UPJOKE
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Fun Fact: Spiders can tell the difference between someone blowing on their web and the wind.

But that may just be because the wind isn't warm and sticky...

Why are spiders so smart?

They can find everything on the web

What’s worse than a box of spiders?

A box that was meant to be full of spiders.

Where can you find fly's, and spiders that have joined a fanatical religious group?

Insects

In Afghanistan, everyone is terrified of spiders, but apparently..

In Iraq no phobia

Did you hear about two spiders who recently got married?

They met on the web.

What do people who live in trailer parks and spiders have in common?

The males are usually only half the females size.

How many spiders does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Only two. But how the hell did they get in there?

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Back in the late 1800's when bananas first started gaining popularity in the United States, banana groves weren't the safest of places. There were monkeys pooping all over, porcupines, venomous spiders and snakes in the groves. This caused problems not just for the pickers, but for consumers as well

Anyway Americans started demanding that their bananas be inspected before being imported, so the banana companies started placing stickers on bunches of bananas to indicate they were safe to eat. Of course the banana companies were still cutting corners. The groves still had monkeys, porcupines, sna...

My son asked me, "What happens to the spiders that gets hoovered up?"

"They Dyson."

Where do spiders seek health advice

WebMD

Why don't spiders need phones or computers?

They're on the web anyways.

Why do black widow spiders kill their partners after they mate?

They can't stand to listen to the snoring.

Did you know spiders go deaf if they have no legs?

Well it’s true and here’s why.

When I was a child I had a pet a spider. It was great I even trained him to jump. ‘Jump’ I’d shout and with a boing he’d leap into the air.

Well my brother saw this and in a jealous rage he pulled the spiders legs off!

I was heartbroken. ‘Jump’ I’...

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To this day, biologists still cannot figure out the two greatest mysteries about spiders:

Where the fuck did it come from?

Where the fuck did it just go?

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The joke store

A guy gets a job at a practical joke store.

To help him learn the ropes, the proprietor has him spend the first week just sorting through all the different practical jokes they sell, learning what they do and making sure everything's correctly labelled and organised. And what a variety! They'...

I would assume spiders adapt pretty quickly to online learning.

After all, they are already comfortable on the web.

I’ve been killing rich parents, throwing spiders at nerdy teens, dumping acid on kids, and calling disabled people mutants.

I haven’t created a superhero yet, but it better happen soon because I need to be stopped.

I took a class about spiders

thanks to the pandemic, it was on the web

So you know the fear of spiders is arachnophobia? What’s the fear of chainsaws?

Common sense.

All web developers hate finding bugs in their work.

Except spiders

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Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun, and one brought nothing but a few cough drops.

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobweb...

Girls hate me as much as spiders.

But hey they can bite people why can’t I.

What do you call a place where spiders meet?

Website.

How do spiders look something up?

They go to the web.

What do you call a spider with lots of kids from many different spiders of whom he never married?

A Baby-Daddy Longleg

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There was a scientist working away in obscurity for years, with peculiar experiments on spiders.

After years and years he placed an advertisement in several academic journals to let the community know he was finished and was to host a live show to demonstrate his findings. At the event hundreds were there more out of curiosity than anything as the details of the findings were kept secret. The m...

What text emojis do spiders use when they are happy?

::::D

Why are spiders so fast?

They use the World Wide Web.

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God Creating Spiders

God: Let it be, that from here onwards spiders shall have eight legs.

Archangel Gabriel: As you command, lord.

God: Also they shall have eight eyes instead of the normal two.

Archangel Gabriel: That seems slightly excessive doesn’t it? But as you wish lord.

God: And gi...

What’s a spiders favorite thing to do on a rainy day?

They like to surf the web!

Whats a Spiders Favorite Fast Food Item

French Flys

I hate spiders when they eat flies

They are such buzz kills

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What do you call the fear of spiders crawling up your butt?

Arachnoprobia

why don't spiders go to school..

Because they learn everything on web.

:(

i know i suck at jokes.

Spiders in a nutshell

Scientist 1: This spider has long legs, so let’s call it long legs

Scientist 2: Not kinky enough

How are flat chested women like spiders?

If you dislike either one, you're a-rack-no-phobic.

Why are spiders clingy roommates?

Because they're an Arachneedy.

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On the sixth day

**ON THE SIXTH DAY... **

**God Creating Spiders**

God: Make it have 8 legs

Angel: Seems excessive but OK

God: And 8 eyes

Angel: You need to calm down a li-

God: Give it a bum rope

**God Creating Kittens**

God: make them fluffy & adorable li...

Men are like spiders

We tend to have sticky hands after being on web.

What do spiders and Yoko Ono have in common?

They both live off dead beatles.

Did you know that the average American eats 8 spiders

during the day!?

It's true, your neighbours are eating spiders. Don't let them know you're different.

What do they call spiders in the Middle East?

Iraqnids

For some reason I'm only afraid of Middle Eastern spiders...

It's O.K. though. My doctor says it's normal to be Iraqnaphobic.

my daughter is 3. her joke about spiders:

Spiders make Websites.

she's not wrong.

What's worse than spiders on your piano?

Crabs on your organ.

They say that being scared of spiders increases the chances of them crawling into your bed while you are sleeping.

Personally, I am terrified of scarlett Johansson.

Spiders should own the internet

After all, they are very talented in web design.

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Daddy Longlegs

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly, she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" ...

Where do spiders play football?

Webley Stadium.

What are the spiders like in Game of Thrones?

Varies.

A boy asks his father for a spider for his birthday.

The father stops by the pet shop on the way home from work to find out more about spiders.



“What does one of those big ones cost?” the father asks, pointing into the glass case full of the arachnids.



“About fifty dollars,” the store clerk replies.



“Fifty ...

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On average, a human will swallow 5 spiders in their lifetime

That’s because weirdos like me keep fucking up the averages.

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