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Know How Jokes

Do you know how to avoid clickbait?

Obviously not

Do you know how to avoid clickbait?

Apparently not.


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My friend wanted t know how I got all my karma

I replied "piece of cake"

“Do you know how much it is to rent a church singing group?”

“Sir, do you mean a choir?”

“Fine, yes, do you know how much it is to acquire a church singing group?”

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As a cop, I don't know how to deal with black people...

But I guess I'll take a shot at it.

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Wanna know how I quit smoking?

I decided to smoke only after sex.

Do you know how to make $20B in the Tech business?

Start with $44B

My daughters boyfriend still doesn't know how to tie his shoes...

Every time I walk in her room that's all she's doing.

Told my son to stop playing Russian roulette, but you know how it is with kids...

In one ear, out the other.

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Do you know how fast you were going?

Heisenberg, Schrodinger, and Ohm are in a car and they get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies.

The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands ...

How do you know how heavy a chili pepper is?

Give it a weigh , give a weigh, give it a weigh now.

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A guy says to his wife: "Thanks to that new scale you bought, I always know how much I poop!"

Wife: "So you step on the scale before you poop, go to the toilet, step on the scale again and the difference is the weight of your poop?”

He: “Oh, yeah, I guess you could also do it that way...”

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A son ask his dad "Dad, how can I take the next step with my girl? We kissed and all, but I don't know how to proceed... "

His dad answers "Listen to me son, do what I did with your mother. I treated her to a romantic dinner, took her home and brought her to her room. We're there, I look at her, and she looks at me. I look at her she looks at me, I look at her she looks at me, I move her panties away and put it in! " ...

You know how sometimes...

You know how sometimes even when you're not hungry you'll get tempted to eat something just because it's in front of you? 

Well, that's how I lost my job as a gynecologist.

If you want to know how many bees Noah had...

Check the ark hives.

What do you call an Engineer who doesn’t know how to use a calculator?

A project manager.

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Do you know how to have sex?

Man walks up to a farmers house, knocks on the door. When a woman opened the door, the man ask if she knew how to have sex. Not amused, she slammed the door. Again, the man knocked, again, asked the same question. Again, not amused, she screamed get the hell away. Later, she told her husband of the ...

My buddy just came to me all depressed and said “My son flunked the third grade, and I just don't know how to break it to him.”

So I said “well…probably better tell him pretty slowly, so the little dumbass will get it."

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My girlfriend got a boob job, but I don't know how to break it to her that I find it makes her less attractive

Traditionally women tend to get both done

The teacher asked the class: "Does anyone know how ventriloquism works?"

"Me!" I said. "I do, I do!"

"Put your hand up before you speak."

I said, "Exactly."

You guys know how the toothbrush was invented in the south?

Because if it was invented in the north, it would've been called a teethbrush.

Do you know how to catch a bear?

Well, first you have to dig a deep hole in the woods and fill it half-full of ashes from the fireplace. Then place peas all around the outside of the hole. Finally, you hide in some nearby bushes and wait for a bear to come by.

When a bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole. ...

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My grandpa loves jokes and over quarantine he sent us an extensive list of jokes. He called these ones groaners. Please enjoy. ( NSFW warning I don’t know how to tag it)

I lived in a houseboat for a while and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually, we drifted apart.



My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.



A man tried to sell ...

You know how people were joking about 2021 sounding like “2020 won”?

Well, next year is 2020 too.

Only when that year is over will it finally be 2020 free.

Do you know how to identify a Dogwood tree?

The BARK!

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A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing... they keep saying 'Hi, we’re hot... do you want to *fuck us*?'"

"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots... to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible filt...

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You know how we know Jesus was Jewish?

He lived with his parents until his was 30.
He worked for his father.
His mother treated him like a god.
And he still thinks his mother was a virgin.

This joke killed when I was a kid. Let me know how it holds up.

One time 3 boys went to the mall, their names were Trouble, Shut Up and Be Quiet.

While at the mall Trouble got lost. The other boys went up to a police officer and told him their brother was lost.

The officer asked "what are your name?"

The boys responded "Shut Up and Be Quiet"...

My friend doesn't know how to milk a cow

he's udderly ignorant

Women really know how to hold a grudge over the smallest things. My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm, and by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue.

It's been a month now and she's still not speaking to me

Do you know how fuel efficient a pirate ship is?

It can get 40 miles to the galleon

Do you know how can I remove this stain from my dress?

- Come again?
- No, this time is red wine…

A woman wanted to know how her husband would react if she left him. She wrote him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. She put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.

When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a numb...

You know how we should rename makeawish?

Final fantasy

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I don't know how to tell my friend his cock-shaped clock is tacky.

But when the time comes, I'll be ready.

You know how they say Las Vegas is Sin City. Do you know what Den City is?

Mass / volume

Do you know how to confuse a coal miner?

Show him a row of shovels and tell him to take his pick.

You know how I escaped from Iraq?

Iran

I really don't know how I lost my legs

I'm completely stumped

Know how the iPhone 6+ was invented by men?

Only men would call something that measures 5.5 inches, "six plus"

So you know how things hurt less when you swear?

I call it Ibuprofanity

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"You know how I realized I had such a great butt?"

Because every time I would walk away after meeting a group of ladies I could hear them say, " what an ass"

How do lumberjacks know how many trees they have cut down?

They keep a log!

Help! I don't know how to tell my girlfriend that she's gotten fat

She now fits perfectly into my wife's clothes.

A woman didn't know how to speak Spanish but was married to a Spanish man and together, they resided in Spain.

Once she went to the market to buy some chicken legs. She lifted her skirt a little and pointed to her legs so that the shopkeeper is able to understand her.

Another time, she had to buy chicken breast so she pointed to her bosom so that the shopkeeper is able to understand her

Once s...

A Navy recruiter asks a man “Do you know how to swim?”

The man replies, “Why? Have you run out of ships?”

Do You Know How I Know I Have A Buddhist Vacuum Cleaner?

It doesn't have any attachments

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You know how sexuality is fluid?

Well mine is a non-Newtonian. When you hit me I get hard.

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I don't know how to tell you this

Doctor: I don't know how to tell you this but you really have to stop masturbating.

Patient: Really doctor, why?

Doctor: So I can examine you.

How does a lumberjack know how many trees he cuts down in one day?

He kept a log

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My eleven year old still doesn't know how to add, thanks to this shitty education system.

Seriously, who thought letting me homeschool him his whole life was a good idea?

A cop stops a motorist. "Sir, you were playing a trombone while driving. Do you know how dangerous that is?!"

"No, but if you hum a few bars, I'll fake it."

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Mother Teresa lived to 87. Do you know how much sex she had in all those years?

Nun.

Do you want to know how to become a millionaire?

Invest $1 billion and follow the advice of wallstreetbets

Do you know how you know when a guy goes to Harvard.

They tell you.

Do you know how you can tell Monopoly's an old game?

...it has a luxury tax and rich people can actually go to jail.

Do you know how annoying it is to drill small holes?

Only a little bit.

I know how the Force Awakens ends!

Credits.

Don't you know how to say orchard in polish?

It's sad

Does anyone know how to draw a very realistic bullet?

Because I'm drawing a blank.

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Honey…you’d think from watching all those cooking shows you’d know how to cook.

Husband…you’d think from watching all that porn you’d know how to…..

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People don't know how lucky they have it these days...

When I was younger and wanted to look at sexy pictures, I had to sneak the Sears catalogue into my bedroom to look at the underwear and swimsuit pages.

But nowadays... anyone can hop on any smart device and just go directly to sears dot com

Do you know how much a baby chicken costs?

Neither do I, but I know they cheap cheap cheap.

You know how in restaurants they often ask you if you prefer bottled water or tap water?

In Flint, the waiter asks you, "Regular or Unleaded?"

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It's not that I don't know how to juggle

I just don't have the balls to do it

Does anyone know how many beans are in 1 can of beans?

Two hundred thirty nine, because one more would be two farty

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do you know how much of a virgin i am?

even when I flip a coin it wouldn't give me head

You know how captains tend to go down with their ships?

I always thought that was a weird hull to die on.

Do you know how many people die from coconuts each year?

A bunch

You wanna know how lazy I am?

Ahh, never mind.

We Americans know how to embrace the metric system

I'm an American. When I was a kid, my Dad told me, "The metric system is gonna be big. Support it and use it - the whole nine yards - every inch of the way."

How do French people know how long to boil an egg?

They just know when they boiled enough.

I just don't know how to act my age.

I've never been this old before.

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So you know how bed bugs come from beds?

Have you thought about cockroaches

I know how batteries feel.

I'm not included in most things either.

Dogs don’t know how to use an mri machine.

But catscan.

Kids don't know how good they have it

When I hear all the people complaining about the Nanochip that is implanted with the Covid vaccine I think about when I was young and had to swallow a whole floppy disc for the Polio vaccine

Want to know how to scare burglars off?

First: Put pictures of a tiger all around your house.

Second: Put a cat litter tray in your hallway and take a dump in it.

Wanna know how Canada got its name?

They just picked letters from a hat.

“C,” eh.

“N,” eh.

“D,” eh.

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