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Lovemaking Jokes

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A husband and wife are having issues in the bedroom. The wife can't orgasm because it's too damn hot.

They See A Sex Therapist, And He Recommends That They Have A Constant Supply Of Cool Air In The Bedroom, So The Man Asks His Best Friend To Waft A Towel While He And His Wife Make Love.

Begrudgingly, The Friend Submits And Says Yes.


After 20 Minutes Of Lovemaking, The Woman Is No C...

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After another attempt at lovemaking was ruined by my premature ejaculation, the wife was sat on the edge of the bed in floods of tears..

"Please baby, don't cry like that." I said, taking her hands from her face.


"Why? Why the fuck not, Barry?" She howled. "It's every time. Every. Fucking. Time. Am I not allowed to be upset about it?"


"Well of course you are sweetheart, of course you are." I reassured her. "But ...

Live Commentary on Lovemaking

A couple purchased a talking parrot on their honeymoon, much to the groom's annoyance, since the bird did a running commentary on their lovemaking. The groom finally threw a towel over the cage and threatened to give the parrot to the zoo if it didn't quit.

The next morning, packing to return...

A man comes home to his wife, upset.

"Listen, dear..." he tells her. "I'm afraid we'll have to divorce."

"What? Why?"

"They say you've had too many men before me."

The wife thinks for a moment:

"I don't understand," she says. "Am I a bad cook?"

"No, of course not! You are a marvelous cook, better than...

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On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.

In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surpri...

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Girls who have had sex with me say my lovemaking is like an earthquake

its over in about a minute and leaves you wondering what the hell just happened

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On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, "I have a confession to make. I'm not a virgin. I've been with one other guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods, the golfer."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that."

The couple then makes passionate love.

When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

"I'm hungry. I'm calling room service."

"Tiger wouldn't do t...

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What is Vin Diesel's lovemaking style?

Pitch Black, Multi-Facial, XXX and Fast and Furious.

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The old man and the blond

An 80 year old Oil billionaire and a 25-year-old blonde runway model are getting married today.

In an effort to prove that she wasn’t out for the old man’s money, she asked her husband to arrange for separate honeymoon suites.

This way after the marriage was consummated, he could go b...

Lovemaking tips for Seniors

1. Wear your glasses. Make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name o...

A little boy walked in on his parents in the heat of their lovemaking, "Mommy, what are you doing?"

"Urn," she stammered, "well, Daddy is so fat
that I'm bouncing all the air out of him."
"I don't know what good it's going to do,"
the boy replied. ''The lady next door is just going to blow him up again!"

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A doctor and his wife were playing golf at the local country club.

While on the 1st tee, his wife drove a 300 yard tee shot straight down the fairway. The doctor was amazed and exclaimed, "Wow! I've never seen you hit the ball this well before!" His wife replied, "Well, I took lessons."

A couple of days later, the doctor and his wife were on the tennis cour...

While in the playground with his friend, Little Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch. . .

"Did you get that for your birthday?" asked Little Johnny.

"Nope." replied Jimmy.

"Well, did you get it for Christmas then?".

Again Jimmy says "Nope."

"You didn't steal it, did you?" asks Little Johnny.

"No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the ...

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The man anticipated a night of ravenous lovemaking when the Russian woman entered wearing nothing but a bra and panties. However, as she was walking, he heard a faint “Hello! Hello!” coming from her nether regions with each step she took...

“Where’s that sound coming from?” the man asked with a confused look on his face.

She smiled and said, “Don’t worry, that's just my Privyet parts.”

Greek vs. Italian

Two old men are arguing about the history and the splendors of Athens and Rome.

The Greek man says "Look, all I'm saying is that the Greeks invented everything the Romans get credit for!"

The Italian says "Yes, may be, but the Romans improved it and made it useful!"

The Greek...

A thief entered a house one mid-afternoon to find...

a couple in the middle of lovemaking. He tied up the woman and at gun-point asked the man to handover all their money and jewellery. The man started sobbing and said, "Brother, take anything you want. But please, untie the rope and let her go." The thief replied, "You must really love your wife, hav...

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Conversation at the beach

A widowed Jewish lady, still in very good shape, was sunbathing on a totally deserted beach near Tel Aviv.

She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strik...

My style of love making is just like jazz.

My style of lovemaking isn’t very popular.

A husband and wife visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone.

The counselor asks her, “You say you’ve been married 20 years. So what seems to be the problem?”

“The wife replies, “It’s my husband. He’s driving me crazy! I’m going to leave him if he continues!”
“How does he drive you crazy?”
“For 20 years,” she says, “he’s been doing these stupid th...

A man meets a foreign girl, they flirt with each other, and end up sleeping with each other.

After the man came, he asked her 'you finish'?

She shook her head.

Dutifully the men got back to work, and after another round of lovemaking he asked her 'you finish?'

The girl shook her head again.

The man barely had any energy left, but continued the lovemaking none...

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A man is seated in 1st class with an open seat next to him.

Anxiously awaiting departure he can't believe his luck when a stunningly beautiful blonde approaches. As she sits down next to him he silently vows to abstain from hitting on her. It's doubtless she's had that happen to her frequently. She settles in and they're off and heading for San Francisco i...

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The Postman

Walter the mail carrier was delivering mail and a few packages to Mrs. Petersen, a gorgeous housewife, right before Christmas. Mrs. Petersen was stunning and always had a kind word, unlike her arrogant prick of a husband. It was a cold morning, and as Walter was dropping off her mail, Mrs. Petersen ...

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To Whom It May Concern

Mr. Jones, a 60-year old man has a heart attack while making love to his wife. Panicked, she calls 911. Paramedics arrive and take Mr. Jones to a hospital, where Dr. Goldman performs an emergency procedure to unblock Mr. Jones’ arteries.

Mr. Jones returns home from the hospital and, after a f...

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A newly dating couple were walking in the woods

When suddenly, a bright light appeared in the sky, it was a UFO!

A door opened, and a male and female alien stepped out of the craft.

“We would like to experience love making with humans”, said the male alien.

“Please swap your partner with me, and we can all try making love wit...

Divorce

A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife."Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's infidelity."

"Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man test-ified. "So naturally when I am hom...

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Italian, Frenchman and a Redneck...

An Italian, Frenchman and redneck were comparing lovemaking skills. The Italian says, ‘When I’ve a finished a makina da love withah my wife, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats 6 inches above a da bed in ecstacy.

The Frenchman replies. "zat is noting, when Ah’ve fini...

A Boy and his Father were out on a walk...

On their walk the two encountered a pair of doggies in an act of doggie passion in the middle of one of the neighbors lawns.
"Ewww...WHAT are they doing, Daddy?!?"
"Well son, um, I guess you could say that they are making puppies."
The father grabbed the boy's hand, and they continued...

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Loki decided to surprise Thor at his birthday party with a lady...

He introduces them, and Thor realizes the girl has a severe lisp. He tells Loki he just can't do it, and Loki assures him that despite her lisp, it will be the best night of his life.

Without another word between the two, the girl and Thor head off to his bedroom, and have an amazing night o...

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An elderly couple...

An elderly couple who have been together for years are struggling with their sex life. They’ve tried just about everything, but the passion has just died out. Eventually they decide to seek the advice of a less conventional doctor. They explain the problem - the husband says ‘No matter what I do, I ...

Jack came home in great excitement and said to his wife:

"Jill, love, you will never believe it, dear, but I have discovered an entirely new position for lovemaking".

"Really," she said, interested at once. "What is it?"

"Back to back," Jack replies

"But that is crazy. We cannot do anything back to back."

"Yes we can," he says....

Mr Sine and Miss Cosine go on their honeymoon..

Mr Sine and Miss Cosine get married and head for their honeymoon to a seaside destination. So they're chilling by the beach, and sipping on their drinks, and things get naughty soon. During a lovemaking session on the beach, Sine whispers into Cosine's ear, "It's a good thing I'm not on top, or we'...

College kids...

A couple of college students met in a night club one night and danced the night away.

They hit it off pretty well, and soon the guy suggested they go to his apartment for some extracurricular activity.

Well it wasn't long before they found themselves in bed making passionate love.
<...

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She was in good hands

A girl turned up on a blind date only to find that the guy had no arms or legs. Apparently he was a military vet who lost his limbs in action in some war.

Still not wanting to be rude or seem politically incorrect, she decided that it's just dinner and it couldn't hurt.

Much to her sur...

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A man is lost in the woods, but finds a cabin next to a small ravine

He knocks on the door and an old Chinese man answers. He asks if he could possibly stay the night, and the Chinese man says he can "But..." he warns "My daughter is very beautiful, and if you lay a finger on her I will inflict upon you the worst three tortures China has ever produced."

The ma...

The neighborhood postman was retiring after 30 years.

On his last day of delivering mail, all of the people on his route left him something in the mail box in honor of his retirement. Some left money, some left small gifts, and some met him at the door and invited him in for a drink.

As he was putting the mail in the mailbox of the last house, t...

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A husband was unhappy with his wife's recent figure after giving birth to their firstborn child.....

........Just weeks after returning home from the hospital, the husband was walking behind his wife and remarked, "Your bottom is getting so big, it looks like an old washing machine."

The wife kept quiet and refused to dignify his comment with a response at the time.

When bedtime came...

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A Drunk Went To A Brothel (long)

A drunk, four sheets to the wind, went to a brothel for some sex. Approaching the colorful brothel and stumbling up the steps, he banged on the door demanding to be let in. The madam opened the door and sized up the drunkard, who stood there weaving and red eyed, alcohol wafting from his breath....

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A middle aged couple are golfing when

The man hits his ball far off the green and it smashes through the window of a small shack just by the side of the course. Figuring they need to apologise and pay, the couple go to the shack.

When they knock on the door, and elderly man comes out and starts thanking them profusely, pointing t...

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Once upon a time in a nursing home...

...there was an 80 year old woman and an 80 year old man. Despite their advanced years, they were both very much sexually driven despite the doctor's insistence that they give up that type of activity due to their advanced age, but one night, a sly wink over a game of Bingo and a sexy smile over pu...

The family of a farmer and their cow

There once was a man who lived with his wife and three sons on a farm. They were poor and their whole wealth was a single prized cow. On one morning, the farmer went into to the barn and shockingly found his beloved cow dead on the ground. He couldn't bare telling his family about the loss so he gra...

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A woman was getting married to a virgin

A woman was getting married to a virgin, but she wasn’t one herself. She went to her friend and explained the situation, saying that her soon-to-be husband thinks that she is a virgin. Her friend offered up some advice. “Slip a small rubber band as far up your thigh as possible, right as you start,...

A Pair of Rabbits

A wild rabbit was caught and taken to a National Institute of Health laboratory. When he arrived, he was befriended by a rabbit that had been born and raised in the lab.

One evening the wild rabbit noticed that his cage hadn't been properly closed and decided to make a break for freedom. He i...

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You're welcome!

Once upon a time, there was a particularly intelligent sperm cell living inside a particularly large blue whale. From the time it was created, the sperm cell studied diligently and learned a great many things. It read the full text of Wikipedia. It learned languages, history, science. It learned the...

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A Redditor walks into a brothel…

And he sees four doors, the first three have long lines behind them and the fourth has none. He is greeted by a elderly woman. After asking why this brothel was so popular, she explains that it’s because this isn’t just a regular brothel, this is a special brothel! The man takes another look around ...

A man and his wife.

A man goes to confession. He sits in the booth and says "Bless me Father, for I have sinned."

The priest asks him what his sin was.

"Father, I made love to my wife."

The priest is somewhat taken aback, and explains to the man that lovemaking between married couples is permitted ...

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Deaf newlyweds

A deaf couple had just gotten married. They were pretty conservative, so they didn't have sex until their wedding night. Being conservative, the wife insisted they keep the lights off, which made communication in the bedroom a little tough for two deaf people, to say the least.

After the thi...

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Old Mary and Frank have been having some matrimonial issues...

No matter how hard he tries, Frank just can't bring Mary to orgasm anymore.

They decide to visit the doctor for help, because they love each other, in all the ways, and this lack of intimacy is bringing them both down emotionally.

Thankfully the doctor has the answer. He advises Fran...

A fireman decides he needs to spice up his marriage...

...so he tells his wife that he has an idea. He tells her that when he gets home he will announce a 'one alarm.' He will say 'one alarm, one alarm' and they will kiss passionately. Then the firefighter tells her that he will say 'two alarm, two alarm' and they wil take off all of their clothes on th...

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The Bro Quiz (NSFW)

The Bro Quiz

In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
a lovemaking
b screwing
c the pigskin bus pulling into tuna town


You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
a your views about what you e...

A huge muscular man...

walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that the size of an orange. The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, "You know, your physique is really phenomenal, but why is your head so small?"
...

John and Susie just got married.

John and Susie just got married and are spending their honeymoon at a beautiful resort on a fishing lake. For the first 3 days of their getaway, John is spotted by the groundskeeper, fishing all day long. Finally, the groundskeeper decides to approach him.




"Hey there son, I recko...

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A worried woman...[nsfw]

A woman begins dating a new man, and it seems like their relationship is developing well. However, she's worried about the overly large size of her lady orifice. So, she decides to hold off the young man's ardor. She knows she can't wait forever, but she just can't think of what else to do.

F...

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