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Alec Baldwin has confirmed he will no longer be playing the role of Donald Trump on SNL

From now on he will play the role of Dick Cheney.

Two guys were in an English pub.

They called the publican over to settle an argument.

"Are there two pints in a quart or four?" asked one.

"There are two pints in a quart" confirmed the publican.

They moved back along the bar and soon the barmaid asked for their order.

"Two pints miss, and they are on ...

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In 2020, it has been confirmed that the Earth is neither flat nor round.

It's fucked.

Crow deaths

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely ...

Chuck Norris has been confirmed to be exposed to COVID-19

Virus has been quarantined for 14 days

My suspicions about corruption among trawlers has been confirmed

I knew something smelt fishy

A guy finds his dog with the neighbors pet rabbit in its mouth

The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house. He gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts it back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor asks the guy, "Did you h...

The World Health Organisation has confirmed canines do not carry the virus and can be released from pounds.

WHO let the dogs out.

Scientists confirmed today that anteaters are incapable of contracting Covid...

Apparently they're filled with anty-bodies

It’s confirmed . Fresh cow dung can stop corona

Dip both your hands in fresh cow dung before going out.

This will make sure that

a) you will not touch your eyes, nose, ear or mouth.

b) nobody will shake hands with you.

c) Nobody will come near you when you are out in the streets.

d) You will wash your hands thor...

Breaking news: Conspiracy against trump confirmed.

In a recent study of ballots it has become apparent that there was in fact a Conspiracy during the election.

Turns out it was way worse than the Republicans first thought though, it is now believed that a massive conspiracy involving some 81 million American adults conspired together against ...

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West Virginia is the last US state without a confirmed case of COVID-19.

Not because they don’t have it, but because they can’t figure out how to read the tests.

A woman went out for drinks one night and didn't come home till morning.

The next day she told her husband she had slept over at a friend's house. The man, not believing her, decided to call his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

The following week it was the man's turn not to come home one night. The following day he told his wife that he had sle...

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Last night John Travolta was hospitalised for a suspected case of Covid-19

But his doctors have now confirmed it was only Saturday night fever and they assure everyone that he’s staying alive.

Apparently he had chills that were multiplying.

What's similar between the squareroot of -1 and the number of confirmed cases in China

They are both not real numbers

The Artemis mission is a success, two astronauts land on the moon.

The astronauts are exploring the surface and collecting samples. The mission is going well, but one of the astronauts notices something strange in the distance.

"Hey, what's that thing on the ground?" the astronaut points.

They cannot make out what it is, so the two astronauts approac...

Scientists have confirmed a new strain of bird flu going around

It's transmitted from crows and ravens to people. They've named it Corvid-19

Amazon Employee in Seattle Confirmed to have Coronavirus.

Prime customers expected to have it by Tomorrow if they order within the next 1 hr and 21 mins

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America just announced about an hour ago that we officially have the world's most confirmed COVID-19 cases.

\#1 AGAIN, bitches.

I WOULD LIKE TO ANNOUNCE THAT MY GIRLFRIEND IS NOW EATING FOR TWO!!! after a doctor's visit yesterday he confirmed what we’ve been suspecting for weeks now.

she has a tapeworm.

Smith was a man of cold facts, a scientist, a computer jock, and a confirmed atheist.

He became somewhat obsessed with the desire to prove the truth as he saw it. So he mortgaged his house and sold his car in order to put a down payment on the most powerful computer commercially available. Then Smith plugged it into every data bank in the world, accessed every library in the United S...

So there's only one state with no confirmed coronavirus infections, do you know which one it is?

The state of denial

I just admitted to my wife that I have been confirmed COVID19 positive.

She said that this puts a real strain on our relationship.

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Dusty Hill Blinked his eye open.

His head felt fuzzy. His eyes sticky. Dusty Hill Blinked his eyes open. "Wake up Dusty" said a familiar voice. His eyes focused, his brain whirled. It couldn't be who it seemed to be. Jimi mother fucking hendrix?

.

"Wake up Dusty. It's showtime!" Said the coolest voice ev...

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Doctors have confirmed that masturbation is life threatening

Many men have died after having a stroke

The first case for COVID-19 has been confirmed in Russia

The patients name is Ivor Chestikov

A toilet has been confirmed stolen

Unfortunately, the police have nothing to go on

The US Military today confirmed that two marijuana users were killed when an aircraft crashed into a house shortly after takeoff.

Experts are saying it's the first recorded instance of killing two stoners with one bird.

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A pigeon, a snake, and a bear are debating

"See that family over there," the pigeon says, looking at a happy family at a park, "I can go over to their picnic and get the humans to give food."

The snake and bear give a laugh. "We can all get food," they say. "No," the pigeon dictates, "I can get them to give me food in a more creative ...

How come Bruce Wayne is always single?

Because he's a confirmed Batular.

This pregnancy test I just took confirmed my worst fear.

I'm just fat.

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[Long] I met a pirate...

At least, I think he was a pirate. I never asked, but he had an eye patch over one eye, a wooden leg, a hook where his hand should be, and a parrot on his shoulder. So I was pretty sure he was a pirate. Also, we were on the boardwalk by the beach, so I figured that's as likely a place as any for a p...

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I had an odd hunch that my brother would watch horror-themed clown porn in the park. So i bought a pair of binoculars with a 5280 feet capability, and used them to view his usual bench from afar. When he finally sat down and pulled out his phone, my suspicions were confirmed

I saw It cumming from a mile away

I always suspected that my neighbors had weird traditions, and it was confirmed when I saw them donating their deceased

It was a dead giveaway

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So as some of you probably already heard Overwatch character Soldier 76 was confirmed to be a gay.

His voiceline *"Well, all that stuff they pumped into me has to be good for something."* did not age well though.

Scientists say there are now 4 confirmed states of matter

Solid matter
Liquid matter
Gas matter
and most recently...
Black Lives matter

NASA confirmed that, in the end of the afternoon of day 21, the skies are going to be very dark.

It's a phenomenon called "Night".

I'm glad that DeVos was confirmed as education secretary.

Now I don't have to worry about my grandkids being able to read some of my dumbest Facebook posts... or anything else, for that matter.

Did you hear they confirmed Princess Diana had dandruff?

They found her head and shoulders in the glove box

The man who invented the remote control was confirmed dead today...

They found his body down the back of the sofa.

Jeb Bush Unanimously Confirmed by Senate

for Secretary of Low Energy.

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Great, so a week ago my doctor gave me a letter, which confirmed that I have dyslexia...

and now I've received one that says I have tiny tits.

Oh no wait, tinnitus.

Wack-em

A man confessed to killing a cow in a rice field today with 2 porcelain figures, officials say that this is the first confirmed case of a knick-knack paddy wack

8th Harry Potter book confirmed, you'll never believe who wrote it...

J.K.

Grant Imahara walks up to the pearly gates...

As he looks around, confused, a booming voice speaks to him across the clouds...

“...Myth confirmed.”

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