Two scientists are looking at quarks through a microscope

Scientist 1: You see this up quark?

Scientist 2: What up quark?

Scientist 1: Nothing much, how about you?

I was trying to come up with a joke about my microscope.

Then I realized I had a bad objective.

Why did the germs cross the microscope?

To get to the other slide.

A scientist called the customer support of his microscope company, complaining that the light bulb was broke.

Customer support responded that they will look into it.

I would love to be a microscope salesman..

"I'm sorry, sir, but I'm not looking to buy a microscope"
"OK then, here's my business card"
"The writing is way too small! I can't read it!"
"Well, do I have a product for you!"

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Doctor: *looking through microscope* I've never seen anything like it before

Other doctors: *under their breath* its truly incredible

Me: so viagra won't help?

I tried looking at a penny under a microscope.

*...magnificent.*

A scientist puts a penny under a microscope.

"Truly magnificent!", he says.

I highly respect microscopes

they teach us to enjoy the little things in life.

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It’s been a really long time since I had sex

I put a semen sample under a microscope and my little guys looked like frogs.

If you look at Chuck Norris' DNA under a microscope...

...you'll get a black eye.

A customs officer at the Mexican border noticed a man coming across one day on a bicycle with two small sacks tied to the handlebars...

Naturally, he got suspicious and asked him to open the sacks, but when he did he found nothing but sand.

Each time he'd stop the bicycle and open the sacks, and he'd find only sand. He had the sand analyzed at the lab and looked at the sack under a microscope he could never find anything wron...

A salesman approaches you

Thanks, but I'm not interested in microscopes right now.

Salesman: That's okay, take my business card anyway.

This text is tiny, I can't read it.

Salesman: Boy, do I have the product for you

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After a tumultuous couple of weeks in the spotlight and under the microscope, president Trump flies to New York to spend a night with his wife. As he is about to walk into the penthouse, he gets a call from Priebus.

"Mr President", he says, "what should we do about the abortion bill"

Trump, annoyed especially about the timing barks back "who gives a shit? Just fucking pay it!"

Physics vs Philosophy

The physics department of a college seeks funds to buy a cyclotron.
"This is millions and millions of dollars!" says the Dean.
"That's our microscope," says the physicist. "We can't do our research without it."
"Why can't the physics department be more like the mathematics department?...

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What toothpaste do ants use?

MicroScope

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New weights and measures

1. The ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with Go...

What do you call a mouthwash for tiny scientists?

Microscope

Creation vs. Evolution

After a sermon on creation, a curious young boy asked, "Dad? How did we get here?"
"Remember God created EVERYTHING in six days. On the sixth day, he scooped up some dust and made Adam. He took one of Adam's ribs and made Eve. They had kids and their kids had kids and so on, so that's how we'...

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A verse of unit puns

The Units Verse
by Kevin Ahern

Two thousand pounds of Chinese soup
Will make a restaurant run

In Beijing, China order it
In units of Won ton


Religious leaders measure clout
From Nome to Amsterdam

By how much clout they have with God
The units - billi-gr...

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