UPJOKE
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If 2 vegan rappers are dissing each other...

Is it still considered having a beef?

I was going to make a joke on rappers

But I got diss-trackted

Leaving my kids a diss track as their inheritance

Call that an ill will

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Whenever people diss me i don't care

Because jokes are like big dicks

I know how to take them

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A guy in my English class was dissing my boy Oedipus.

So I said, "Well unlike you, he was unaware that he was fucking his mom."

...

I thought of this joke last night when I was supposed to be asleep. Someone tell me if this was already posted before.

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I get pretty horny when someone disses me over the Internet.

I always get e-rekt.

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You meet a man on the Oregon trail...

You meet a man on the Oregon trail that tells you his name is Terry. You laugh and tell him that Terry is a girls' name. Without hesitation Terry pulls out a gun and shoots you dead. You have died of dissin Terry.

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If Hitler was a rapper, he would make the best diss tracks.

He was good at roasting people.

I made a diss track about s’mores only one artist said it was hot

Marshmello

I've been trying to sell a rap themed shirt with the greatest disses of all time on it, but apparently it's not selling well.

I'll have to up the discount.

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If I was dissing someone’s butt...

Would you call it a rump roast?

Sweet dreams are made of cheese...

Who am I to diss a brie?

My roommate dissed my cooking and walked out of the kitchen.

So I threw a spice jar at the back of his head.
He never saw that cumin.

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And for my next trick, I will dissapear

Fuck you pear, you taste like shit

What do you call a convention for lizard rappers?

A reptile diss function.

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My rap album never made big-bucks

Cause of the diss-counts

My doctor recommended exposure therapy to get over my fear of being insulted, so she set me up with a specialist.

It turned out to be a great diss appointment.

Did you hear about the diss that was written in braille?

The guy really felt that

My friend and I had arranged a meeting to insult each other but he didn't show up

It was a diss appointment

Yo Mama jokes hit differently when you're Indian

Like are you dissing my mum or my uncle? I need clarity

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I have a condition where my boner spontaneously shouts insults at people

I suffer from an Erectile Diss Function.

I’m so good at making fun of people…

They say I have a diss ability.

In order to stay healthy during this pandemic, I’ve been dancing in public while insulting people.

I practice social diss dancing.

What's the difference between a magician and a rapper?

A magician will disappear, while a rapper will diss-a-peer.

Please enjoy my best ever Star Wars themed joke...

Irving was proud of his daughter Faith. She was the prettiest, smartest, most charming girl in all the Empire. And when Faith was asked to attend the Winter Gala by Conan Antonio, Irving was justifiably pleased, for Conan was a well-decorated and many-times-promoted military man of great respect....

I've created a company whereby people hire us to insult the people they don't like.

We're doing a diss service.

Social distancing

I logged on to Facebook the other day only to post on my daughter's wall that she's a horrible dancer.
She asked why I would do such a thing.
I told her because I heard we were supposed to be "social diss dancing"

The wind whispered insults in my ear today

It was really diss gusting

At the ceramic tile factory they have employee parties where they make the tiles stand on edge. Instead of commending the skill involved they make fun of eachother.

It is an erect tile diss function.

Im currently doing my dissertation on the safety of a new handheld device for the world health organisation

New phone WHO diss

I'm taking the Manic Street Preachers around rural England.

If they tolerate Diss, then the Chilterns will be next.

If somebody makes a play just to insult someone...

Would it be called a diss-play?

If Eminem was a mathematician,

he would only diss-a-point.

My friend Eric believes his true purpose in life is to write put-downs on the back of kitchen tiles

He calls it his Eric-tile diss-function

If I can't focus on my work because someone is rapping about me

then I've been diss track-ted

What happened to the guy who called Terry Crews muscles too small?

He died of dissing terry

Polyphemus the cyclops learns his assaulter's name and yells to Poseidon to strike him down Poseidon asks why?

Polyphemus:
"He's O-dissing-us"

I remember when a YouTuber's main aim was to entertain

Now they're all diss-track-ted

Why did the Navy captain have a hard time keeping up his insults of the island people?

He had a wrecked isle diss function.

The camping story

A couple of years ago I went out camping in the woods with a few of my friends. It was a dark and stormy night, and we felt very alone in our little tent, so we started telling scary stories.

I described how the hills we were in used to be coal mining country, and the coal mines were dark and...

A long time ago, a father, visiting America from Europe for...

...the very first time, went up and down the aisles with his son-in-law at the local store.

He constantly asked questions about products he saw: "Vas diss? Powdered orange juice?"

"Yeh, Dad. You just add a little water, and you have fresh 'orange juice.'"

A few minutes later, in...

Ted decided to go start a youtube channel

This youtube channel was solely for making diss tracks about famous youtubers. Unfortunately, his first one was not successful, it was incredibly bad, and so he got thousands of dislikes. Undiscouraged, Ted made a few more diss tracks and uploaded them, only to get hate messages and death threats so...

It was the mid-1820’s when Phillip and his brother Terrance decided that they wanted to better their lives.

So the two brothers packed a wagon with everything they owned and started out from their small home in Missouri. The trail to Oregon was very tough and the relationship between the brothers was already stressed at best.

Phillip, being the older brother, was constantly very critical of his you...

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These puns are Capital!

So I had a productive day at work coming up with these Capital City puns a year ago today. Thought they were too good not to share!

Why did the Geordie arrange a holiday to Romania?

To book a rest!

Bob Mortimer was speaking to his comedy partner's wife saying he wanted to take h...

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"You're a shit quay!" I shouted. Everyone looked at me like I was a weirdo, but I blame my girlfriend.

She was the one that told me to diss a pier.

Frank says to Bob: "I saw some Grees down by the river. We should go insult them."

Bob replies: "Frank, you know I'd never diss a Gree with you."

Sweet dreams

My father used to tell me that to have a good night's sleep, he must insult dairy products, but he always felt it wasn't his place to yell at cheeses.

I never questioned him until one day I couldn't stand it anymore and asked him why he felt that way

He looked me in the eye and said: "...

My childhood memories of Christmas are dominated by the time I sneaked downstairs one Christmas Eve and heard my mother telling Father Christmas that he was a fat, lazy, good for nothing drunken slob...

I saw mommy dissing Santa Claus...

A man once called a pier the ugliest eyesore he'd ever seen, but was then never seen again.

I guess you could say he diss-a-pier-ed.

If a man named Terry Richards kills you because you insulted him; what did you die of?

Dissing Terry.

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