UPJOKE
mhzmegahertzmegacyclekckhzkilohertzkilocycleratelytedjdsokooleihtakaharrison

Mc Jokes

Old McDonald had to hire a manager for the farm. The manager asked, "What's my title?"

McDonald said, "You're the C I E I O."

A German man walks into a McDonald's in the United States...

After waiting in line, he finally gets to the counter, and he orders a pint of beer, because you can get beer at McDonalds in Germany.

An American customer overhears the man's order, and he approaches the German man and says, "How could you be so stupid? you cannot order beer here." while lau...

For all the people queuing for McDonalds

I was at the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and a young lady behind me leaned on her horn and started mouthing something because I was taking too long to place my order.

So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own. The McDonalds worker must have told her w...

What’s Mitch McConnell’s favorite movie?

Kill Bill.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I work in a factory that makes McDonalds french fries...

One of co-workers told me yesterday that he's always wanted to put his dick in the Potato Peeler. I tried to talk him out of it, but I could tell he had already made his mind up to do it. I saw him today; he was clearing out his desk. "So you went ahead and did it?" "Yeah, and I got caught, so they ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dyslexic son asked his mum if he can have some McDonald’s for dinner.

He’s mum said ok, but only if he can spell out McDonald’s.
The son replied: Fuck it, I’ll just have some KCF!

What is Ronald McDonald's approach to dating?

Court her. Pound her.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dyslexic boy is on his way home from training with his mam...."Can we stop at McDonald's mam? I'm starving" the boy asks. "If you can spell McDonald's we will stop on the way home ofcourse son" The boy pauses, composes himself and begins "M" "C" He begins to struggle....

"Ah fuck it mam let's have a KCF"

How many McDonalds workers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, because they can't climb the ladder.

*Edit: Wasn't my joke, it was a friends but I can't credit him since I don't know his account name*

Did you hear about McDonald's trying to get into the high end steakhouse market?

It was a Big Mcsteak

Can’t believe what I saw in McDonald’s today.

An old man placed an order for one hamburger , French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half , placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries , dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front...

McDonald's tried to create a beef version of the McRib, but failed.

Hopefully, they learned from their McSteaks.

I saw a good looking guy at McDonalds spank his kid for throwing his fries on the ground.

So I threw my fries on the ground too

McAfee not dead actually..

He is still running in the background.

I told my wife, “Did you know Old McDonald’s farm has been taken over by Artificial Intelligence?”

Her: AI?

Me: AI.

Her: Oh.

If McDonalds sold fancy steaks they’d call them Filet Mc’gnons

...also it’s my 5 year cake day so shower me in internet points or however this works I dunno. Thanks!

What is Jimmy McGill's favorite cut of meat?

Chuck roast.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A McDonald's grill operator starts kicking off about being underpaid.

He begins to beat the shit out of the other staff. The police arrive and he kicks their ass. The FBI turn up and he whips their butt too. The CIA, the military, even the U.S. Navy SEALs can't stop the guy.

The manager thinks for a moment, then pushes another grill operator into the fray who ...

TIL America has more museums than Starbucks and McDonald's combined.

Starbucks and McDonald's have a combined total of 0 museums.

What is the difference between Kevin McCarthy and a newborn baby?

In a few months, the baby will be a speaker.

What does McDonalds and your tinder hook-up have in common?

They don’t look as good as advertised but you’ll eat them anyways.

Why does McGregor love springtime so much?

Cause you just can't beat Mayweather.

George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Matthew McConaughey decide to make a movie together.

George Clooney says, "I'll direct."

DiCaprio yells, "I'll produce!"

And Matthew McConaughey says, "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I ate a kid's meal at McDonald's today

His parents were pissed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The popularity of Lightning McQueen racecar beds probably means that Lightning McQueen has been peed on more then any other fictional character.

He really does deserve the "Pissed In" cup.

Old McGregor….

Dropped a quarter in the toilet by mistake.

He looked at it for a few moments then threw in a dime and said “I’d no reach in there for a quarter, but I would for thirty-five cents.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to McDonald's today. I smiled at the bloke and said "Can I have a small shake please?"

He told me to "Fuck off" and walked out of the men's toilets.

What do you call the boss at Old McDonald's Farm ?

The CIEIO

Old McDonald had a farm...

2.71828 √(-1) 2.71828 √(-1) (5-5)

I ate a kids meal at McDonald's today...

His mom got really angry with me...

I got a job as senior director at an old McDonald's farm

I’m the CIEIO

Found a hair in my McDonald’s burger, I was so surprised…

…I didn’t know they used natural ingredients

I ate a kids meal in McDonald’s this morning.

His mother was furious.

What's the difference between Tide Pods and McDonald's?

One is full of dangerous chemicals that people keep eating for some reason, and the other gets your clothes clean.

In honor of McConnell and Feinstein, C-SPAN is officially changing its name

It will now be called "Different Strokes"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The ship stuck in the Suez should be named in honor of Mitch McConnell.

It's big, full of crap, and obstructing everything in its path.

Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.

E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50....

I met Matthew McConaughey and asked him to sign a photo for me. I told him to make sure he doesn't write anything in the left side of the picture though.

He said "Alright, I'll write all right."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife doesn't know this, but I put a dollar in an envelope every time we have sex. This is all I'm spending for her Christmas present.

So far she's getting a McChicken.

An elderly couple decides to live it up a little and go to McDonald's...

When they order the food, the old man divides the fries in half and splits the burger in two.

Some students see this and offer to buy some more food so that they can both eat a whole sandwich.

"No, no, that's fine," says the old man, "We share everything."

So the old man start...

I saw a woman drop her purse in the high street this morning, so…

I quickly followed her. As I was just about to tap her on the shoulder she started running for a bus. So I ran after her shouting, "You dropped your purse! You dropped your purse!"
She didn't hear me and proceeded to get onto the bus, so I got on the bus too. As I walked to the back of the bus...

Did you know that people who celebrate Ramadan can still have McDonalds?

Really - that’s because it’s fastfood

A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer.

A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer. The New Yorker the line behind him immediately gives him the jab: "They don't serve BEER here, you MORON!"

The German fellow felt pretty stupid, but suddenly turns to the New Yorker with a surprised look, and begi...

What’s the difference between Kevin McCarthy and Amazon Alexa?

One’s a speaker that runs the house and the other is a congressman…

How is working the fry station at McDonald's like studying Plato and Aristotle?

You really learn to appreciate ancient grease.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump meets the Queen...

Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowns. "But how do I know the p...

What drink do Pirates get at McDonald’s?

The Hi-C!

Inflation in the USA is so high at this point that...…

\- I recieved a predeclined credit card in the mail.
\- CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
\- Exxon-Mobil fired 25 Congressmen.
\- McDonald's is selling the amazing 1/4 ouncer.
\- Angelina Jolie adopted a kid from the US.
\- Moms and Dad's in Beverly Hills let go of ...

What pet food does Lightning McQueen normally buy?

Cat Chow

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Reading Cormack McCarthy's ~The Crossing.

You hear about the Texas lion and the New Mexico lion? the old man said.
No sir. I dont believe so.
There was this Texas lion and this New Mexico lion. They split up on the divide and went off to hunt. Agreed to meet up in the spring and see how they’d done and all and whenever they done it wh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandpa loves jokes and over quarantine he sent us an extensive list of jokes. He called these ones groaners. Please enjoy. ( NSFW warning I don’t know how to tag it)

I lived in a houseboat for a while and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually, we drifted apart.



My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.



A man tried to sell ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I ordered two large fries at McDonald's

The bastards gave me 86 tiny ones

Three College Graduates in McDonald's

Three recent college graduates met in McDonald's, and the engineering major said, "Did you see the new wind turbines going up on the east side of town? They had asked our class to run some stress studies during windstorms as an exercise".

"Yes", the geology graduate said, "They also contacte...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into McDonald's to report a man soliciting sex in the parking lot.

The clerk asks him what happened, and he proceeds to tell them that there is a man in the parking lot offering a blowjob in exchange for a hamburger. The clerk lets the man know that they will inform the manager who will call the police and have the man removed. They then thank the man and ask him w...

How many Kevin McCarthies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

joke knee summer advise glorious enjoy cause party disgusting boat ` this post was mass deleted with www.Redact.dev `

What’s the difference between Boba Fett and a Time Machine operated by Marty McFly?

One’s a Mandalorian and the other’s a manned DeLorean.

Yesterday McDonald gave the wrong food to the wrong customer.

It was a Big Mcstake!

I was lucky enough to be invited to MC Hammer's house recently.

Although, it was actually kind of boring, since he kept saying I wasn't allowed to touch anything.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

what do woman and a McDonald's happy meal have in common?

They both can cum with a toy inside lol

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Russia has been cut off from CNN, CBS, ABC Pornhub, Facebook...

US is working depriving Russians of McDonalds, Coca-Cola and US fastfood. They continue with these sanctions and Russian people will probably be the most healthiest, well adjusted, spiritual and well informed people on the planet.

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday...

She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results.

On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around.
As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35,"he replied.

"I'm actually 47," t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Where does the Lightning McQueen and Sally have sex?

In a bed-Vroom

Boy goes to confession and tells the priest he has been with a girl of loose morals.

"That's a grievous sin," the priest says. "Tell me: Was it Mary O'Hara?"

"No, Father."

"Was it Kate Dannaher?"

"No, Father."

"Was it Kathleen McGonigle?"

"No, Father. I don't want to say who it was."

Later, as the boy leaves the church, he sees a friend, who...

What type of computer does Ronald McDonald use?

A big mac

Conor McGregor

Before the fight: I can't stand Poirier
After the fight: I can't stand, Poirier

What was Matthew McConaughey's least favourite part of Interstellar?

When the girl gets older, and he stays the same age.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW My wife FINALLY agreed to a Star Wars role play in the bedroom

My wife FINALLY agreed to a Star Wars role play in the bedroom...

...The only catch was I had to be Obi Wan, because she always had a thing for Ewan McGregor.

"Of course!" I said, and got to work putting together the sexiest Obi Wan costume I could. I even managed to find Glow in the D...

If Matthew McConaughey was a pastor

All rise, All rise, All rise

McDonald's drive-thru

So is that McDonald's is very busy I went through the drive-thru. I was deciding what I wanted to order. The person behind me kept honking yelling and screaming obscenities. I finished placing my order went up to the cashiers window. And said I would like to pay for the car behind me also. Paid for ...

News reports today that Senate GOP leader Mitch McConnell hospitalized after fall.

He finally brought a motion to the floor.

Why did Post Malone's promiscuous behavior get him the nickname 'Kevin McAllister?'

Because he was Ho Malone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do McDonalds and pussy have in common?

It's generally frowned upon to eat in a Burger King.

I'm really looking forward to the world Cup themed McDonald's burger.

The Qatar pounder

At my school there’s a rapper named MC Squared

The science teacher just calls him E

What did Matthew McConaughey say when he was turned into a zombie?

Yes, of course:

"I'll rot, I'll rot, I'll rot!"

Happy Halloween!

There was this guy working at McDonald’s.

and it was his turn to cook the French fries. So he put the frozen fries in the metal basket and dipped it in the oil. You see this guy was a veteran chef and used to be able to sense when food was cooked by looking at it's color or by smelling it, he never needed a timer or a meat thermometer or an...

Police pulled McConnell over

when they heard he was a minority leader.

Trying to upgrade the McRib sandwich

A chef at the McDonald's test kitchen walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Kind of bummed out today," the chef tells the bartender. "I've spend weeks trying to create a beef version of the McRib, and we just can't come up with anything that works." "Well, I hope you've learned from your McSteaks," t...

What did Matthew McConaughey say on his first day on the job as a Judge?

All Rise All Rise All Rise

Ordered some chicken nuggies at McDonalds. Drive through lady says: "Wakanda sauce"

This was right around the time Black Panther had come out so I go "hell yea I'll try that !"

She gon come back: SIR....... WHAT. KIND. OF. SAUCE.

How did MC Escher die?

How did MC Escher die?


He fell down the stairs.

A frog goes into McDonald's and orderes a cheeseburger

The cashier looks at the frog and asks him: would you like flies with that sir?

A man walks into McDonalds

The cashier says, “Hello sir! May I take your order? By the way sir, we don’t have any-”

The man interrupts, “Yes, can I get a, uh, Big Mac with large fries?”

“Sir, we don’t have any fries, would you like-“

“Oh, then can I get some small fries?”

The cashier sighs and roll...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

McGregor was a mighty man.

Two Scotsman were drinking in bar. As they were walking out, one man lets out a sigh as he's looks out at their village, and his friend asks what's wrong.

"Look at our town." he replied. "You see that bridge crossing the river over there? I built that bridge with me own two hands. But do they...

So they made a documentary on Netflix about Madeline McCann....

8 episodes, roughly 8 hours, and if you watched it you watched her more than her parents did.

McDonald’s fired CEO Steve Easterbrook has already got a new job at Old McDonalds farm

He's their CIEIO

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The corporal at the Motor Pool received a call one day demanding the delivery of a Jeep.

"Sorry, man", said the Corporal, "the last Jeep went out yesterday to Sgt. Fat-Ass McGinty."

The voice on the phone said, "Do you know who this is?"

"No, man," said the Corporal.

"This is Sgt. McGinty!"

After a moment, the Corporal asked, "Well, do you know who *this* is?...

Paul McCartney celebrates his 80th birthday with Stella in Mykonos.

You would think with all his wealth, he would have bought at least ONE bottle of Champagne.

A Sith, a Jedi, and a Mandalorian walk into a bar...

They start talking and after a few drinks the conversation shifts to cars. The Jedi living a life of austerity and frugality only has a 1991 Camry. The Sith and Mando laughs at him saying he has a Bad Car. The Sith having manipulated others into giving him their wealth shows off his McClaren F1. The...

Did you hear about John McAfee?

I guess the old saying is true.

Nobody expects the Spanish Extradition.

Matthew McConaughey is campaigning to be Governor of Texas..

Running on an alt right, alt right, alt right platform.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

MC Hammer was constipated.

Apparently he was 2 legit 2 shit

Inspired by my 7 year old, who asked permission to use a mommy/daddy word.

Did you hear that McDonald’s is coming out with a McJackson burger?

It’s a 50-year-old piece of meat in a 12-year-old bun.

Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery...

Matthew: "Can I get three loaves of bread please?"

Baker: "What type do you want sir?"

Matthew: "All rye, all rye, all rye."

What do you call it when a guy is going down on a girl and suddenly stops?

McConnellingus.

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer...

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, recently received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned ...

With McDonalds closing all around Russia I guess that means it is a..

..no fry zone.

(Credit to my dad for the joke)

BREAKING: Matthew McConaughey Announces Gubernatorial Run

When asked regarding his political leanings, McConaughey stated to a reporter that his views were "all right all right all right."

Ordered 4 drinks at McDonald's.....

....so they wouldn't think all 50 chicken nuggets were for me.

I was at McDonald's yesterday eating a kids meal

Until his parents asked me to stop

I saw a sign at McDonald's, it said,"We do not accept bills over $20."

Trust me, if I had more than $20, I wouldn't be eating at McDonald's.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ray Bradbury wrote a book about Mitch McConnell having sex...

"Something Wicked This Way Comes".

Why doesn’t Conor McGregor like fighting in the spring?

Because of Mayweather

McDonalds was originally going to sell hot dogs...

They just felt like nobody would buy the mcweenie

I bought a bunch of shares of Old McDonald's farm.

I'm now the
#C-I-E-I-O

Old McDonald’s son joined the Army

G-I-G-I-Joe

I remember when McDonald's switched from styrofoam to cardboard and paper.

I'm still wondering when they're going to start using actual meat.

Did you hear that McDonald's is implanting all of its employees with technology that gives them all a common hive mind?

They're calling themselves the Burg.

How do McDonald's employees protect their laptops?

They use McAfee

"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "

I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's.... The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your ...

McDonalds just released a new sandwich made entirely of beef lips.

They're calling it the McJagger.

Did you know UPS consulted Matthew McConaughey to help UPS eliminate inefficient left turns on deliveries?

He told them, "All right all right all right"

Apple, the FBI, and John McAfee are sitting in an office...

Only two were invited, but the third one got in through the backdoor.

My math teacher told me I would be stuck working at McDonalds for the rest of my life

Jokes on her, I'm lovin' it

Conor McGregor hates cinco de mayo...

It's nothing personal, he just cant stand Mayweather.

What do you call a man who became fat from eating too much McDonald's?

Big Max

I went to McDonalds and Wendy’s and Burger Kings and all the fries were burnt!

Then I realized it’s Black Fryday

Jock McTavish is on his deathbed...

His lifelong pal McGregor is sitting vigil by his side.

With his dying breath McTavish leans over and rasps. "There's a bottle of fine whisky under my bed. When I am gone, pour it over my grave. Promise me you'll do it man."

After a moments consideration McGregor replies. "Aye Jock, I'...

The other day, I walked into my barber shop, and, much to my surprise, saw Matthew McConaughey sitting in a chair at the end of the row.

His hair was covered with the kind of foil that suggested he was getting it colored.


"Mr. McConaughey," I said, a little star-struck. "Are you getting your hair colored?"


"Aw, absolutely," he said in his signature drawl. "Matter of fact, I get my hair colored every two wee...

Did you hear Lightning McQueen died?

He had a Cadillac arrest.

Every new McDonald's creates 40 new jobs.

20 dentists and 20 heart surgeons.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most English

Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most English in three weeks.

After three weeks the Syrians meet again at a McDonalds. The first Syrian makes his case for him being more English by saying: "Every day I have taken my son to football practice and my daughter to dance class...

Did you hear John McAfee is accused of murder?

The trial will last 30 days

A young man watched as an elderly couple sat down to lunch at McDonald’s.

He noticed that they had ordered just one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the old gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, etc, until each had exactly half. Then the old man poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup...

Little Johnny is goofing off in math class and Ms. McHeiney calls on him.

"Johnny, three birds are sitting on a fence, you shoot one of them how many are left." Johnny sits up straight and says "none, the bang would make the others fly away." Ms. McHeiney says, "well, the answer is two, but I like the way you're thinking."

Little Johnny says "OK, I have one for y...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the similarity between a dick and a McDonald's burger?

They're both smaller and less-filling than advertised.

Matthew McConaughey, Leonardo DiCaprio and Brad Pitt decide to make a movie together.

Of course, they are going to need roles for each other, but none of them can decide what they want to do. They argue over this for hours, until Leonardo finally decides he wants to direct, since he is the best with cameras. Eventually, Brad Pitt decides he wants to produce, since he’s the one with t...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.