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Catholic Church Jokes

When Paddy's dog died, he took it to the local Catholic church. He asked the preacher if he could have a funeral service for his much loved pet, but the preacher explained that they didn't do services like that for animals.

Paddy asked who would and the preacher suggested that the Baptist church up the road would probably give the dog a funeral service. Paddy asked, "Preacher, do you think $5,000 would be enough payment for the dog's funeral?" The preacher relied, "Dearest Paddy, why didn't you tell me that your dog wa...

An old man walks into a Catholic church and enters the confessional

"Forgive me father for I have sinned..."

"What is your sin my son?" asks the priest

"Father, I am 82 years old. I have been faithfully married to my wife for 60 years. That is up until last night, when I spent all night making passionate love to twin 19yo blond Swedish girls..." says t...

Did you see the Catholic church released a breakfast cereal?

Cinnamon Pope Crunch: The See You Can Taste

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Back when Pope John Paul II died, the Vatican College of Cardinals were faced with the responsibility of choosing a new pope for the Catholic Church...

... At first, they favored a British Cardinal by the name of Cardinal Nigel Mason.

Card. Mason had been a pilot in WWII, fighting Germany's Luftwaffe. He was decorated for his service, during which he shot down 12 Nazi fighter planes.

He himself was finally shot down and made a rough l...

There's new offshoot of the Catholic Church that worships a paper bag as the divine manifestation of the One, True God.

It's pretty sack-religious.

A drunk man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in the confession box and says nothing.

The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.

The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally, the drunk replies "No use knockin' mate, there's no toilet paper in this one either.”

Went to service at a Catholic Church for the first time.

The priest said ‘body of Christ’.

I said ‘thanks for noticing, I’ve been working out’.

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My son was excited about our Catholic church’s archeology class.

But all he saw was a bunch of old bones.

A Higgs Boson walks into a Catholic church

The Priest says " you can't be here!". The particle replies "you can't have mass without me ”

Whats the difference between the Catholic Church and a clothing iron?

The church only wishes they could burn things until they are straight.

You’d think the Catholic Church would be more supportive of condom use...

Less DNA evidence.

Swiss Cheese was recently declared the official cheese of the Catholic Church.

It’s the holiest of cheeses.

A rabbi and a Catholic priest seat together in a bus and start talking about ranks in the Catholic church...

- "So after becoming bishop and maybe archbishop, they can be appointed as cardinals?", asked the Rabbi.
- "That's right.", replied the priest.
- "And only cardinals can become pope?", continued the Rabbi.
- "Not necessarily, but usually yes.", said the priest.
- "And what's next? Can s...

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What does the Catholic Church and Hollywood have in common?

They both have a sense of moral superiority while their elites are sex offenders.

Which kind of corn holds the highest position in the catholic church?

Popecorn

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Two Jewish friends pass a Catholic Church...

Two Jewish friends pass a Catholic Church on which a large poster addresses non-Catholics: "Come to us, accept Catholicism, and you instantly get $30,000 in cash!" While walking away, the two friends become engaged in a debate about whether the offer is meant seriously. A week later the two friends ...

The catholic church has recently been critisized for it's treatment of women

They said it was a nun issue.

A redneck goes up to a Catholic church in the South

He stands there for a little while and soon an old lady walks up to him

She asks, "Excuse me sir, is mass out"


He tips his hat and says, "No ma'm but your hats on crooked"

The top executives of the Budweiser beer company decide they need a fresh, new marketing initiative. One suggests that the Catholic church, being a well known, global brand just like themselves, would be a suitable sponsorship partner, so they send two of their most persuasive directors to Rome.

They are granted an audience with the Pope and explain that they want a commercial link-up with the Vatican. This would, of course, involve some careful 'product placement'. What they suggest is that the words in the Lord's prayer , 'Give us this day our daily bread', be replaced with, 'Give us this...

Reddit no longer has to fear the Catholic Church!

Now that it has turned 14 the priests are no longer interested.

What did the Catholic Church say when they first saw the Shroud of Turin?

“Holy sheet!”

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Donald Trump walks into a Catholic church.

He turns to the altar boy and asks

“where’s that box where I proclaim all the fucked up shit I’ve done lately”

The altar boy, stunned to see the president in his church, directs Trump to the confession box. Trump steps inside and the altar boy realizes the priest is nowhere to be found...

The Catholic church released a fun PC game which takes place in the garden of Eden. You play as Eve and Adam is hiding from you. Your goal is to hunt him down with a slingshot.

It's a first person shooter.

Catholic Church service on Sunday has been renamed!

They now attend Sunday Mask.

You know I heard that the Catholic Church was going to start letting priests and nuns marry one another

Though it may be hard for nuns to get out of the habit

What disease is running rampant in the Catholic Church?

Porkin' sons.

Did you know that Vegas has more Catholic Churches than casinos?

Not surprisingly, some Sunday worshipers give casino chips when the collection basket is passed. Since they get chips for many different casinos the churches have devised a system to handle the collections. The churches send all of their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting a...

Even the Catholic Church is doing its part to combat the coronavirus.

They’re changing one of the commandments to, “thou shalt not COVID thy neighbor.”

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[NSFW] When I was 12 I was super sad, so I went to the Catholic Church for help...

But then I was just fucking depriest

In a suburb of Boston, there was a Catholic church across the street from a Jewish synagogue.

Over the years, a friendly rivalry had grown between the two congregations. One weekend, the members of the synagogue gave their long-time rabbi a brand new Cadillac. By sheer coincidence, the parishioners gave their pastor a new Cadillac on the same day.

Everyone laughed at the coincidence...

Two nuns at a Catholic Church

Two nuns at a Catholic Church near me got pregnant.

On an unrelated note, they dressed up as altar boys for Halloween.

I watched a documentary about a man who grew up in the Catholic church.

It was a touching story.

For centuries the catholic church censored everything that wouldn‘t fit with their teachings.

You know what I call that?

Chancel culture!

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Did you know it takes 3 miracles to be declared a Saint by the Catholic Church?

Did you know masturbating 15 times a day for 3 days strait does not constitute as a miracle? Did you also know they return the application and evidence in a package labeled Bio-hazard?

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In the Catholic Church, Priests of any race, color or ethnic origin are disallowed from sexual intercourse

Celibate Diversity

Have you heard about the Catholic church that is having drive-up confessions due to COVID-19?

It’s called “Toot and Tell or go to Hell”

I managed to escape Neverland Ranch by taking refuge in a nearby Catholic Church.

Out of the flying Pan, into the friar.

I grow and sell fruit to Catholic churches across the country.

I mass produce mass produce.

Meanwhile at a catholic church...

“We pray you Saint Anne...”

The devil appears: “Oh, it’s you guys again. For Pete’s sake stop calling me if you don’t mean it and at least pronounce my name right.”

(Made this up myself, still giggling...)

Just learned the Catholic Church is okay with one person marrying two different people!

Priests do it all the time

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Two Jews are standing in front of a catholic church...

...where a sign is outside that says "Become Catholic today and receive 100 $".

Jew 1 says; Nice, I think I am gonna do this.

Jew 2 says; No, you can't just change your religion like that!

Jew 1 says; Yes I can, and 100 bucks is 100 bucks!

So Jew 1 goes in and comes back...

After years of going to catholic church I’ve finally decided to seek other points of view on religion...

... After countless hours of study and understanding, I felt an uneasy feeling in my stomach.

Had I made a mistake? Had I crossed a benevolent God?

I had studied Judaism in Israel,

Buddhism in Tibet,

Even to indigenous areas of the globe to to better understand what it...

In the Catholic Church, the pope is elected for life.

Putin has met with 3 of them.

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A Catholic church is burning down

There is a group of choir boys and 2 priest

The priest ask the other priest if they had enough time to save the kids.

He turns around and says "nah fuck em"

The other priest replies " Its gonna be close, might have enough time for a few"

The Catholic church wants more people interested in priesthood.

They have got a lot of bad publicity lately so they just released a new campaign. They are offering scholarships for 100 lucky boys that can attend private school to become a priest for free.

Their slogan: "Find the priest inside of you."

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What is the Catholic Church’s position on homosexuality?

Only if it’s under 12

Why does the Catholic Church have so much money?

Because Jesus saves.

In response to current controversies, the Catholic Church is changing the confessional process.

The phrase “Father, I have sinned.” will be replaced with “Daddy, I’ve been naughty.”

At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto , they have weekly husband's marriage seminars.

At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto , they have weekly husband's marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the...

What would you call a war between Area 51 and the Catholic Church?

Alien vs Predator

The Catholic Church are asking for donations to help rebuild Notre Dame.

You can donate via Papal

Why aren’t horses allowed in the Catholic church?

Because they’re neigh sayers

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I read the report on the sexual abuse of minors in the Catholic church

It seems that much of the abuse took place in the rectory.

What does the head of the Catholic Church used to buy goods online?

Papal

What do Black Holes and the Catholic Church have in common?

They both have a lot of mass that you cannot escape!

Obama was scheduled to visit a Catholic church...

An aide to President Barack Obama visited the Cardinal of the Catholic cathedral in Washington. He told the Cardinal that President Barack Obama would be attending the next mass, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Obama to the congregation and say a few words that would include cal...

The Catholic church is considering going all-in on gluten-free wafers

At risk is cross-contamination.

Why is the Catholic church against abortion?

Less victims for the priests to choose from.

Two Rabbis are walking down the street and they walk past a Catholic church advertising a $50 payout for anyone who converts that day...

The one Rabbi looks at the other and says, "I think I am going to go in there, convert, and get the 50 dollars." The other Rabbi looks at him in disbelief and says, "You must be joking! Your grandfather was a studious Rabbi in Russia, your father emigrated to this country and also became a Rabbi, an...

What does the NFL, NBA, and the Catholic Church have in common?

They all have a cult following

What do you call a last minute Catholic Church service that everyone needs to attend?

Critical Mass

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My wife and I tried to join a catholic church...

We met with our town's catholic priest this past Sunday to talk about becoming catholic. He gave us a long list of requirements we would have to fulfill (what we could/couldn't eat, say, do, etc.) and at the end of our meeting he said, "Oh yeah and one more thing, until next Sunday you must abstain ...

What happened when students for the deaf and blind went to the Catholic Church?

Mass confusion

How does the Catholic church recruit new members?

They get 'em while they're young.

I hear Donald Trump has been endorsed by the Roman Catholic Church

He's called for a ban on contraception. He wants to make America mate again

Do you know how many 3rd party sects the catholic church is protecting?

None, catholics aren't allowed to have protected sects.

In light of the Pope allowing aliens into the catholic church...aliens make contact with humanity

upon hearing the news, the Pope arranges to meet with the leader of the aliens.

Once the two are seated and have enjoyed a short bit of pleasant conversation, the Pope asks the alien leader, "tell me, have you heard of Jesus?"

The alien leader looks at the pope before smiling in realiz...

Why should the Roman Catholic Church allow priests to marry?

They would have a more detailed understanding of what Hell is actually like.

What do you call it when the pope disagrees with the Catholic Church?

Inapoperiate behaviour

What's the Catholic Church's favourite soccer team?

BSC Young Boys

The Catholic Church has chosen its anthem

Concerto for organ in a minor.

Pope died and arrived in heaven

St. Peter asks who he is.

The Pope: "I am the pope."

St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book."

The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth."

St. Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me..."

The Pope: "But I am the leader of the Catho...

Two Jewish guys are walking.....

when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100."

The one says to the other, "should we do it??" The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?" The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I'm gonna do it." So he walks in...

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Starbucks and the Pope

Starbucks manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.

After receiving the Papal blessing, the Starbucks official whispers, "Your Eminence, we have an offer for you. Starbucks is prepared to donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day...

An Irish Priest

An Irish Priest is Transferred to Iola, Texas.

He rose from his bed one morning; It was a fine spring day in his new West Texas mission parish.

He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in ...

Several churches were having problems with squirrels damaging their buildings.

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.

At the Baptist church, the deacons met an...

New Pope

There were two Roman Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully, they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their senior year in High School.
...

An elderly Catholic man is hit by a bus . . .

A bus on a busy street struck a Catholic man.

He was lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd gathered.

"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasped.

Long seconds dragged on but no one stepped out of the crowd.

A policeman checked the crowd and finally yelled, ...

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(Long) Pope's Dinner

(First post here so I hope this one lands!)

A small Catholic church in Kalamazoo is going to be graced with the Pope's presence. To honor his visit, they decide it would be a good idea to cook him a nice fresh fish dinner. The Priest and the Bishop are out fishing for a while until the Bishop...

So, the Pope dies and goes to heaven...

He approached the pearly gates as angelic music plays around him and soft light baths him.

Knocking, he is surprised when Hari Krishna open the gate to him.

"Hello. Who are you?" He says in a thick Indian accent.

"I'm the Pope."

"Great. What is a Pope?"

"The head...

Have you heard of grave robbers?

Apparently the catholic Church didn't get that message

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A man’s dog dies

A man’s dog dies, he had been his only companion for years.

So he goes to the nearest Catholic Church and asks for a funeral mass.

The priest said my son I can’t give a mass for a dog. The pope would excommunicate me!

The man replies he’s been my companion for 18 years. I saw th...

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The Home Minister, the Minister of Defence and the Minister of Fisheries are on a state visit to the Vatican.

As a courtesy, the Pope dines with them that night. The food is good, and the conversation still better. As the evening wears on, the Home Minister notices that her cup has run dry, and uses the opportunity to show off her inexhaustible wit. "Pope the divine," she says, turning to the solemn head of...

A Round of Golf

A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him.

Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, *"Say, we're about even...

Confessional

A Man walked into a Washington D.C. Catholic Church Confessional. He tells the Priest: "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned”. Last night, I killed a Congressman. The Priest responds: "Son, I'm here to forgive your sins, not discuss your community service work!"

A priest was out walking and a man runs up to him and says

“Father! There’s a man on top of the Eiffel tower and he’s about to jump!”

The priest runs to the Eiffel tower and finds the man. “What are you doing?” The priest asks him. “Are you mad? Thank of your family, your wife!”

The man replies, “My wife left me. I have no family. So I jump.”<...

Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a ten year old school boy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes.

Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a ten year old school boy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes.

Trump said I need one. I’m the smartest man in the USA and am needed to sort out the problems of the World!’, take...

I, being an Irish Catholic, decided it was time to cleanse my soul.

I went into the confessional box after many years of being away from the Catholic Church.

Inside, I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.

On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall was a dazzling array...

Some people call their boyfriend daddy but I call mine father

I am now no longer welcome in the Catholic Church

The conversion

Two old Jewish men are strolling down the street one day, when they happen to walk by a Catholic church. They see a big sign posted that says, "Convert to Catholicism and get $20."

Murray stops and stares at the sign. Abe turns to him and says, "Murray, what's going on?"

"Abe," replies...

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