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Judges Jokes

A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"

"Guilty", said the man in the dock. At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise. The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beat...

What do judges wear

A lawsuit

Two judges were stumbling home from their local pub

Two judges were stumbling home from their local pub, arms around each other, loudly singing Kenny Rodgers.

“Hey," said one, "I think we're drunk."

“You’re right, and according to the law I will have to charge you with being drunk and disorderly. You’ll have to appear before me at 10AM ...

Why can't judges get drunk?

They always order just-ice

What's the favorite drink of judges?

Guil tea.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There are judges for different religions and they are categorized alphabetically.

There's Judge Atheist A, Judge Buddhist B, Judge Christian C and...

Judge Jew D.

When I was auditioning for the talent show, my dad gave me a $1 bill and told me to let the judges see it.

When I said that a $1 bill wouldn't work to bribe the judges, he responded "It's not for bribing them, it's to let them see you actually holding a note!"

How do judges learn who's guilty and who's not?

By trial and error.

John was in the fertilized egg business.

He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do Irish Judges and women have in common?

According to irish law they both deserve to be assaulted

One for wearing thongs, the other for wearing a sexy wig.

What did the judges say to the winner of the farting contest?

Conflatulations!

Where do judges eat when they go to the mall?

The food court

What do judges take with their vodka?

Just ice. They like it served cold.

God judges Satan vs Jesus in computer programming war.

God tells Satan and Jesus they are supposed to create the perfect computer program.

Satan starts off strong and within the first fifteen minutes has the rough architecture of his program figured out and designed.

30 minutes in and Satan is cruising along. Satan is getting all the laye...

I don't understand why everyone judges me for being a stay at home parent...

I mean yeah my kid doesn't actually exist, but I still feel like I do a good job.

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