I ate a kids meal at McDonald's today...

His mom got really angry with me...

A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer.

A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer. The New Yorker the line behind him immediately gives him the jab: "They don't serve BEER here, you MORON!"

The German fellow felt pretty stupid, but suddenly turns to the New Yorker with a surprised look, and begi...

How do McDonald's employees protect their laptops?

They use McAfee

I got fired from McDonald's for constantly eating what was in front of me

And I got fired from the gynecologist for the same reason

I bought a bunch of shares of Old McDonald's farm.

I'm now the
#C-I-E-I-O

Why do medieval ghosts refuse to stop at McDonald's?

They prefer Wight Castle.

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I went to McDonald's and ate a kid's meal

Boy, that kid's parents were pissed at me

McDonald's is planning on making a Shakespearen play

It's called McBeth

I saw a sign at McDonald's, it said,"We do not accept bills over $20."

Trust me, if I had more than $20, I wouldn't be eating at McDonald's.

What does Old McDonald's farm and an old Asian women's closet have in common?

There's a muumuu here, a muumuu there....

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TIL that McDonald's and police use the same training material.

It's a 5 step de-escalation procedure. You know, a kind that some corporate HR would come up. Ones with corny, forced acronyms. But this one actually works pretty well:

1. Believe
2. Listen
3. Apologize
4. Satisfy
5. Thank the customer

So when a customer gets all pissy abou...

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What's the similarity between a dick and a McDonald's burger?

They're both smaller and less-filling than advertised.

What do McDonald's and priests have in common?

They both shove their meat in seven year old buns.

What's the difference between Donald Trump, and someone working at McDonald's ?

The guy working at McDonald's has to pay income taxes.

I remember when McDonald's switched from styrofoam to cardboard and paper.

I'm still wondering when they're going to start using actual meat.

Did you hear about McDonald's trying to get into the high end steakhouse market?

It was a Big Mcsteak

Why wasn't there any McDonald's in the Roman Empire

There was too much Greece

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16yo with a part time job at McDonald's comes home in a new Porsche Panamera Turbo S.

His mom screams at him, "HOW THE HELL DID YOU BUY THAT PORSCHE, WE KNOW WHAT IT COSTS."

The 16yo says, "I got it from that old lady over there, she gave me it for $1.

His mom, steaming: OMG SHE MIGHT BE A RAPIST AND A CHILD ABUSER! LET'S GO SEE HER!!"

His dad goes to the old lad...

Some students notice an elderly couple in the McDonald's with only one meal on the table...

"Excuse me," says one of the students, "I noticed that you only have one meal between you. If you'd like we could get another for you, it's no trouble."

"That's very kind of you," replies the elderly woman, "but you see, in our marriage my husband and I share everything. This is enough food f...

Is your body from McDonald's?

Man: "Is your body from McDonald's?"

Woman: "Why, because your loving it?"

Man: “No, because its fat and greasy.”

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There's a cheap prostitute in town who works the corner by McDonald's

Quarter? Pound her.

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A McDonald's grill operator starts kicking off about being underpaid.

He begins to beat the shit out of the other staff. The police arrive and he kicks their ass. The FBI turn up and he whips their butt too. The CIA, the military, even the U.S. Navy SEALs can't stop the guy.

The manager thinks for a moment, then pushes another grill operator into the fray who ...

I finally got a job handling finances for a multi billion company!

So excited for my first day as a McDonald's cashier :)

TIL: America has more museums than McDonald's

McDonald's only has a few museums

McDonald's tried to create a beef version of the McRib, but failed.

Hopefully, they learned from their McSteaks.

During a hot summer, a man goes through a McDonald's drive through and orders several cold drinks...

He repeats this process several times a day for a few days.
After the 4th day, a McDonald's manager decides to investigate why this man is buying so many drinks. He asks the man "why do you keep buying so many drinks when you could just go to a grocery store and get them cheaper?"

The man...

One day - a woman decides to save up money and get a facelift for herself

On her way home she stopped at a shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," he replied.

"I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy. After that she went into McDonald's for...

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What do a prostitute and McDonald's have in common?

More bang for your buck

Today a person mocked me by saying, "Shut up! You work at McDonald's. "

Yes, He's my coworker.

TIL America has more museums than Starbucks and McDonald's combined.

Starbucks and McDonald's have a combined total of 0 museums.

A Catholic priest and a Rabbi walk into a McDonald's

One day, a Catholic priest and a Rabbi walk into a McDonald's. The priest decides that he will order their meals while the Rabbi looks for a table. When the priest returns he hands the Rabbi a bacon cheeseburger. The next day the duo decide to go to McDonald's again but this time the Rabbi would ord...

How is working at McDonald's like being an archaeologist in Athens?

You end up smelling like ancient grease.

McDonald's just came out with a new energy drink

They called it McSquared

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Oh to be 6 again

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he...

The Genie offered me one wish. I asked for a McDonald's ice cream. When he told me the machine was broken and he couldn't do the impossible I got to pick another wish. I asked him for an original joke on reddit. He agreed to grant my wish but had one last question...

Would you like that in a cone or a cup?

With the success of BK's Impossible Whopper, McDonald's decided they needed a non-meat option too.

So they brought back the McRib.

A homeless man passed out while walking in front of a McDonald's.

Everyone around surrounded the man to see what could be done to help him.

A woman from the crowd yelled: " Bring him water and splash some of it on his face!"

The man opened his eyes immediately and said: "Hey! If I needed water I would've passed out in front of Aquafina.

Why McDonald's will always be popular with the ladies.

It's got the big D.

What do you call a ninja at McDonald's?

Sekiro shadow buys fries

People say it couldnt be done, but I have worked at McDonald's for 20 years and I have enough saved to live off of for the rest of my life.

If I die before before next month.

A young man watched as an elderly couple sat down to lunch at McDonald's.

He noticed that they had ordered just one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the old gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, etc, until each had exactly half.

Then the old man poured half of the soft drink into the ext...

What did Kris Kross order at McDonald's?

A Biggity, Biggity, Biggity Mac.

THE ECONOMY IS SO BAD...

How bad is it you ask?

So bad,

THAT....

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer....

If McDonald's opened up in Bikini Bottom

They'd have the perfect sandwich to rival Krusty Krabs's sandwich and put the Chum Bucket out of business: The Krappy Patty

While my wife was in the kitchen cooking breakfast, I suddenly heard a loud thud.

Running in I found her dead on the floor.

In a panic, I had no idea what to do.Then I remembered.

McDonald's do an all-day breakfast.

Did you hear about McDonald's new burger made entirely of beef lips?

It's called the McJagger.

How is working the fry station at McDonald's like studying Plato and Aristotle?

You really learn to appreciate ancient grease.

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