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An unkempt teenager with his pants hanging half off his bottom walked into the local welfare office to pick up his welfare payment.

He marched up to the counter and said,

"Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job ope...

What’s worse than ants in your pants??


A pirate walks into a bar and has a steering wheel down his pants...

The bartender asks the pirate: "Isn't that annoying?"

The pirate responds: "Arrr it's driving me nuts!"

Forgot my pot in my pants and put it through the dryer

Now I have some tumbleweed

My new pants feel like a cheaply made castle.

They have no ballroom.

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I accidentally pooped my pants on an elevator today,

I took this shit to a whole new level

For the first time ever I don't have pee in my pants.

I love having dry ants!

Why do golfers always bring a spare pair of pants?

They always get a hole in one.

Friendship is like peeing your pants.

Everyone can see it but only you feel the warmth.

What kind of pants to Mario and Luigi wear?

Denim denim denim

What’s the easiest way into a woman’s pants?

Through her drawers

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A man lost two buttons from his shirt and put them in his pants pocket.

But the pocket had a hole, so the buttons fell into his shoe. Unfortunately, the shoe sole also had a hole, so he lost the buttons. Since pockets with holes, holes without buttons, and shoe soles with holes are useless, the man ripped the buttonholes out of his shirt and the pocket from his pants an...

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I tried to explain to my lil daughter that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants.

But she's still making fun of me.

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Have you ever seen the comedian who always shits his pants?

His humor is very self-defecating.

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I was at a swimming pool with poop in my pants but they came off me and floated away

That's when i lost my shit

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A drunk guy is sitting at a bar by himself one night and throws up all over the front of his shirt

"Oh great, my wife is going to kill me," he mumbles to himself.

The guy sitting next to him sees what has happened and leans over towards him, "hey buddy, just put a twenty dollar bill in your shirt pocket and when you get home tell your wife the guy sitting next to you threw up on you and ...

"Mommy! Mommy! Little Johnny pulled down his pants and showed me his thingy!"

"Oh? That's... *weird*. Well, what did you think of it?"

"It reminded me of a peanut!"

"Ha ha! Because it was so tiny?"

"No. Salty."

What is inside a man's pants and wants to poke the hole it's often poked before?

A key

Do you know why golf players always wear 2 pants?

In case that they get a hole in one

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Pissing your pants is like being happy

I haven’t done it since I was 6

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At age 4, success is not peeing in your pants. At age 12, success is having friends. At Age 16, success is having a driver's license. At age 20, success is having sex. At age 35, success is having money.

At age 50, success is having money.

At age 60, success is having sex.

At age 70, success is having a driver's license.

At age 75, success is having friends.

At age 80, success is not peeing in your pants.

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Today I woke up with a hole in my pants

I thought to myself "some asshole is trying to escape"

What are Mario and Luigi's pants made of?


I used to know a French guy who kept snails in his pants...

..he called them "escargot shorts."

What do cheap hotels and tight pants have in common?

No ballroom.

So today I had to have a prostate exam and I asked the Doctor, "where should I put my pants?"

He said "right there next too mine."

Gotta say I had my doubts.

What does a dog do that his owner steps in?

Pants. The dog pants.

Why, what were you thinking of?

A boy, his dad, and his grandpa all browse r/jokes and laugh too hard and pee their pants...

Guess you could say it runs in their jeans!

What is Mario's favorite type of pants?

Denim denim denim.

My friend got mad at me for sniffing his sister's pants.

Probably because her family all saw me too.

And that she was still wearing them probably didn't help.

It made the rest of her funeral really awkward.

Dirty jokes time.Don't click if you are easily offended.

I asked my uncle how I could tell if a girl was into me?
He told me, Oh that's easy, when you have your hand down her pants...if it feels like your feeding a horse...she likes you.

In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!

He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.

Little girl in class crying, Teacher says what is wrong Lucy? Lucy replies I have peed my pants, Teacher asks why didn't you put your hand up?

Lucy replied, I did miss but it trickled through my fingers.

A woman was in some distress one day when she locked herself out of her car.

An army man was walking by in the car park so she waved him over and said "excuse me can you help me, I've locked myself out". "Sure" he says. So he takes off his pants and rubs them against the door and as if by magic the door unlocked. "Wow" said the woman, "how did you do that?"

He replies...

An estimated 70% of women who wear yoga pants don’t do yoga.

An estimated 100% of straight men do not care.

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Why doesn't Donald Duck wear pants?

He has feathers to cover his butt quack.

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Why did the man put chickpeas down his pants?

He was hummusexual

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Just went to the bathroom with my new pants

They have a buttoned fly, really hard to open.

As I struggled with it I realized what it was:

A penis flytrap.

What do R.Kelly and Walmart have in common?

They both have kids pants half off.

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Can I Piss In My Pants? I Don't Know...


Right after takeoff, a pilot comes on the microphone to welcome his passengers. “Thank you for flying with us. The weather is....”

Then he suddenly starts screaming while still on the mic, “OH MY GOD! IT IS BURNING!!, IT IS BURNING!”

Then silence.

A few seconds later, he comes back on and says, “I’m terribly sorry about what happened. I spilled some scorching hot coffee on my should see my pants!!”

Customer to sales girl, I'm here for the crazy pant's half off sale.

Salesgirl, Yes I know....I can clearly see your nuts.

Why did the snowman pull down his pants?

Because he saw the snow blower coming.

A dyslexic person peeing his pants would spell certain doom.

His urination spells his ruination.

My employer made a rule forbidding females to wear yoga pants or leggings to work and the women are very upset about it.

I think they should just put on their big girl pants and get over it.

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I went to my doctor to have him look at some strange spots on my arse. I pulled my pants down, he took a look and responded..

Weird flecks; butt ok.

What do you call pants on fire?

Hot pockets.

A guy goes to his psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but pants made out of Saran wrap.

The doctor takes one look at him and says, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts"

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Why do golfers wear two pair of pants?

In case they get a hole-in-one (i know that this joke is shit)

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I know this guy who constantly tells jokes about how often he craps his pants

Self-defecating humor

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My wife suggested buying some of those crotchless pants to spice up our sex lives.

But frankly, they make my balls hurt.

They say creaming you pants is bad...

But the real problem is the coffee.

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I didn't know what to wear to the premature ejaculation club

So i just came in my pants

I accidentally left a dollar in my pants pocket, and it went through the washer and dryer.

I hope the police don't find out about my money laundering scheme...

What do you call narrator's favorite pair of pants?

Long story shorts.

I'm considering buying a pair of stripper pants

Think I'd pull em off

I told my son that wetting your pants is nothing to be ashamed of.

It didn’t work; he’s still teasing me for it.

What do you call an Asian who spills his latte on his pants?

Chai knees

An ancient Greek walks into his tailor’s shop with a pair of torn pants

“Euripides?” says the tailor.

“Yeah, Eumenides?” replies the man.

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I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants.

But he's not buying it, in fact he's still making fun of me.
Edit: Thanks for the karma, and damn Reddit is not shy about telling internet strangers they pooped in their pants.
Edit 2: Thank you kind stranger for giving me my first gold on a poop joke, I wouldn't have expected it any other...


I went to the store looking for camouflage pants.

But I couldn't find any.

It’s a little-known fact that, after signing the Declaration of Independence, the Founding Fathers collectively dropped their pants, pointing their posteriors toward England

Thus the motto “E pluribus moon ‘em”

My buddy stuffed socks down his pants to impress women, but it didn’t work.

I need to tell him to move it to the front of the pants the next time around.

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How do pants fit on a man with 5 penises?

Like a glove

>-Gilbert Gottfried (shortened)


Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat.

"Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, "Here, try these on."

So, she did and said: "These ar...

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Just pooped my pants.

Which is weird, because I don't even remember eating them.

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