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Lemons Jokes

What do you call it when lemons and limes tell lies?

Pulp fiction!

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I had sex with two lemons

The doctor told me I have lemonades

Tell me, Sherlock, where do lemons come from?

A lemon tree, dear Watson.

What's a lemons worst nightmare?

Lemonaids

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A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception.

She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said,”Children, I’d like you to close your eyes and taste these.”
The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.
“I’ll give you a hint,” said t...

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If life gives you lemons…

you better hope it gives you sugar and water too because otherwise lemonade tastes like shit.

Sherlock Holmes constructs an entire door out of lemons

Watson approaches him and asks why he did that

Sherlock replied “ Lemon entry dear Watson”

What's the difference between a bipolar person and a loft full of lemons?

One's a bit erratic and the other's a bitter attic.

Man to his priest: “Yesterday I sinned with an 18 year old girl”

The priest: “Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.”

Man: “And that frees me from my sin?”

Priest: “No, but it frees your face from that dirty grin.”

If life gives you lemons...

Apply it on your hair, it's good for preventing dandruff.

"Do Lemons Whistle?"

A drunk goes up to his host at a party and says with that terrible seriousness of totally plastered adults and very small children, "Excuse Me."

The host turns around and there is the drunk, just plastered and glassy eyed, completely out of it. The host thinking there is something wrong says,...

A young Irish girl goes to confession...

...and says, “Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

The priest replies, “Go ahead, my child.”

“Well”, she says, “Last night I made love to me boyfriend... FIVE TIMES! And it was GLORIOUS, Father. He made me tingle all over, and I swear it was as though I was seein’ the stars in my passio...

My roommates have very strong opinions about lemons

One says lemons are the worst type of citrus.

One says lemons are the absolute best.

Both call them "sublime."

When life gives you lemons

Freeze them and throw them as hard as you can at the people making your life difficult

“I only like lemons,”

Tom said zestfully

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A man approaches a priest. “Bless me father, for I have sinned,” he says.

“I’ve spent the week with seven beautiful women.”

“Do not fret, my son,” says the priest. “All you need to do is take seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass and drink the juice.”

“Will that cleanse my sin from me?”

“No, but it’ll wipe that fuckin’ smile off your face.”

Lemons are not perfect

They’re just sublime

If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade.

And try to find somebody who's life gives them vodka, and have a party.

When life gives you lemons

Shove them up you ass, because the only thing life gives me is problems.

Purple lemon

So this little boy is in the playground when some bullies come along, and they say to him:

“Hey, purple lemon, you suck!”

And the boy doesn’t know what a purple lemon is, so he asks. And the bullies say:

“Well, you’ll just have to ask a teacher then, won’t you?”

And so h...

Whenever I asked for something, my life gave me lemons

That explains my acidity problems

Life has never given me lemons

It has given me anger issues, anxiety, stress, a love for alcohol, and a serious dislike for stupid people

French sense of humor

So me (not a German, but was living in Germany those days) and a colleague (who is French and lives in France too) were "on-site" in Austria visiting a customer. After the work day was over we went to a nearby farmer's market just for a stroll. We saw some lovely and cheap lemons there and I wanted ...

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When life gives you lemons...

Get a job and stop worrying abt ur fuckin’ lemons

when life gives you lemons...

you force baby's to eat them for entertainment

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When life hands you lemons, do not have sex with them.

That's how you get LemonAIDS.

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" ...

How are synagogues like lemons?

They're full of acidic juice.

When life gives you lemons...

Peel one of the lemons in front of the others... You know, to send a message.

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Why is it better to smell roses and lemons than poop?

It’s just plain common scents.

I heard recently they'd made a new material out of lemons and tea leaves

They're calling it the Arnold Polymer

Sherlock and Watson are browsing the market, when they come across a stall selling lemons.

"I wonder," says Watson, picking up a lemon and examining it closely. "Exactly where do these fruits come from?"

"Well," says Sherlock, plucking the lemon out of Watson's hands. "It's a lemon tree, my dear Watson."

Well my father always told me, "when life gives you lemons,

chances are you're in the fruit aisle and shouldn't overthink the situation

What do you call a medical treatment based on lemons?

Lemonade.

What do you call a Jewish person that loves lemons?

An Acidic Jew.

How do you change wine to urine and lemons to demons?

Cursive

(Joke 8yo made at dinner) What do give to sick lemons?

First Lemon-aid.

What's the name for the emergency service for lemons?

Lemonade

What happens to Germans when they eat too many lemons?

They become sour krauts.

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A man goes to confession (NSFW)

The man sits down and hears a voice:

Priest: "Tell me my child why are you here?"

Man: "I've done some terrible things and I'd like to ask for forgiveness."

Priest: "Go on my child."

Man: "I have taken the Lord's name in vain on multiple occasions, I stole money from my s...

What did the dyslexic man do when life gave him lemons?

He made melon-ade

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