What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards ?

A receding hare-line !

Did you hear about the time that all the musicians in the parade dropped their instruments and started rioting?

It was total bandemonium

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A group of 100 people dressed up as Vikings, promoting the new exhibition at the Smithsonian, was seen parading in front of the White House today.

Famously uncivilised, destructive and rapacious, with an almost insatiable appetite for rough sex and heavy drinking, the US Senators nonetheless came out to watch the parade.

Guy gets deployed to Afghanistan. Three years later, he returns to his hometown for a welcome-home parade.

The morning of the parade he's looking for his good shoes and remembers he took them to the shoe repair store just before he left for his deployment. He finds the receipt and hurries off to the store.

"I'm here to pick up my shoes," he says and hands the clerk his receipt. The clerk studies i...

A senior West Wing staffer told Trump that...

...he had a dream, and in that dream Trump got his huge military parade after all, complete with hundreds of thousands of cheering, flag-waving people lining the streets.

"Was I smiling?" Trump asked.

"I don't know," the aide replied. "It was a closed casket."

I went to a white pride parade the other day.

The floats just kept going around in circles about 200 miles per hour.

Why did the T-Rex attack the LGBTQ parade?

It wanted to Taste the Rainbow.

I should have known my relationship was doomed when my girlfriend made me watch the Vietnamese Independence Day parade.

There were so many red flags.

Why did the straight buffalo dad march in the pride parade? [OC]

To proudly support his Bison.

A Sergeant calls his men out to line up on parade.

He calls out: "Private Smith, take one step forward!" After Smith does so, the Sergeant baldly announces: "We've just had word.....your mother is dead!" Whereupon Private Smith collapses on the ground and starts crying uncontrollably.

When the Commanding Officer hears about this, he calls in ...

If january threw a parade would february march?

no but april may!

So, I went to a ninja parade

It was a complete rip off. I didn't see a damn thing, but I kept finding candy in my pockets.

Donald Trump went to see a Psychic recently

Donald Trump went to a psychic recently to ask what she saw in his future. She closed her eyes and went into a trance before saying the following: "I see a parade in your honor in Washington D.C. There are hundreds of thousands of people lining the streets. They are all smiling, and cheering, and wa...

Why was the LGBT parade float a disaster?

Their tranny stopped working

The parade has been on for more than 1.5 minutes and now I'm confused...

... because at the beginning, the announcer clearly said "Welcome to the 90-second Thanksgiving Day parade!"

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It’s parade day in Russia and 3 military thieves are locked in a jail cell awaiting their punishment.

All the other males in the army are either partaking in the parade or out celebrating their national pride and getting drunk on vodka so they have cleverly entrusted their female counterparts to continue running things whilst they are gone.

A female Lieutenant asks her superior, “How are we t...

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Things have gotten so bad in The US that during the last parade they surrounded Donald Trump with bullet proof glass.

Just because he's a White guy with mental health issues doesn't mean he's gonna start shooting up the crowd

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How do you get to the Nazi parade ?

First you take the 4th left and then you take the Third Reich.

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At a May Day parade, a very old Jew is carrying a placard which reads:

"Thank you, comrade Stalin, for my happy childhood!" A Party representative approaches the old man.

"What's that? Are you mocking our Party? Everyone can see that when you were a child, comrade Stalin hadn't yet been born!"

The old man replies, "That is precisely why I am grateful to h...

What was the anthem of Saudi Arabia's first LGBT pride parade?

We Will Rock You.

Why should you always bring money to LBGT pride parades?

Trans-action fees

Why did the Avengers have the best float at the parade?

They had a gigantic Banner!

Donald Trump, Bernie Sanders and kid from the make a wish foundation are on a plane.

Suddenly, the pilot comes bursting from the cabin with what appears to be a parachute on.
“The engine is gone and we’re minutes from crashing so grab a chute and follow me.
The captain opens the door and takes a leap from the plane. Bernie runs across the plane to grab a parachute but sees t...

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"Grandpa, tell the story again when you broke a duck's neck with your erection at your brother's wedding!"

Well, children, the year was 1922. I had nothing more than a flatcap, a shovel, and my favorite pint glass to my name. It was around the time where cars were a brand new luxury and a lass would let you put a thumb in her bum just to honk the horn. Well as luck would have it, I was out peat poaching ...

Bulls on a Parade

On a hot sunny day, I went to a record store. A song was playing on the speakers. Angrily, I picked up a hammer and started banging the speaker system.
The confused owner asked, "What is this?"
I said, "Rage Against the Machine."

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I miss the good ol days...

When we used to parade our president in a convertible.

Just. Fucking. Kidding

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A guy sees a huge funeral procession in the center of town...

He sees a huge police escort, followed by 2 hearses, a man walking a German Shepherd and 100 people waking single file behind this parade...

The procession stops for a minute and he goes up to the man and asks? What the hell is going on???

The man quietly answers...

My wife is ...

Need help: looking for parade jokes. (I know, right?)

I was asked to announce the 4th of July parade in my small hometown. Was wondering if anyone here has been at a parade and heard something funny.

The only thing to work off of right now is that Josh Duhmel is announcing the 4th of July parade in a larger town about 20 minutes away.

T...

The way I see it, the March for Science has really turned out to be more of a parade for science puns than an actual protest.

And I'm totally Oxygen-Potassium with that.

"So, Mrs. Kennedy, how was that parade?"

"Mind blowing"

The weather in New England meant they had to delay the victory parade for the Patriots.

They must feel really deflated.

Captain Smith is an officer of the Union army.

One day, his unit gets overran by an overwhelming ambush by the Confederate army. He is captured and taken to a Confederate garrison where he is brought up to General Jones. To his surprise, he is greeted warmly and served a sumptuous lunch and aged bourbon by his captors.

"I'm sorry, Captain...

Did you see the 75th annual ninja parade in downtown Tokyo?

Neither did anyone else...

Why wouldn't the dog attend the Veterans Day Parade?

There were too many vets.

My mom called and told me granpa is now somewhere over the rainbow and gone to his glory.

Yeah, I saw him on the news - he had a hell of a Pride parade.

What do you call a group of lions partying on ships in Gibraltar?

A strait pride parade.

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Napoleon Bonaparte finds himself and his adjutant in the USSR

the year is 1960, and it's 9th of May - a national holiday of Nazi Germany defeat, with military parade, fireworks, etc.

They both are in a luxury box on the red square - right in front of the parade. USSR military are marching, warmachines and tanks are driving by in columns, fighter jets ar...

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An old farmer is known across the state for his giant pumpkins.

Every year he takes the blue ribbon at the state fair for biggest pumpkin, and every year his town throws a Pumpkin Parade for him where he drives the winner down Main Street in the back of his pickup, the local marching band plays, the mayor makes a speech--- the whole works. Makes the front page ...

A comedian was on vacation in London.

A comedian was on a vacation in London when he came across a large crowd. He pushed and squeezed his way past the ocean of people and saw the Royal Family who were on their way to have lunch. As he takes out his phone to snap a photo, he saw from the corner of his eye a shady man pushing past the cr...

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An old bloke woke up, to celebrate 92nd birthday...

He spoke to his toes. He said, “Hello toes! How are you? You know, you're 92 today. Oh the times we’ve had! Remember we walked in the park in the summer every Sunday afternoon? The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy Birthday, toes!”

“Hello, knees,” he continued. “How are you? Yo...

How many gears does a french tank have?

6 reverse and 1 for parades

The kings daughter

The kings daughter gets married to the prince of the neighboring kingdom. He couldn't bear that his precious darling is going away with another man. He calls his best spy to check on her and to ensure she's being treated well as the prince's wife.

The next day the spy comes and reports to th...

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What's green, 2 miles long and has an asshole every couple of feet?

St. Patrick's day parade in Dublin.

Two racehorses and a dog are in the stable on the night before the big race.

The old horse says, “Kid, I have a favor to ask. Tomorrow’s the last race of my career. If I win, they’ll have a big parade in my honor and put me in a nice pasture for the rest of my life. If I lose, they’ll send me to the glue factory. Now, I’m still a pretty good racer, but I think we both know t...

Police: How'd you kill 30 people?

Redhead: I was over speeding when all of a sudden the brakes failed. I had two options. There was a parade on one side and a couple walking on the other side.
Police: Why didn't you hit the couple?
Redhead: I did, but as soon as I turned the car towards them, they started running towards the p...

A man is on a photo safari in Africa.

He finds an elephant in distress, lying in the bushes. Upon inspection, he finds that the elephant has a large, sharp rock embedded in the bottom of its foot. He carefully pulls the rock free, and the elephant gets up and saunters away.

Almost a decade later he is back in his home town when a...

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Many fellow physicians were scheduling their own colonoscopy before a respected colleague ended his many years of practice. Just before going under sedation for my procedure I told him…

“I’m just part of the parade of assholes here in your last few months to wish you a happy retirement.”

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One day the pope wakes up with an erection

Damnit, must have been a side effect from the Holy Viagra. It won't go away, but he has a parade to go to that morning! So he steps onto his Holy Balcony, slips out of his Holy Pyjamas, and does what most people do when they have an erection they want to get rid of.

That's masturbate, by the ...

A competition was held to determine the country with the best police force in the world

The finalists were U.S., China and Russia, and each were represented by a five-man team.

On the day of the competition, the three teams gathered outside Tongass National Forest in Alaska, alongside a few thousand cheering fans. U.N. Secretary General António Guterres opened the envelope conta...

A general inspecting the troops

A rough old general has heard about a unit with the reputation of being filled with the toughest soldiers around and decides he needs to go and check them out.

After reviewing the troops on parade he decides to go to the medical tent to meet the soldiers who weren't at parade.

The gene...

I went to Spain for a holiday (Long)

and on the Sunday everyone went to the biggest restaurant in town. We went there too. The food was really good but during the meal I heard a drum roll.

The kitchen doors opened and the chef and maitre d marched out with a huge cloche. The locals all went quiet as they paraded this cloche arou...

How many North Koreans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A hundred thousand. One to screw in the lightbulb, and the rest for holding the parade.

My favorite French Army Jokes

**Why do French tanks have rear view mirrors?**

To see the battle


**Why do French tanks have 6 gears?**

5 for reverse, 1 for forward during parades


**Why do French boats have glass bottoms?**

So they can see the rest of their boats


**Why don't cr...

A French teacher asks her new class if any of them know any French.

Young Johnny lets out a parade of F-bombs-

"Whoa! Hey now?! Who told you that was French?" interrupted the teacher.

"My dad. He is always asking people to pardon his French".

How do we know JFK was a fan of PDA?

He was all over his wife at the parade

Hotel in Moscow

As a young man, Nickolai joined in the Bolshevik Revolution and was decorated for his role, and was invited to Moscow for the celebration, and put up in a big hotel there.
He had grown up in a remote village where there was no plumbing and knew nothing of toilets, so when he felt the call of natu...

The two villages were troubled.

They were constantly being forced to search for other places to fish in the river. There was a massive bear that paraded the shores on both sides and this made fishing difficult for both villages that lie on opposite sides of the river.

Earlier there used to be a small pack of wolves that pa...

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Why did god give Marines one more IQ point than he gave to horses.

So they won't shit during parades.

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Charles XII of Sweden, Darius of Persia and Napoleon are sitting at a bar.

Charles XII of Sweden, Darius of Persia and Napoleon are sitting at a bar, watching a military parade on CNN.
Impressed by modern technology Charles XII says - "Man, if i had mechanised infratry like that I'd have kicked ass at the Poltava battle."

Darius replies - "And if i had artille...

The Kennedys

Everyone says Teddy Kennedy was the big alcoholic of the family. But when you think about it, it was John who was taking shots in the middle of his own parade!

The Passion Camel

A young man decides to join the foreign legion.

When he arrives at the fort In the middle of the desert he is shown around by the sergeant.

"Hello recruit, this is where you will sleep, this is where I sleep, you eat over there.. and that shed over there, that's the Passion Camel"
...

Priest gets pulled over on St Patrick's Day

An Irish priest is driving home from the St Patrick’s Day parade. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?”

“Just water,” says the priest.

The trooper says, “The...

A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together.......

After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair and instructs the barber how to cut the boy's hair.


"I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."


When the boy...

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British Redneck Joke

Bubba Windsor and Earl Spencer had just finished a leisurely tour of The Fitzwilliam Museum at Grove Lane and a gourmet repast at Loch Fyne Restaurant Ltd. on Trumpington St. On this fine afternoon they were proceeding northwest toward King's Parade and their destination, St Catherine's College of C...

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A Hispanic, African-American, Jewish, Native American, and Asian man were walking down the street.

They were part of a parade that celebrated racial equality.

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