A friend of mine is convinced that Van Gogh painted the Mona Lisa.

I just don't have the 'art to correct him.

If Milhouse and Lisa have a boy...

He'll be the simp's son.

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What do call the Mona Lisa having an Orgasm?

The Moan-a Lisa

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[NSFW] Lisa, one of the regulars at church enters the confession booth to confess her sins.

Lisa:"Forgive me father, for I have sinned"

Priest: "Don't worry my child. Tell me what happend."

Lisa: "Two days ago I met a guy"

Priest: "And?"

Lisa: "He was very sweet and such a gentleman..*

Priest: "So?"

Lisa: "Well we kissed and he started to touch me...

What happened when the cast of 'Friends' were stuck out at sea in a life raft?

They were fine, because Lisa Kudrow

Did you hear about who went to DMX’s funeral?

There was Brenda, LaTisha (uh), Linda, Felicia (okay)
Dawn, LeShaun, Ines, and Alicia (ooh)
Theresa, Monica, Sharron, Nicki (uh-huh)
Lisa, Veronica, Karen, Vicky (damn)
Cookie, well I met her in a ice cream parlor (aight?)
Tonya, Dianne, Lori and Carla (okay)
Marina (uh) Selena (uh...

One day, Johnny comes home from school and asks his mother, "Mommy, how was I born?"

"The stork brought you here," says the mother.

"And how were my brother Joel and my sister Emily born?"

"The stork brought them, too."

"And how were you born?"

"The stork also brought me."

"Did the stork also bring Uncle George and Aunt Ruth and Cousin Evan and Cou...

The lone brunette in a family of blondes, Tamara, returns home from her first semester at university.

Her family was super excited to see her, especially her younger sister, Lisa. Tamara was the first person in the family to go to university and she had a million questions for her.

When they finally got some time alone, Lisa began peppering Tamara with questions.

“What was your favor...

The Teacher instructed her class to create a sentence with the words; defense, defeat and detail.

Little Lisa, who was normally a very quiet and reclusive child immediately jumped and waved her hand excitedly. Thinking a breakthrough was imminent, she picked Lisa first. Lisa recited; The cat jumped over defense. Defeat went first, detail went last.

The cast of “Friends” got stuck at sea in a boat, but thankfully nothing happened.

Because Lisa Kudrow and David was a good Schwimmer

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Lisa has 750 friends on Facebook. A week later she adds 150 more to her friends list. What does she have?

Huge tits.


Stolen from sickipedia but I have seen it 5 times and it still makes me smile, just wanted to share

Why did the 'Friends' boat team make Courtney Cox?

Because Lisa Kudrow.

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Of course trump will challenge the results. He will not take no for an answer.

Just ask Ivana trump, Jill hearth, Jean carrol, summer zervos, alva Johnson, Jessica leeds, Kristen Anderson, Lisa boyne, Cathy heller, temple McDowell, Amy dorris, Karena Virginia, karen Johnson, mindy mcgillivary, Jennifer Murphy, Rachael crooks, Natasha stoynoff, juillet huddy, Jessica drake, nin...

I used to be really turned on by The Mona Lisa

But then somebody else came in the picture

Little Lisa came home and told her mother she got $5 from the boys to climb a tree

Her mother smiled and said: “They only wanted to peek at your panties under your dress.”

“I know”, said Lisa, “But I fooled them. I took off my panties before I climbed!”

Why did Mona Lisa plead innocent in court?

She was framed

My ex is like the Mona Lisa

It's not that she is pretty or anything, but I would be ecstatic if I came home to find her hanging in the living room

What did Tommy Wiseau say to his wife when she was making pulled pork?

You're tearing meat apart Lisa!

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My dick is like the Mona Lisa

Small and disappointing in person

So apparently a reporter made the Mona Lisa laugh.

I read it in an art-tickle.

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Twelve-year-old Timmy was talking with his classmate, Lisa...

Timmy: "Hey Lisa, I'll give you a dollar if we can go in the closet and you let me stick my finger in your belly button."

Lisa: "Okay."

They go into the dark closet.

Lisa: "Hey Timmy! That's not my belly button!"

Timmy: "That's okay. That's not my finger."

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Frank takes his hot blind date, Heather, to an amusement park.

Frank and Heather agree that Heather should decide on the first thing to do, then Frank, then Heather, then Frank and so on.

"What do you want to do first?" asks Frank. "I want to get weighed," replies Heather.

So Frank takes Heather to the weight guesser. "Let me guess," says the weig...

What's the difference between Jesus and the Mona Lisa?

Takes **ONE** nail to hang the Mona Lisa.

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A train hits a bus full of Catholic highschool girls

They all arrive at the pearly gates, waiting in line to enter heaven.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Mary, have you ever had any contact with a penis?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "Well, dip the tip of your f...

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Person 1: I always get the guy who made The Thinker confused with the guy who painted the Mona Lisa.

Person 2: How could you say that, they’re nothing alike!

Person 1: Yea, well, fuck you and horse you Da Vinci on.

Johnny was a bright, charming boy

and he was even fairly good-looking. The only problem was that he had lost his eye in a fishing accident when he was younger. They were too poor to afford a glass eye, so his father made him a wooden one.

He was made fun of all through school for his eye and it completely destroyed his self e...

Lisa: Mom don't do the dishes! It's your birthday!

Mom: That's so sweet of you to say Lisa!

Lisa: You can do them tomorrow

The Mona Lisa was arrested for loitering today

But it wasn't her fault, she was framed.

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Pornstar Lisa Ann has retired...

I wonder if she read her contract and realised she was getting screwed...

Where did little Lisa go after she got hit by a truck?

Everywhere.

I went to the doctor with hearing problems

He said "Can you describe the symptoms?"

I said "Homer is fat, Lisa is smart and Marge has blue hair"

Hundreds of years after their deaths, Galileo, Leonardo Da Vinci, and Marco Polo are walking in heaven and decide to have a conversation with Jesus...

Galileo says, “Jesus, I’ve been thinking about my past life on Earth, and I wanted to know what I am remembered for all these years later.”

Jesus pauses and replies, “Galileo, you are remembered as the Father of Modern Physics. By being one of the first to apply mathematics to motion, you le...

Someone accused the Mona Lisa of killing a man.

But I think she's been framed

A priest was talking to a group of kids about "being good" and going to heaven.

At the end of his talk, he asked, "Where do you want to go?"

"Heaven! Heaven!" Yelled Little Lisa.

"And what do you have to be to get there?" asked the priest.

"Dead!" Yelled Little Johnny.

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Two friends meet after a long time...

Two friends meet after a long time. One of them asks the other:
"How's your sexlife?"
He responds: "Pretty crazy actually, i'm doing it with twins".
"Wow", the first one says, "isn't this complicated? How do you tell the two apart?"

"Oh that's easy, Lisa has a birthmark on her thigh ...

Moms being Moms

*Issac Newton's mother--* "But did you wash the apple before eating it?"

*Archimedes's mother--* "Didn't you have any shame running naked in the street from? And, WHO is this girl Eureka???”

*Thomas Edison's mother--* Of course I am proud that you invented the electric bulb. Now tu...

Honey I get a feeling you discriminating one of our children...

Which one? Dave, Lisa or the ugly one?

The son wanna date a neighbour

\- Dad, can I date Lisa next door?

\- No, she is your sister.

\- How about Anna in block 59?

\- No, she is your little sister.

\- Ok, this is weird. How about Karen the waitress? Can I date her or is she my sister too?

\- No, she is your brother.

The upset s...

The Art Thief

The Art Theif

A French man goes into the Louvre’s parking with his van. He gets out and goes inside. He sneaks pass guards, gets through barbed wire, avoids lasers and in front of him there is the Mona Lisa. He takes it and manages to get back to his van. When he goes into his van and leaves ...

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One day, a teacher decided she wanted to have her first graders use "grown-up" words.

Teacher: "Ok class, what did you do this weekend?"

Lisa: "I saw a choo-choo!"

Teacher: "No Lisa, you saw a train. Remember, we're using grown-up words! What about you, Johnny?

Johnny: "I read a book!"

Teacher: "Really? What book did you read?"

Johnny: "Winnie the s...

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A teacher asked the kids what sounds they heard on the field trip to the farm...

Bobby said, "MOO!!!"

Lisa said "OINK"

Tommy said "GET OFF THAT FUCKING TRACTOR!!"

Jennifer Aniston can't sail

But Lisa Kudrow

What's Michael Jackson's favorite painting?

The Sha-Mona Lisa.

People keep telling me to change

But that would be like painting over the Mona Lisa

Little Johnny gets a splinter

Not mine, heard it years back. I hope it hasn't been posted in some time.


One day little Johnny is climbing a tree in his backyard when he gets a splinter. Moving as fast as he can, he runs into the house screaming for his mother.


"Mommy! Mommy! Help! Help! I need cider, quic...

The class had to write a short, rhyming, two-lines poem as homework.

Lisa stands up and proudly recites :



*Yesterday, my Dad and I we went to town*

*And I got a nice blue bike of my own.*



"That's a lovely poem, Lisa!" says the teacher.

Now it's Timmy's turn. He stands up and recites theatrically :



*When octob...

An Italian and A Greek debate culture.

An Italian and a Greek are debating the intellectual and cultural values of their respective countries. The Greek scoffs, "You Italians learned everything you know from us Greeks. For instance, we came up with the Classical Pantheon." The Italian replies, "Yes, but we improved upon everything you di...

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Grown-Up Words

It was Monday morning in Ms. Green's kindergarten class, and the children were taking turns telling the class how they spent their weekend.

Adam raised his hand and said, "I went on a choo-choo!"

Ms. Green replied, "Very nice Adam, but let's try to use grown-up words. You went on a *t...

I went boating with cast of friends the other day...

None of them could use an oar, but Lisa Kudrow.

Sorry.

I just got fired for looking up clown videos on my lunch break.

My boss didn't buy that "Lisa Ann gets creampied" is a clown video

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So there's this guy named Jim, and he moves into a new neighborhood in California.

Looking for a fresh start, Jim gets a well-paying job and moves to the suburbs. Weeks turn to months and months turn to years, and slowly but surely Jim builds a new life with a new routine. Every Monday at 5:30 he goes from work to the grocery store, and gets home from the grocery store at 7.
<...

Loose Church Women

“Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have not been to confession for six months. On top of that, I’ve been with a loose woman.”

The priest sighs. “Is that you, little Tommy O’Shaughnessy?”

“Yes, Father, ’tis I.”

“And who might be the woman you were with?”

“I shan’t be t...

What's Hillary Clinton's favorite work of art?

Pneumonia Lisa

"Bevky I feel like you're treating one of your kids worse than the others"

"What ? Which one do you mean ? Tommy, Lisa or the fat one ?"

Oprah said she might run for president, and it started a conversation about who would run against Trump. But we already know who becomes president after Trump ...

Lisa Simpson

My cousin has 2 tickets for the super bowl and paid $2500 for each ticket.

he didnt realize last year it was going to be the day of his wedding.

If interested he is looking for someone to take his place.

Her name is Lisa Phillips 35, about 140lbs, a good cook, She'll be in white

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The teacher asks her class for some examples of medicines tgey use at home

Little Kevin promptly raises his hands and says, "Tylenol! For headaches!"

The teacher says, "Very good, Kevin, anyone else?"

Little Lisa answers from the back, "Um, Ambien, my Mom tells me it helps her sleep...?"

The teacher smiles at her and says, "Good job, Lisa," then turns ...

Guys, if anyone is interested, a friend of mine got an invitation to the 2017 Berlin Marathon for Christmas. But it's the same day of his wedding. So if anyone wants (and is able) to go, everything is paid.

St. Mary's church @ 6pm. Bride's name is Lisa.
Just go there, get married and you're done.

What do you call a woman who rents out hot dogs?

Lisa Frank

My wife pulled this one on me the other day

My wife: you know Mona Lisa
Me: yeah?
My Wife: well before she met me she was just Lisa

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Johnny the pottymouth

Johnny was in kindergarten and he just loved swearing, and all of the teachers hated him because of it. One day in class they are learning about the alphabet. The teacher starts with A and asked the class if they know any words that start with the letter A, Johnny raises his hand and the teacher thi...

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