On the Friday before the first weekend of the semester, the Professor announces that there will be a quiz the following week, and it will be a surprise. By a "surprise", he clarifies that while he knows when the quiz will be, the students **will not know** which day the quiz will be ahead of time, s...
Contradicting Coronavirus advice!
First, we hear alcohol may prevent the virus... now research suggests the opposite. Then we’re told heat and humidity has no effect, but wait... direct sunlight might quickly kill the virus. So, if you come across some elderly bloke, standing in the yard, intoxicated and naked, leave me alone... I’m...
What do you call an idiot who contradicts himself?
Where do you moor two boats that contradict each other?
Hello and welcome to Contradictions Anonymous.
What's your name?
What do you call a nonbinary programmer?
A contradiction in terms
Someone told me contradicting myself is a sin…
Thank God I'm atheist
People say ambidextrous people contradict themselves.
On the other hand, I disagree.
Piano is my forte.
A man, his wife and the doctor are in the hospital while the wife gives birth
Husband: are you ok?
Wife: I am ok, I’m really not, this feels great, this is the worst pain of my life
Husband: what does this mean?
Doctor: don’t worry, those are just the contradictions
A critic reads what the local newspapers say about him
The papers say that everything he says seems to contradict itself. Baffled and deeply offended by this, the critic loudly proclaimed:
"My rage is indescribable!"
i found a magical lamp, rubbed it and a genie appeared, he said: "i grant you only one wish, use it wisely"
i said "ok,i want unlimited wishes".
then we started arguing with the genie, genie claimed he accepts only one wish and this wish is unacceptable and in contradiction with the original grant.
so i had another wish, i said "i want you to be my slave and do whatever i like". it was...
A police officer was brought to the stand to testify on behalf of his partner who was accused of making a wrongful arrest.
“Your honor,” the cop began “my partner on duty has always been my closest friend and my most trustworthy work associate. I trust this man with my life and I believe that speaks volumes for his character.”
“Objection, your honor!” Said the plaintiff’s lawyer.
“Sustained,” said the judg...
The three things I hate the most in this world...
...are racists, Chinese people, and contradictions.
I'm what you would call an anti-social extrovert.
That may sound like a contradiction, but it basically means that being alone makes me what to kill myself and I love it
[Please excuse my bad english, I'm still an amateur]
An american man with a briefcase full of illegal drugs was walking through an busy crowd somewhere in Mumbai.
"Sweet! Imma sell this for thousands of dollars"
As he made his way through the crowd, he heard someone screaming, h...
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
Bill, a small business owner is at work one day and hears God speak to him.
"Bill, this is God," says a booming voice, "You need to sell your business and go to Las Vegas with all of your proceeds."
Bill is understandably shocked and when he asks God why he should do that, the instructions are repeated, only louder. So Bill, having been raised a God- fearing person, ...
There are two kinds of people.
1) Those who contradict themselves
Do you know what "oxymoron" means?
It's a term in which contradicting words occur together. For example: a "clever vegan" or a "female driver"