UPJOKE
minutetimehourcaesiumdaybackatomic clockmillisecondendorseindorseinstantnanosecondmomentlatterarcsecond

Seconds Jokes

I've managed 434 days, 12 hours, 47 minutes and 17 seconds of sobriety.

I'm so glad alcohol doesn't dictate my life any more.

Did you know that 20 pirahnas can demolish a small child down to the bone in under 30 seconds?

In other news, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

(My nephew told me this joke yesterday, totally deadpan! Thought it was worth sharing!)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Had sex for an hour and 30 seconds today

Thankyou daylight savings

How many Seconds are in a year?

12!

January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd, May 2nd, June 2nd, July 2nd, August 2nd, September 2nd, October 2nd, November 2nd, December 2nd.

I just read that someone in NYC gets stabbed every 52 seconds

Poor guy

My wife asked for something shiny that goes from 0 - 200 in five seconds or less for our anniversary...

I bought her a scale. We're still not speaking.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men die within 10 seconds of each other...

...go to heaven, and are greeted by Saint Peter at the gates. Saint Peter says,
"Our apologies, but due to logistics constraints, only one man can be let into heaven at a time. The man with the most interesting story goes first."
The men mumble agreement, and the first man says;
"Well, I've...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

0 to 200 in 6 seconds

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his w...

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and ...

My wife was hinting at what she wanted for our anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0-100 in 3 seconds."

I got her a weighing scale.

A young boy was kissed by a girl he really liked, but after only a few seconds, the boy abruptly ended his first kiss.

"I'm so sorry, but I can't continue!" he said.

"Why not," the girl asked, "didn't you like it?"

"No, that's not it," the boy replied. "It's my mom. She said that if I kiss a girl before I'm sixteen, I'll turn into a statue. And I could feel it starting already."

Made love to my girlfriend for an hour and 15 seconds last night

Thanks, Daylight Savings Time. I couldn't have done it without you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sperm cell contains about 37.5 MB of information. There are about 100 million sperm cells per ml; the average ejaculation is about 2.25ml, and takes about 5 seconds. This makes the average bandwidth of the human penis 1687 TB/sec

I know, that's a lot of information to swallow.

What do you get if you add up all the seconds of your life?

A lot of food you probably didn’t need to eat.

As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter… I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.

I thought to myself, “I really need a new boat.”

The term "Every 60 seconds in Africa..." is really stupid

Everyone knows Africans don't get seconds, they're lucky if they get a single serving.

If not for the last five seconds of a perfume ad,

...no one would have known it's a perfume ad.

I just completed a Rubik's Cube in seven seconds.

I dropped it into a tub of paint.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They say men think about sex every seven seconds.

That's why I eat my bananas in six. You know. So it's not awkward.

A man walks into a bar, and is torn apart in seconds.

Whoops, sorry. Bear\*

Somewhere in the world, a woman is giving birth every three seconds...

We've got to find that woman and stop her!!!!!!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I bet someone that I could masturbate to completion in under 10 seconds.

I totally pulled it off!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was on the way to winning $100,000 on a game show, but her final question was suspended for the next night.

Her husband sneaked into the studio and found the question and answer. He raced home and told his wife "Your question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy', and the answer is 'The head, heart and penis.'

The woman thinks about this throughout the night, but keeps forgettin...

The titanic went down in 60 seconds

Let that sink in for a minute

If you think 30 seconds isn't a significant period of time..

... try hesitating for 30 seconds when your wife asks you if she looks fat in that dress.

I found a used football in a second hand store...

I picked it up and took it to the counter.

"How much is this?" I asked

"That'll be $5" said the owner. "Would you like me to pump it up for you?"

"Of course, thanks a lot!" I replied.

So, he got a small pump from under the counter and in a few seconds the ball was as good...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently, men think about sex every seven seconds...

I make sure I eat my hotdogs within 6 seconds so it doesn't get weird.

A man gets mugged every 30 seconds in New York City

He is starting to get really fed up.

I am 24 seconds older than my twin brother...

... whenever I come out of the toilet I start a sentence with "When I was your age...." then proceed telling him the details of my majestic creation.

I wrote this little ditty just seconds after waking up.

An auto worker storms into his union leader's office. "I have a really pesky booger in my nostril, and management won't get us anymore tissue boxes!!" he shouts.

The union manager calmly responds: "Maybe you should picket."

30 Seconds To Mars for only 5 Seconds Of Summer?

I'd better get my Nickelback or there'll Panic! At The Disco.

Boss: You're 4 hours late! What's the matter?

Employee: I fell from the 2nd floor this morning.

Boss: That's 20 feet tall! It shouldn't take you more than 5 seconds!

5 second rule. If it hasnt been 5 seconds no bacteria has been transferred.

So stop complaining ladies you could have gotten chlamydia.

I can't find my "Gone in 60 seconds" DVD...

It was here a minute ago...

My wife demanded I had something that went 0-200 in less than 6 seconds in the driveway for here birthday.

She woke up to find a scale.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lot can happen in just 60 seconds

Thats the title of my sextape

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dave and his missus were going for it one night when Dave suddenly froze for 5 seconds

‘What was that all about?’ asked Dave’s wife

‘It’s something I saw on Pornhub. It’s called buffering’.

I need a few brief jokes to tell to a group of elderly people. The punchlines need to be easily understood, and they need to be clean and not making fun of anyone with any kind of disability. Have any brief and fairly original jokes?

This one is good, although I’ll probably have to emphasize the ‘mispronouncing words’ part, and instead of blonde, the dummy will be me:

*A blonde is flying in a Boeing for the first time. She starts jumping on her seat shouting "Boeing Boeing Boeing".
The pilot, clearly annoyed by this, w...

Three vampires are arguing amongst themselves.

Each is claiming to be the most vicious.

The first one suddenly runs off, and comes back in fifteen seconds, blood dripping from his mouth.

'See that house over there?' he says, pointing. 'I've killed all of the family members inside and sucked their bodies dry of blood.'

The s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Brushing your teeth properly is like good sex. Longer than 30 seconds, good stroke technique

and there shouldn’t be any blood afterwards.

How many seconds are in 6 weeks?

10!

I met a girl at a club the other night & she told me she'd show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I made a sex playlist for me and my girlfriend

Her complaint was that it was only 30 seconds long.

My girlfriend thinks I’m terrible in bed.

Kind of an unfair judgement to make in less than a minute.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I can't stand people who always hold the power button for 5 seconds

It's just a major turn off.

What do you call a kangaroo that asks for seconds on ramen?

A more-soupial

My wife said she wanted me to buy her something that will go from 0 to 160 in just a few seconds.

"That sounds expensive, what did you buy her?"

"A set of bathroom scales."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Most YouTube ads are only unskippable for 5 seconds, so they try to cram something surprising + the brand name in the first 5 seconds of the ad.

Hence you get ads that are basically Samuel L. Jackson screaming "Capital One, mothafucka!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW What's the difference between eating pussy and drinking Bud Light?

Pussy only tastes like piss for a few seconds.

A woman in England gives birth every 30 seconds.

She must be exhausted!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was telling a girl I met in a bar last night about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born on just by feeling her tits.

"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"

"Yesterday?" I replied.

So few people today disassemble their watches, take away the hand showing seconds and sell it to other people

the second-hand second hand market is minute.

two hardcore trump supporters die and ascend to heaven.

God meets them at the pearly gates and asks if they have any questions.
One of them says, “yes, what were the real results of the 2020 election and who was behind the fraud?”.

God says, "my son, there was no fraud. Biden won the electoral college fair and square, 306 to 232”.

Afte...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three vampires were having an argument

They wanted to compete to see who was the best. Without warning the first dashes away, and reappears after 15 seconds with blood dripping from his fangs.

"Do you see that house there?"
"Yes"
"I killed the family inside and drained them of their blood!"

Not to be outdone, the seco...

I found a way to stop lasting only 10 seconds in bed!

I just told her to stop counting.

Every 60 seconds in Africa a minute passes away.

Please help stop this.

Someone is shot every 15 seconds in the US.

How is that person still alive?

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.