Lifting Jokes - 32 Hilarious Lifting Jokes

I try working out by lifting dictionaries...

I've been told that's how you get definition.

Recently, i decided to quit my job at the construction place because i couldn't deal with the heavy lifting.

I gave them my too weak notice yesterday.

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What do you get when you cross Willy Wonka with stolen fizzy lifting drinks?

You get *NOTHING*! *YOU LOSE*! *GOOD DAY, SIR*!

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[NSFW] A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.

On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.

"Well sister, this looks pretty grim."

"I know, father." "In fact, I don't think it l...

Weight lifting sheep

Really raises the bahhhh

Why was the weight lifter upset after lifting a case of Coke?

It was just soda pressing.

What's the difference between a rabbit lifting weights and a rabbit with a flower up it's nose?

Ones a Fit Bunny

The other is a Bit Funny

Two burly, muscular men are in the gym, lifting weights...

One says to the other, "When I get home, I'm gonna rip my wife's undies off!"

The other says, "Why's that?"

The first finishes, "Cause the elastic is killing me."

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My doctor told me "No heavy lifting."

Looks like I'll be sitting down to piss for a while.

Lifting weights changed my life. I dropped 25 pounds...

Right on my big toe. It’s broken now I can hardly walk

A guy tried lifting 40 pound dumbbells

"This is too much." He decided.

He spent his money on cheaper dumbbells

A guy was driving down the road when he saw a farmer lifting a pig up to a tree to eat apples

Confused, and curious, the guy pulls over to watch as the farmer picked up pig after pig and held them up to the tree to eat an apple.

The man finally decided to speak up and asked the farmer “wouldn’t it save a lot of time if you shook the tree so the apples fell on the ground and the pigs j...

I rented some heavy lifting equipment in Kiev

from a company called You Crane.

I’ve spent a month lifting and I still haven’t gotten stronger

I guess it’s not working out

I was going to make a joke about lifting the mask mandate in Texas

but it's too soon.

What do you call a row of people lifting mozzarella?

##

A cheesy pick up line.

What do you call weight lifting on Wall Street?

Capital gains

When it comes to choosing between weight lifting or cardio workouts, I always choose cardio.

Cause it helps me in the long run ;)

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting

When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"
She replied, "A can of peaches."

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches, and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.
She replied, "6."...

A guy and his girlfriend are lifting 1-pound weights together.

He turns to her and says, "Babe, I don't think this is working out."

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Steve dates a girl for the first time

Unfortunately, he doesn't know anything about sex, so he fears that it could get serious

Desperate he asks his friend Tom, a real Casanova, for some tips

Tom thinks for a little bit and says:
"Alright, if you want to please a girl, its all about movement. Let's do an exercise!"
<...

There's an easy way to distinguish different clans of Scotsmen just by lifting their kilts...

...if they're packing a quarter pounder under there, they're a McDonald.

Why did the diabetic win the weight lifting competition?

Because he was so good at pumping.

A dad was depressed, so he went to the liquor store

He bought some whiskey, and tequila

When he got home, he set them on the table

His son immediately picked up both bottles

The dad asks "What are you doing?!"

The son responds "You were sad, so I'm lifting your spirits"

What do men do standing up and women do sitting down and dogs do by lifting one leg?

Shake hands, of course!

If you see results after exercising and lifting weights does that mean it’s...

...working out?

Does heavy lifting make you dumb?

Yes
Cause counting to 10 has never been this hard before

Why was the Pepsi crying while lifting weights?

Because he was soda-pressing

If I ever go to prison, I'm going to start lifting weights

So I can be the powerhouse of the cell

Moses and Jesus are sitting in a boat on a lake.

Moses turns to Jesus and says, “You know, I wonder if I’ve still got it.” He stands up and spreads his arms out wide. On command, the waters of the lake part, and the boat settles on the ground. He brings his arms back in, and the water comes rushing back, lifting the boat back to the surface.
<...

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There were three hellions in a class

They were so bad that teachers kept quitting. The principle got so frustrated she hire a retired female marine Sargent to teach the class and gave her authority to go whatever it took to control the three kids. The first day of the school year she walks into the class room and asks the three to step...

Been lifting weights without much results. Saw a super ripped trainer at the gym and asked him how he got so jacked . . .

He paused and then said 'Let me show you the whey'.

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