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My grandfather inspired me to be a writer

He died choking on a peanut butter sandwich. I will never forget his last words: "Happy pen... happy pen..."

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I participated in a joke writing competition on this sub three years ago.

The mods laid out 4 simple rules quite clearly:

1. For the following two days, all posts on this sub would be considered as entries for the competition.

2. The post with the most upvotes would be declared as the winner, i.e., the best joke. The number of upvotes until the end o...

An atheist decides he was to be Jewish...

An atheist is inspired by the Jewish philosophy and approach to religion, how it's built around questioning and responding with more and deeper questions. He's not sold on the God stuff, but decides he can look past that if it means getting to engage with a thoughtful, inquisitive community.

...

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Inspired by the earlier post, I asked my wife if I too could get anal on my cake day.

She said “sure” and then introduced me to her ‘work mate’, Winston.

Einstein says that object with high mass distorts time.

I bet he was inspired by China's time zone system.

Comrade Stalin is giving a speech...

Inspired by the recent post by /u/JTRuno:

Comrade Stalin is giving a speech to a packed house when someone in the crowd - a factory worker named Boris - sneezes.

Stalin stops. He sets down his notes and asks "who sneezed?".

Silence. You could hear a pin drop.

"I ask again...

How many journalists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three:

One to report it as an inspired government program to bring light to the poor.
One to report it as a conspiracy to deprive the poor of darkness.
And one to win a Pulitzer Prize for reporting that the electric company hired someone to break the lightbulb in the first place.
...

In other news

Inspired by Colin Mochrie's 6:00 News on Who's Line, I tried to come up with my own.

We now return you to your 6:00 news. I'm your host, Armand Dangerous. Earlier today, a man who lost a digit to his foot after a grievous skiing accident underwent a groundbreaking surgery where he requested t...

Whenever I see Instagram models working out, I am inspired to do my own workout.

Unfortunately, it's only for my left arm.

My uncle always inspired me because he used to do what he loved.

Me.

I saw an ad for Ultra Light beer...

You gotta tie the bottles down otherwise they float away.

(Steven Wright inspired this one)

I am really inspired by countries and companies that hire people with disabilities.

I am really inspired by countries and companies that hire people with disabilities.

Even people with learning disabilities and mental issues are able to get a job and make a living.

A great example of this excellent trait is the USA, where a disabled man is the president.

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This is a joke my dad told me a long time ago. I hope I don't offend anyone.

A young man was inspired to help out with his church's fundraiser. He asked the preacher if he could participate. The preacher, knowing the young man had a bad stutter, only gave him 3 bibles to sell.

The following day the young man returned asking for more. The preacher gave him 5. The follo...

What do you call an operating system inspired by the Mother/Earthbound series that also doubles as a cry for help?

A Ness OS

Inspired by Money Heist: What do you call a bank robbery with no blood spilt?

A stainless steal.

Mexicans in the US should bear responsibility for their Spanish flu

ency, which has inspired so many to learn a second language. True MVPs.

In Soviet Union a Screwdriver is not Orange Juice with Vodka...

It’s Vodka with Orange Juice

(Jokester’s Note: Russian Vodka is the best in the world regarding to taste, which inspired me to make this joke, love y’all(as far as a westerner goes))

God help me if this is a recent repost, but it's so bad it's good.

A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.

When their first child was born, he let his wife name her.

She named the ba...

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Why do Chinese people love IPhones and Apple products?

Because the greatest gifts are the ones your children made.

(inspired by u/lorenzomofo 's comment on a
r/nextfuckinglevel post)

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Inspired by a church sign that read “Tell someone that they matter”

I pulled my daughter aside and said to her in my most sincere voice: “Unlike energy, you occupy space and possess rest mass.”

Inspired by another Michael Jackson joke in the thread today . . .

How can you tell when Michael Jackson has company over?

Big Wheels in the driveway.

A joke inspired by my 5 year old daughter who was trying to make up jokes.... why was the booger who was stuck in your nose so upset?

Because he wasn't picked yet.

Obviously this is where dad jokes and humor come from.

What did the Janitor call his safety warning inspired metal band?

Slip not.

I helped my daughter build an impervious armor inspired by her junior high coach.

He is the perviest.

Someone just tried to break into a famous Parks and Rec-inspired restaurant.

They wanted to rob Rob Lowe's low-cal calzone zone.

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Inspired by a u/Goshfather writing prompts response

Kotopoulos and Alogos are sitting in a bar in ancient Thebes. Kotopoulos is speaking to his friend saying, “...So I’m looking both ways, and getting ready to cross the street, when all of a sudden—hey, Alogos! Why the long face? I’m tryina tell a story here!”

Suddenly the man sitting on the o...

While hiking at the Grand Canyon for the first time, my girlfriend was inspired by the view.

She confidently walked up to the edge and she turned to me and said "Ya know, I really want to make a difference. I really want to make an impact on this world."

...All she needed was a little push in the right direction.

Heinrich, Beethoven's manservant, said to him one day: "Master, what is it that inspires you?"

"Why, you, Heinrich!" Beethoven exclaimed.

Heinrich laughed. "Oh, master, you are such a wit! A genius like you - with four great symphonies to his name already! - inspired by a dullard like me! Oh, that's a good one! Ha ha ha *haaa!* Ha ha ha *haaa*!"

Inspired by “Vulture Culture”: two vultures are boarding a plane, one of them is dragging a dead chicken. The gate attendant stops them and says:

I’m sorry sir, but this airline does not allow carrion.

What rests on the ground between my feet and is covered in ants?

My ice cream cone. =(

*Inspired by actual events.

Professor: What inspired you to write this essay?

Student: The due date.

This joke was inspired by a IRL event

I went to the kitchen, and I looked up through the skylight windows. I then noticed a plastic Rite Aid bag that was stuck in a tree.

My dad saw me looking up, and he asked me, "What are you looking at?"

I said to him, "There is a Rite Aid bag in the tree."

He asked me, "Do you ...

Some might doubt that TV shows inspired hundreds of thousands of people to raid Area 51 looking for supernatural beings

but I've seen stranger things

Inspired by "A man walks into a bar with a labrador"

Made me think of this gem:

Why dont blind people go skydiving?

It scares the sh*t out of the dog.

Interviewer: what inspired your theory on gravity?

Newton: well, I fell off the toil—...............
Agent [leans into the mic]: an apple fell on his head...

What happens when musician Gene Simmons opens up a jewelry shop inspired by his Israeli heritage?

Family Jew-els :)

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Inspired by some of my favorite subs like r/earthporn and r/roomporn, I decided to start a sub built around the most beautiful thing I’ve ever photographed.

Now my main account has been banned and the FBI is at my door to ask me about r/newbornporn. I think I could be in some trouble here.

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A joke that’s got me various death threats

So there was a horse, and this horse was really talented. He was great on guitar. One day he found himself watching youtube and stumbled upon a Jimi Hendrix song which inspired him to start a cover. He practised this cover really hard, eventually becoming inspired to create a cover of a whole Jimi H...

Of all the people in my life that have inspired me to achieve greatness...

I would say the most inspirational was an obese man I saw cliff jump into the sea.

He had a massive impact.

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The horse, the cow, and the chicken[LONG]

So a horse, a cow, and a chicken live on a farm. One day their owner goes on vacation but accidentally leaves the TV on. The animals peek in the window and witness a rock concert on the TV, theyre inspired.

So the horse calls up guitar center, and asks “hey I want to learn the guitar, but the...

Autocorrect Inspired Poem

It means no worries

For the rest of your days

Haiku na Mattatta

What do you call it after cowboys eat beans at high noon?

A toot-out at the O.K. Corral.

(Don’t be mean. Inspired by my 2 month old.)

There are two kinds of people.

Those who don't understand exponential growth and those who explain it to at least two people from the first group.


(Inspired by covid. Yeah, I know it kind of sucks but I am posting it here with hope that someone will come up with a better wording in comments).

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What do you get when you cross

A rooster with a telephone pole?


A forty foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.


You probably have to be my age to remember the commercial that inspired this one but I still like it and it's my cake day so nah nah.

Four guys are driving cross country together.

One each from Idaho, Iowa, Florida, and New York.

A bit down the road the man from Idaho starts to pull potatoes from his bag and throws them out the window.

The man from Iowa asks, "What are you doing?" The man from Idaho says, "We have so many of these in Idaho they're laying around ...

This is a Mitch Hedberg inspired joke

So I was moving a refrigerator and I needed some extra strength. Instead of grabbing some Tylenol, I snagged a couple of Altoids instead. Cause I'll admit, I was curious...

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A Bear and A Rabbit (Inspired by Eddie Murphy)(Long and Dirty)

A Bear and A Rabbit are walking through the woods, when they come across a magic lamp in a clearing. Upon further investigation, and only 1 attempt to eat it, they release the genie inside who graciously grants them each 3 wishes.

Bear, who lives in the moment quickly says:

"I wish th...

Inspired by Ye and the Rock, Justin Timberlake decides to run for president

And the first thing he decides to do once elected is try to make things with the Russians the same as once before, and tries to make them give up Crimea. But Putin and the gang are having none of it. In an attempt to make a compromise with them, Justin proposes a sort of dam which would allow Russia...

Millions of children are being inspired by seeing their first presidential election.

If a misogynistic con artist and a lying criminal can run for president, then so can that kid eating dirt on the playground.

Disillusioned with the Republican Party, Donald Trump gets inspired...

Disillusioned with the Republican party, Trump wakes up one day with an idea. Summoning Mike Pence to his office, he lays out his vision.

"Mike, the Republican Party is a relic of the past. We need to start fresh with a brand new party of loyal Americans."

"That's brilliant sir, but wh...

I told a bunch of jokes I learned from Reddit to my coworkers. One of them was inspired to make his own…

What do you call a convention for Irish people with flesh-eating diseases?

A Leper-Con!

There once was a pirate captain who was regarded as the bravest person in his ship .

Every battle, when his crew reported to him that there was an enemy ship, he would say, “Bring me my red shirt!” Every time he wore that red shirt, his ship would defeat the enemy without fail.

This went on for a long time. Eventually, one deckhand became curious. “Captain,” he asked, “Why do...

Made this one up a couple months ago walking my daughter home from school after a snow day...

My daughter and her friend were telling me that they were building a chair out of snow at recess and it inspired this gem of a dad joke.

If a chair made of snow is a snair,
And a table made of snow is a snable,
What is a house made of snow?
.
.
.
.
.
An igloo of course...

inspired by frontpage's TIL about the guy fawkes mask: how many occupy protesters does it take to change a lightbulb?

none, occupy protesters can't change anything.

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