UPJOKE
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My Family Jokes

My wife and I are both unemployed. My mum died in a car crash. We have three children and we're all staying in my grandma's place, and my grandma died this week. My dad has to work at 73. I'll do any job to take care of my family. Please share.

Sincerely,

William, Prince of Wales

I think my family is racist

I brought my Asian girlfriend home for dinner and my wife and kids were very rude to her.

I brought my girlfriend home to meet my family.

They criticized everything she did, mocked her heritage and gave her a psychiatric disorder.

I guess I shouldn't have insisted on the royal treatment.

Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.

It’s my longest running joke of the year.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Introducing My girlfriend to my family]

Me: This is my girlfriend Janine

Janine: Hi

Wife: What the fuck

I think my family is racist

I've been nervous for weeks, but I finally decided to introduce them to my Spanish girlfriend

My kids refused to talk to her and my wife started crying and told me to pack my things

Everyone in my family was a police officer, except for my grandad, who was a bank robber

He died last week

surrounded by his family

Alcoholism doesn’t run in my family

It drives

My dad died last year when my family couldn’t remember his blood type for the blood transfusion

As he was dying he kept insisting “be positive”but it’s hard without him.

My family insists i am addicted to drinking brake fluid.

But i can stop any time i want.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sadly I think my family are a bunch of racists.

I started dating a black girl recently, so I decided to bring her home to meet the family.

The kids wouldn't talk to her and my wife told me to pack my bags and leave.

My family is furious at me for implying my Sister in an idiot for not vaccinating her child...

I suppose the funeral wasn’t the right place to say it.

Today I cooked something for my family and they all said it was terrible.

Jokes on them, the smoke detector thought it was fire.

I introduced my girlfriend to my family today.

My kids really liked her but my wife seemed mad.

My family treats me like a God

They forget that I exist unless they want something

Went to a Vikings game with my family and decided I wanted a drink. Wanted the big soda but when I saw the price I decided.....

a Minnesota will do.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've had sex with members of my family...

...my wife and my ex-wife.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Everyone in my family is bad at holding in their piss.

Sadly, it runs in our jeans.

My family is like a treasure to me…

You need a shovel and a map to find them

I need glasses to se my family..

specially two glasses or scotch

Despite the pandemic, my family decided to get together for a big dinner this Christmas

The food was bad though, didn't taste like anything

my family is like a box of cereal

Those who aren't nuts or fruits are flakes

Back when I was 8 years old, my family decided to move.

Don't worry, I found where they moved to.

Every night, my whole life, I'd prayed to the saints to keep my family and home safe.

Which is why when my house was destroyed in an earthquake my faith was shook. The saints must have been distracted by something that day. I don't want to point the finger at anyone in particular, but I can't help feeling it must have been San Andreas' fault.

My family branded me as a failure, then I invented an invisibility cloak.

If only they could see me now...

I sent that ‘Ancestry’ site some information on my Family Tree.

They sent me back a pack of Seeds, and suggested that I just start Over..

Gambling brought my family closer together.

We had to buy a smaller house.

When I get old and become a grandfather, I hope my family calls me pee-paw

Not because I would be grouchy, but because of my urinary incontinence

My family was furious at me for not worrying about my cousin who got the left side of his body crushed by a boulder.

I knew he’d be all right.

I took my family to a fancy dress party, I asked my wife to be a panda, my kid to be a koala and I went as a grizzly. My wife didn't get the joke, so I said I will tell you when we get to the party... At the party I still refused to tell her and told her to be patient, so when we left...

...I simply turned to her and said, thanks for bearing with me!

My brother, uncle, and cousin came to my family reunion in Alabama

To keep things simple, I call him "dad."

As I was introducing my family to our new neighbors, the guy exclaimed, “Wow! Your wife and daughter look like twins!” I chuckled and said...

“Well, they *were* separated at birth!"

I am suspicious that someone in my family has been secretly adding glue to my weapons collection.

Everyone denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.

Reddit servers went down today, so I went downstairs and spoke with my family.

They seem like nice people.

Everyone in my family has become a huge fan of 80's pop band The Knack

We all have Sharona virus.

My psychiatrist asked me if anyone else suffered from mental illness in my family.

I answered " No they all seem to enjoy it"

Growing up as the youngest in my family, I constantly got beat up by the two oldest

mom and dad

My family plays a lot of games during family game night, but one game never gets mentioned.

We don't talk about Uno.

My family says I look like a hobbit in all my pictures.

What can I say? I'm very frodogenic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My family thinks that I belong on that Hoarders show just because I collect magazines.

I said I’m not crazy. But I did admit I have a lot of issues.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's my birthday today and I'm fucking fuming with my family, they all clubbed together to get me a course of psychiatric therapy sessions.

I'd asked for a crossbow.

Instead of yelling at my family I used to yell into a colander

All it did was strain my voice

I took my family out for an expensive meal the other night and surprised everyone by ordering in French.

It was a Chinese restaurant.

My family is divided on the question of imported fruits. My mom says no.

Papaya

Last winter, I went bobsleighing with my family

Killed 37 Bobs

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Zoo keeper says to Paddy. "The gorilla is on heat and we need someone to have sex with it. Would you consider shagging it for £500? Paddy replies, I will on 3 conditions: 1st I'm not going to kiss it. 2nd my family must never know.

3rd i'll need a couple of weeks to get the cash together.

When I was a kid, my family used to move a lot.

But I always found them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My family were judging me for watching porn recently.

Had I known it was a competition, I'd have put more effort in.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My new doctor asked me if there was a history of stroke in my family and I told him no.

However, I told him that my wife's family were all a bunch of wankers.

There’s this running joke in my family.

That’s what my mom said when I became a runner

I want to be a doctor as the rest of my family.

“No one in your family is a doctor”

“No but they want to be”

My family's favorite drummer jokes.

How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they have machines for that now.

What did the drummer say before he was kicked out of the band?

Hey, I thought I'd share some song ideas I've written.

How do you count drummers?

1, 2 ... 1, 2, 3, 4.

My family always prays before dinner.

If you ever tasted my wife's cooking you'd know why.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me introducing my girlfriend to my family

Me: Everyone, this is my girlfriend Jane

Jane: Hello, pleased to meet you

Wife and kids: what the fuck???

Years ago I told my family and friends that I was going to become a successful comedian and they just laughed.

They're not laughing now!!

Walked in my home to find my family members all sitting around to give me an intervention about my so called gambling problems

Bet them each $100 I don’t have a problem. Easiest bet of my life.

I went to the doctor and said my family are all sick of me playing the guitar

He said, if you keep picking it they won't ever get well.

Alcoholics don't run in my family...

They stumble around breaking things

I took my family to the zoo today…

When we got there the only animal there was a dog…

It was a Shih Tzu

If I am ever in a coma on life support I want my family to unplug me...

And then plug me back in. See if that works.

My family told me I have a drug problem..

No, I don't have a problem with drugs? I love drugs!

I wasn't going to visit my family this Easter, but my mom promised to make me Eggs Benedict.

So I'm going home for the hollandaise.

The dinner I was cooking for my family was going to be a surprise

but the fire trucks ruined it.

I Introduced my 20 years younger gf to my family and everyone hated her...

Maybe my wifes birthdayparty was not the right time afterall

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So my family is considering matching tattoos.

My eldest sister recommends flowers.
My middle sister recommends fruits.
My youngest sister recommends Pokemon.

Me? I suggest we get dinosaurs so I can show my ass cheek and get a tattoo of a Mega-Sore-Ass.

I was in the car with my family, talking about self esteem...

My 6 six year old daughter says... "daddy, what happens when you look in the mirror and you're ugly?" I'm immediately concerned and ask her "sweety, did someone say something mean to you? you are beautiful". She quickly replies, "no daddy, I was talking about you."

My family has been specializing in ventilator sales for over 40 years.

I don't know why we've been getting so many creeps lately at our Only Fans store.

I invited my family for dinner

They specifically requested a small portion of bull meat each, but I bought a huge slice of cow meat, and I cooked it medium rare

Guess I made a big miss steak

After Hunt for Red October came out, my family moved from Moscow to San Francisco, where I became a fan of the 49ers with Steve Young as Quarterback

I would have liked to have seen Montana.

My family couldn't agree on whether to get grandpa buried or cremated...

...so in the end we just let him live.

i told my family i was going vegan

im quitting cold turkey

My family is so generous...

They installed hardwood in my dining room.
I was floored.

It's tradition in my family that we always have a Christmas jumper.

It's my job to talk them down.

I told my family a Coronavirus joke...

...my grandparents were the only ones who got it.

I think my family is finally catching on to me telling jokes in sign language...

They've been standing further away, so I can't hit them with the punch line anymore.

Disappointed by my family tree

Turns out it is a cactus, there's a prick on every branch.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me and my family recently went to a zoo

It had bad ratings on websites. When we went there it was completely empty except one small dog

It was a shit zoo

They said I would miss my family...

I never miss at close range.

My family is getting worried about my consumption of deli meats, and I'm not sure what to do...

They're trying to pressure me into quitting cold turkey!

My hairs been getting long lately, my family keeps telling me to cut it, but I dont know...

Its kinda been growing on me

My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...

I know where to draw the line...

My family was being held captive by a salad

It wouldn’t lettuce leaf

Last night the internet stopped working so I spent a few hours with my family.

They seem like nice people.

My family owns a tea shop

Customer: You should sell milk tea.
Me: We tried but it didn't work out.
Customer: What happened?
Me: My Dad never came back with the milk.

I told my family I would cut my hair at the end of the pandemic, but I'm having second thoughts...

It's growing on me.

I’ve been doing some research into my family tree, and it turns out my Great Grandfather was a terrible dictator.

Apparently none of his secretaries understood a word he said.

Just looked into my family tree and found out both great great grand parents are related...

It's not every day you get to learn about your incestors

I told my family we're eating vegan tonight

I don't know why they seemed so appalled. They're acting like this is the first night we're eating steak.

My three favorite things are eating my family

and omitting commas.

My family was arguing about what color lights to string on the Christmas Tree, but I think we should really use UV lights this year.

Because black lights matter

This lock-down has brought my family together.

I have just found out, my mother in law died last January.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does The Internet and my family have in common

They can’t take a fucking joke

Last night, I dreamt of going to Germany with my family. When we arrived, the airport guards pinned us down and started beating us with sausages.

It was truly my wurst nightmare.

I'm proud to be a Asian descent, with my family name Chao. When we have family gatherings…

It's completely Chaos!

My family has a competition on christmas every year on who can make my Granny cry the most with our gifts

This year: Pepper spray

There was a power cut at my house so I started talking to my family....

.... Turned out to be nice people.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate when people say, "obesity runs in my family"

Bullshit! No one runs in your family!

My Family asked me to stop telling Thanksgiving jokes.

I told them I couldn't stop cold turkey!

I just told my family about my secret life as a pastor...

They know about my altar ego.

My family and I were at a friend's house for a barbecue when it started to rain.

Our son commented, "The rain is wet."
My friend laughed and said, "Wow, talk about stating the obvious!"
"He's always doing that," my wife said. "I don't know who he gets it from..." she laughed, pointing in my direction.
After a few seconds, I turned to my friend and said, "He gets i...

A crazy man put a gun to my head and told me if I don't break the world record for the tallest filet mignon tower he would kill me and my family.

The steaks have never been higher.

My family is worried about how we'll survive Trump's 2nd term...

...I reassured them that the 2nd term will be manageable, I'm worried about how we'll survive the 3rd.

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