I tried looking at a penny under a microscope.


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It’s been a really long time since I had sex

I put a semen sample under a microscope and my little guys looked like frogs.

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Doctor: *looking through microscope* I've never seen anything like it before

Other doctors: *under their breath* its truly incredible

Me: so viagra won't help?

A scientist called the customer support of his microscope company, complaining that the light bulb was broke.

Customer support responded that they will look into it.

A scientist puts a penny under a microscope.

"Truly magnificent!", he says.

Why did the germs cross the microscope?

To get to the other slide.

I would love to be a microscope salesman..

"I'm sorry, sir, but I'm not looking to buy a microscope"
"OK then, here's my business card"
"The writing is way too small! I can't read it!"
"Well, do I have a product for you!"

A customs officer at the Mexican border noticed a man coming across one day on a bicycle with two small sacks tied to the handlebars...

Naturally, he got suspicious and asked him to open the sacks, but when he did he found nothing but sand.

Each time he'd stop the bicycle and open the sacks, and he'd find only sand. He had the sand analyzed at the lab and looked at the sack under a microscope he could never find anything wron...

I highly respect microscopes

they teach us to enjoy the little things in life.

Physics vs Philosophy

The physics department of a college seeks funds to buy a cyclotron.
"This is millions and millions of dollars!" says the Dean.
"That's our microscope," says the physicist. "We can't do our research without it."
"Why can't the physics department be more like the mathematics department?...

A salesman approaches you

Thanks, but I'm not interested in microscopes right now.

Salesman: That's okay, take my business card anyway.

This text is tiny, I can't read it.

Salesman: Boy, do I have the product for you

If you look at Chuck Norris' DNA under a microscope...

...you'll get a black eye.

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After a tumultuous couple of weeks in the spotlight and under the microscope, president Trump flies to New York to spend a night with his wife. As he is about to walk into the penthouse, he gets a call from Priebus.

"Mr President", he says, "what should we do about the abortion bill"

Trump, annoyed especially about the timing barks back "who gives a shit? Just fucking pay it!"

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What toothpaste do ants use?


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New weights and measures

1. The ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with Go...

What do you call a mouthwash for tiny scientists?


Creation vs. Evolution

After a sermon on creation, a curious young boy asked, "Dad? How did we get here?"
"Remember God created EVERYTHING in six days. On the sixth day, he scooped up some dust and made Adam. He took one of Adam's ribs and made Eve. They had kids and their kids had kids and so on, so that's how we'...

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