A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants

Bartender: "Why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?"

Pirate: "Arrrr, it's driving me nuts!"

Whats worse than ants in your pants?

Uncles

Why does a golfer need to bring two pairs of pants golfing?

In case there’s a hole in one.

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An unkempt teenager with his pants hanging half off his bottom walked into the local welfare office to pick up his welfare payment.

He marched up to the counter and said,

"Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job ope...

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What do you call a pair of cum stained pants?

Bukkahkis

Hey girl, are you missing your pants?

Because I can give you some of my genes.

What do you call Muslim man praying in parachute pants?

Sir Makes Salat

What type of pants does Mario wear?

Denim denim denim

Why don't chickens wear pants?

Because their pecker is on their face.

An Ancient Greek walks into his tailor’s shop with a pair of torn pants.

“Euripides?” Says the tailor.
“Yeah, Eumenides?” Replies the man.

My tailor patched up all the holes in my pants.

Now I can't get my feet in.

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A first grade student said, “Teacher teacher! Kyle has his pants down again!”

The teacher goes, “PRINCIPAL KYLE, IM’A NEED YOU TO GET OUT RIGHT NOW!”

Men do wear the pants in a couple...

But women choose which colors.

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A man returns home early from work one afternoon to find his wife spread out on the bed naked, puffing and panting.

“What are you doing?” the man inquires.
“Err,” she stammers back. “I… um… I think I’m having a heart attack!”
“Oh,” cries the gullible husband, “quick, I’ll call an ambulance!”

He runs downstairs, picks up the phone and begins dialing 911, when his son Johnny appears, sobbing his little...

What is Super Mario’s pants made out of?

Denim denim denim.

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At age 4, success means not peeing in your pants

At age 12, success means having friends

At age 17, success means having a driver's licence

At age 25, success means having sex

At age 35, success means having money

At age 45, success means having money

At age 55, success means having sex

At age 65, success ...

Don't flatter yourself by thinking I'm trying to get into your pants.

When It's quite obvious you appear to have difficulty getting into them yourself.

What kind of pants does a ghost wear?

A pair a normal pants

My nephew's answer:Scaredy Pants

What did one organ say to the other when their person peed their pants?

You got to be kiddiney right now!!

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What do you call it when you get so drunk you poop your pants and wake up curled up in the corner like a baby?

Fecal Alcohol Syndrome

If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, would you do it?

i wouldn't, why the frick would anyone ever kick himself in the nuts?

A man walks into a Jewish Barber shop and pulls down his pants

He says to the barber, "A little off the top please"

They put all sorts of wild patterns on pants these days.

Britches be crazy.

Why do deaf guys like women in yoga pants?

They can read lips

Why did the pair of pants get arrested?

They were high and waisted!

I peed my pants every time I stood in front of my first-grade class to talk.

That's how I lost my teaching license.

A woman returns to her room in the old age home to find another old lady with her hands on her husband's pants.

She is furious: “What does she have that I don't?” “Parkinson”, answers the husband.

A man walks into a psychiatrist wearing Saran Wrap pants.

The man says, “Doctor, I think I’m crazy”
The psychiatrist says, “Well, I can clearly see your nuts”

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A man goes to do the doctor for a physical. He tells the not to be alarmed but he has 5 penises.

The doctor says, “5 penises!? How do you pants fit?”

The man replies “Like a glove.”

Forgot my pot in my pants and put it through the dryer

Now I have some tumbleweed

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I wasn't sure what to wear to my Pre-Mature Ejaculators Anonymous meeting...

so I just came in my pants.

I was folding my pants, fresh out the drier, and found a dollar in a pocket. Jesus Christ...

How long have I been laundering money?

Why are Spanish pants sad?

Because they’re pant*alone*s

My gf asks me,"Honey,do these pants make me look fat?"

"No"I said,"Your fat makes you look fat"

And that's when the fight started

Before my job interview I shat my pants.

Which was strange because I don't remember eating them.

Have your ever spilled your breakfast on your pants?

It's pure egg-on-knee

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I accidentally pooped my pants on an elevator today,

I took this shit to a whole new level

What kind of pants do tires wear...

...when they go hiking?

Cargo shorts!

....when they're in the pool?

A speedo

My 8 year old's work. I've never been so proud of her!!

Friendship is like peeing your pants.

Everyone can see it but only you feel the warmth.

Good cammo pants are like girls who want to date me.

Hard to find and I can't see myself being inside them.

My new pants feel like a cheaply made castle.

They have no ballroom.

For the first time ever I don't have pee in my pants.

I love having dry ants!

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Gambler gets a notice from IRS that he is being audited.

The gambler calls his tax attorney and they go to see the IRS agent. As they are waiting in the office, the IRS agent looks over his paperwork and says:

"The reason for your audit is that you have a relatively lavish lifestyle, but not much income to justify it, can you tell me what you do fo...

Why do golfers always bring a spare pair of pants?

They always get a hole in one.

My Gramps just passed away. This was his favorite joke to tell.

*Sorry for the meta of this, I'm still reeling a little. I post two or three (or ten--sorry for breaking rules) jokes on this sub every day. A lot of them are simply awful, but they're all original, and my Gramps was a huge inspiration for me becoming a comedy "writer." But this is an old joke, and ...

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A man lost two buttons from his shirt and put them in his pants pocket.

But the pocket had a hole, so the buttons fell into his shoe. Unfortunately, the shoe sole also had a hole, so he lost the buttons. Since pockets with holes, holes without buttons, and shoe soles with holes are useless, the man ripped the buttonholes out of his shirt and the pocket from his pants an...

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I was at a swimming pool with poop in my pants but they came off me and floated away

That's when i lost my shit

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A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstair...

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Which is the number 1 cereal brand in Asgard?

Bifrosties

*holy shit almost crapped my pants with excitement when I came up with this. GF not as excited, I'm counting on you guys

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I tried to explain to my lil daughter that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants.

But she's still making fun of me.

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Have you ever seen the comedian who always shits his pants?

His humor is very self-defecating.

What’s the easiest way into a woman’s pants?

Through her drawers

"Mommy! Mommy! Little Johnny pulled down his pants and showed me his thingy!"

"Oh? That's... *weird*. Well, what did you think of it?"

"It reminded me of a peanut!"

"Ha ha! Because it was so tiny?"

"No. Salty."

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Today I woke up with a hole in my pants

I thought to myself "some asshole is trying to escape"

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Pissing your pants is like being happy

I haven’t done it since I was 6

What is inside a man's pants and wants to poke the hole it's often poked before?

A key

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[NSFW] Senior Sex

A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a str...

Wrestling is stupid.

Men without pants fight for a belt.

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A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman.

He noticed her sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman seated over there'
..... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not lookin...

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Genghis Khan and his soldiers attacked a tiny village of their enemy country and took all the men and women as prisoners..

Later in the evening,after being intoxicated,the sadistic Genghis decides to play a game..

He asks all the men from the village to stand in a line and strip down their pants..

He then instructed one of the wives of the men to be blindfolded and she should recognize her husband after ex...

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The husband and his young wife were not on good terms. In fact the wife was convinced that he was carrying on with the pretty housemaid, so she laid a trap.

One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and didn’t inform the husband.

That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story,”Excuse me my dear……..my stomach,” and disappeared towards the bathroom.

The wife promptly dashed along the corridor, up the back ...

What are Mario and Luigi's pants made of?

DenimDenimDenim

Husband: My wife is missing. She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home ...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:
Color of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really ...

Why should you never wear soviet era pants?

Chernobyl fallout

So today I had to have a prostate exam and I asked the Doctor, "where should I put my pants?"

He said "right there next too mine."

Gotta say I had my doubts.

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A dude walks into a restaurant and says,

"Where's the fucking manager you cock-sucker?"

The host is surprised and replies, "Excuse me, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the dude asks, "Are you the fucking manager of thi...

What do cheap hotels and tight pants have in common?

No ballroom.

A boy, his dad, and his grandpa all browse r/jokes and laugh too hard and pee their pants...

Guess you could say it runs in their jeans!

In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!

He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.

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A Soviet citizen, a Texan and an Australian walk in to a bar

The Texan stands up on his barstool and shoots the cap of his beer and says “my name is bill, buffalo bill”

Then the Australian stands up and throws a boomerang around the room before knocking the cap of his beer and saying “ my name is bill, boomerang bill”

Then the Soviet sits for a ...

My friend got mad at me for sniffing his sister's pants.

Probably because her family all saw me too.

And that she was still wearing them probably didn't help.

It made the rest of her funeral really awkward.

A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday; he said “I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs.”

I said “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, “Sir, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. “See this badge?! This badge mea...

An estimated 70% of women who wear yoga pants don’t do yoga.

An estimated 100% of straight men do not care.

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Fastest thing on Earth

4 guys are talking about what the fastest thing is. 1st guy says it’s a thought. 2nd guy says it’s the blink of an eye. 3rd guy says it’s electricity. 4th guy says it’s diarrhea, the other guys say, diarrhea? What are you talking about?
4th guy says, the other day before I could think, blink or t...

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A man walks into the pub bathroom...

He notices a dwarf by the urinal. The dwarf appears to be drunk as hell as he's swaying and seems to be making an effort not to puke. The man goes to the urinal and does what he came here to do.

As he turns to go to the sink and wash his hands the dwarf splutters:
\- Hey... hey you!
<...

Just married!!

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "here put these on." She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can’t wear your pants,"...

So I said, "As a matter of fact I do. Why does...

Donald Duck walk around all day with no pants on, but after he takes a shower he puts a towel around his waist?" And the waiter said, "No I meant do you have any questions about our menu."

Little girl in class crying, Teacher says what is wrong Lucy? Lucy replies I have peed my pants, Teacher asks why didn't you put your hand up?

Lucy replied, I did miss but it trickled through my fingers.

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Why did the man put chickpeas down his pants?

He was hummusexual

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Why doesn't Donald Duck wear pants?

He has feathers to cover his butt quack.

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A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the so...

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you get a question, I'll be parked around the corner."

She's standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, "How much?" She says, "A hundred dollars." He says, "All I got is thirty".

She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Harry and asks, "What can he get for thirty?" "A hand job", Harry replies. She runs back and tells the guy all he g...

Why did the snowman pull down his pants?

Because he saw the snow blower coming.

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An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are captured by an evil wizard

The wizard gives them three tasks, if they complete the tasks they are free.
1. Drink a gallon of beer
2. Go to a bear cave and punch the bear
3. Fuck a 100 year old nun

The Englishman goes first.
He starts drinking but soon he faints

The Scotsman drinks the beer and goes...

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game.

They had great seats right behind her teams bench on the 50 yard line.

After the game he asked her how she liked it.

She replied "oh, I really like it especially all the tight pants and big muscles, but I just don't understand why they were fighting each other over 25 cents."

T...

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A guy walks into a bar with an alligator. It's about 10 feet long.

The bartender flips out and says, "Hey buddy, you gotta get that son of a bitch outta here. It's going to bite one of my customers and I'm going to get sued."
The guy says, "No no no, it's a tame alligator. I'll prove it to you."
He picks up the alligator and puts it on the bar. Then he un...

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Just went to the bathroom with my new pants

They have a buttoned fly, really hard to open.

As I struggled with it I realized what it was:

A penis flytrap.

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A cruise ship wrecks in the middle of the ocean.

The only three survivors are tourists from different areas of the United States. A man from Georgia, a man from Florida and a man from Hawaii. They float on a raft until they hit an island where they’re met by a tribe of fierce locals who despise outsiders. A member of tribe offers to translate for ...

Student in a test

An engineering student was in oral test. The professor asked him" what do usually ride when you go home ?".

The student answered " the bus"

Professor : cool, tell me what you would do i...

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I went to my doctor to have him look at some strange spots on my arse. I pulled my pants down, he took a look and responded..

Weird flecks; butt ok.

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Queen's Infidelities

A king is going to war and he knows his queen has overactive sexual needs... Furthermore, he is skeptical about the loyalty of his four servants.

To find out who will not have sex with the queen, he hides a blade inside the queen's vagina and goes to war.

Immediately after returning, h...

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A man was driving on the freeway when he saw a sign that said "Whistle Blowjobs - 10 miles"

" whistle blowjobs?" He thought to himself, wondering what that was all about.

"They suck your dick while they whistle? That's impossible!"

Then he passed another sign: "Whistle Blowjobs - 5 miles"

And another: "Whistle Blowjobs - 1 mile"

At this time he was so curious...

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Free drinking with a sausage

English is not my first language, so if you can improve the joke, let me know! :)




It was a Saturday night, and 2 friends (John and Mike) wanted to drink badly, but had no money.

So Mike had an bright idea and said:"hey so hear me out John. I got a sausage, I'll put it in m...

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I know this guy who constantly tells jokes about how often he craps his pants

Self-defecating humor

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A guy goes to a convenience store to buy a pack of condoms.

The woman behind the counter asks him what size he needs.

"Gee, I guess I'm not sure." Replies the guy.

The woman tells him, "Go out around the corner and you'll find a fence with three holes in it. Stick your penis in to each one and tell me which size fits best. "

The guy walk...

A dyslexic person peeing his pants would spell certain doom.

His urination spells his ruination.

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing.

A sign read: "Don't Miss "The Amazing Italian".
The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, Under The Big Top, in the Centre ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Italian.

Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male member...

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Can I Piss In My Pants? I Don't Know...

Depends.

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