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Microscope Jokes

Why did the germs cross the microscope?

To get to the other slide.

I would love to be a microscope salesman..

"I'm sorry, sir, but I'm not looking to buy a microscope"
"OK then, here's my business card"
"The writing is way too small! I can't read it!"
"Well, do I have a product for you!"

I've never owned a microscope

But it's something that I've been thinking of looking into.

I highly respect microscopes

they teach us to enjoy the little things in life.

How does a penny look under a microscope?

Magnificent.

I was trying to come up with a joke about my microscope.

Then I realized I had a bad objective.

A scientist puts a penny under a microscope.

"Truly magnificent!", he says.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doctor: *looking through microscope* I've never seen anything like it before

Other doctors: *under their breath* its truly incredible

Me: so viagra won't help?

Two scientists are looking at quarks through a microscope

Scientist 1: You see this up quark?

Scientist 2: What up quark?

Scientist 1: Nothing much, how about you?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It’s been a really long time since I had sex

I put a semen sample under a microscope and my little guys looked like frogs.

A scientist called the customer support of his microscope company, complaining that the light bulb was broke.

Customer support responded that they will look into it.

If you look at Chuck Norris' DNA under a microscope...

...you'll get a black eye.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A scientist opens a new brothel called Meiosis

And a young man is excited to check it out. Once he gets inside, all he sees is a microscope with a giant megaphone attached to it, and an old man in a white lab coat standing there. The young man is confused, but looks through the microscope and sees a cell that divides into four, and amazingly hea...

A salesman approaches you

Thanks, but I'm not interested in microscopes right now.

Salesman: That's okay, take my business card anyway.

This text is tiny, I can't read it.

Salesman: Boy, do I have the product for you

A customs officer at the Mexican border noticed a man coming across one day on a bicycle with two small sacks tied to the handlebars...

Naturally, he got suspicious and asked him to open the sacks, but when he did he found nothing but sand.

Each time he'd stop the bicycle and open the sacks, and he'd find only sand. He had the sand analyzed at the lab and looked at the sack under a microscope he could never find anything wron...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What toothpaste do ants use?

MicroScope

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After a tumultuous couple of weeks in the spotlight and under the microscope, president Trump flies to New York to spend a night with his wife. As he is about to walk into the penthouse, he gets a call from Priebus.

"Mr President", he says, "what should we do about the abortion bill"

Trump, annoyed especially about the timing barks back "who gives a shit? Just fucking pay it!"

Physics vs Philosophy

The physics department of a college seeks funds to buy a cyclotron.
"This is millions and millions of dollars!" says the Dean.
"That's our microscope," says the physicist. "We can't do our research without it."
"Why can't the physics department be more like the mathematics department?...

What do you call a mouthwash for tiny scientists?

Microscope

Some Crazy Inventions That Never Got Patented

1. Underwater Hair dryer.
2. A parachute that opens on impact.
3. Non-stick glue.
4. A telescope that makes objects look further than they really are.
5. A microscope that makes objects look smaller than they really are.
6. A solar powered flash-light that only works during the day.<...

Creation vs. Evolution

After a sermon on creation, a curious young boy asked, "Dad? How did we get here?"
"Remember God created EVERYTHING in six days. On the sixth day, he scooped up some dust and made Adam. He took one of Adam's ribs and made Eve. They had kids and their kids had kids and so on, so that's how we'...

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New weights and measures

1. The ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with Go...

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