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Certified Jokes

What do you call a lawyer who is forklift certified?

A shyster on a Hyster!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am not a certified proctologist.

But i know an asshole when i see one.

All pirates medics were required to be certified in

C. P. ARRRRRR.

Voting results have just been certified at my house

My wife will remain in charge for another four years

A new survey shows that 97% of the world is certified stupid.

Luckily I'm in the other 5%.

Husband and wife…………..

A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.

So the couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery....

What test do citrus lawyers have to pass to become certified?

The lemon bar.

How can you tell if your farmer is a certified gangster?

His cornrows are always straight

A sister from a local convent became a Certified Public Accountant to help small shop owners manage their finances better.

Her title: "Nun of Your Business."

Why did the plank lose his job?

He wasn't board certified

A lawyer walks into a bar and the bouncer asks for his ID

The lawyer says "that wont be necessary as I'm bar certified"

A doctor changes Careers.

A Gynecologist is tired of dealing with Insurance companies and decides to become an auto mechanic. He studies hard, and for the final, he needs to diagnose and rebuild an engine. He need an 80 to pass an become a certified Mechanic.

He takes test, and waits for his score.

He g...

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Some guy posted sexy pics of their girlfriend on r/memes

certified bra moment

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Back in the late 1800's when bananas first started gaining popularity in the United States, banana groves weren't the safest of places. There were monkeys pooping all over, porcupines, venomous spiders and snakes in the groves. This caused problems not just for the pickers, but for consumers as well

Anyway Americans started demanding that their bananas be inspected before being imported, so the banana companies started placing stickers on bunches of bananas to indicate they were safe to eat. Of course the banana companies were still cutting corners. The groves still had monkeys, porcupines, sna...

I would never vaccinate my own child because of all the complications

Thats why I leave it to the certified medical professionals to do it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How is this story joke? I created it to present to class tomorrow.

It's supposed to last between 45 seconds to a minute. Is it funny? What can I improve?

A man is driving along a road, and starts to hear a clunking noise coming from under the hood of his car. Luckily for him, an auto repair shop is just down the road. As he drives into the shop’s garage, he’...

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A woman is speeding down the highway

while driving her convertible sports car. She flies past a billboard, behind which is parked a highway patrol officer. Startled by her outrageous velocity, the cop flicks on his lights and siren and pulls out from his hiding spot, tearing up asphalt to close the gap.

She notices his approach...

Probably the longest joke I know

So this man is driving in his car to work, and he hears this beautiful noise that he needs to immediately hear.

He drives to the noise and it brings him to a church where he encounters a priest, the noise is louder now, he asks the priest:

“What is that noise? It is so beautiful!”
<...

The neighbours dog has jumped up into my garden so much that he's totally destroyed the fence.

Figured here's the best place to get it fixed as everyone is a certified reposter.

A bus breaks down and the driver pops the hood to investigate

A blonde passenger who is a certified mechanic comes out with her toolbox, eager to help and show off her training and also give blondes a good reputation for a change. She leans behind the bus driver and sees a loose bolt, so, helpful, she asks: "Fancy a screw driver?"

A former proctologist was getting tired of his job and the relentless teasing of his friends...

...so he decided to explore the field of auto mechanics.

He went to an auto trade school to get certified and generally excelled at everything. After a lengthy time, the day of his final certification test finally arrived. The former proctologist conducted the hands-on practical and then ea...

A man decided that he wanted to learn how to scuba dive.

He spent weeks getting certified, and hundreds of dollars on all of the top of the line equipment he could get - fins, a wetsuit, a mask, and even a waterproof notebook with a pen that could write underwater.

When he finally got down underwater for the first time, he was surprised to see a m...

A man walks into a bar in Los Angeles, carrying a large wooden box

A man walks into a bar in Los Angeles, carrying a large wooden box.

The bartender is quite curious and asks the man what’s inside.

“I’ll show you if you get me a beer”, the man says.

The bartender accepts the deal and gets the guest a beer. He then opens the box and takes out a ...

A gynecologist decides to make a career change...

He always loved cars, and because he made so much money, salary really didnt matter to him. He decides to become a mechanic. He approaches his local shop and inquires about a job. "You need to get certified first" says the head mechanic, "ill give you the test myself, in the shop."

The doctor...

Boudreaux, Tibideaux, and Pierre want to work for the FBI...

But being 3 Cajuns from the south proved a challenge, since they weren't the brightest bunch, but they tried their hardest. After taking courses for 2 years the three had a good chance of passing.

It all came to a final test, a loyalty test. The instructor said to the Cajuns, "The final test ...

The Hardest Question for a Man

A man has a wife that oftened ask the hardest question when ever they quarreled.

"If your mum and i both fell into the ocean, who would you rescue from drowning?"

He has always managed to deflect the question but it was getting harder to do so as time passed.

One day he shared h...

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A politician, drug dealer, beekeeper, priest, doctor, lawyer, accountant, engineer, prostitute, programmer, nurse, chef, forensic analyst, biologist, truck driver and a writer walk into a bar

It is a big bar. Very big one. And empty, or at least it was empty until this large group of people entered it.

They all form a queue in front of the bar and order drinks one by one. The politician gets a Heineken, the drug dealer orders a Budweiser, the beekeeper gets a mead, the priest buy...

A joke my dad has been telling for 45 years

My dad played high school baseball, and the second baseman, John, eventually grew up to be a very successful accountant and married his high school sweetheart. Over the next 25 years, John also collected rare and antique baseball cards, eventually accumulating the world's most expensive collection…<...

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