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Making Love Jokes

Making love to a woman is like playing a violin…

I don't know how to do it…

Making love for the first time

Before my girlfriend and i made love for the first time, she said, "i want this night to be magical"

so after we made love

***i disappeared***

After making love to my wife last night, she told me I had a body built for sin

12 hours later, I still can't figure out if she meant Gluttony or Sloth

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One day a man and woman were in their bedroom making love.

All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the lady parted her legs, the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!" The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a ...

My wife made a Freudian slip while we were making love.

She said, "Yes! Oh yes! Oh my God Sigmund!!"

Husband: Do you really enjoy making love, or do you just simulate ?

Wife: I do enjoy it, really. Why ?

Husband: Next time you enjoy it I want you to let me know, Ok ?

Wife: I can't. You asked me to never call you when you're in the office.

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American beer is like making love on a canoe

It's fucking close to water.

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John is making love with his wife

John and his wife are living in an apartment complex and they make love pretty regularly. Every night when they do it the wife moans uncontrollably.
One day, John's old neighbor, Peter approaches him.
\-Hey John, uhm, I don't know how to tell you this, but every night when you make love to...

After making love, the man excused himself and went into the bathroom.

When he returned, the woman sat up in bed and remarked, "I can tell you are a doctor by the way you washed your hands before and after. "
"Well, that's right, " the fellow said with a self-satisfied grin. "Do you know what kind?"
The woman replied, " I would say an anesthesiologist. "
"How ...

After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man on the woman's nightstand by the bed.

He begins to worry.

'Is this your husband?'
he nervously asks.

'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him.

'Your boyfriend, then?'
he continues.

'No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his ear.

'Is it your dad or your brother?'
he inquires,...

What 4 words don’t you want to hear when making love?

Hi honey! I’m home!

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After making love, a couple lay in bed.

She says to him, "And with that, I have had sex with you more than anyone in my life."

He laughs and says, "You announced that last week, but it's just as funny."

She replies, "And it's just as true."

What did the zit say to the other zit while they were making love?

Yeah you like that you dirty pore?

Why can't you hear rabbits making love?

***Because they have cotton balls.***

Two people making love is a twosome…

…three people making love is a threesome

That must be why they call me handsome.

Tonight i plan on making love

from 1:59 to 3:02

If two pieces of toast are making love...

When one of them is close to finishing, do they scream "I’m gonna crumb!"?

Mario has died from a heart attack while making love to his girlfriend

Rest in Peach

A man is making love to his wife, and sees his son watching them.

The boy runs off so the man tells his wife, " I should go talk to him."

The man goes to his son's room to find him banging his grandma.

The father yells, "What the hell?!"

The boy replies, " Not so funny when it's your mom, Is it?"

A couple is making love. The phone rings.

The wife answers, “okay!” and hangs up, laughing.

- “Why are you laughing? Who was it?”
- “My husband. He said he will be late because he’s at a bar with you.”

I walked in on my parents when they were making love, but I didn't even know what they were doing.

And I was seventeen!

From the looks of things, neither did they.

I said to her "What's the difference between making love and making conversation?"

She said "I don't know" and I said "Then lie down and let's talk."

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A couple are lied in bed after making love,

the man turns to his wife and says “baby, how come you never tell me when you orgasm?”
his wife replies “darling, you know I don’t like to call you when you’re at work”.

Morning Love Making

Tyrone asked his work buddy, Robert, one morning, "Man, why you always so damn happy when you come to work everyday?" Robert replied, "That's because I make love to my wife every morning before work."

Amazed, Tyrone asked him how he gets his wife to make love to him every morning. "That's ea...

I deeply regret making love with my ex's mother in an elevator ...

It was wrong on so many levels.

A woman walks into a pharmacy one day and says to the pharmacist, "I’d like a poison that’ll kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes."

The pharmacist says, "Ma'am, not only can I not do that for you, I’m going to have to call the police and report you."

The woman removes something from her pocket and hands it to him. He looks at it and discovers that it’s a picture of her husband making love to the pharmacist's wife.
...

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A man is walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. “Twenty bucks,” she says...

He’s never been with a prostitute before, so excitedly he says, what the hell

They are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them—it’s a policeman.

“What’s going on here, people?” asks the officer.

“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indign...

Woman to her husband while they were making love: "Please say dirty things to me!"

Man: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."

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Husband always insisted on making love in the dark...

After 20 years wife turns on the light, finds him holding a vibrator.

She goes ballistic, "You impotent bastard! How could you lie to me all these years?"

Husband looks her straight in the eyes & calmly says, "I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids....."

A couple were making love when

Girl: take off your condom.

Boy: Why?

Girl: Because YOLO

Boy: What does that mean?

Girl: You only live once.

Boy: Well, if you get pregnant then you're YOYO.

Girl: What does that mean?

Boy: You're on your own

Using a macbook is like making love to a woman

There are so many things to do with your fingers, but none of them work.

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squirrel making love

A squirrel was making love with a nut.
another one passing by is shocked: are you fucking crazy?
the first one: no stupid, I'm fucking nuts.

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I don't think I could handle making love outdoors.

I heard its fucking in tents.

Sorry.

What do you call a Sherpa making love to his wife?

Himalayan

(I wrote this and am sorry if it's racist)

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An average looking man walks into a bar.

A beautiful woman approaches him. The woman asks the man, "How would you like to get out of here?" and the man is stunned. He never thought a woman like her would ever approach him, so he agreed.


They both get into his car and drive really far.


He stops at a cliff with the...

What does a French couple making love and an Ambulance have in common?

They both go OuiOuiOuiOuiOui.

I started making love at the crack of Dawn

And I finished on her face

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After making love as a married couple for the first time, a young bride asks her husband for $50. As he pays her, he advises, "if you want roleplaying, we should both be in on it... ask for the money up front."

So, every time they have sex, she asks for $50 and he gladly pays. After all, it's THEIR money.

After a year, he stops at the bank to get a crisp new $100 Bill to make their anniversary special. He hands it to her as he walks in the door.

"That's sweet," she says, "but first, come o...

A man is right in the middle of furiously making love to his wife when suddenly...

A man is right in the middle of furiously making love to his wife when suddenly their 5-year old son walks in. “Mommy, daddy - can we...” He stares for a moment, wide-eyed, then runs from the room in tears. “Oh boy,” says the dad, “I’d better go find Timmy and have a talk with him.” He goes to Timm...

It occurs to me that when it comes to making love

One in the bush is worth two in the hand.

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The Rorschach Test (Classic)

A man goes to a Psychologist and says, "Doc I got a real problem, I can't stop thinking about sex."

The Psychologist says, "Well let's see what we can find out", and pulls out his ink blots.

"What is this a picture of?" he asks.

The man turns the picture upside down then turns ...

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