A poor old lady was forced to sell her valuables to avoid eviction.

As she rummaged through her dusty belongings, she came across a dull copper kettle. Intrigued by it’s possible value the old woman dusted it off and BAM! A genie erupted from its neck.

The genie says “I have seen your plights, and will grant you three wishes.”

The woman, astounded, t...

Two men go for a run with their dogs.

They jog around the park for nearly an hour before one of the guys asks his friend if he wants to get a drink. The other guy says yes, so they jog to a small pub not far from the park. Unfortunately, there is a “no dogs” sign posted on the door.

“Don’t worry,” one of the guys says, “follow m...

Harvey's grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day.

He loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop. In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss but has a heavy German accent asks Harvey, "Vat sims to be ze problem?"

Harvey says, "I'm not sure, but it doesn't go 'tick- tock-tick-tock' anymore. Now it just goes 'tick......

A hideous little orc is in the kingdom's capital, looking to acquire medicine for his sick mom.

Nobody can stand the sight of him, with some even threatening violence of he doesn't leave.
He finds and alchemist's medicine shop at the market and tells him about his mother's illness.

"Ah, but of course!" says the alchemist, "It's clearly a case of Sakiara Fever. It's not very common at...

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A 10 year old and Albert Einstein play a game

Both of them will take turns to ask each other a question and if one can't answer the other's question, he has to pay the other a sum of money.

To make the game fair, if the boy fails to answer a question, he only has to pay Einstein 5 dollars, on the other hand, if Einstein fails, he has to...

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My buddies and I where out for a night on the town.

We ended up at a high end bar with a dress code.All my buddies being the suave dudes they are where dressed accordingly with suits and ties but I alas was not. See you on the other side fucker they all yelled out as they went in laughing. Well there I was, out in the cold left out,abandoned.Not to b...

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One day Adam and Eve notice God standing before them, holding a bag

"Hi, God. What's in the bag?" asked Eve.

"These are a couple of things that were left over from creation that I thought you two would be interested in." God rummages around in the bag a moment. "Okay who wants to be able to pee standing up?"

Adam immediately puts his hand up in the air...

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stranded in the desert.

Their car broke down so they all agree to grab something from the car to help them survive. The Brunette shuffles around and grabs food. The Redhead rummages through the trunk and pulls out water. They are talking saying that it’s to prevent them from starving or becoming dehydrated while they wait ...

A rich lady hires an old mountain guide for a climbing trip in the Alps

One day, as they cross into Switzerland for more climbing, they are stopped at the frontier by a custom agent. He makes them open their bags and, with Swiss serious and thoroughness, inspects the contents of the lady's bag first.

He immediately finds 6 pairs of panties and cries:

"Ha! ...

A man takes a woman home... (NSFW)

...and they're getting it on; he's having a good rummage down below when suddenly the woman exclaims, "Ooh, please remove your ring!"

"Ring?" the man scoffs. "Get over yourself, woman: that's my watch!"

Blonde driver

A blonde was driving down the highway. Soon she heard sirens and saw lights behind her, and was pulled over. A cop, also a blonde woman, approached her door.

"You were speeding, miss," she said. "May I see your license?"

The blonde driver rummaged through her purse for a minute befo...

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A doctor always stopped....

A doctor always stopped in to his friendly neighborhood watering hole for an almond daiquiri at 6:00 every day. Dick, the bartender, always had it ready for him on the bar when he came in.

One day, it was approaching six and suddenly Dick realized he was out of almonds. "Oh, no, the doc's gon...

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So a woman wakes up one night to the sound of breaking glass.

She looks out the window and is shocked to see three men breaking into her garage. Quietly, she calls 911.

"911, what's your emergency?"

"Some men are breaking into my shed."

"Alright, sit tight. No officers are available now, but we'll send someone as soon as we can" the opera...

I walked up to the bar.

I said, "My date would like a drink. What would you recommend?"

He said, "Anything that helps her to get to know the real *you*, sir."

I rummaged around in my wallet and said, "Tap water it is, then."

Two Ditzy blondes...

A ditzy blonde is driving 80 mph down the highway, 20 miles over the speed limit. A ditzy blonde police officer pulls her over. The police officer asks to see her license, but the ditzy blonde driver has no idea what a license is. The officer tells her it is an identification card with her pictur...

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Voodoo Dick

A nymphomaniac just couldn't get enough pleasure. Not from any man, nor any of the many toys she had collected over the years.


One day, while having coffee with a girlfriend, she told her friend about this problem. Her friend knew exactly what she needed, and gave her the name of a s...

A disheveled man with a backpack stumbles into a bar,

Pulls up a stool, drops the backpack at his feet, and ushers the bartender over.

“What can I get for you sir?” The bartender polishes a small glass and looks the bedraggled man up and down.

“Hey,” The man ushers him closer conspiratorially, obviously slightly intoxicated. “I want to ma...

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A man approaching his fiftieth birthday decides to have a facelift.

He spends $5,000 on the operation and is very happy with the results. On his way home from surgery, he stops at a kiosk and buys some cigarettes.
Before leaving, he says to the vendor, “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?”

“About thirty-five,” is the reply.
<...

Hilary Clinton and Donald Trump in a hot air balloon

Hilary invites Donald on a bury the hatchet secret meeting before the knives come out in the run up. A little while into the trip she springs a surprise on the other President hopeful..

" So Trump.. I would like you to say hello to our pilot, Pedro who happens to be Mexican, and my assistant,...

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Pickled Penis(NSFW)

A woman and her husband were experiencing marital problems, to the point where they were no longer having sex. After visiting several counselors the problems were not resolved. The woman grew desperate, and was afraid to ask her husband for sex. In her desperation she visited a Gypsy, and explained ...

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An old mechanic friend helps a drunk. (Kinda long, sorry.)

I was talking to this grizzled old mechanic friend one time, he looked like an old version of Yosemite Sam. Had a cigarette hanging out of his mouth, sounded like an old cowboy, his big ol' handlebar mustache wiggling and twitching with every word. Suddenly he starts telling this story about how he ...

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Bob sees his new neighbor working in his driveway...

Wanting to be friendly, he walks over to the driveway where his new neighbor is repairing his car. "Hey neighbor!" he says affably.

Hearing the voice, a big shaggy dog comes running over and starts sniffing Bob's feet. "Hey," the neighbor grunts.

"I see you've got a dog! I've g...

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the Steel Guitar Network - Church Bulletin Bloopers

Church Ladies With typewriters ...

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
____________________________________________...

A blonde woman in a sports car is cruising down the highway...

...when she gets pulled over by a police car.

Who should step out of the police car but a female, blonde cop.

The cop walks up to the blonde in the sports car and says “Hi. I noticed you were going a little fast back there. Can I see your driver’s license?”

The blonde grabs her ...

The blonde policewoman

A blonde policewoman pulls over a blonde for speeding. She asks the blonde, "Can I see your license please?" The blonde says "What's that?"

The policewoman says "Its a wee square thingy, it's got your picture on it."

The blonde rummages around in the glove box, and comes out with a com...

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Penis Enlardment

Doug was showering after a workout at the gym when he noticed that the guy next to him had an enormous penis. His own junk being somewhat on the small side, Doug asked him if his mammoth member was natural or if there was a trick to it.


"Oh, there's a trick. Every night before bed, rub s...

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There's a young farmer who really likes tractors... (Shaggy dog story)

One day when ploughing the fields he sees a notice pinned to a tree just outside his land. It read:
*The infamous travelling tractortent has arrived in town! Hundreds of tractors all inside one massive tent! Raffle for a chance to drive a shiny top-of-the-range tractor!*
He didn't have an...

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