This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If your wondering whether your going to annoy grammar nazis with your typos

*you are

Long Joke

Ever since he was a little kid, Bob always had one goal in life: to become a train conductor. Finally when he grew up, he achieved his goal and became the conductor of the Happytown train. He was so excited to conduct the train that he decided to see how fast he can go. He went faster and faster unt...

If I had a nickel for every typo I made..

I'd probably have a lot more than 5 sense.

There must be a typo in the "sort by" options

I chose "new" but they're all reposts. Should be "knew" instead

I don'f understand people making typos in their post titles...

Don't they proof read before submitting?

My doctor was telling me that my blood tests had a typo

So I guess it's pretty cool to be a universal donor.

A six year old boy goes to work with his father....

A six year old boy goes to work with his father on a bring your kid to work day.

After about 30 minutes of arriving the kid starts crying loudly, the whole office gathers around.

The father asks his kid "what's the matter son?"

The kid replies "where are all the clowns that yo...

Angela Merkel, Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump are shot during a conference and die...

Up in the sky, they are greeted by Saint Peter who says: ‚You have died. As you are politicians, surely you have sinned. Therefore you must wade through the Swamp of Lies before you can go to Heaven and join Him in eternal happiness.‘

As in her former life, Merkel wants to tackle every challe...

[long] The confession

Hi Bob,

This is Alan next door. I am sorry buddy, but
I have a confession to make to you. I've been riddled
with guilt these past few months and have been trying
to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face,
but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t live with myselfva ...

What's yellow and can be found on the ground?

A yellow string on the ground.
.
What's black and can be found on the ground?
.

It's not a black string you dumbass, it's the shadow of the first strings.

When we see typos and do nothing

the errorists win

Clothing related typos...

They're the vest

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

Ask me a questions and once I've responded, edit that question to a new one to make me look stupid.

I'm having a rough day and I think this could be a fun way to change that!

Between typos and autocorrect it's getting hard to post on /r/jokes...

One tiny mistake and your whole post is urined.

Math problems with typos are so unhealthy

They never workout

What do you call a typo on a tombstone

A grave mistake.

Did ya hear about the lobster that went to the party??

It pulled a mussel

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer

"That'll be five dollars", says the bartender, and the guy throws 20 quarters onto the floor. Reluctantly, the bartender picks up the coins and serves the beer.

The next day, the guy comes into the bar, asks for a beer, throws 20 quarters onto the floor, etc.

The next day, again.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two drunk men walked in to a brothels m (NSFW)

Two piss-drunk men visited a brothel. The madam takes a look at them and tells her manager: Go and put inflatable dolls in their bedrooms. These guys are too drunk to notice.

After finishing their act, on their way back.........
1st drunk: I think my girl was dead as she never made a noi...

Why are there so many typos in Trumps tweets?

Because he’s Russian.

Lord said to Jon "come fourth and receive the holy spirit"

...but John came in fifth and won a toaster.

P.S.- You thought that 'fourth' in the title was a typo, didn't you?

A couple were going on a vacation together but the wife had an emergency at work.

So they agreed the husband would go as planned and his wife would meet him at the hotel the next day.

When the husband got to his hotel and had checked in, he thought he should send his wife a quick email letting her know he'd got there ok.

As he typed in her email address, he made a t...

Interesting misconception regarding Type O Blood

Initially, the medical community referred to it as 'Type Zero' blood, due to the lack of glycoproteins. The term was misinterpreted to what it is today. You could venture as far as saying it's a **typo.**

Frank went to the gym

As he wants to loose weight to get a girlfriend.

The receptionist gave him some promotion pack options of “lose 1kg guaranteed”, “lose 3 kg guaranteed”, “lose 5kg guaranteed” and “lose 10kg guaranteed”. However you must do 1 then 3 then 5 then 10.

He accepted the offer and the receptio...

One typo and suddenly

You wish you were dad

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wanted to get my meat beaten from a cute cop

So i painted it black.

That didn't go too well, I'm in the hospital now with 3 bullet holes in my dick

Liberal people support human rights and the idea that people with disabilities should have equal labor market opportunities.

Now there is a disabled guy in the White House and all they do is compalain about it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Damn girl are you a Reddit user?

Cause when you post a title with a typo you can never fix that shit.

Moist people won’t get this joke...

Reddit hates typos.

So I was standing at a bus station having a smoke

And I was horrified to see the bus leave the bus station without me....

I could have sworn I put the handbrake on!!!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You know the people who find it very important to correct you when you make a typo?

They no longer like to be called "Grammar Nazis." They prefer instead "Alt-Write."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

WW2: an Italian officer, an imperial Japanese officer and a German officer got captured

They all sit in a cell and wait to be interrogated by the Allies.
The German says: "My superior genetics will let me withstand every torture! I won't tell them anything!"
The Japanese says: "I will never dishonor my country and tell them our secrets!"
The Italian says: "I guess I'm fucked."...

There are two typos of people in the world...

... those who proofread, and those who don't.

A man walks down the streets of New York dragging a dead horse.

A passer by sees the scene and intrigued goes and asks "What are you doing dragging a dead horse in the middle of the city streets?"

Man says "Help me cross it the street and I'll tell you."

Passer by helps him out "Now will you tell me?"

Man says "Help me get it up to the 5th f...

Husband: "Will you marry me after I die?"

Wife: "No I will live with my sister."



Wife: "Now will YOU marry after I die?"

Husband: "No I will also live with your sister."

Did you hear about the two criminals who stole a calendar?

They both got 6 months.

P.S this is my first ever post! Please be nice!

Sorry for the typo

Statistics say the in relationships, 1 out of every 3 people is unfaithful

Now I just need to figure out if that’s my wife or my girlfriend

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the bible correctly:

**"A man who lays with another man should be stoned."** [Leviticus 20:13 esv]






Edit1: a typo


Edit2: thanks for the gold humorous stranger!

What’s my blod type?

Typo

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian....

.... an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Camer...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a band conductor who also right songs in North Korea

Sorry for the typo in the title but..

His name was Pok. He was quite famous in the industry so one day, Kim Jong Un approached him.

“Pok, write me an orchestra piece and play it for me with your group”, said Kim. Pok did, after a month, the private show was held.

Sadly, it was s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This guy walks into a bar and orders a rhum and coke

The bartender says I got something similar, here’s an apple

Guy: that’s an apple?! I asked for a rhum and coke

Bartender: just have a bite

Guy: WOW! it tastes like rhum!!!

Bartender: turn it around

Guy turns it around and bites: WOW tastes like coke!! Rhum n coke!...

Bernie Sanders joins list of 2020 Democratic Presidential candidates.

Err sorry, typo. That should be:
Bernie Sanders joins list of 2,020 Democratic Presidential candidates.

My wife keeps telling me I'n the cheapest person she ever met.

I'm not buying it.

Every time you make a typo...

the errorists win

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mean Drunk!

One day two guys go to a bar on the 100th floor of a building. It's a pretty fancy and famous place you'd go to tick it off the bucket list. A drunk approaches them

Drunk: You know what I can do, do ya?

Man1: Ummm, we want no trouble mister.

D: Nonsense no trouble I just wanted ...

Did you hear about the chemist who was arrested?

He threw sodium chloride at his wife, that's a salt!

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year old woman because she had just gotten married for the 4th time in her life.

The interviewer was asking her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.

The lady tells him that her new husband is a funeral director.

"Interesting," the newsman thinks....

He then asks her if she ...

My grandfather died because his medical report said he had Type A blood.

Unfortunately it was a Typo.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A millionaire wants his daughter to marry...

So he decideds to host a competition for a small town nearby.
"To any man who can swim across this Piranha infested pool of water unharmed, may have my daughter's hand in marriage."
20 men line up next to the pool and stand there to scared to move. Suddenly a man jumps into the water and is sw...

If you’re genetically predisposed to spelling and grammar errors, does that mean you’re…

…typo positive?

She texted me: "Your adorable."

I replied: "No. You're adorable."

Now she likes me. All I did was correct her typo.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman is sitting alone at a bar when a man approaches her and asks her "Do you wash your pannts with Windex?"

"Uh... no. Why?"

"Because I can see myself in them".

She rolls her eyes, dismisses him and goes back to her drink. A few minutes later another man approaches her. "Do you have a map?"

"Ugh, let me guess... you're getting lost in my eyes? Sorry, heard it before." Dejected, ...

Oldie but goldie

A large group of Russian soldiers in the border area in 1939 are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a small hill:
"One Finnish soldier is better than ten Russian".
The Russian commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the hill where Upon a gun-battle breaks out a...

TIL Type O blood was actually meant to be Type Zero blood, due to lack of glycoproteins in the red blood cells. It was misread as type "O".

I guess you can call it a typo.

Einstein vs an Indian

Disclaimer: **No Offence!**

Einstein & an Indian are sitting next to each other on a long flight...

Einstein says: "Let's play a game...I will ask you a question, if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5 and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500..."

Einstei...

Three christian missionaries stumble upon a cannibal tribe in a tropical jungle

They are immediately captured, and taken back to the village.



The first missionary is brought in front of the chief, who amazingly speaks good English.

He tells the first missionary, "head out into the jungle, find a single fruit, and bring ten of its kind back. Don't think of ...

Mahatma Ghandi...

... walked around barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

That’s right- he was a.super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

The best beer in the world

An American, a Duchman and an Irishman walked into a bar. Ill have a Budweiser, the best beer in the world, said the American. Ill have a Heineken, said the Dutchman, the ONLY beer in the world. The Irishman yawned and said, Oh, I guess Ill just have a glass of water like these girls are having.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple is walking down the street...

When one of them hit the other one butt.

\- ¡Ehi! ¡that was my ass!

\- Well, thats not that bad... consider it might have been not yours...



(not native english, hope the translation is good enough)

I was at the blood clinic...

I said "I keep typing letters out of order"
The nurse said "I'm not surprised, we've checked your blood, you're typo positive"

How many potatoes does it take to make a potato pancake?

A latke!

(I removed a typo from my first submission and reposted this joke, sorry if you saw it twice.)

Why is the d silent in Wednesday?

Cause on hump day you're already getting the D.

In used to work out a lot in the gym

But I got sick of the long weights

A priest and a rabbit walk into a bar

The bartender says "I think someone has made a typo here."

A Free Ride

Mark and his wife Marcie went to the State Fair every year. Every year Mark would say, "Marcie, I'd like to ride in that airplane." And every year Marice would say, "I know, Mark, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

This year Mark and Marcie went to the ...

Yo mama so ugly

She went into a haunted house and came out with a paycheque

The Post Office has been mis-delivering mails lately...

...this issue has to be seriously addressed.

A woodsman walks into the woods

He finds a nice tree to chop down, and upon taking his axe the tree cries out
"WAIT! IM A MAGICAL TALKING TREE, DONT CUT ME DOWN"
He said "You maybe a talking tree but you will dialouge."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple who lived together decided to separate after getting into a fight

They had two donkeys. So the man said: “okay we’ll split them. Each gets one. To tell them apart I’ll cut a piece of mines ear. That one is mine. The other ones yours”
So they do. Their neighbor, who didn’t like them much decided he’d go to the woman’s donkey and cut of its ear so they won’t be ...

A guy dressed as a Chicken for Halloween finds a girl dressed as an egg.

Apparently the answer is Chicken.



(Edit: Typo)

A wife called her husband and asked how to unfreeze her Windows

A wife called her husband and asked how to unfreeze her Windows

Wife: Honey, my Windows are frozen, and I need to get to work.

Husband: Ok, go grab my rubber hammer, or try putting some hot water on them.

Wife: Ok, I'll try that and call you back when I'm done.


5 mi...

I realized that Oprah is one of the few celebrities to live up to her name.

Because her audience members Winfrey stuff.

***I reposted because of typo in title.

Did you hear about the math teacher who’s afraid of imaginary numbers?

Neither did *i*.

 

 

^^^^^Edit: fixed typo.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

XX for Female XY for male, but why is there XXX for porn star?

It’s because of all the extra DNA in them

Edit: Not enough people were getting it. It because they are full of semen.

A religious woman works in an epidemiology lab...

One day, she sets up two agar plates, and swabs the first with smallpox. Remembering how dangerous her line of work is, she touches the crucifix around her neck and says a quick prayer.

She gets a new pair of gloves, then swabs some Ebola onto the other plate, but not before again tapping her...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My doctor was having trouble writing my prescription

I said: "Doctor, you've got a rectal thermometer in your hand!"

He replied: "Dammit! Some asshole's got my pen!"


Deleted and reposting myself due to a typo in the title

My girlfriend left me after I became blind

I cannot see her anymore...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Destination Pittsburgh

Three priests were heading to Pittsburgh. The youngest priest, knowing he was most connected to the secular world, offered to get the tickets.

Upon arriving at the counter, the noticed the cashier was wearing a low low top and a short short skirt. His heart fluttered a moment...

“Yes ...

Some puns

•    How does Moses make tea ?   Hebrews it. 


•    England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

   
•    They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo. 

   
•    I changed my iPod's name to Titanic.  It's syncing now. 

   
•    I know a guy ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nazi's fight a lot of adversity.

*Diversity*. Sorry, typo.

I never misspell words.

My blood is typo negative

People with which blood type tend to misspell things?

TypO

A Texan, Donald Trump, and a New Mexican are walking along when they stumble upon a gold lamp...

They all immediately grab for it, and each get a hand on it.

As they each struggle to take it from the other two, a genie pops out. The genie says, "You have woken me from my slumber, and I shall give you three wishes. Since you each have a hand on the lamp, you will get one wish a piece."...

What instrument to introverts like the most?

Double basses, because they're very low-key.

What kind of blood did the mna have who culdn't spel right?

Typo.

What's the difference between Melania Trump and the FBI?

The FBI is still coming for President Trump.

(Fixed the typo...)

A man dies ...

A man dies. When he arrives at the gates of Heaven, Saint Peter is welcoming him. The saint started to walk him throug heavens, where he could eat, sleep, and all the other pleasures heaven has to offer. At one point, they reached a room full of clocks. Most of them were moving, but all on a differe...

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a Soviet Russian are admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.

The Frenchman says, "They must be French; they're naked and they're eating fruit."
The Englishman says, "Clearly, they're English; observe how politely the woman is offering the fruit to the man."
The Russian replies, "No, they are Russian communist, of course. They have no house, little to...

A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe.

A Mathematician, a Biologist, and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street.

First, they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three people coming out of the house.
...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.