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Hoists Jokes

A Viking is out shopping when he comes across an old woman in a wheelchair crying.

"What's wrong?" asks the Viking.

"Well," the woman says, wiping her tears, "I have been living on my own for many months now, and my daughter and son-in-law have at last come to visit me. My daughter has brought me along on this shopping trip, but it's the first time I've really been out and ...

Here's the best one I know. It's a bit long...but I have faith in you ;)

A doctor, a lawyer,and an engineer are sentenced to death. Why is not important to the story...what's important is that the death sentence will be carried out in France - via guillotine.

The doctor is first. The executioner straps him down, hoists the glittering blade aloft, and lets it drop....

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A redneck wrestler

has beaten every opponent he's been up against and is now going international. Before the match against the Russian champion, his coach sits him down.

"Now, look, you're faster and more agile than this guy. He's big and strong, but just keep moving and let him tire himself out and you can b...

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A pub owner announces a contest for the best toast of the night. John O'Reilly hoists his beer and says, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!” and wins the top prize...

He goes home and tells his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the best toast of the night!"

She says, “Aye, did ye now? And what was your toast?”

He raises an invisible glass and in his most sincere tone says, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”...

A group of frat boys walks into a bar

They order a round for everyone, and one of them hoists his stein up and says "Fourteen months!" And they all cheer and drink.

They all finish their rounds, and order another. They cheer "Fourteen months!" And drink. And more cheering, and more drinking, and each time one of them says "Fo...

In Medieval Europe, there once was a triangular lake.

This triangular lake was quite large; so large, in fact, that three separate kingdoms were built on each side of this lake. These kingdoms were very different one from another.
The first kingdom was the richest - smooth stone walls built like a fortress, lavish houses for all, and a generous king...

A woman is waiting at a bus stop.

When the bus finally gets there the doors open and she tries to get on. She is extremely embarrassed when her leg cannot reach the top step. She reaches behind her and unzips her tight dress a little bit to try to give so slack. Once again she lifts her leg and tries but just can't reach the step. S...

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The miracle of alcohol

An Irishman promises his wife that he will quit drinking. All goes well for about three weeks. One night, his friends invite him to join them at the pub.

"Ya don't have to drink at all. Just trade some stories with the boys."

The Irishman agrees to stay for a little while. After an hou...

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[Long] A guy walks into a bar and demands 3 shots of tequila. Bartender obliges and says, "rough day?". "You have no idea!", the guy replies as he slams down the shots...

He begins telling him about his horrible day when a jar full of money at the end of the bar catches his eye. "What's that jar of money for over there? It's full to the brim of $10's and $20's!"

Bartender tells him it's a challenge he offers to his patrons, $10 to play, and you have to complet...
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