't yet been born!"

The old man replies, "That is precisely why I am grateful to h...

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It’s parade day in Russia and 3 military thieves are locked in a jail cell awaiting their punishment.

All the other males in the army are either partaking in the parade or out celebrating their national pride and getting drunk on vodka so they have cleverly entrusted their female counterparts to continue running things whilst they are gone.

A female Lieutenant asks her superior, “How are we t...

I should have known my relationship was doomed when my girlfriend made me watch the Vietnamese Independence Day parade.

There were so many red flags.

The weather in New England meant they had to delay the victory parade for the Patriots.

They must feel really deflated.

A Priest dies and goes to heaven. As he's approaching the gates, he hears a band of singing and dancing angels approach, and he begins to get excited.

The lead angel approaches the Priest and asks if he would mind stepping aside for a moment.

Surprised, the Priest does as he's asked.

The angels march out of the gates and encircle a man who has also approached the gates. The man is in a bus driver uniform.

The joyous parade of ...

I went to a white pride parade the other day.

The floats just kept going around in circles about 200 miles per hour.

Why did the straight buffalo dad march in the pride parade? [OC]

To proudly support his Bison.

What was the anthem of Saudi Arabia's first LGBT pride parade?

We Will Rock You.

Did you hear about the time that all the musicians in the parade dropped their instruments and started rioting?

It was total bandemonium

Putin goes to fortune teller to find out his future.

She says:

"I see you on the car, arriving to a parade, there's an enormous crowd, they're crying for happiness when they see you, everybody is happy".

"Great! I'll lead the parade, who I will handshake with?"

"Nobody, your coffin will be closed".

Did you see the 75th annual ninja parade in downtown Tokyo?

Neither did anyone else...

Chuck Norris

When Chuck Norris goes to a pride parade, everyone goes straight home..

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A general inspects his troops

A rough old general has heard about a unit with the reputation of being filled with the toughest soldiers around and decides to see for himself.

After reviewing the troops he decides to go to the medical tent to meet the soldiers who weren't at the parade.

The general gets to the first...

A man an a boy walk into a barbershop

A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair. "I'm going to buy a green tie to wear for the parade" he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes". When the boy's haircut was compl...

Why should you always bring money to LBGT pride parades?

Trans-action fees

Police: How'd you kill 30 people?

Redhead: I was over speeding when all of a sudden the brakes failed. I had two options. There was a parade on one side and a couple walking on the other side.
Police: Why didn't you hit the couple?
Redhead: I did, but as soon as I turned the car towards them, they started running towards the p...

Today I was turned away from an LGBTQ organized event. To think I thought they were inclusive.

This is the last time I take my pack of lions to a pride parade.

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One day the pope wakes up with an erection

Damnit, must have been a side effect from the Holy Viagra. It won't go away, but he has a parade to go to that morning! So he steps onto his Holy Balcony, slips out of his Holy Pyjamas, and does what most people do when they have an erection they want to get rid of.

That's masturbate, by the ...

The way I see it, the March for Science has really turned out to be more of a parade for science puns than an actual protest.

And I'm totally Oxygen-Potassium with that.

A man is on a photo safari in Africa.

He finds an elephant in distress, lying in the bushes. Upon inspection, he finds that the elephant has a large, sharp rock embedded in the bottom of its foot. He carefully pulls the rock free, and the elephant gets up and saunters away.

Almost a decade later he is back in his home town when a...

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Napoleon Bonaparte finds himself and his adjutant in the USSR

the year is 1960, and it's 9th of May - a national holiday of Nazi Germany defeat, with military parade, fireworks, etc.

They both are in a luxury box on the red square - right in front of the parade. USSR military are marching, warmachines and tanks are driving by in columns, fighter jets ar...

A man buys new shoes

And wants to show them to his wife. He gets naked, with the exception of his shoes, and parades out in front of her. "And? Notice something?"

"Nope", she says, "It's hanging like it always is".

"Well", the man says, "it's just admiring my new shoes!"

She turns around in bed, "ne...

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What's green, 2 miles long and has an asshole every couple of feet?

St. Patrick's day parade in Dublin.

What did JFK think of the parade?

He thought it was mind-blowing

Putin asks a fortune teller when he will die...

Putin starts reading all the stuff on the Internet about how he has cancer, is going to be assassinated or overthrown. He goes to a fortune teller and pays her 1,000 rubles to tell his fortune.

She looks in her crystal ball. He says "tell me what you see." She says "I see parades. People danc...

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I miss the good ol days...

When we used to parade our president in a convertible.

Just. Fucking. Kidding

What do you call a group of lions partying on ships in Gibraltar?

A strait pride parade.

Why do french tanks have 6 gears?

5 for reverse, 1 for parade.

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Many fellow physicians were scheduling their own colonoscopy before a respected colleague ended his many years of practice. Just before going under sedation for my procedure I told him…

“I’m just part of the parade of assholes here in your last few months to wish you a happy retirement.”

A French teacher asks her new class if any of them know any French.

Young Johnny lets out a parade of F-bombs-

"Whoa! Hey now?! Who told you that was French?" interrupted the teacher.

"My dad. He is always asking people to pardon his French".

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Why did god give Marines one more IQ point than he gave to horses.

So they won't shit during parades.

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The circus is in town. Main act is a magician and his crocodile...

As he enters the stage, the crowd is silent of anticipation for the famous trick he is about to perform.

The great magician squeezes the eyes of the crocodile, which opens its mouth, he drops his pants and parades his mighty member in front of the applauding crowd. He stands before the animal...

My mom called and told me granpa is now somewhere over the rainbow and gone to his glory.

Yeah, I saw him on the news - he had a hell of a Pride parade.

How do we know JFK was a fan of PDA?

He was all over his wife at the parade

How many North Koreans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A hundred thousand. One to screw in the lightbulb, and the rest for holding the parade.

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Charles XII of Sweden, Darius of Persia and Napoleon are sitting at a bar.

Charles XII of Sweden, Darius of Persia and Napoleon are sitting at a bar, watching a military parade on CNN.
Impressed by modern technology Charles XII says - "Man, if i had mechanised infratry like that I'd have kicked ass at the Poltava battle."

Darius replies - "And if i had artille...

Happy Halloween

Bob thought his new neighbor across the street was strange from the moment he first moved in.  The new neighbor, Jack, was a dorky middle-aged white man, who laughed at his own jokes, which he told repeatedly, and only talked about the stupidest stuff, which he always claimed was super popular on Re...

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A Hispanic, African-American, Jewish, Native American, and Asian man were walking down the street.

They were part of a parade that celebrated racial equality.

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Nice dog...

A man was walking down the street when he observed a funeral passing by. The strange procession consisted of two hearses, followed by a man walking a dog. Behind him were about 20 men of all descriptions, marching along in step. The guy watching all of this was so puzzled by the odd parade that h...

The kings daughter

The kings daughter gets married to the prince of the neighboring kingdom. He couldn't bear that his precious darling is going away with another man. He calls his best spy to check on her and to ensure she's being treated well as the prince's wife.

The next day the spy comes and reports to th...

Donald Trump, Bernie Sanders and kid from the make a wish foundation are on a plane.

Suddenly, the pilot comes bursting from the cabin with what appears to be a parachute on.
“The engine is gone and we’re minutes from crashing so grab a chute and follow me.
The captain opens the door and takes a leap from the plane. Bernie runs across the plane to grab a parachute but sees t...

The two villages were troubled.

They were constantly being forced to search for other places to fish in the river. There was a massive bear that paraded the shores on both sides and this made fishing difficult for both villages that lie on opposite sides of the river.

Earlier there used to be a small pack of wolves that pa...

Captain Smith is an officer of the Union army.

One day, his unit gets overran by an overwhelming ambush by the Confederate army. He is captured and taken to a Confederate garrison where he is brought up to General Jones. To his surprise, he is greeted warmly and served a sumptuous lunch and aged bourbon by his captors.

"I'm sorry, Captain...

My favorite French Army Jokes

**Why do French tanks have rear view mirrors?**

To see the battle


**Why do French tanks have 6 gears?**

5 for reverse, 1 for forward during parades


**Why do French boats have glass bottoms?**

So they can see the rest of their boats


**Why don't cr...

The Kennedys

Everyone says Teddy Kennedy was the big alcoholic of the family. But when you think about it, it was John who was taking shots in the middle of his own parade!

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A guy sees a huge funeral procession in the center of town...

He sees a huge police escort, followed by 2 hearses, a man walking a German Shepherd and 100 people waking single file behind this parade...

The procession stops for a minute and he goes up to the man and asks? What the hell is going on???

The man quietly answers...

My wife is ...

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