What's the difference between Jesus and the Mona Lisa?

Takes **ONE** nail to hang the Mona Lisa.

So apparently a reporter made the Mona Lisa laugh.

I read it in an art-tickle.

My ex is like the Mona Lisa It’s not that she is pretty or anything,

but I would be overjoyed if I came home to find her hanging in the living room.

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My dick is like the Mona Lisa

Small and disappointing in person

Lisa: Mom don't do the dishes! It's your birthday!

Mom: That's so sweet of you to say Lisa!

Lisa: You can do them tomorrow

Why did the Mona Lisa commit murder?

She never did, she was just framed!

I like my women to be like the Mona Lisa...

Her dad's not in the picture.

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Lisa has 750 friends on Facebook. A week later she adds 150 more to her friends list. What does she have?

Huge tits.


Stolen from sickipedia but I have seen it 5 times and it still makes me smile, just wanted to share

The Mona Lisa was arrested for loitering today

But it wasn't her fault, she was framed.

The class had to write a short, rhyming, two-lines poem as homework.

Lisa stands up and proudly recites :

​

*Yesterday, my Dad and I we went to town*

*And I got a nice blue bike of my own.*

​

"That's a lovely poem, Lisa!" says the teacher.

Now it's Timmy's turn. He stands up and recites theatrically :...

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Twelve-year-old Timmy was talking with his classmate, Lisa...

Timmy: "Hey Lisa, I'll give you a dollar if we can go in the closet and you let me stick my finger in your belly button."

Lisa: "Okay."

They go into the dark closet.

Lisa: "Hey Timmy! That's not my belly button!"

Timmy: "That's okay. That's not my finger."

Where did little Lisa go after she got hit by a truck?

Everywhere.

Someone accused the Mona Lisa of killing a man.

But I think she's been framed

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So Lisa said she wanted to be friends with benefits

Where's my dental plan, you slut?

(source, college humor)

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Pornstar Lisa Ann has retired...

I wonder if she read her contract and realised she was getting screwed...

People keep telling me to change

But that would be like painting over the Mona Lisa

Jennifer Aniston tragically drowned in the middle of a lake this morning despite boats lining the shore...

...if only Lisa Kudrow.

Parents: Never call people names, okay?

Johnny: Got it

[later as an adult]

Her: Hi I’m Lisa

Johnny: Nice to meet you, human

"Bevky I feel like you're treating one of your kids worse than the others"

"What ? Which one do you mean ? Tommy, Lisa or the fat one ?"

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9 years of marriage and 3 kids

There is this family with 3 kids over 9 years of marriage, the parents both work and did everything possible to grow up their kids properly, they have been so busy that they didn’t had sex for a long time. One day husband talks to the wife about this: “Lisa, the last time we had sex we had just 2 ki...

What's Michael Jackson's favorite painting?

The Sha-Mona Lisa.

Little Johnny gets a splinter

Not mine, heard it years back. I hope it hasn't been posted in some time.


One day little Johnny is climbing a tree in his backyard when he gets a splinter. Moving as fast as he can, he runs into the house screaming for his mother.


"Mommy! Mommy! Help! Help! I need cider, quic...

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One day, a teacher decided she wanted to have her first graders use "grown-up" words.

Teacher: "Ok class, what did you do this weekend?"

Lisa: "I saw a choo-choo!"

Teacher: "No Lisa, you saw a train. Remember, we're using grown-up words! What about you, Johnny?

Johnny: "I read a book!"

Teacher: "Really? What book did you read?"

Johnny: "Winnie the s...

I went boating with cast of friends the other day...

None of them could use an oar, but Lisa Kudrow.

Sorry.

Oprah said she might run for president, and it started a conversation about who would run against Trump. But we already know who becomes president after Trump ...

Lisa Simpson

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Grown-Up Words

It was Monday morning in Ms. Green's kindergarten class, and the children were taking turns telling the class how they spent their weekend.

Adam raised his hand and said, "I went on a choo-choo!"

Ms. Green replied, "Very nice Adam, but let's try to use grown-up words. You went on a *t...

An Italian and A Greek debate culture.

An Italian and a Greek are debating the intellectual and cultural values of their respective countries. The Greek scoffs, "You Italians learned everything you know from us Greeks. For instance, we came up with the Classical Pantheon." The Italian replies, "Yes, but we improved upon everything you di...

My cousin has 2 tickets for the super bowl and paid $2500 for each ticket.

he didnt realize last year it was going to be the day of his wedding.

If interested he is looking for someone to take his place.

Her name is Lisa Phillips 35, about 140lbs, a good cook, She'll be in white

There's a knock at the door...

And a young woman opens it to see a man with no arms or legs sitting on her doorstep.

"Yes? Can I help you?"

The man says "I'm sorry, I think I have the wrong house. I was looking for Lisa."

The young woman says "Well, I'm Amanda, Lisa's roommate. What is this about?"

The...

What did Tommy Wiseau say when he tried pegging for the first time?

"You're tearing me apart Lisa!"

I came across an interesting piece at The Louvre today...

Mona Lisa didn't look very impressed while I was wiping it all off.

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So there's this guy named Jim, and he moves into a new neighborhood in California.

Looking for a fresh start, Jim gets a well-paying job and moves to the suburbs. Weeks turn to months and months turn to years, and slowly but surely Jim builds a new life with a new routine. Every Monday at 5:30 he goes from work to the grocery store, and gets home from the grocery store at 7.
<...

I just got fired for looking up clown videos on my lunch break.

My boss didn't buy that "Lisa Ann gets creampied" is a clown video

Loose Church Women

“Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have not been to confession for six months. On top of that, I’ve been with a loose woman.”

The priest sighs. “Is that you, little Tommy O’Shaughnessy?”

“Yes, Father, ’tis I.”

“And who might be the woman you were with?”

“I shan’t be t...

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The teacher asks her class for some examples of medicines tgey use at home

Little Kevin promptly raises his hands and says, "Tylenol! For headaches!"

The teacher says, "Very good, Kevin, anyone else?"

Little Lisa answers from the back, "Um, Ambien, my Mom tells me it helps her sleep...?"

The teacher smiles at her and says, "Good job, Lisa," then turns ...

What's Hillary Clinton's favorite work of art?

Pneumonia Lisa

Guys, if anyone is interested, a friend of mine got an invitation to the 2017 Berlin Marathon for Christmas. But it's the same day of his wedding. So if anyone wants (and is able) to go, everything is paid.

St. Mary's church @ 6pm. Bride's name is Lisa.
Just go there, get married and you're done.

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Not sure if this is the right place for this but it was suggested I cross-post here (from ShittyPoetry). So here's my holiday story, 'Twas The Night Before Fapmas. Enjoy!

'Twas the night before Fapmas, alone in my house

One hand on my penis, the other on the mouse

Her stockings were drawn up to her tight thighs with care

And above her lady bits she had shaved off her hair

The actress was disrobed all bare on her bed

When entered a h...

What do you call a woman who rents out hot dogs?

Lisa Frank

My wife pulled this one on me the other day

My wife: you know Mona Lisa
Me: yeah?
My Wife: well before she met me she was just Lisa

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A man on his deathbed...

A man on his deathbed is sensing his time in this world is waning so he calls his immediate family to come visit him at once. His two sons, James and Mark, and his wife Lisa. His family is standing over him in his weakened state, and he says to Mark "As my oldest son, I bequeath to you the condos by...

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Since it's National Talk Like a Pirate Day, here you go

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"

"Arrh – Not at ‘tall." the pirate replies, "I be fine." The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Arrh!," says the pirate,...

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