A Pirate captain and his first mate make landfall on the island of Madagascar

On land they see a variety of creatures but most interesting a lemur around a wreck on the beach.

Upon closer examination by the captain to his astonishment, the lemur is spying on the pirates with a telescope

The captain says to his first mate “Do you see what that lemur is looking a...

A pirate captain was out at sea when his first mate ran to him suddenly...

The first mate shouted “Sir! Theres a ship on the horizon armed with 10 cannons and 100 men!”

The captain replied, “bring me my red shirt and prepare for battle!”

The pirates fight and win the battle, making off with all the treasure. A few days later, the first mate again run up yell...

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Captain Blackbeard and his first mate Kelly capture a ship searching for precious jewels...

The ship is carrying three groups: guides, soldiers, and miners. They are transferring the three groups over in three boats. During the transfer, the boat with the guides capsizes, followed by the soldiers, but the miners cross safely.
A bloom of jellyfish passes by and stings the men in the wat...

Why did the Captain ask his first mate to come look at a new boat with him?

Because it never hurts to have an extra aye.

What did the First Mate see when he went to the bathroom?

The Captains Log

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What did the pirate captain say when he caught his first mate hiding a rooster in his treasure chest?

**Get yer cock out of me booty!**

A pirate captain asks his first mate "Find out what be the Roman numeral for the two"

"Aye aye! " responds the first mate

A pirate captain says to his first mate...

“Where are my buccaneers?”

“Aye Cap’n, they’re on the sides of your buccan’ head!”

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Captain Hook is claiming that he was sexually assaulted by his first mate some years ago.

It's a classic case of he said, Smee said.

A First Mate got drunk

The first mate on a ship had a little too much rum, and unfortunately was still drunk the next morning. The captain saw him drunk and when the first mate was sober, showed him the following entry in the ship’s log: "The first mate was drunk today."

"Captain please don’t let that stay in the...

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A young first mate officer asks his Captain, "Sir, why does not my ability evolve.

A young first mate officer asks his Captain,
"Sir, why does not my ability evolve. I don't seem to be getting better at the job?"

And the Captain patiently answers: "Son, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seem like flames?"

"Yes, my sir, I have."...

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A pirate captain was telling his first mate how he got his injuries

First he points to his peg leg. "You see," he says, "I got thrown overboard in a terrible storm an' a great white shark bit off me leg before I could climb back up."
"That's amazing," the first mate replies, "and what happened to your hand?"
"We was boarding a ship to take its plunder an' ...

A pirate named Ronny gets promoted to First Mate.

Ronny is pondering life one day as hes giving the captain a shave.

"I'm not a very good pirate," he says to the captain. "I can't navigate and I don't know how to fight. I don't even sound like a pirate. Is there a reason you chose me as first mate?"

"Aye Ronny," says the captain.

A captain is on a boat with his first mate.

The first mate says "Sir there's an enemy ship on the horizon!" and the captain says, "bring me my red shirt so you cannot see me bleed." They survive the battle and a while later the first mate says "Sir there's three enemy ships on the horizon!" and again the captain says, "bring me my red shirt s...

Got this one from a coworker the other day.

There was once this great pirate captain who refused to lose any battles no matter the cost. He would give up anything to secure victory in battle.

One day while sailing the open ocean he and his crew encounter an two enemy ships so he yells to his first mate “get me my red shirt!” So the fi...

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A brave and fearsome pirate captain approached an uncharted island, searching for treasure.

His crew raced ahead in their rowboat, eagerly awaiting a massive payday. They came upon a large forest and began searching desperately for the last clue on the map.

As the first mate guided them carefully up to a clearing, he gasped and pointed at a crouched figure straight ahead. The capta...

The Red Shirt

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, this captain and his crew were always in danger of being boarded by pirates from a pirate ship.

One day while they were sailing, they saw that a pirate ship had sent a boarding party to try and board their ship. The crew became worried, but the Cap...

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An old fisherman suspected his wife of cheating, so he hired a private investigator...

This is a long one, so bear with me.

The fisherman and his wife lived in Saint John’s, Newfoundland and he made his living by going out into the ocean to net cod under the watchful eye of his captain.

In those days, the best fishing was to be found far out on the banks very far from...

A pirate with a peg leg, eye patch, and a hook hand walks into a bar and sits down beside a curious patron

They begin a conversation and the patron asks

"How did you get the peg leg?"

Pirate says "several years ago me first mate led a mutiny against me! Me whole crew threw me overboard and a shark came and tore me leg right off. Several hours later I got lucky and found a passing vessel to ...

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Did you hear that pirates discovered sex?

They had the first mate

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A fight breaks out at a Newfie wedding...

Chairs are flying and women are crying. The police show up and arrest all the men involved in the scuffle.

They all are brought to the court house and all you hear is chatter. "Order in my court", screams the judge. "Can someone come up and please explain what happened?".

Jimmy speaks...

[Titanic, 1912]

**Captain:** what kind of lettuce do you want on your sandwich?

**First mate:** ICEBERG!

**Captain:** lol... no need to shout, Dave.

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Sailor went to sea

A sailor, newly qualified, joins a ship on a long sea voyage. And he asks the first mate what they do for fun. The first mate says "we have a barrel with a hole in it, and everyone gets to stick his dick inside. Have a go". So the sailor tries it and it's an amazing feeling. Ecstatically he says to ...

A homeless man was one day walking down an alleyway...

A homeless man was one day walking down an alleyway from which you could see the back gardens of these mansion like houses on the street. He looks into a garden and sees a man in a suit crying and looking at the pool.

The man in suit fills his pockets with rocks and suddenly jumps into the po...

Pirate Captain: I need a catch phrase

######First Mate [contemplating whether to murder his captain with a knife or his pieces of wood]:
shiv or me timbers...

3 guys go to heaven

Three guys go to heaven. When at the gates, God encounters the three and welcomes them.

"Heaven has a lot of good things to offer, but I must warn you about the pink clouds. Don't ever touch them, or something bad will happen."

The three guys enter the gates and go for a walk

Af...

A captain of a ship was retiring after 40 years in the business.

He had some good voyages, and some bad, but it was finally time to sail one last time. Before each trip, the captain would open a small leather book, read a certain page, close the book and board the ship for the voyage. Only he knew what the leather book said. Not even his first mate knew what the ...

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Richard's new job

Richard just got a new job on a small shipping vessel. He shows up for his first day and the first mate puts him to work loading crates onto the ship. He finishes a few hours later and they get underway. Richard is put to work and is kept busy all day. After dinner, he approaches the first mate and ...

Seems there was a treasure ship on its way back to port.

About halfway there, it was approached by a pirate, skull and crossbones waving
in the breeze!

"Captain, captain, what do we do?" asked the first mate.

"First mate," said the captain, "go to my cabin, open my sea
chest, and bring me my red shirt." The first mate did so.
...

A ship at sea was approached by 2 pirate ships...

The captain of the ship tells his men to get ready for battle, and orders his first mate to go get his red shirt.

After they defeated the pirate ship the first mate approaches the captain and asks “captain why did you want me to get you a red shirt?is it a lucky shirt?”

The captain ans...

An old ship captain, after years of good service, dies...

He was one of the most revered captains his nearly 50 year career. The crew had little idea what to do with all his belongings gathered from all the country's he's visited.
After a few weeks of talking it through with the crew and family the first mate remembers a weird habit the captain had. ...

A magician has a good gig

A magician finds a profitable gig on a cruise ship. His show packs out every night and cruise audiences are always grateful and astonished.

Until one day the first mate brings a parrot on board. The problem is that the parrot ruins all the tricks. In the middle of his act it will squawk “Rah...

A sailor has just signed up to join a Transatlantic trade crew for their latest voyage...

The rest of the crew have worked together for years, so he's the only newbie. Initially, it seems to be a pretty ordinary job.

However, after the initial work of loading the ship and leaving the harbor was done, he noticed something weird.

During lunch or dinner, whenever most of the c...

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A Young Man

Has dreams of being a sailor but has no formal education. One day a magnificent ship docks at the harbour and the man rushes to the first mate.

"Please sir, I wish to become a sailor. I have no skills or experience but I'm the most honest, trustworthy man you'll ever meet!"

The first ...

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What do you call it when a sailor loses his virginity?

First mate.

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So a man gets shanghaied by pirates...

So a man gets shanghaied by pirates, and they put him to work. Life isn't bad for him, steady work a cut of the booty, but after the third day, he starts to feel uncomfortable, having had a healthy sex life back home, and if not with women, he at least could wank one out if the going got tough, but ...

A pirate ship is sailing in the ocean when an enemy ship approaches...

"Captain, an enemy ship approaches!" A crew member shouted from the crow's nest.

The captain turned to his first mate and said, "Bring me my red shirt." The first mate, somewhat confused, ran to the captain's quarters and brought the captain his red shirt. They battled the enemy ship and won....

A Sea Captain looks through his telescope

and sees ships approaching on the horizon. He says to his first mate "Arrrr Matey, fetch me me red shirt".

"But why, Captain?" the Mate says.

"If these be enemies and we must defend our ship I don't want me men to see me bleed".

The mate fetches the shirt as the Captain looks ou...

My grandfather was an old nautical engineer who tried to warn everyone on the Titanic that they were doomed

First he yelled at the passengers while they boarded...he was ignored

Then he yelled at the Captain and the First Mate...he was ignored

Then as he continued to yell his warnings; people began to tell him to be quiet and that he was crazy

Eventually, after all his yelling; Securi...

The crew of the ship were confused when the captain was wearing a ship wheel as a belt buckle

The first mate asked: “captain... why are ye wearing a ships wheel?”

The captain replied back saying: “aye, it’s drivin me nuts.”

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Pirate Joke

Two Pirates, a captain and his first mate, are pissing over the side of the ship after a long night of drinking. Curious, the first mate peeks over at the captains log to see what he's packing and is shocked to see a miniature steering-wheel attatched to the end of his long john silver.

"Oi! ...

There was once a pirate captain who never lost a battle...

He sailed the seas, taking ship after ship, no one seemed to be able to defeat his crew in combat.

One day, his first mate was curious about their great success.

"Cap'n, how is it you inspire the crew to fight their best no matter what we face?"

"Well don't tell em lad, I always...

A sea captain and his seamen...

Were out protecting the coast from pirates. As they were sailing, they spot one pirate ship. The captain yells to his seaman

"Everyone prepare for battle" and he calls for first mate and says "First mate, bring me my red coat"

The first mate brings the red coat and they beat the pirate...

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My Red Shitt

The captain of a Spanish ship is walking around the deck inspecting the rigging and checking for damage when he hears from the crow's nest "Pirate ship to port, 2 kilometers." Upon receiving the news the captain tells his new first mate "Fetch me my red shirt at once."

The first mate brings t...

A Pirates life for me...

A first mate says to his captain "sir i have the yearn in me loins, and we haven't made port in weeks what do i do"

Captain : "I too have this problem , and have a solution!. when ever ye feel the need, place your self in this hole in the barrel, except on Wednesdays never on Wednesdays"
<...

A merchant ship captain spots a pirate vessel in the distance...

He says, "First mate, there is a pirate vessel coming straight for us. We must take evasive maneuvers. And bring me my red shirt."

The first mate says, "Your red shirt? Why captain?"

Captain says, "So if I am wounded in the coming battle, the men won't know see me bleed."

"Good ...

Shipwreck

A cruise ship get badly damaged by the iceberg. Passengers crowd on the deck. It is obvious they need to jump into the water, but it's cold and three particular groups of tourists are hesistant.

Captain walks up to the first group, who are americans, tells them something and they all jump....

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The navy caught a pirate armada.

The admiral of the navy went to interrogate the pirate captain. He noticed that the captain was missing a leg, had a hook on a hand and was wearing an eyepatch. So he asked him the story behind them.
The pirate captain said, "I lost the hand 5 years ago, while fighting with the English army. So I...

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Captain Loony Doubloon

At the last port-of-call before a long voyage, lonely Captain Loony Doubloon decides it's time he needs another parrot. He heads to the port's birdkeep, and finds the perfect talkative parrot perched on its swing within. The keeper discloses, however, that the bird was born with no legs, among anoth...

Captain Jokes

Captain:

A navy captain is alerted by his First Mate that there is a pirate ship coming towards his position. He asks a sailor to get him his red shirt.

The captain was asked, “Why do you need a red shirt?”

The Captain replies, “So that when I bleed, you guys don’t notice and ar...

A joke for pirate day.

A pirate ship's first mate comes up to the deck to find the ship's (steering) wheel missing. The first mate rushes to the captain of the ship, only to find the wheel in his pants.

The first mate asks, "Captain, did you know the ship's wheel is in your pants?"

"Aaarrrh," the pirate cap...

[NSFW] The Barrel

A man who was down on his luck decided to join a pirate crew. There was always excitement, always rum, and always loot, but as the weeks went by he began to realize that life on a ship at sea away from women was a bit lonely. The first mate seeing his frustration walked over and asked what was wrong...

Pirate captain's red shirt.

A man wanted to become a pirate so he joined a crew. Over time he ended up becoming first mate under an infamous captain. One evening a rival ship issued a challenge. The captain asked his first mate to grab his red shirt. He grabbed the shirt and they fought their rival and won. The next day two sh...

(long) A ship captain notices a pirate ship gaining speed for an attack.

He tells his first mate to get him his red shirt. "Why?" the first mate asked. "I want the red shirt in case I get hit and start bleeding no one can tell and we don't lose moral." They fight and win the battle and start to celebrate. After a few minutes they see 20 more ships and the captain turns t...

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Three men survive a shipwreck...

When the early explorers came to the Caribbean, one of the first ships encountered a huge storm and went down. Only the captain, the first mate, and the bosun survived.

Unfortunately they were also immediately captured by the cannibalistic indigenous tribe, the "Caribs". They were told that ...

A pirate captain is on the high seas...

A Pirate captain is on the high seas with his crew. Suddenly, his first mate comes running up to him in a panic. "Captain! Five British warships have been spotted! They are headed directly for us, battle is inevitable." The captain strokes his grizzled beard and replies, "Bring me my red shirt!" The...

Pirate captain and his clothing

This Pirate Captain is sailing his boat when he sees a merchant ship he wishes to raid. He know a battle will ensue so he tells his first mate, "First mate, fetch me my red shirt." The first mate gives a funny look, fetches the shirt then asks, "Sir, tell me, why a red shirt?" The captain replies, "...

Old School Pirate Crime

Captain Normal Beard the up-and-coming pirate captain and his first mate Clumsy Edward were in desperate need of ink in order to make the numerous treasure maps they were sure create during all of their treasure-filled journeys. More than anything they needed red ink for the illustrious X's that wil...

The Fearsome Pirate

The most fearsome pirate captain on the seven seas is sailing through the Bermuda Triangle when suddenly his first mate comes up next to him and says "Sir, one of the King's ships has been sighted over the horizon. They're armed and we should be ready for battle."

The captain turns around and...

Captain and his red shirt

A newly appointed captain on a ship is standing on the deck, when a call comes out 'An enemy ship is approaching!' The captain calmly turns to his first mate and says 'Bring me my red shirt.' They're victorious and after the battle some of the crew ask the captain why he asked for his red shirt; he ...

Did you hear the one about the captain's lucky shirt?

So a pirate captain is walking along the deck of his ship, when all of a sudden the crier in the crows-nest yells "Spanish treasure ship getting within range!"

So the captain rallies his men, and calls to his first mate "First mate, get me my lucky red shirt". The captain puts the shirt on an...

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