This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I approached a woman in a bar and seductively said, "Hi Darlin', I'd love to get into your pants!"

She said, "No thanks, there's already an asshole in there."

What’s worse then ants in your pants?

Uncles.

I just found an enormous ravine so full of precious metals, I immediately came in my pants.

It was a *huge* ore chasm.

When I was getting my prostate exam, I asked the doctor where I should put my pants.

"Over there, next to mine" wasn't the answer I was expecting.

Hey babe, I think I have some quarks in my pants.

Either that or it’s a firmy-on

I have a steering wheel stuck in my pants

It's driving me nuts

I went looking for camouflage pants today

I didn’t see any.

What kind of pants do the Mario Bros. wear?

Denim denim denim

What do you see when a werewolf pulls down its pants?

A full moon.

Dropped my pants in public today...

Luckily they were still in a bag from when I bought them earlier.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An unkempt teenager with his pants hanging half off his bottom walked into the local welfare office to pick up his welfare payment.

He marched up to the counter and said,

"Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job ope...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the spy who shit his pants by the end of his mission?

He had to debrief.

Why don't chickens wear pants?

Because their pecker is on their face!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I accidentally pooped my pants in an elevator

I am taking this shit to a whole new level

Did you hear about the cephalopod who tried wearing pants?

He got squid marks.

Who wears the pants in the family

A couple on the first night of their honeymoon are getting ready for bed when suddenly, the husband tosses his slacks to his wife and says "put these on". To which the wife replies, "I can't wear these, they don't fit". "And the sooner you realize who wears the pants in this family, the better our m...

People that sag should put their pants up for adoption

Cause they sure can’t raise them

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to a costume party wearing nothing but pants.

The host asks: "What are you supposed to be?"

The man replies: "I am a premature ejaculation!"

To which the host replies: "Interesting... But why are you not wearing a shirt or shoes or a hat or anything else?"

The man says: "Well I just came in my pants!"

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the worst part of a Duck not wearing pants?

You can see their butt quack

Man visits his psychiatrist with Saran Wrap around his legs instead of pants

Doctor says "I can clearly see your nuts"

Why does a golfer need to bring two pairs of pants golfing?

In case there’s a hole in one.

What do you call Benedict Cumberbatch’s pants?

Cumber-britches

A woman locked her car key in her car, so she asked a passerby for help. The passerby took off his pants, rolled it into a ball and rubbed it on the car door. The car door springs open. Amazed, the woman asked the passerby how did he do it, to which he replied:

"It's simple, these are khaki pants"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man accepts a job in a village with no women

Once there, he asks a local:

\-There is really no women here?

\-None.

\-So... How do you guys do when you need to have sex?

\-There is a donkey close to the river for that.

The man tries to ignore and go home, where he can see the river and therefore, the donkey. A...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink

The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead.

The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some k...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man returns home early from work one afternoon to find his wife spread out on the bed naked, puffing and panting.

“What are you doing?” the man inquires.
“Err,” she stammers back. “I… um… I think I’m having a heart attack!”
“Oh,” cries the gullible husband, “quick, I’ll call an ambulance!”

He runs downstairs, picks up the phone and begins dialing 911, when his son Johnny appears, sobbing his little...

Lil boy and lil girl are playing in a sandbox. Lil boy pulls down his pants and says, 'I have one of these and you don't.'.

Lil girl runs off to mom who sets her straight. Next day, lil boy and lil girl are in the sand box again. Again lil boy pulls down his pants saying, ' I have one of these and you don't.'. lil girl pulls up her skirt and replys, 'I have one of these and can get as many of those as I want.'.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

That's how the fight got started...

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Told 4 year old neighbor kid that it's no big deal to poop your pants, it just happensl. I wish I hadn't said a thing...

Because now he won't shut up and quit teasing me about it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Starts with an F and end with K

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. B...

[At proctologist’s office] Me: *unzipping pants nervously*

Doctor: You’re understandably nervous, but please zip my pants back up.

What is Super Mario’s pants made out of?

Denim denim denim.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a pair of cum stained pants?

Bukkahkis

A newly wed couple are in bed together

A newly wed couple are in bed together.
The wife reaches over to grab her husband.

"Oh my God, it's so big" she said.

The husband gave a pleased hum.

"Are they all this big?" She asked.

"More or less," he said.

"It's halfway down your thigh!" She exclaimed.
<...

Hey girl, are you missing your pants?

Because I can give you some of my genes.

My tailor patched up all the holes in my pants.

Now I can't get my feet in.

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker.

She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.”
She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?”
She says, “A hundred d...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walked into his doctor's office...

...complaining that he thinks he might have a tapeworm. The doctor made a physical examination and listened to the symptoms, and concurred with the self-diagnosis.

"I want you to come back tomorrow to start treatment. And bring an apple, and an orange and a Mars Bar" said the doctor.

D...

Why do deaf guys like women in yoga pants?

They can read lips

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The worst joke I can remember [nsfw] Warning: this joke is long and terrible

A woman was driving through a remote section of desert at night, thoroughly lost. Suddenly, a coyote ran into the road ahead of her! Slamming on the brakes, the woman was astounded to see a man come running from out of the darkness toward the coyote. In one smooth motion, the strange man took his...

A sweet and innocent young Italian girl gets married, but the girl’s mother lives downstairs.

The girl has never made love to a man before, and on their wedding night, when he takes off his shirt, she goes running downstairs.

“Momma, Momma,” she cries. “I can’t believe it! He has hair all over his chest! What should I do?”

The mother is making spaghetti sauce. She stirs the sau...

An Ancient Greek walks into his tailor’s shop with a pair of torn pants.

“Euripides?” Says the tailor.
“Yeah, Eumenides?” Replies the man.

Don't flatter yourself by thinking I'm trying to get into your pants.

When It's quite obvious you appear to have difficulty getting into them yourself.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At age 4, success is not peeing in your pants. At age 12, success is having friends. At Age 16, success is having a driver's license. At age 20, success is having sex. At age 35, success is having money.

At age 50, success is having money.

At age 60, success is having sex.

At age 70, success is having a driver's license.

At age 75, success is having friends.

At age 80, success is not peeing in your pants.

Men do wear the pants in a couple...

But women choose which colors.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A first grade student said, “Teacher teacher! Kyle has his pants down again!”

The teacher goes, “PRINCIPAL KYLE, IM’A NEED YOU TO GET OUT RIGHT NOW!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People are offended by the smallest things these days

So please keep your dick in your pants

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The spoon in a waiter's pocket catches the customer's attention

The customer asks "Why do you have a spoon in your pocket?" To which the waiter replies "It's part of a new program to save time the restaurant is doing. If I drop a soup spoon, I can quickly replace it with the spoon in my pocket, and then switch the dirty one out next time I'm in the kitchen." The...

A sailor says to his captain,

"Captain, we are under attack by a boat!"

The captain replied, "Go get me my red jacket."

Puzzled, the sailor asks why.

"So the enemy doesn't know that I've been wounded," replies the captain.

The sailor says ok, and runs off to fight. They won the battle.

The next...

They put all sorts of wild patterns on pants these days.

Britches be crazy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This guy Bill has been having headaches for about 40 years..

...he doesnt know what to do so he finally goes to a doctor for the pain. The doctor checks him and says "bill I’m not sure how to tell you this , but you have a very rare condition where your balls press up against your spine and put pressure on your head. That’s why you've been getting these heada...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man on vacation is having horrible stomach pains, and realizes he has a tapeworm...

The resort doctor taps on his stomach a few times, listening with a stethoscope. Then he tells the man, "Come back tomorrow with a banana and a cookie."

"Ummm... okay..." the guy says, skeptical. "What for?"

"Do you want my help, or don't you!?" the doctor says. "Just do what I tell yo...

Why did the pair of pants get arrested?

They were high and waisted!

A man walks into a Jewish Barber shop and pulls down his pants

He says to the barber, "A little off the top please"

What kind of pants does a ghost wear?

A pair a normal pants

My nephew's answer:Scaredy Pants

Brave Knight Edward is going to crusade

He doesn't know if he will ever come back or not. So, he puts on an iron chastity belt on his wife, gives the key to his best friend Micheal and says,

"If I don't come back in 3 years, set her free". Michael agrees and brave Knight Edward sets out on his big black horse. He gallops toward th...

My gf asks me,"Honey,do these pants make me look fat?"

"No"I said,"Your fat makes you look fat"

And that's when the fight started

A young blonde fears that her boyfriend is seeing another girl...

One day, the girl is visiting her boyfriend's apartment for lunch and stumbles across another woman's discarded garments on his bedroom floor. After sitting coolly through the meal, avoiding eye contact, she quietly excuses herself without explanation. She is incredibly hurt, and on her way home fin...

I peed my pants every time I stood in front of my first-grade class to talk.

That's how I lost my teaching license.

Forgot my pot in my pants and put it through the dryer

Now I have some tumbleweed

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An extremely attractive young blond woman goes to a massage parlor.

She explains that this will be her first massage, and she really has no idea what to expect. The masseur tells her she'll need to disrobe and lie on the table. The young woman blushes, but strips off all of her clothes, struts across the room, and lies on the massage table.

The masseur can't...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young guy goes to a doctor, complaining that his penis has turned orange.

A young guy goes to a doctor, complaining that his penis has turned orange. The man looks healthy enough, dressed well, clean shaven, etc., but when the doctor asks him to pull down his pants, sure enough, his penis is bright orange! The doctor has never seen a case like this before, so he begins to...

If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, would you do it?

i wouldn't, why the frick would anyone ever kick himself in the nuts?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstair...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when you get so drunk you poop your pants and wake up curled up in the corner like a baby?

Fecal Alcohol Syndrome

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman and an Irishman go out drinking one night....

The Englishman says to the Irishman, " listen paddy I wish I could stay out drinking with you but I'm skint."

Padd
y says, "aye George, I just spent my last few quid too.... but I've got an idea: go up and order two more drinks and a sausage and mash and tell them to put it on a tab." ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A doctor told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it," He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it before he got home to his wife. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realiz...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old, gross joke about deer hunting



*This ancient joke pre-dates the Internet. It is from the South and is best told with a southern accent.*

I was deer hunting in the mountains of North Carolina. After about four hours I shot a nice 400lb buck. While I was hauling the dear back to my truck, I was stopped by the game wa...

A bodybuilder and a Blonde

The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have!"

He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby."

He takes off his pants and the blonde says,' "What massive calves you have!" The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby."
<...

A woman returns to her room in the old age home to find another old lady with her hands on her husband's pants.

She is furious: “What does she have that I don't?” “Parkinson”, answers the husband.

Why are Spanish pants sad?

Because they’re pant*alone*s

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Boy was having sex with a girl on a Railway track

The train driver spots them and starts hooting but they ignore it.
He applies brakes so hard and the train stops just a few yards away from the couple. Driver jumps from the engine and walks to the boy who just finished and is standing up and zipping up his pants. The driver shouts out to the boy...

Pilot is welcoming the passengers on the plane

Shortly after take off, he announces "This is your Captain speaking, Thank you for flying with us this morning. The weather is... " Then suddenly he starts screaming his head off,

"Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! It's burning,...It's burning.. This is going to hurt... It's burning."

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ryan Gosling went to live in Saudi Arabia for a year.

He and a local Saudi girl fell in love.

The girl would secretly sneak out of her house in the middle of the night without a male companion to hangout with Ryan. They would go to Ryan's place and make love for the whole night. Ryan would drop her back before the dawn. She would quietly sneak i...

Measure of Success

As a toddler, success means not peeing your pants.

At 16, success means getting laid as often as possible.

At 50, success means means a great career and a loving family.

At 65, success means getting laid as often as possible.

At 90, success means not peeing your pants.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After retiring,

I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife had some tattoos done on the cheeks of her ass.

She said to the tattooist I would like a butterfly on each cheek.

Tattooist says, sorry I can't do butterflies, I can do Bee's though.

So my wife said okay they are nice as well. She came home, dropped her pants turned round and got on all fours to show me.

I said "who the fuck ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Gus the Accountant

Gus has been doing accountancy for like 35 years and he's sick of it.

So Gus decides he wants some adventure in his life, so he's going to become a prospector.

Everyday he studies geology, he learns how to drive a big truck and operate an excavator and he starts selling up everything h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is drinking with his friend at a bar, he drinks too much and ends up puking all over his shirt

He starts freaking out and tells his friend, “ I can’t go home like this, my wife’s been nagging me about my drinking and she’ll lose it”,
His friend says “don’t worry, I’m going to put a 10 dollar bill in your pocket, tell your wife you had one drink but the guy next to you overdid it and puked ...

I was folding my pants, fresh out the drier, and found a dollar in a pocket. Jesus Christ...

How long have I been laundering money?

Likely a reddit repost, but I’d never seen it before and thought it was funny. Maybe you will too.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!

Officer: Age?

Husband: I'm not sure. Somewhere between 50 and 60. We don't do birthdays.

Officer: Height?

Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

OFFICER : Weig...

Farmer

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks him, “Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?”

Farmer: Some things you just can’t explain.

Man: So what happened that’s so horrible?

Farmer: Well, today I was sitting b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A stutterer's wife was getting annoyed of his stutter...

So she asks him to go see a doctor. When the men got to the hospital and explained everything the doctor said:

"Pull down your pants."

"W-why?"

"Just do it."

"O-ok."

"There's the problem. You have a big penis that is pulling down your diaphragm. You will have to do...

Before my job interview I shat my pants.

Which was strange because I don't remember eating them.

For the first time ever I don't have pee in my pants.

I love having dry ants!

Have your ever spilled your breakfast on your pants?

It's pure egg-on-knee

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wasn't sure what to wear to my Pre-Mature Ejaculators Anonymous meeting...

so I just came in my pants.

What kind of pants do tires wear...

...when they go hiking?

Cargo shorts!

....when they're in the pool?

A speedo

My 8 year old's work. I've never been so proud of her!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rich woman and a bank director.

So a woman walks into the bank looking to deposit her money, 2 000 000 dollars. The agent in the bank says he can't help her because it's too much money, so she needs to talk to the bank director, and she does.

Entering his office, he can't help it but to ask where the money is from. And he g...

My new pants feel like a cheaply made castle.

They have no ballroom.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man lost two buttons from his shirt and put them in his pants pocket.

But the pocket had a hole, so the buttons fell into his shoe. Unfortunately, the shoe sole also had a hole, so he lost the buttons. Since pockets with holes, holes without buttons, and shoe soles with holes are useless, the man ripped the buttonholes out of his shirt and the pocket from his pants an...

Good cammo pants are like girls who want to date me.

Hard to find and I can't see myself being inside them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried to explain to my lil daughter that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants.

But she's still making fun of me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little old lady walked into the Bank of Canada

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because "it’s a lot of money." After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president’s office. The ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Guy Picks Up A Hooker For The First Time.

They come into his house, and he throws off his shoes, and holy Jesus christ almighty his toes! The Hooker Asks:

"Oh my god, what is with your toes?!"

The guy responds with: "I had TOElio when I was younger"

They move on, the guy takes off his pants and HOLY CRAP his knees they'...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to do the doctor for a physical. He tells the not to be alarmed but he has 5 penises.

The doctor says, “5 penises!? How do you pants fit?”

The man replies “Like a glove.”

Some lady called the cops on me because I was giving a squirrel a nut in the park.

Good thing I got my pants back on before they arrived

"Mommy! Mommy! Little Johnny pulled down his pants and showed me his thingy!"

"Oh? That's... *weird*. Well, what did you think of it?"

"It reminded me of a peanut!"

"Ha ha! Because it was so tiny?"

"No. Salty."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today I woke up with a hole in my pants

I thought to myself "some asshole is trying to escape"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A kid gets back from his field trip to the zoo where his dad is at the school waiting for him

Dad - “hey son how was your trip”

Son - “it was so cool I got chased by a lion”

Dad - “omg son what happened”

Son - “I saw it chasing some so I ran as fast as I could”

Dad - “and then what happened”

Son - “right as it was catching up, it slipped!”

Dad ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was at a swimming pool with poop in my pants but they came off me and floated away

That's when i lost my shit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(NSFW) Getting Screwed Thousand Times

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, But she belonged to someone else...

One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you a £100 if you let me have sex with you. But the girl said NO.

Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on t...

My Gramps just passed away. This was his favorite joke to tell.

*Sorry for the meta of this, I'm still reeling a little. I post two or three (or ten--sorry for breaking rules) jokes on this sub every day. A lot of them are simply awful, but they're all original, and my Gramps was a huge inspiration for me becoming a comedy "writer." But this is an old joke, and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar

He goes up to the bartender and asks him if he likes to gamble.

The bartender says, "Sure, I'll take a bet. What's your action?"

The man offers a $50 bet that he can bite his own eyeball. The bartender, thinking it's easy money, accepts his bet, and is shocked when the man removes his ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.