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My dad said people shouldn't get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing.

So I took down his confederate flag.

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said..

"You know one would have been enough"

My dad wronged me...

I brought home a test score of 90 and showed it to my dad. I thought he would praise me for it, but my dad took one look at the test script and said I added the "0" there. I got a big scolding and was grounded for the week. I really didn't add the "0".

I added the "9".

My dad was an alcoholic who wanted to be a lawyer.

But he could never pass the bar.

One time as a kid, I took my Dad’s voltmeter without his permission…

I got grounded

A joke my dad told me today

Two old fishermen are fishing under a bridge. A funeral procession passes over the bridge. One of the old fishermen stands up, takes his hat off and bows his head.

The second old fisherman says “Wow, that was really respectful of you to do.”

The first old fisherman says “Thanks, it’s t...

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When I was a boy, my dad gave me money to go downtown and pay the electric bill

But instead, I bought raffle tickets for a chance to win a new truck.

I told my dad when I got home and he beat my ass.

The next morning, however, there was a brand new truck in the driveway.

We all held each other and cried, especially me because it was the truck from the el...

So today my dad accidentally sprayed deodorant in his mouth

so now every time he speaks, he has this weird axe scent

My dad works for a company that focuses on the health of the lower 3/4 of the body, and yesterday he just became the CEO.

Now he's the Head of Shoulders, Knees, and Toes!

My dad had six nuts

Me, my two brothers, and three sisters

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Bless my dad, he would've been celebrating his 70th birthday today.

If he wasn't such a depressing bastard.

My dad said he'll kick me out for stealing from his kitchen

Well that's a whisk I'm willing to take.

My dad was arrested for persistently stealing the equipment of beach lifeguards...

I blame myself that I didn't see it sooner; after all, the last time I'd gone to see him there were plenty of red flags...

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This is a traditional Scottish joke. I heard it from my dad, he heard it from his dad, and he had it shouted at him by a guy called Johnny Glue-bag

There was once a Russian wrestler with the stage name Ivan the Terrible. His name was well earned for every man who stepped into the ring with him would be killed. He had two infamous moves: the half pretzel which would cripple you for life and the full pretzel which would break your neck and kill y...

I wasn’t close to my dad when he died.

Which was good, because he was killed by a land mine.

Wanna know where I keep all my dad jokes?

In a dad-a-base

My dad won a baguette in the raffle

He was our family's breadwinner

My dad told me he started listening to BTS.

I replied, "'K, Pop."

I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?

He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"

Walking with my dad he suddenly collapsed gasping for air.

Dad: Son.... call.... me.... an... ambulance..

Me: Ok, an ambulance.. Im son

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My dad says we shouldn't reward people with trophies for participation, because it's like a reward for losing.

So I took his Vietnam Veteran hat

My dad asked me the other day: "Are you even listening to me?"

Which is a really weird way to start a conversation if you ask me.

i passed my dad on the stairs and said "hi"

he looked me dead in the eyes and said "no, but i'd like to be"

So my dad told me this one when i was a kid.

A preist is walking out of church during a cloudy day, when he sees a little boy trying to squish ants on the sidewalk with his fingers, whenever he'd miss, he'd say "ah, missed!".

So the preist tells him to stop because everything, including ants, are creations of god and that he shouldn't h...

My dad said he was going to set me up for life. Of course, I was excited by the idea.

Until he blamed me for the murder he committed.

So my dad died last year

We were in a car accident and my dad lost loads of blood. EMT came onto the scene but nobody could remember what his blood type is in time for them to give him a transfusion.

Even as he died, Dad kept telling us to "Be positive" but it's hard without you here Dad. Hope you're in a better plac...

Here’s one my dad told me: What do you call two lawyers buried to their neck in cement?

Not enough cement.

My dad is an online comedian who specialises in dad jokes about ice cream.

He calls himself the "LOL ePop".

A childhood classic my dad used to tell me:

Q. Why was a frog flying?
A. Because he ate a helium baloon.

Q. Then why was a snake flying?
A. Because it ate the flying frog.

Q. Then why was the eagle flying?
A. Because it has wings

Joke my dad sometimes tells u(normal in Spanish)

There was once a dog named Joke.

It was ran over and the Joke was over

Recently my dad's been suffering from seizures.

First it was the car, then the house, then the boat.

My dad always believed in learning things by doing them

so when I was a kid, he threw me in the lake








just so he could teach himself CPR

What’s the difference between my dad and football?

Football’s coming home.

My Dad was a professional magician who performed all the classic illusions. He used to practice the well-known, "Sawing a person in two" trick using us kids.

He always loved to halve his family in the act.

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I don’t know what’s worse: Finding bucket loads of porn on my dad’s laptop,

Or Finding Out He Was In All Of Them

I always remember my dads last words

"HIT THE BRAKES SON!!!!"

One of my dad's favorites

When they started, the painters decided to paint the body of the church before painting the steeple. With the church completed and the steeple well along, paint was getting low and a thunderstorm loomed. To finish properly, they would need to climb down to the ground to get more paint. Alterna...

I recently told my Dad I was going back to school to major in the study of plants...

...He said, "Botony?"

I said, "Not yet, but when I get my degree I will be able to afford a bunch."

I asked my dad if he could buy unlimited texting for my phone.

He told me "No, it's too expensive."

So I replied "It's not about money, it's about sending a message."

I asked my dad to simply explain what an acorn is.

He said, "It's an oak tree, in a nutshell."

My dad said the guy at work got the Johnson and Johnson vaccine and felt terrible the next day...

I said “what did you expect from taking two Johnson’s at once”

My dad told me once, son, stay out of strip clubs or you might see something you shouldn't. So of course, I went, and he was right.

I saw my dad

I asked my Dad what being an adult was like.

He told me, "A dull ting."

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For my first cake day I want to share a joke my dad told me when I was probably too young to really understand it. How does an elephant hide in the jungle?

Climbs to the top of a cherry tree and paints his balls red.

What’s the loudest sound in the jungle?

Giraffes eating cherries!

(Apologies if you’ve heard it before fellow Redditors! Maybe by next cake day I’ll get better material)

I told my dad that I have an imaginary girlfriend.

Dad: "You could do much better."

Me: "Thanks dad"

Dad: "I was talking to your girlfriend."

My dad worked for years as an actuary.

Back in the 1970s he travelled a lot for his work. This was during the time when hijackings, bombings and stuff like that weren’t too uncommon.

Being a statistician, he sat down one day and calculated the odds that a bomb would be on a plane that he was on. Turns out, he didn’t like the odd...

My dad always says not to crank the car radio too high or I'll go deaf. Imagine if that happened.

I would never hear the end of it.

I'll never forget what my dad said to me right before he died.

"ARE YOU STILL HOLDING THE LADDER?"

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*Walks in on my dad inserting a bullet up his ass*

My dad: ''Don't worry, I'm just fucking around''

My dad just decided to invest in a sausage company.

It was the wurst decision of his life

A Joke My Dad Made Up When I Was Around 9 Years Old...

Knock, Knock


Who's There?


Afro


Afro Who?


Afro You Over The Fence

A joke my dad just sent me about vaccinations

Hi, it happened yesterday! And this is serious!

A friend had his 2nd injection of the vaccine at the vaccination center and began to have blurred vision the whole way home.

When he got home, he called the vaccination center for advice and to ask if he should go see a doctor, or be hos...

When my dad died it was left to me to manage his affairs

How he kept all those women a secret from my mum I'll never know

My dad has this weird hobby, where he collects modern bottles

That sounds way better than alcoholic

A JOKE MY DAD CAME UP WITH

Since the united states has a nationwide coin shortage, does that mean we lack common cents?

I looked out of my window this morning and saw my dad slumped over the lawnmower crying, I said to my mum "what's wrong with dad?"

"He's going through a rough patch" she said...

My dad had this strange obsession with collecting bottles!

Would be one way to say he’s an alcoholic.

One of my favorite jokes that my dad told me.

A man is sitting in his house watching TV when there is a flood warning. A few minutes later his house is flooding so he goes up to the 2nd floor.

He is hanging out his window when a boat with first responders show up and they yell “Sir, we need to get you out of here! Get on the boat!”
...

My dad got in a HUGE fight with my mom. He accused her of smearing glue on his firearms. She denied it.

But he’s sticking to his guns.

My dad encouraged me to take a job on a highway construction crew...

...but I decided not to go down that road.

My dad returned from my grandmas house as a ghost

Dad: Christianity is real, and i'm the new god!

Me: wait, why are you dead?

Dad: some redneck blasted me with his shotgun on my way home!

Me: and how are you the new god?

Dad: i'm a father, son, and a holey spirit

Alexa, where's my dad?

Alexa-Your dad is in a strip club in Las Vegas.
Young Boy-Ha, got ya Alexa ! My Dad is sitting here right next to me.
Alexa-Your mothers husband is sitting here right next to you. Your Dad is in a strip club in Las Vegas.

my dad tells a dad joke

so i tell my dad "im cold" and he responds with "go stand in the corner its 90 degrees

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This is a joke my dad told me a long time ago. I hope I don't offend anyone.

A young man was inspired to help out with his church's fundraiser. He asked the preacher if he could participate. The preacher, knowing the young man had a bad stutter, only gave him 3 bibles to sell.

The following day the young man returned asking for more. The preacher gave him 5. The follo...

My dad handed down to me a hereditary disease that causes diarrhea all the time.

It runs in the jeans.

When I was growing up I loved watching my dad at work whenever I got the chance to go with him.

He used to work in New York City and him and the people he worked for was this big electrical company. There were all electricians. Some of the funniest people I've ever met on the planet.

The one thing about all their jokes though is that they're a little too vulgar for not exactly the most...

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My Dad is Glaswegian, I brought my first girlfriend home one day and introduced her, "This is Amanda".

"It's a fucking what!?"

My dad is see through and used to be a woman.

He’s a transparent trans-parent.

My dad said that I'm my own worst enemy.

I've been thinking about it for ages.

Why can't I be my own *best* enemy? I must be terrible at that too.

My dad is a magician.

He can turn a Bud Light into domestic violence.

My dad and I were having donuts for lunch...

He said, "Enjoy the **HOLE** donut!"

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My dad was driving a tourist bus filled with Japanese tourists in the 1990s.

A robber came in and stole my dads cash register at one stop. Luckily the police got 500+ photos of the robber as an evidence.

When I was a kid, I wanted to be an astronaut. But my dad crushed those dreams years ago...

He'd always say "For you, son, the sky's the limit."

I remember the first time I confessed to my dad that I have depression

I told my dad "Dad...I'm suicidal"

And he says "Hi, Suicidal, I'm Dad!"

My dad is a lot like avatar Aang.

In the sense that he dissapeared on me when I needed him most.

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My dad yelled this to me from the bathroom the other day: “Why does your poop taper?”

“So your asshole doesn’t slam shut.”

My Dad used to work with a man named Mr. Pigg. He had two beautiful daughters, which he named...

Imma and Urra.

Today I came out to my parents, and my dad instantly wanted to disown me.

Luckily, his boyfriend talked him out of it

My parents laughed when I out-joked my dad.

My mother called my father a joke, and my dad said, "Not as much of a joke as our kid."

They both started laughing.

My dad's sister is a geriatric nurse.

With Covid her life has been crazy busy over the past year. She has seen far too many patients die. Now that we have the vaccine she's very excited and gets borderline preachy on why we should all get vaccinated. She talks about it non-stop. It's annoying!

It's like she's become Auntie Vaxx!

My parents are divorced, and my dad took it kinda hard

I once asked him for an xbox, and he handed me a container of my mom's stuff.

Sometimes I like to think back to when my dad used to put me in tires and roll me down the hill

...those were the Goodyears.

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This is a joke my dad always used to tell. Hope no one has heard it before

The Red Baron, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend for picnic by the river Seine. It's a beautiful day, and love is in the air. The girlfriend leans over to The Red Baron and says, "Baron kiss me!" The Red Baron grabs a bottle of Merlot wine and splashes it on his girlfriends Lips. "What ar...

What does my dad and a large crowd have in common?

Never seen them since 2019

When I told my parents my wife had come down with the flu, my Dad said,

"Well have you tried euthanasia?"
In the background I could hear my Mom yell, "For the last time Henry, it's pronounced 'Echinacea'! Echinacea'!!!!

My Mom was a Radiologist. They met when my Dad came in to get an Xray.

I wonder what she saw in him.

So my wife is fed up with my dad jokes and asked me to stop telling them.

Me: how do you want me to stop?
Wife: whatever means necessary.
Me: ...? No it doesn't.

My dad told me this joke, I'm very sorry

What did the Chimney say to his son?





You are too young to smoke

My dad still hasn’t come back yet

I’m starting to think it wasn’t an April fools joke

My dad told me never to go to a cheap, sleazy, dirty, raunchy strip club, because you'll see something you really shouldn't.

So I went.

And I saw my dad.

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An old one my dad used to tell...

An out of work actor gets a call from his agent one day, and the agents like "good news! I got you a part in a play! It's only one line, but it's the opener and could be your big shot! Okay so the line is..

'Hark, I hear the cannons roar'..
Got that? 'Hark, I hear the cannons roar"

...

When I was younger, my dad went to prison because he set his boss’s house on fire. I always wondered if I’d wind up in jail like my old man, so I visited him one weekend and I asked him, “Dad, are we all pyromaniacs in this family?” And he said...

“Yes we are, son.”

I’m from Alabama and I don’t appreciate all the jokes Reddit makes about my home state. I told my dad, my uncle, and my grandpa about it.

When he found out he was madder than hell.

My Dad is from the old school,

......where you keep your money under the mattress–only he kept his in the underwear drawer. One day I bought my dad an unusual personal safe–a can of spray paint with a false bottom–so he could keep his money in the workshop. Later I asked Mom if he was using it.
“Oh, yes,” she replied, “he put...

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My dad went to his girlfriends house for the first time when he was in college...

It was thanksgiving dinner, and he had been invited over since they had been dating for well over two years. In the middle of the meal, he felt a fart brewing. Hoping it wouldn’t be a sphincter-symphony, he lifted a cheek and slowly let it out. To his dismay, it was audible (though more of a piccolo...

When I was a little boy my dad lost his job..

.. because they invented a little gadget that could do his job, only better and faster.

As soon as my mum heard of this she ran out and bought one.

My dad said while reversing the car:

"Ah, this takes me back"

My dad asked how is the letter a like a flower

because a “b” comes after it

My dad played basketball for Penn State!

My bad, I meant state pen.

My dad and I(f) both ordered the same thing at the same time online. He got his before me.

Mail privilege...

My dad said I was a mistake

I hope thats a joke

I've compiled my Dad Joke Insults and archived them.

I call it the "Dad Abase."

I asked my dad what his parents' generation did to cure boredom before internet and TV existed

Neither him nor his 28 siblings had an answer.

My dad is absolutely sick and tired of his job at the dry cleaners. I went to his shop the other day and he asked my advice on the situation.

I told him “Dad, I think I it’s time to throw in the towels“

My dad gave up his job of being a late night radio DJ.

He took up a new job as a railway construction worker. Talk about a career change, but I guess he just couldn’t give up his love for laying tracks.

My dad has taken Dad Jokes as far as they can possibly go.

Seriously, you couldn't take them any father.

This is a joke my dad told me a few days ago...

A mother calls her son because she is having problems with her car. He comes over and asks what the problem is.

M: I don't know why, but everytime I go to get groceries, by the time I get to the store there is this horrible smell in the car.

S: Well let's drive to the store and let's s...

My dad said he ate a clock...

So I asked him how it was.

To which he replied...

"It was time consuming."

My dad showed me a thirty minute PowerPoint on why one should always wear a condom

It was just pictures of me

I said to my friend: "I wish I was a billionaire, just like my dad..."

My friend said "Whoa, your dad was a billionaire?"


I said "no, he also wished he was..."

I told my Dad that crazy people have taken over the White House

He said, "So nothing new then"

I asked my dad, “Why did you give me the name Achilles?”

He said, “Because you broke through the Trojan wall.”

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My Dad

My dad loves to say a toast. He gave one yesterday to commemorate the final days of 2020

”We drink to those who love us

We drink to those who don’t.

We drink to those who fuck us

And say fuck you to those who don’t!”

The local Rotary Club didn't know who the Hell...

My dad refused to tell me what his favorite snack was

When ever I asked he said it was pop secret

I told my dad I couldn't believe I'd failed my biology exam.

He said , I'm your mum.

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A Birthday Gift For My Dad

This conversation has to have come up before with these devices. I generally don't have much wit, but my Dad pitched me such a lob, I couldn't resist to nail him with the "obvious."

I called my Dad to ask him if he might like a set of Tile Stickers. These are cool little devices you can stick...

My dad is a master at procrastination

He never even finished that...

My dad's probably proud of me

Now if only he comes home with the milk

Here’s a joke my dad told me: What do you get when you cross mommy and daddy?

A mistake



- I don’t know what it means but Mom laughed really hard so it must be funny. Dad uses that joke a lot.

When I was a boy my dad would hit me with a camera.

I still have flashbacks.

I invested my dad's money in stocks and made him a millionaire.

He used to be a billionaire.

My Dad had to quit his job as a Doctor after the first day.

He told me he lost his patients.

One of my dads faves

Burglars have broken into Scotland Yard and stolen all the toilets

Police say they have nothing to go on

So my dad stabbed a pizza box

Now i undrrstand why its called little caesar's

Why is Frosty the Snowman like my dad?

He said he'll be back one day

My dad chopped Onions, and I cried...

Onions was such a good dog ;-;

(It’s meh cake day, please don’t booli me)

My dad always told me “don’t be quick to find faults”.

Good man, terrible geologist.

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(One of my dad's favourite jokes) - A mute man meets one of his mute friends

'Hello' his friend says.

The mute man is shocked, and points to indicate his friend's sudden use of speech.

'Oh yes,' the friend replies, 'I've found a fantastic doctor that helped me speak. Here, have his contact details and give him a visit'

The mute man excitedly goes to se...

Sad news to share: my dad just contracted COVID, and lost his sense of taste.

He's been listening to a lot of Justin Bieber.

We were so poor when I was growing up, that my mother made us clothes out of the offcuts my dad would bring from home from work at the sandpaper factory.

It was rough.

My dad told me this joke in Serbian years ago. Hope it translates well.

A man is terminally ill and has 3 months left to live. Seeing as he was a holy man for all his life, God gave him a visit and granted him 3 wishes. The man ponders for a few minutes then asks for his first wish.

“God, I’d love to have a nice steak dinner and some brandy to wash it down with.”...

With my Dad's military service, how did it take me 42 years to realize

I can call him the SEAL of Disapproval.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'll never forget the one time i saw my dad's penis.

I said "dad, dont text me shit like that"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dad says we shouldn’t reward people with ribbons after participating. It is like they are being rewarded for losing.

So i took down his confederate flag.

Edit: this blew up!! Thank you for the gold n silver kind strangers!

Edit : grammar

My dad is mean

Which is why I always get shouted at for being below average

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Dad always used to tell me that too much masturbation makes you go blind.

If only he could see me now.

I will never know my Dad's blood type

Last thing he told be was "Be Positive"

I broke two of my dads Queen records...

Now I want to break three.

Did you know my dad can do magic?

One day we were walking down the street and he turned into a barbershop

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old joke my dad told me

A man and a woman, along with their six children, live together on a farm, raising chickens and other animals. Once a week, they slaughter one of the older chickens, and roast it for dinner. However, the family always fight over who gets to have a leg off the chicken, with only two of the eight fami...

I haven’t seen my dad since he came out as a woman

He is transparent

My dad always said, "Work until your bank account looks like a phone number" so I did.

Account balance: $9.11

With all that's going on, I told my dad that finishing my degree in astrophysics may not be the kind of science the world needs right now.

He looked away from the TV long enough to say, "Black holes matter."

Sigh... "Yeah, Dad. They are."

My dad only eats Eggs Benedict at Christmas, and only when we visit Grandma and Grandpa.

He says there's no place like home for the hollandaise.

When driving my dad is like an airbag.

If I make a mistake he's all up in my face.

I was 13 when my dad caught me blowing Bubbles...

I have not seen my dog ever since..

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