Help! I don't know how to tell my girlfriend that she's gotten fat

She now fits perfectly into my wife's clothes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing... they keep saying 'Hi, we’re hot... do you want to *fuck us*?'"

"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots... to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible filt...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You know how people always say words they don’t understand like “the juxtaposition of the blah blah blah”

Well my friend of mine told me his dad was getting a colonoscopy. I asked him “what the fuck is a dad?”

Sure passive income is great, but do you know how much you can make with passive aggressive income?

You know what, never mind. Forget I even mentioned it…

If you want to know how much a rainbow weighs…

it’s pretty light.

Do you know how many wrinkles are on a pigs ass?

Smile and I’ll count them.

Q: Want to know how can you get rid of 16lb of ugly fat in less than 5 minutes?

A: Cut your head off

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So you know how bed bugs come from beds?

Have you thought about cockroaches

So you know how things hurt less when you swear?

I call it Ibuprofanity

You know how people were joking about 2021 sounding like “2020 won”?

Well, next year is 2020 too.

Only when that year is over will it finally be 2020 free.

You know how many corpses it takes to screw in a lightbulb?

Well, it's not eight, because the crawl space is still dark.

You know how I escaped from Iraq?

Iran

I don’t know how the Chinese fell for Mao and the communist party

I mean, there were a freakin ton of red flags.

What do you call an Engineer who doesn’t know how to use a calculator?

A project manager.

You wanna know how lazy I am?

Ahh, never mind.

Want to know how to scare burglars off?

First: Put pictures of a tiger all around your house.

Second: Put a cat litter tray in your hallway and take a dump in it.

I told my son to stop playing Russian roulette but you know how it is with kids...

In one ear, out the other

Do you know how to keep a Turkey in suspense?

...I'll tell you later.

Do you know how the residents of Jackson Hole know when will smith comes to visit?

Fresh prints.

A woman didn't know how to speak Spanish but was married to a Spanish man and together, they resided in Spain.

Once she went to the market to buy some chicken legs. She lifted her skirt a little and pointed to her legs so that the shopkeeper is able to understand her.

Another time, she had to buy chicken breast so she pointed to her bosom so that the shopkeeper is able to understand her

Once s...

Wanna know how to fund the Taliban?

Pay your taxes.

Does anyone know how to find someone to spend time with?

Asking for a friend.

Financial Advisor: "I don't quite know how to break this to you but you're basically broke." Wife: "He's always spending money on stupid stuff!"

Me: "Lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid."

Wanna know how Canada got its name?

They just picked letters from a hat.

“C,” eh.

“N,” eh.

“D,” eh.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know how fast you were going?

Heisenberg, Schrodinger, and Ohm are in a car and they get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies.

The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and...

My friend wanted t know how I got all my karma

I replied "piece of cake"

A woman wanted to know how her husband would react if she left him. She wrote him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. She put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.

When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a numb...

One day, a husband said to his wife, “I don’t know how you got to be so beautiful and so dumb at the same time.”

The wife responded, “Allow me to explain…”
“God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me. He made me dumb so I would be attracted to you.”

You know how they create fishing lures?

By casting them

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy says to his wife: "Thanks to that new scale you bought, I always know how much I poop!"

Wife: "So you step on the scale before you poop, go to the toilet, step on the scale again and the difference is the weight of your poop?”

He: “Oh, yeah, I guess you could also do it that way...”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandpa loves jokes and over quarantine he sent us an extensive list of jokes. He called these ones groaners. Please enjoy. ( NSFW warning I don’t know how to tag it)

I lived in a houseboat for a while and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually, we drifted apart.



My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.



A man tried to sell ...

Do you know how to avoid clickbait?

Clearly not.

I think many people just post on Reddit so they can let people know how much better they are than other people.

Thank God I am above that.

How do French people know how long to boil an egg?

They just know when they boiled enough.

Women really know how to hold a grudge.

My wife asked me to pass her a lip balm, And by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue.
It’s been a month now and she’s still not speaking to me!

Bill Nye's grandfather rented a tuxedo to attend a Rotary convention in Philadelphia. The tuxedo came with an untied bow tie and he didn't know how to tie it.

Just taking a chance he knocked on his hotel's next door and there was a guy there.

\- Excuse me, can you help me tie my tie?

\- Sure. Just lie down on the bed.

The grandfather wasn't sure what he was getting into, but he wanted to have the tie on.

So he lay down on the b...

Do you want to know how you can easily learn to play the guitar well?

Stay tuned.

I find it hard to understand that people still don’t know how to correctly use “their”, “there” and “they’re”

Their so stupid.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wanna know how I quit smoking?

I decided to smoke only after sex.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You know how when your ears are burning, it means someone is talking about you?

Well if your dick is burning, that means someone is having sexual thoughts about you *winks*

Wait, that's not true?

Shit, in that case I'd better go see the doctor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Got introduced to a doctor and I asked what field he was in. He said, “Urology”. I didn’t know how to respond…

So I said, “No shit?”

Want to know how to make a joke fall flat?

Spill something wrong in the punchline

Do you know how you can tell Monopoly's an old game?

...it has a luxury tax and rich people can actually go to jail.

Anyone know how to diagnose a guy with erectile disfunction? Anyone?

Come on guys, it's really not that hard

Do you know how much a chimney costs?

Me neither but I bet it's through the roof!


Just kidding, it's on the house.

I know how batteries feel.

I'm not included in most things either.

I know how to tell a joke in reverse

smile first and I tell you the rest

I just watched groundhog day for the first time but I don't know how I feel about it.

The story felt very repetitive

Cop: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?

Heisenberg: Where?
Cop: In that 35mph zone you just went through.
Heisenberg: It's impossible to tell.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You all know how you get Bill from William and Bob from Robert but how do you get Dick from Richard?

Ask him nicely

A man who was traveling for work had a formal dinner to attend but didn't know how to tie a bow tie for his tux.

After a half hour of unsuccessfully trying to tie the tie, he suddenly realized he was going to be late. He ran out of his hotel room and into the hall and asked the first person he saw walking towards him if they knew how to tie a bow tie. The man said he did so the business traveler invited him in...

You wanna know how I know that good hookers aren't worth the money?

Because I always overcharge clients.

A woman was sipping a glass of wine while relaxing with her husband... "I love you so much, she said, I don't know how I could live without you:

Her husband asked, "is that you or the wine talking"?
She replied "it's me, talking to the wine"

“Do you know how much it is to rent a church singing group?”

“Sir, do you mean a choir?”

“Fine, yes, do you know how much it is to acquire a church singing group?”

You know how we should rename makeawish?

Final fantasy

You know how people say if you damage one sense, the others get better?

Well if that's true I hope my friend hurts his hearing.

Because then he'll get a better taste in music.

Y'know how ants will sacrifice themselves to form a bridge?

I read that when ants approach an obstacle such as water/oil/etc they will sacrifice themselves and form a chain to create a bridge across said obstacle. The coolest part to me is that the males specifically line up to form the bridge and protect the females. Apparently this is because they are not ...

Wanna know how to learn englis? (probrobly made before, if so then i havent seen it)

Spill oil on the ground and then wait for the us army, they will teach you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was speeding along the road in a van, doing well over 100, until he was pulled over by a police car. "Sir, do you know how fast you were going? Let me see your license" The man responded "Officer, I don't have a license"

"What?? Where is the paperwork for this van?"
r>"I don't have any paperwork, this is a stolen van. I was making a drug run when you stopped me."

The officer immediately pulled the man out of the van, handcuffed him, and put him in the back of his police car before calling for backup....

We Americans know how to embrace the metric system

I'm an American. When I was a kid, my Dad told me, "The metric system is gonna be big. Support it and use it - the whole nine yards - every inch of the way."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know how a person who likes any type of porn is called?

Jack of all trades

Wanna know how I welcome birds to my home?

Microwave.

Do you know how to avoid clickbait?

Apparently not.


-

I still don't know how i feel about abortion

On the one hand, I am in favor, since this is the murder of children.
On the other hand, I am against it, because it gives women the right to choose.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

do you know how much of a virgin i am?

even when I flip a coin it wouldn't give me head

How do lumberjacks know how many trees they have cut down?

They keep a log!

Do you know how to make a net?

You just sew a bunch of holes together.

Know how to catch a polar bear?

Cut a big hole in the ice, and surround it with peas.

When the bear comes up to take a pea, kick him in the ice hole.

They started a poetry contest at my local prison But I don't know how I feel about that

There are prose and cons

Do you know how hard preparing a field for seeds is?

It's a harrowing experience.

Does anybody know how to charge their milk?

Mine is stuck at 1%

You know how they caught Cosby don't you?

The proof was in the pudding

You know how many hipsters it takes to screw in a lightbulb?

Oh, it’s some obscure number you’ve probably never heard of.

Do you know how Chris Brown’s girlfriend found out that he had been cheating on her?

She found another girl’s lipstick on his fist.

If any of you know how to fix broken hinges

My door is always open

Do you know how Holy water is made?

They boil the hell out of it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't know how to feel about elevator jokes

They really push my buttons...

Hey, you wanna know how I got to the east of Iraq?

Iran

Want to know how someone with foot fungus feels?

Just step into their shoes.

Who loves you more? You’re dog or your wife? Know how you can tell?

Lock your dog in the trunk for an hour and lock your wife in the trunk for an hour. Who is happy to see you?

I don't know how to properly explain what an 'Art Thief' is

but you get the picture

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You know how some people have arachnophobia?

Do you reckon some spiders have homophobia?

Ancient Egyptian architect: "Do you know how to build a pyramid?"

Ancient Egyptian builder: "Well, err yeah, up to a point."

My buddy just came to me all depressed and said “My son flunked the third grade, and I just don't know how to break it to him.”

So I said “well…probably better tell him pretty slowly, so the little dumbass will get it."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As a cop, I don't know how to deal with black people...

But I guess I'll take a shot at it.

If we really do live in a simulation, I think I know how they programmed global warming.

They most likely used an "Al-Gore-Ithm"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's not that I don't know how to juggle

I just don't have the balls to do it

I don't know how my girlfriend will react when she finds out that I sleep with almost everyone I meet.

Guess I'll have to stick around and find out.

I don't know how to tell my future child

That zoomers doesn't mean the generation that learned through zoom

Kids don't know how good they have it

When I hear all the people complaining about the Nanochip that is implanted with the Covid vaccine I think about when I was young and had to swallow a whole floppy disc for the Polio vaccine

Do you know how to catch a bear?

Well, first you have to dig a deep hole in the woods and fill it half-full of ashes from the fireplace. Then place peas all around the outside of the hole. Finally, you hide in some nearby bushes and wait for a bear to come by.

When a bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole. ...

I don't know how to act my age...

I've never been this old before.

It has been a year since Notre Dame burned down and they still do not know how it started,

but Quasimodo has a hunch...

You know how Santa Claus is different in each culture?

In pirate culture he’s called shanty claus

Fae are notoriously skittish. Do you know how you sneak up on them?

Fairy carefully

I created a fetish exercise program, but I don’t know how to end it.

We are still working out the kinks.

Do you know how to make a good vegetarian chili?

Stick her in the freezer.

Kids today will never know how awesome Pogs were. Or how to drive a stick shift. Or how to speak.

Really, most things escape baby goats.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As an Asian man, I have always wanted to know how it felt to be black. Today I finally accomplished that goal.

I sneezed and watched every one walk to the other side of the street.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man is buying condoms at a confidence store but doesn’t know how to put them in right.

He goes to the person behind the desk to ask for help when he notices that she is a beautiful blond young woman.
He asks her how to put them on so she takes them out of the box and puts one over her thumb.
“Do you get it?” she asks him, but he doesn’t understand.
So she takes him into a b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You know how I know you’re gay?

Your dick tastes like shit.

You know how you feel when you're leaning back in a chair and you almost fall over backwards but at the last instant you catch yourself?

I feel like that all the time.

*Credit Steven Wright*

I used to really want to know how to break into bank safes

It’s not all that it’s cracked up to be

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: Does anybody know how many dead hookers it takes to change a lightbulb in a basement?

Because it’s definitely not six...

Do you guys know how Brits say "Bend over"?

Bottoms up.

You want to know how I keep my affairs in order?

In my little black book, alphabetically of course.

Does anyone know how to fix a noisy dishwasher?

I've tried flowers and chocolates, but she's still whinging

NSFW A man returns to work on Tuesday after a long weekend due to his 25th wedding anniversary he had celebrated over the weekend. His buddies were happy to see him and wanted to know how his little vacation was. "Perfect!", he replied. "I came home, and nobody was home. So I went upstairs to

the bedroom and there she was; naked and on all fours, and she tells me happy anniversary, you can do whatever you want to me!
His friends asked, "So what did you do!?!?"
He replied, "I sent her to her mother's!"

My daughters boyfriend still doesn't know how to tie his shoes...

Every time I walk in her room that's all she's doing.

If you fall into water and don't know how to swim

You have the rest of your life to learn.

Do you know how to tell when you're really fat?

When you fall from both sides of your bed at the same time

You know how sometimes you want to eat something just because it's there?

So, anyway, I got fired from the gynecologist's today.

A woman approached me in the street the other day with one of those charity collection buckets and asked me: do you know how often people die from AIDS?

I said: now I'm no expert, but I think it's only once.

Do you know how to distinguish an alligator from a crocodile?

By paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.

Wanna know how we knew communism was doomed from the start?

Because of all the red flags.

Epstein: "I'm afraid I don't know how things work here in prison."

Prison guard: "Don't worry, you'll get the hang of it."

Does anyone know how long human blood will keep for if it’s not refrigerated?

Asking for a fiend

Wanna know how to make Texans really mad?

Cut Alaska in half, so Texas becomes the *third* largest state.

How do you know how heavy a chili pepper is?

Give it a weigh , give a weigh, give it a weigh now.

Do you know how to spot the blind man at the nudist colony?

It's not hard.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know how you can tell that women mature faster than men?

Men don't grow boobs until they turn 40.

(Credit goes to the old guy who made me chuckle today at work)

You know how to tell the difference between a cow and a bull?

A bull smiles when you milk him.

Husband: Sweetheart, I have something to tell you, I just don't know how to say it...

Wife: Just go on, say it...

Husband: Worcestershire

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