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Ate a bad burrito yesterday and went to bed early, woke up to use the bathroom and heard fireworks. Looked at the time and it was midnight.

What a shitty way to start the New Year. (True story)

Fireworks have been really popular in 2020.

Sales have skyrocketed.

As much as I love fireworks there is a problem.

I just blow through them

I can’t believe people are letting fireworks off in October!

It’s scared the dog so badly he’s knocked the Christmas tree over.

Totally sick of idiots letting fireworks off early, it’s still October for goodness sake!!!

Dog is going mad and keeps knocking the Christmas tree over!

People are currently shooting fireworks off in my neighborhood. I'm usually all for shooting fireworks to celebrate the founding of the greatest nation on Earth, but come on...

Canada Day was yesterday!

I was unfairly dismissed today from my job as a fireworks coordinator

It was bang out of order.

A car battery and a box of fireworks were hanging out when they were arrested for loitering

The police charged the battery and let the fireworks off.

Police found a couple kids the other day, one eating fireworks and the other eating batteries.

They let one off but charged the other.

Many veterans experience PTSD from the loud bangs of fireworks around holidays like 4th of July and New Years. My advice to them is to use noise-cancelling headphones, Netflix, and pharmaceutical-grade weed.

Just like the children of Kabul.

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After having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that was enough,...

...as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly al...

Is New years but your ....

Not sure if the explosion's out side the window are fireworks or nukes going off

What can you use to light fireworks?

Well, fire works

From a post on Twitter

My neighbor just whipped out the fireworks.


I would like to wish everyone a happy 8:42 PM!

Why are fireworks so cool?

It’s cause they’re lit.

What did the lightning say to the fireworks?

Hey! You stole my thunder.

Credit to my nine year old daughter on the 4th

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I watched a great fireworks show tonight

Through the phone of the asshole in front of me.

Last 4th I remember watching the fireworks on the TV

In hindsight, that probably wasn't the best place to light them

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Fireworks remind me of sex..

I'm always surprised when it lasts more than a few seconds.

No one seems to like my fireworks....

How else am I supposed to celebrate veterans day?

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Three married women are having a "girls only" night out

**NOTE: I'm TRYING TO TRANSLATE THIS JOKE FROM MY LANGUAGE TO ENGLISH HOPE IT TRANSLATES WELL AND SORRY FOR BAD GRAMMAR**

They are enjoying a lovely evening talking about their lives as they usually do every week when they meet up, one of them is particularly excited and fails to hide her exc...

The nerve of some people! Here it is, July 8th and idiots are outside shooting off fireworks.

They almost burned down my caught my Christmas decorations on fire.

Q: What do you get if you mix ducks with fireworks?





**A : Firequackers.**

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Fireworks are like sex

Some people watch it

Weirdos video tape it

And some people furiously masturbate to it

Why to do a research before buying fireworks?

To get the best bang for your buck.

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A man dies and goes to hell...

He arrives in hell to find Satan standing behind a podium, like a game show host, there are 3 doors behind him, marked 1,2 and 3, coloured Red, White and Blue.

The man walks up to Satan, Satan says “ Choose a door, but beware, once in you cannot leave” The man asks “ well what’s behind the do...

This cop had just finished his shift one cold July evening and was sitting at home next to his wife.

"You won't believe what happened this evening, Hallie. In all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it."
"Really?" She says. "Tell me what happened."
"Man, I came across these two dudes down by the river. One of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating firew...

I was afraid I might fail my fireworks exam

But I passed with flying colors

Bullets and fireworks are the only things that do their job

After they've been fired.

Steps to take the best fireworks video!

Step 1:

Reconsider

little Johnny's father gives him $50 to buy some fireworks for new year

When he returns, they try a couple but none of them worked

"Johnny, where did you get these fireworks? None of them work"

"Strange, when I was on my way back, I tried them all and they worked just fine"

Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney?

Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender.

Ed Sheeran's Perfect Timing

Some background is required to understand this beautiful joke.

My best friend is engaged to my little brother and the summer after our senior year she had to get surgery because her legs were growing inward. They broke her femurs and inserted metal rods to help them grow back straight, and th...

My humor is so dry...

I'm legitimately worried about stray fireworks this weekend.

TIL that if you plug your amp into a 12" instead of your 8", you get fireworks.

Whoops. Wrong sub.

To celebrate the new year, the UK set off tonnes of fireworks in London. GF: this is such a waste of money. There are homeless people and people starving, and the government pay for this!

Me: yes, but blowing them up would be wrong.

July 4th PSA: On one hand fireworks are a lot of fun.

On the other hand I only have 2 fingers.

How are women similar to fireworks?

They're fun to watch from a distance, dangerous up close, and can be ignited by the smallest spark.

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Did you hear about the Rabbi who made his own fireworks? He called them

Mazel Tov Cocktails

^(I am **so** sorry)

^^I'll ^^see ^^myself ^^out.

A policeman sees two boys, one with batteries, the other with fireworks

He charges the first boy and lets the other off.

What do you get when you cross a tyrannosaurus rex with fireworks?

DINO-MITE!

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American

She shares the joys of being a part of the greatest country in the world, and asks her students to raise their hands if they are or want to be American too. Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks.

There is, however,...

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Guy in town on business goes to a local bar...

Guy is in town on business and goes to local bar. As he is drinking he starts talking to the attractive woman next to him. They get up and start dancing.

As they are dancing she says “for $10 I can give you and amazing hand job.” He’s interested but replies “how do I know it will be amazing?...

[Long] Rabbi Goldman, World Traveller, comes to a lovely island in the South Pacific.

It's a beautiful place, lush and vibrant, and it's home to a tribe called the Trids. Goldman makes a good impression on them, and they're a very welcoming people already, so it' s not long before they're having a nice cookout to welcome him.

While they're eating, Rabbi Goldman looks inland, a...

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Minecraft update

There will be a item added where you can stick fireworks up mobs butts and launch them

You'll find the tool in the missile anus section

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Napoleon Bonaparte finds himself and his adjutant in the USSR

the year is 1960, and it's 9th of May - a national holiday of Nazi Germany defeat, with military parade, fireworks, etc.

They both are in a luxury box on the red square - right in front of the parade. USSR military are marching, warmachines and tanks are driving by in columns, fighter jets ar...

Easter Joke

So three brothers die together, on Easter Sunday. All three then arrive at the pearly gates and meet Saint Peter.

"Well, none of you have been that good. But none of you have been that bad either," Saint Peter says, looking over the story and deeds of their lives. "I'll tell you what. Seeing...

I know many people have been appalled by reopen protestors risking public health for questionable reasoning. But, just remember 2-3% of em’ will be dead in the next few months anyway....

....not from Coronavirus but from fireworks accidents and ATV rollovers

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Haven't seen this one on reddit yet

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an American are in separate planes flying over there respective countries.
The Englishman looks out the window and tosses out a crate of tea and states "I give the gift of tea to my people".
The Frenchman looks out his window and tosses a case of crosses out...

Suicide Bombers don’t like to be called explosives

They self identify as fireworks

What do baseball pitchers and TSA agents have in common?

Fireworks go off in the sky if they do their job incorrectly.

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Little Johnny

Little Johnny was late into class one morning & the teacher asked "And what have you been doing to be so late Johnny?"

"I've been shoving fireworks in the arse of frogs miss!"

"Johnny, it's rectum"

"To right it wrecked-em!"

What's your favorite game as a resident of Chicago?

Mine is "Gunshots Or Fireworks?"

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An American and a Soviet die and go to hell...

Satan meets them at the gate.

"Just for fun, I'ma give you two both a choice. You can either go to American or Soviet hell."

"What's the difference, trucker?" asks Arlo Freedom.
"Would they not simply be the 2010s versions of our countries?" entreats Ivan Dmitrovich.

"Not rea...

Unnecessary Arrests

The other day, a police officer was walking through the park. He saw two kids. One of the kids was eating fireworks. The other was drinking battery acid. The officer immediately arrested both kids and brought them to the station. When they got there, the officer's superior told him to let one o...

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The burn victim

A kid burns his eyelids off one day playing with fireworks. He's rushed to the hospital where they conduct emergency surgery. The kid was fortunately uncircumcised, so they took the foreskin to replace the lids that had been seared away. His parents however, were furious about the rushed surgery bec...

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