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Joins Jokes

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony

On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'

The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'

...

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A man joins an order of Monks.

A man goes to join an order of monks.

The head Monk says to the man "This is a silent order. You will only be allowed to speak once, every 15 years."

The man says "Ok" and so begins his time with the silent order.

15 years pass and the man is sitting in the refectory when the h...

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A teenage monk joins a monastery and is told the rules.

Which basically consist of this: silence at all times except, every 20 years, you are allowed to appear before the head monk and speak two words. In his enthusiasm, he agrees.

Twenty years pass. A little disillusioned, he appears before the head monk, the same one who hired him. "Speak your t...

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A guy runs away and joins the French Foreign Legion...

...and a couple of squaddies show him around. "Here's where we camp, here's the toilet, and here's the camel for when you get horny."

"What?" the guy says, incredulous.

"Yeah," the squaddies say. "Here there are no women--not even photos are allowed."

"No way am I using that cam...

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A man joins a ship's crew as a cook

A man finds himself as the cook on a ship that has just set off on a voyage. He does a quick survey of the kitchen. Everything seems good except in the pantry he finds several bags of potatoes that are all shaped like penises. "That's weird," he thinks as he goes and finds the captain.
...

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A woman joins a country club, and when she hears some guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."


He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.


They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."


She's there at 6:30 am. sharp ...

An Australian joins the UN Peacekeeping Corps

On his second day, his American Drill Instructor is going down the line, grilling the recruits.

He gets to the Australian, and screams "Did you come here to die?!"

To which the Australian replies "Nah mate, I came here yesterday."

A young man joins the army.

He promises to call his father every week and update him on how things are going. A few months in he calls home and tells his dad that they started doing parachute jumps this week.

Knowing that his son is greatly afraid of heights, the father asked how it went. "Well, I said I wasn't going t...

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A young monk joins a monastery

He enters the building and is greeted with a sight of many hardworking monks rigorously copying from seemingly new manuscripts onto paper. He makes his way through the busy scene and heads to the head monk's quarters.

The head monk greets the new monk warmly and shows him to his writing stat...

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a man joins the navy

A man joins the navy and is shipped out immediately to an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.
The captain is showing the new recruit around the ship, when the recruit asks the captain what the sailors do to satisfy their urges when they're at sea for so long.
"Let me show you,...

Actors strike update: Kevin Bacon joins the picket line in sweltering Hollywood

He's going to sizzle out there

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A young man joins the Army.

A brave young man during WW2 decides he is going to join Army and show his father he is ready to be a man.
The father who was a veteran himself, and thought this is exactly what his son would need.
His son was always small, scared, and afraid of hard work.

“About time you finally deci...

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A married couple were sitting at their dinner table when the wife says, "I cannot believe it!"

The husband looks up and asks, "you can't believe what?"

The wife turns her phone around and shows him what she was reading.

"Did you know, in Las Vegas, you can make $400 just for giving a BJ! Easy money! Fuck you, I'm out of here!"

She goes to the bedroom and starts packing a...

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A guy joins a monastery

A guy goes to join a monastery while he's waiting for the monastery to accept him and his vowels of silence he's allowed to ask things about what they do at the monastery.

They guy feeling a little on the horny side one day pulls a monk to the side and asks him quietly what to do when he's g...

A husband and a wife are waiting at the bus stop..

A Husband and a wife are waiting at the bus stop with their 10 children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
Soon, the bus arrives, but it is overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.

After a whil...

Bobby joins the military.

Recruitment sergeant: what would you like to achieve?
Bobby: I want to be a general after 2 years.
Recruitment sergeant: are you insane?
Bobby: is that required?

A Scientologist, a Catholic, and a Mormon are talking about their families.

The Scientologist jokes, "I've got 4 kids. One more and I'll have a basketball team!" The Catholic joins in and says, "Well I've got 10 kids, and one more I'll have a football team!". The Mormon speaks up and deadpans. "I've got 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."

A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee.

On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone, "Get me a coffee, quickly!"The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?""No," replied the trainee."It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"T...

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New camp cook joins a cattle drive..

Cowboys are all out herding the cattle. Cook sees an old sheep tied to the back of a wagon. Figures he can use it for dinner. Butchers and cooks up the sheep. Cowboys come back to camp hungry. As they are enjoying their meal, one of the cowboys looks around and can’t see the sheep. New camp coo...

A man joins a monastery where you may only speak once a year

After the first year he says to the head monk "food sucks".
After the second year he says "bed is hard"
After the 3rd year he says "I quit".

The head monk says " I'm not surprised, you've done nothing but complain since you got here".

Three friends are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and ...

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A new Swabbie joins a Pirate's crew.

A new Swabbie joins a Pirate's crew. He goes to the Captain's quarters and meets the Pirate Captain. He's a grizzled man with a peg leg, a hook hand, and an eye patch.

Swabbie: Ahoy Captain, it's looks like you've had quite the history.

Cpt: Aye, I've been sailing these seven seas sinc...

Guy joins the Army...

... but they are out of bayonets and ammo. They tell him to run into battle yelling "Bangitty bangitty bang!!! "Stabbity stabbity stab!"

Much to his surprise, enemy soldiers are dropping all around him.

Then, this really big enemy comes over the hill. The guy yells, "Bangitty bangit...

a murderer joins a party

he killed the mood instantly

A Scotsman joins a cult on a farm.

On the night that they are to commit mass suicide, the cult members gather in the farmhouse livingroom, and the elders send the Scotsman on one final task.

A few minutes after the he leaves the room, the members hear a loud "Moo!" from the barn. Moments later, the Scotsman returns, zipping up...

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A man joins a monastery and takes a vow.

A man goes to a monastery and asks to join. The Abbot agrees to accept him under one condition. "You must take a vow of silence, and you are only allowed to speak 2 words every 5 years upon reaching your anniversary of taking that vow".

The man agrees, and in due course he takes his vows. 5 ...

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A man joins a new hunting club.

His first night at the lodge, he asks around for the guy with the best hunting stories.

“The man over there in the wheelchair is named James. He’s 90 years old and has been hunting all over the world for 70 years. He’s got some great stories”.

So the man walks over, introduces himself...

A man joins the mob and becomes the personal assistant to the Godfather

One day he receives a text message from the boss. "I've been having problems with my wife. Please pull the plug and then call someone in to take care of the matter."

The man knows better than to question the Godfather, so he dutifully carries out the command. He shoots the boss's wife, and th...

A man joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence.

As part of his vow, he can come before the Abbot once every five years and say whatever he wants, but it can only be two words long.

Five years come and go and the man stands before the Abbot . They ask if he has anything to say and he responds "Bad Food." He is then dismissed and returns to ...

An electrical current joins the air force

He was too afraid to fly over enemy ohmland because he was worried he'd be grounded.

A woman joins the army....

A woman was walking through a store when she noticed a colorful flyer pinned to a billboard. It reads:

JOIN THE ARMY NOW! You will receive benefits such as:
• Free college education
• Many veteran benefits
• Experience in many fields of work
• Travel
• Any free car after a sp...

A statistics major drops out of college and joins the army

During marksmanship training his first shot flys a meter above the target, his spotter tells him “miss. one meter high, aim lower”

His second shot lands really low below the target. His spotter says to him “Miss. One meter low”

“Oh so I hit it?” Says the statistician.

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A fat businessman joins a gym... [NSFW]

As he emerges from the shower in the locker room one of the trainers notices him toweling off.

"You must be a new member here", the trainer says. "What caused you to join our gym?"

"Well," says the businessman, "I've been getting out of shape for so long, I realized one day that it's b...

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A man joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence

He is told by the abbot that on the anniversary of his vow, he can speak one sentence. A year goes by and on the first anniversary, the monk says: "My bed is uncomfortable."

Another years goes by. On the anniversary, the monk tells the abbot: "The food is cold."

Yet another year goes b...

Steve joins the suicide bomber squad

When he is given a mission to suicide in the enemies camp, his leader supplies him a lot of weapons and bombs stacked to his body and a mobile for communications.

He lands up in the enemy's camp, called his boss: Sir, there are 2 enemies soldier, can I suicide now?

Leader: No, not for ...

A man joins the navy...

As he’s being shown around, the commanding officer tells him that from now on he’ll work in laundry. Thirty minutes later the commanding officer came back and took the recruit to the boiler room, telling him he’ll work there. After another thirty minutes the officer comes back and tells the recruit ...

A young novice joins a Silent Monastery. He is permitted to speak two words every 10 years.

After the first Decade he is admitted to the Abbot's study, sits across from him at his desk, and says: "Soup cold". After the second Decade, he does the same and says: "Bed hard". Once thirty years have passed, he stands at the threshold and declares: "I'm leaving"! Whereupon the Abbot slowly looks...

If Caitlyn Jenner joins the mafia

Would she become a made man or a self-made woman?

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A man joins a soccer team.

His new teammates inform him,

"At your first team dinner as the new guy, you will have to give us a talk about sex.


" The evening arrives and he gives a detailed, humorous account of his sex life.


When he got home, his wife asked how the evening went and not wanting to...

A young monk joins a monastery

After 2 weeks or so, he starts craving for a fap session and confesses about it to the head monk, thinking he would help him through a rough patch.
The head monk looks left and right and says carefully: "follow me"
He then proceeds to take him to the library, pulls a few books and a secret ent...

A man joins a Tibetan temple

He takes a vow of silence but is allowed to say two words every year.

After an arduous 12 months of eating rice, sleeping on a wooden bed with a raggedy blanket, and working 14-hour days in the field, the man goes to the head monk and says his two words:

“More blankets.”

Anoth...

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A young man tells his Mom he’s gay

A young man decides that the upcoming holiday is a good time to tell his Mom that he's gay. He's in college, making new friends, and will eventually want to bring one of them home to meet the family. He spends the drive home going over the conversation, what he'll say, what she'll say, how he'll ans...

Mike joins a new school.

After school is over he returns home to his mother.

Mom: So Mike, how was your day today?

Mike: It was great! We learned about explosive materials in our lab today.

Mom: That sounds interesting, so what will you learn in school tomorrow?

Mike: What school?

An Australian Man Joins the U.S. Army

As they present themselves at boot camp, the drill sergeant walks up and down the line, looking for signs of weakness.

He stops and gets in the Australian's face and asks "Did you come here to die soldier?"

The Australian calmly responds, "No sir, I came here yester-die."

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A Man Joins A Monastery, And Takes A Vow Of Silence, Only Allowed To Say Two Words Every Christmas

Every day, they grow their own food and maintain the monastery, all while silently praying.

On the first Christmas, he goes to the abbot and says, "Food's cold." The abbot nods and blesses him.

On the second Christmas, he tells the abbot, "Work's hard." The abbot nods and blesses him....

Bernie Sanders joins list of 2020 Democratic Presidential candidates.

Err sorry, typo. That should be:
Bernie Sanders joins list of 2,020 Democratic Presidential candidates.

A Hillbilly joins the army

Next day while in training

General- Did you come here to die?

Hillbilly- No sir, I came here yester-die

A monk joins an abbey ready to dedicate his life to copying ancient books by hand

After the first day though, he reports to the head priest. He's concerned that all the monks have been copying from copies made from still more copies.

"If someone makes a mistake" he points out "It would be impossible to detect. Even worse, the error would continue to be made"

A bit s...

A woman dies and goes to the afterlife. They tell her:

\- You were a righteous woman in your life. You may go to Heaven, here is the queue.

She joins the queue, starts waiting... suddenly, she hears a horrible scream.

\- What was that? - she asks a nearby angel.

\- Well, a new soul is being converted into an angel, so they drill ho...

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A man gets sick of it all and joins a monastery

He travels to Nepal, hikes high into the mountains and finds a monastery. The head monk informs him that they would accept him if he dresses the part, does his work, and learns the ways of peace and meditation. The man agrees. The head monk tells him, "one last thing, you must take a vow of silen...

No one knowingly joins a patriarchal society.

They get grandfathered in.

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A blonde joins a book club.

She goes along to the first meeting and it's her turn to share what she's been reading this week.

"Well, it took me a while to finish, but this was a brilliant read and I highly recommend it". She pulls out a bookmark and shows it to the group.

One of the members says, "Um... That's no...

A Northern Irishman joins a handbell choir...

They decide to play a fast-paced complex piece. Soon, they realize no one can play the fastest part of the song. They go around and ask all the performers if they can play. Everyone they ask, unfortunately, can not perform the segment. Finally, they ask the Irishman is he can perform the segment. He...

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This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table.

He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.<...

A man joins the French Foreign Legion...

During the training, they spend all their time in the desert. Nothing but desert day after day, week after week, marching up and down dunes and across flat yellow plains.

Eventually one of the men starts sobbing. Another man turns to him and asks what is wrong.

"I joined the Legion to...

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A man joins the French Foriegn Legion...

..to forget something. After a while, he had certainly forgotten why he joined, but being a lifetime commitment, he decided to make due.

Nothing was horrible, except for the fact that his small desert outpost was totally devoid of women. After a couple of weeks of build up, he went to his se...

What does a corn become when it joins the military?

Colonel

Crow joins two other feasting on a dead rat...

says - a murder, eh?!

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A man joins the foreign legion...

...in an attempt to escape his past, he does the training, serves for 3 years with distinction and is selected for NCO training. Having passed at the top of his class, his instructor says he can have a reward
'Its been a while since I've been with a woman...'
'say no more' says the instuctor ...

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Private Snafu joins the army.

Always last in line for mess, roll or runs, he was also last in line when they passed out equipment. When he gets to the guy handing out guns, the box is empty.
"What the hell am I supposed to do without a gun?!" Snafu asks.
The warren officer thinks for a second. Picking up a mop, he begins ...

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A man joins the crew of a sailing ship.

After a few days he gets restless and asks "What does one do about sex around here?"

The others direct him to a large barrel with a hole in it. At first he does not like the idea much but, when he tries it, he finds it surprisingly enjoyable. He has another go the next day, and again the d...

Son-in-law joins the family business

A successful businessman sat down with his new son-in-law to discuss his role in the family business. He said to him, "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family. To show you how much I care, I've made you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every d...

In the 1930s, a guy joins the French Foreign Legion.

He's stationed in the middle of the desert in Algeria. After about 6 months there, he approaches his Sargent and says, "You know, I've been here 6 months and I was wondering . . . What do we do for female companionship?"

The Sarge replies, "About every 8 months a wild herd of camels passes th...

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A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence

...but he is allowed to speak two words every decade. After ten years go by he goes up to the abbot and says carefully: "bad food."

Ten more years go by and he again goes up to the abbot and thinks carefully and says: "hard bed."

Finally at the end of ten more years he goes up to the ...

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