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There is a new female organ player at a small church...

She is a beautiful woman, but there is a problem: her ample bosom is causing an issue with the men in the church. While playing the organ, her breasts bounce and sway. Men in the church are getting distracted and many get in trouble with their wives for gazing longingly at her.

An old woman ...

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When life hands you lemons...

Squirt ‘em on your dick before sex to indicate any lesions.

If life gives you lemons...

Apply it on your hair, it's good for preventing dandruff.

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A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception.

She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said,”Children, I’d like you to close your eyes and taste these.”
The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.
“I’ll give you a hint,” said t...

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so ...

[LONG] A Man walks into a bar.

A short man, with thick glasses, a calculator in is breast pocket, a huge notebook tucked under his arm, and a pencil behind his ears, walks into a bar.

At this bar they have a contest. On the bar counter is a large jar filled with 100s of dollars, and next to it is a basket of lemons.
...

What happens when life gives you pickles instead of lemons?

You dill with it.

"Do Lemons Whistle?"

A drunk goes up to his host at a party and says with that terrible seriousness of totally plastered adults and very small children, "Excuse Me."

The host turns around and there is the drunk, just plastered and glassy eyed, completely out of it. The host thinking there is something wrong says,...

Whenever I asked for something, my life gave me lemons

That explains my acidity problems

What do you call a Jewish person that eats lemons?

An Acidic Jew

Purple lemon

So this little boy is in the playground when some bullies come along, and they say to him:

“Hey, purple lemon, you suck!”

And the boy doesn’t know what a purple lemon is, so he asks. And the bullies say:

“Well, you’ll just have to ask a teacher then, won’t you?”

And so h...

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A man goes to confession (NSFW)

The man sits down and hears a voice:

Priest: "Tell me my child why are you here?"

Man: "I've done some terrible things and I'd like to ask for forgiveness."

Priest: "Go on my child."

Man: "I have taken the Lord's name in vain on multiple occasions, I stole money from my s...

I heard recently they'd made a new material out of lemons and tea leaves

They're calling it the Arnold Polymer

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When I was a teen, i'd have sex with all types of food. Pies, watermelons, bananas.... come to think of it, fruit were the best for sex.

Except lemons. Never touched those. Didn't wanna get lemonaids.

If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade.

And try to find somebody who's life gives them vodka, and have a party.

I was selling lemons the other day outside my house

And a man came up to me and asked “can I just buy the peel?”
I was surprised by this and stared him dead in the eyes before I said “are you taking the pith?”

“I only like lemons,”

Tom said zestfully

When life gives you lemons

Freeze them and throw them as hard as you can at the people making your life difficult

When life gives you lemons

Shove them up you ass, because the only thing life gives me is problems.

Sherlock and Watson are browsing the market, when they come across a stall selling lemons.

"I wonder," says Watson, picking up a lemon and examining it closely. "Exactly where do these fruits come from?"

"Well," says Sherlock, plucking the lemon out of Watson's hands. "It's a lemon tree, my dear Watson."

What's a lemons worst nightmare?

Lemonaids

Lemons are not perfect

They’re just sublime

Tell me, Sherlock, where do lemons come from?

A lemon tree, dear Watson.

"When life gives you lemons...

Don't make lemonade! Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don't want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the man whose gonna burn your house down -...

An old man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of wrinkly, dried up lemon rinds...

An old man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of wrinkly, dried up lemon rinds. He sits down and orders a beer from one hell of a beefy, muscled bartender. He takes a shakey sip from his dark, dark beer, puts it back down, and asks about the lemons as old and shriveled as he is.

"We have a ...

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Why is it better to smell roses and lemons than poop?

It’s just plain common scents.

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.

Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.' ......

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then s...

When life gives you lemons...

...take advantage of lemon law.

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When life gives you lemons...

Get a job and stop worrying abt ur fuckin’ lemons

How do you change wine to urine and lemons to demons?

Cursive

Life has never given me lemons

It has given me anger issues, anxiety, stress, a love for alcohol, and a serious dislike for stupid people

Well my father always told me, "when life gives you lemons,

chances are you're in the fruit aisle and shouldn't overthink the situation

What do you call a medical treatment based on lemons?

Lemonade.

(Joke 8yo made at dinner) What do give to sick lemons?

First Lemon-aid.

Sherlock Holmes smeared lemons over Dr. Watson's backside

"Why are you doing that, Holmes?" Dr. Watson asked.
"Lemon-entry my dear Watson", Holmes replied.

What's the difference between a bipolar person and a loft full of lemons?

One's a bit erratic and the other's a bitter attic.

What's the name for the emergency service for lemons?

Lemonade

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