UPJOKE
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Obligatory Jokes

Obligatory Cake Day joke

What do a pregnant woman and a burnt cake have in common?

Pulled out too late.

Obligatory cake day joke

When I was young, I always felt like a male trapped in a females body. Then I was born

My girlfriend asked me who my favorite vampire was...

I told her it was the dude from Sesame street

She said, "He doesn't count."

I said, "Oh I assure you, he does."

(obligatory cake day joke)

What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?

The gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.


^obligatory ^not ^my ^joke

Obligatory Cake Day Dad Joke

My friend keeps saying "Cheer up mate it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water".

I know he means well.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The kids asked what was for dinner and I told them "Scraps". They started crying. Spoiled brats, it's really hard to get food at the moment thanks to the panic buying.

And it was a stupid name for a dog anyway.



(Obligatory thank-you edit for the silver!)

(Narwhal! Narwhals are cool!)

A racist, a murderer, and a wife beater walk into a bar

The bartender says, "what can I get you officer?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mother shark is teaching her young how to eat humans...

"First, you go straight at them and then you circle them. You go straight at them again and circle them again. Finally, you go straight at them and then you eat them"

"But, mom, why can't I just eat them the first time around?"

"Well, I suppose you can, but why would you want to eat th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried to submit a patent for a gold-plated butt plug, but Steve Jobs beat me to it.

It turns out, he was already making overpriced toys for assholes

[Obligatory edit: top submitted post is about butt plugs. Wowza! Also, thank you, kind Redditor for the gold! I can't believe a gilded joke is about sex toys :)]

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For my cake day, an obligatory joke about cake

Little Johnny can't sleep. He decides to get out of bed and peeks into his parents room, catching them having sex.



Johnny asks, “Hey what are you guys doing?”



His mother quickly covers up and yells, “Nothing, nothing! We were just, uh, making a cake.”



...

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Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was telling this girl about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs...

"Really?" she said, "Go on then...try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she lost patience and demanded "Come on, what day was I born?"

“Yesterday." I replied.

Today I got a girlfriend

I wish I could post this in another subreddit.

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Two neighbours go to the doctors checkup for the obligatory militairy service

They both hoped to be rejected, but are perfectly fine man. As he was about to enter the room, one neighbour said to the other: wait me out, I'm gonna be rejected.

So 10 minutes later the guy came out and guess what. Rejected.

"Rejected? For what?"

"I just shoved 100 bucks up ...

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So I picked up this girl the other day.....

and she took me back to her house where things got hot and heavy very quickly. I bent her over the kitchen table and started going at it when suddenly we heard the front door open.
"Oh shit , it's my boyfriend ! " she exclaimed "Quick, use the backdoor" .

Now it's at about this time I prob...

Obligatory post on 3/14: Why should you never talk to pi?

Because he'll just go on forever.

Three people die and appear before Buddha

Stunned by the divine presence before them, they lower their heads.

-Raise your heads. You were humble in life and your deeds were praiseworthy. You have earned the right to a reincarnation of your choice. You have much to accomplish yet though.

One of the people takes a step forward a...

The obligatory "cattle guard" joke for the next president

Stolen from [Snopes](http://www.snopes.com/politics/humor/cattleguards.asp)

For those of you who have never traveled to the west, or southwest, cattle guards are horizontal steel rails placed at fence openings, in dug-out places in the roads adjacent to highways (sometimes across highways), t...

The first jockstrap in ice hockey was introduced in 1874. The helmet was first obligatory in 1974.

So it took precisely 100 years before men realized that the brain eventually could be useful too.

What did the cake say to the birthday boy?

You want a piece of me?

(Obligatory cake joke for my cake day!)

Did you know Avatar is a sequel to Titanic?

It picks up where Titanic left off, in the sense that half the cast is blue and dying.

Obligatory edit: Frontpage on /r/jokes! Wohooo!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pleading to the r/jokes community. Can we please stop all the "this is an old joke" comments?

I mean, every joke that makes it to the front page has the obligatory "this is an old joke", "I've heard this before" comment. Unless the OP literally made the joke up themselves, then *every* joke on here has been heard before. My internal response to those comments is always "NO SHIT."

Ye...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIFU by not wanting to get a boner

Obligatory this happened yesterday.

So I was sitting on the train in front of this beautiful Thai girl. Nice cleavage, short skirt and the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen in my life.

I started feeling blood rushing to my man parts, as I was praying "please don't get a boner, please ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to the doctor for his physical. The doctor says to him, “Well, for starters, you’re going to have to stop masturbating.”

The guy asks, “Why?”
And the doctor replies, “Because Good God, man! I’m trying to give you your physical!”

Obligatory Cake Day post. Thank you.

TIFU by taking my girlfriend to a food themed costume orgy.

Obligatory didn't happen today, but a few weeks ago, me and my girlfriend decided to spice up our relationship by going to an orgy. A mutual friend of ours gave us the adress, and told us to wear costumes. I was broccoli, my girlfriend was a tomato.

When we arrived, the door was unlocked. Th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I came home from work today to find my wife and her two fat friends eating doritos on the couch..

I mumbled under my breath "fat fucking cows" she said "what did you just say?!" "You herd"

PS: obligatory repost after reading the other joke in the frontpage

An elderly preacher and his wife of a similar age are ecstatic when she becomes pregnant...

They'd tried for years when they were younger, but after it never happened they'd given up on the idea, deciding it just wasn't in God's plan for them. They told their friends and family the good news.

One of them told the local paper about the miracle child, and since it had been a slow news...

My birthday was so beautiful

Even the cake was in Tiers





Obligatory cake day post :)

Hope you enjoy it.

I hope everyone is doing well during these tough times. Even if you’re not, that is completely understandable and valid. Just know, that I may not know you, but I am supporting you. Sendi...

A Czech and a Pole go hiking

They wander upon two bears having relations. They try to run but the bears easily chase them down and eat them. A ranger hears the commotion and runs in and shoots the bears. Police arrive and they dissect the female bear and find the Pole. The ranger sighs and says, "Well, I guess the Czech is in t...

TIFU by going on a hike with my soccer team

Obligatory this happened a three weeks ago...

I haven't [insert] since last year.

(obligatory)

A plane was traveling across the Atlantic...

...when there was an explosion from one of the engines.

Pilot: "I'm afraid we're all gonna crash and die because it's just too heavy to keep it in the air."

Despite throwing all unnecessary items from the plane, it still descended rapidly.

Suddenly, a Frenchman stood up and shou...

The Botched Executions

Obligatory first time posting so I'm hoping I follow all the guidelines and you all like the joke!

A Priest, Lawyer and Engineer are traveling together in a foreign country and unfortunately get arrested. They are all three set to be executed by guillotine.

The Priest is all set up, a ...

Engineers and managers on train

(obligatory, English is my second language, so expect some mistakes)

Group of engineers and managers are going to a conference and they're travelling by train. Managers bought one ticket each while whole engineers group has single ticket. Managers laught at them for not planning properly, bu...

I met a deaf gynecologist today..

Apparently, he reads lips.

(Obligatory: posted this in /r/dadjokes, thought this sub might like it as well.)

Apple’s Hiring Practices

Apple realized they needed new programmers, so they began putting out word that they were seeking experienced workers. Unfortunately, due to the incompatibility between Microsoft and Apple products, they decided is was best to refrain from hiring former Microsoft employees. Their solution to weed th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Where do Grammar Nazis get put on trial?

You're*-emburg




^^^^^^I'm ^^^^^^sorry...



**Edit: obligatory second page post. Can't believe I'm on the second page!**

4 rules to a happy mariage

You need a women who loves you unconditionally. You need a women who will always challenge you. A women who you'll always want to make love to. Most importantly make sure these women never meet.

Obligatory, not my joke (as most on this subreddit.) Started watching Lie to Me and that's where ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two genies in a deserted house..

A guy gets lost in a desert and stumbles upon a house smack bang in the middle of the desert. After ascertaining that it wasn't a mirage, he enters the house and sees three doors and a lamp at the entrance of the house.

He rubs it and out pop two genies, who are very grateful and decide to gr...

The Glorious Leader visits a pig farm

Kim Jong-Un visits a pig farm and has the obligatory propaganda photo taken.

Later, three editors for the Pyongyang Times are facing the task of finding an appropriate caption.
#1: "How about 'The Glorious Leader among pigs'?"
#2: "Are you mad? That could cost us our heads!"
#3: "How...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stalin is dead and things have begun to lighten up a bit relatively speaking

An old couple live in an apartment in Moscow and she sends him down to buy some meat for supper. After queueing for the obligatory three hours he gets to the counter and the woman says 'No more meat, meat finished'. He cracks and starts raving 'I fought in the Revolution, I fought for Lenin in the F...

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The Traveling Salesmen and the Farmer's Daughter

(Obligatory traveling salesmen break down, ask farmer for shelter, farmer warns against sleeping with daughter, salesmen do anyway setup...)

"As punishment," the farmer says sternly, "you're going to help me with my harvest. Go outside and pick one hundred of your favorite fruit."

The ...

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