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Insulting Jokes

How to be insulting

A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table.

He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!"

She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?"

The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Did you hear about the guy on the Oregon Trail who was shot for insulting the leader of his wagon train?

He died from dissin’ Terry.

When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath.

I still don't know if I like self-checkout.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The cocky exponential function e^x is strolling along the road insulting the functions he sees walking by.

He scoffs at a wandering polynomial for the shortness of its Taylor series. He snickers at a passing smooth function of compact support and its glaring lack of a convergent power series about many of its points. He positively laughs as he passes |x| for being nondifferentiable at the origin. He smil...

my friends kept on insulting me saying I have no sense of direction.

So I packed my things and right.

A man is on a street corner in Moscow yelling “The president is an idiot “

Police surround him and handcuff him. They say “it is illegal to insult President Putin”

He says “You don’t understand I mean the Ukrainian president, Zelensky, he is the one I was insulting “

The police captain says “you can’t fool us, everyone knows who the idiot is”

The other day I asked my younger cousin if he’d rather get $1 for complimenting a stranger or $10 for insulting a stranger

In that instant he looked me in the eye and called me a “Freak of nature”. I quickly reminded him that I’m not a stranger because we know each other. To which he replies “There’s nobody stranger than you”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did You Know Hitler Was Good At Insulting People

He at one point Roasted 6 Million Jews.

Someone got 25 years in prison for saying Putin was an idiot

5 years for insulting the leader and 20 years for revealing state secrets.

Some numbers are insulting each other

*i* to π : your decisions are so *irrational*

1 to *i:* your expectations are too *imaginary*

π to 1: you have an absolute *unit* of a beer belly

3 to -1: you are always so *negative*

*i* to 3: don't you think you're a little *odd*?

1 to 1/2: you are only but a *...

A Russian enters a bar full of Turkish people.

He's wearing a t-shirt with bright lettering "Turkish got 3 problems."

Just a few seconds later the Turkishs oppose him and say "Hey, yopu know what you're wearing is insulting?"
The russian responds: "This is your first problem: You're so easily offended."

The Turkish respond: "Oka...

One day a baseball umpire brought his son to a game to watch him work. Dutmring the game, the umpire was rude and insulting, even to the point of spitting and cursing the players. At the end of the game he knelt down and beckoned his son to come sit on his knee. The boy refused saying . . .

The son never sits on the brutish umpire.

A Scottish Canadian man called me on my radio talk show. He started insulting me and repeating what I said in a weird voice

It was call-in mockery

In order to stay healthy during this pandemic, I’ve been dancing in public while insulting people.

I practice social diss dancing.

What’s the most insulting thing you can say to a commedian?

Ok Schumer

A woman gets on a bus with her baby.

The driver says, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." Stunned, the woman sits down and complains to the man next to her. "I can't believe that rude driver! He was so insulting to me! I have half I mind to tell him off!" The man replies, "You should. Let him have it. Here, I'll hold your monkey ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two breast implants were arguing. After very insulting comment the other replied:

”That was so low, now you’re making an ass of yourself.”

OC. Using my time on the train productively. Sorry.

A man was arrested for telling a joke which called Vladimir Putin stupid.

He was tried and sentenced to 15 years and 3 months in a work camp.


When asked about the strangely specific sentence, the judge explained that he gave 3 months for insulting the president, and 15 years for divulging state secrets.

Did you hear about the man who was found dead shortly after insulting one Mr. T Crews?

He died of dissin' Terry.

A man insults the Tsar.

A man yells in the street: "Nicholas is a moron!". He is taken away by the police on charges of *lese majeste* (insulting the monarch).

He tells the policemen "Please let me go, I meant another Nicholas!".

The police chief replies: "Do not lie. If you said 'moron', you certainly mea...

Need help solving a joke with no punchline

In April 1998, Roger Ebert published his review of Paulie, a movie about a talking bird on a road trip. He wrapped up the essay with a joke he claims to have made up.

"On the other hand, just to be fair, I should mention that parrots make great subjects for jokes. I know about a dozen, includ...

A man buys a parrot and brings him home.

But the parrot starts insulting him and gets really nasty, so the man picks up the parrot and tosses him into the freezer to teach him a lesson. He hears the bird squawking for a few minutes, but all of a sudden the parrot is quiet. The man opens the freezer door, the parrot walks out, looks up at h...

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