UPJOKE

### I don't always contradict myself,

but when I do, I don't.

### Do numbers exist? A proof by contradiction.

Step 1) Assume numbers don't exist

....

An Oxy-moron!!

### "What's your biggest weakness?" asked the job interviewer.

"I don't know my own strengths," I replied.

"What's your biggest strength?"

First, we hear alcohol may prevent the virus... now research suggests the opposite. Then we’re told heat and humidity has no effect, but wait... direct sunlight might quickly kill the virus. So, if you come across some elderly bloke, standing in the yard, intoxicated and naked, leave me alone... I’m...

### People say ambidextrous people contradict themselves.

On the other hand, I disagree.

### What did the self-contradicting junkie say to the other?

It's an Oxy, moron.

Piano is my forte.

### A minister is giving a sermon on marital relations and happiness in marriage.

He states that those who have the happiest marriages have very regular conjugal relations. To prove his point he asks those who have such relations several times a week to stand. As they do he sees a smiling group of people. Then he asks who have conjugal relations several times a month and those...

### Jim Just Started a Class on Logic

On the Friday before the first weekend of the semester, the Professor announces that there will be a quiz the following week, and it will be a surprise. By a "surprise", he clarifies that while he knows when the quiz will be, the students **will not know** which day the quiz will be ahead of time, s...

### A police officer was brought to the stand to testify on behalf of his partner who was accused of making a wrongful arrest.

“Your honor,” the cop began “my partner on duty has always been my closest friend and my most trustworthy work associate. I trust this man with my life and I believe that speaks volumes for his character.”

“Objection, your honor!” Said the plaintiff’s lawyer.

“Sustained,” said the judg...

### A critic reads what the local newspapers say about him

The papers say that everything he says seems to contradict itself. Baffled and deeply offended by this, the critic loudly proclaimed:

"My rage is indescribable!"

### A man, his wife and the doctor are in the hospital while the wife gives birth

Husband: are you ok?

Wife: I am ok, I’m really not, this feels great, this is the worst pain of my life

Husband: what does this mean?

Doctor: don’t worry, those are just the contradictions

### Indian police.

[Please excuse my bad english, I'm still an amateur]

An american man with a briefcase full of illegal drugs was walking through an busy crowd somewhere in Mumbai.

"Sweet! Imma sell this for thousands of dollars"

As he made his way through the crowd, he heard someone screaming, h...

### The three things I hate the most in this world...

...are racists, Chinese people, and contradictions.

### There are two kinds of people.

1) Those who contradict themselves

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Bill, a small business owner is at work one day and hears God speak to him.

"Bill, this is God," says a booming voice, "You need to sell your business and go to Las Vegas with all of your proceeds."

Bill is understandably shocked and when he asks God why he should do that, the instructions are repeated, only louder. So Bill, having been raised a God- fearing person, ...

### i found a magical lamp, rubbed it and a genie appeared, he said: "i grant you only one wish, use it wisely"

i said "ok,i want unlimited wishes".

then we started arguing with the genie, genie claimed he accepts only one wish and this wish is unacceptable and in contradiction with the original grant.

so i had another wish, i said "i want you to be my slave and do whatever i like".
it was...

### I'm what you would call an anti-social extrovert.

That may sound like a contradiction, but it basically means that being alone makes me what to kill myself and I love it

### I may be an oxymoron,

But at least what i say doesn’t contradict what I said before

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