UPJOKE
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Hid Jokes

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A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: ‟Dark in here.”
Man: ‟Yes it is.”
Boy: ‟I have a baseball.”
Man: ‟That's nice.”
Boy: ‟Want to buy it?”
Man: ‟No, thanks.”
Boy: ‟That's my dad outside.”
Man: ‟How much did you say the baseball was again?”
Boy: ‟$250.”

In the next few weeks, it happ...

My Grandmother found and flushed my weed so, I hid her weelchair......

Now neither of us are rolling

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2 dogs were very curious about how humans did sex so they hid under the bed when the owner brought home a girl

Dog 1 : Did you see that? She has only two teats?

Dog 2 : Yeah, and his tail is wagging in the wrong direction!!

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A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it befo...

War

A Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his Priest.

“Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII, I hid a Jewish man in my attic.”

“Well,” answered the Priest, “That's not a sin.”

“But I made him pay me 20 gulden for each week he stayed...

Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...

And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.

 
 
 
 

While on the run from the cops, Peter hid in a dentist's office.

Seeing that the dentist left for a break, he quickly donned the uniform to avoid getting caught. Soon after, a man entered the office for his appointment. Peter knew nothing about dentistry but he was in too deep to bail.

The client said, "I have a problem with my cavity."

Peter, tryi...

A pastor was on his way home from an oil change. On the way, he decided to stop at a church member's house.

After ringing the doorbell the pastor was sure that he saw movement inside the house. He rung the doorbell again, and the pastor noticed someone moving quickly from one room to another. The pastor whipped out a "Several Steps to Becoming a Christian" pamphlet, and quickly scrawled on it 'Revelation ...

I hid some cheese under my bed the other day.

I heard that’s where Munster’s hide

No one believes seniors . . . Everyone thinks they are senile

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared...

There was a woman who had 100 kids..

She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and neve...

Joe: Guess which hand I hid the penny in?

5 year old: This one.

Joe: God damn it kid, how did you know?!

Turns out one-hand Joe isn't very good at surprising people.

Dear son; Your mom and I love you very much, and we miss you dearly ever since you went to prison. I especially miss you now that spring is here, and it is time to plow the fields. The ground is hard, and my back is old. I am afraid I will never be able to plant the crops in time. Dad

Dear Dad:

Do not dig in the field. That is where I hid that thing. You know I can not say what it is because they read our mail. Just do not dig out there.

Your son

\----------------------------------------

Dear son:

The cops came out and dug up my fields. They sai...

Why do you never see an elephant hiding behind a tree?

Because they’re very good at it

A large and powerful kingdom conquered their wealthy neighbor only to discover its treasure was all hidden away.

Only the count from the conquered kingdom knew where the gold was hidden but he refused to tell.

The conquerors took him to the dungeon, placed his head on the chopping block, and told him:

“This is your last chance! Tell us where the gold is or off comes your head!”

Beads of s...

A group of guys were smoking weed at a party, when they heard a knock at the door. In a panic, they hid the joints in a cuckoo clock.

They opened the door to find two cops standing there. "It's 1:45 in the morning," said the cops. "You woke up a neighbour, who reported you to us. We hope you're not using any illegal drugs."

The cops searched through the whole house looking for anything suspicious, but didn't think to look i...

A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed....

....that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the sailor. "Look, I’m off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. I...

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MEN'S HELP LINE - Letter of the Month

Hi John,

I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes h...

A despondent young woman who had lost her job and her house had decided to commit suicide.

She was walking along a bridge across the harbor, getting the nerve to jump in, when a young man saw her.

"Don't do it!" he called out. He looked at her and realized she was incredibly beautiful. He came closer.

"What's wrong?" he asked. The woman told him.

"Okay, here's the thi...

I played hide seek as a kid and the ultimate winner hid so good we never found him. Years later they found him under a pile of dirt

Turns out He won by a landslide

A panda once hid his food in order to get more.

The zookeepers were bamboozeled.

My kids kept finding all the presents I hid around the house so someone suggested I keep them in the attic.

Now they are crying up there and saying it's too cold and dark.

My favourite childhood memory was making sandcastles with my grandfather.

Until my mother hid his urn away from me.

Credit. Sandi Toksvig

I'm pretty sure somebody hid the final paragraph of my essay on the shelf I can't reach

but I don't want to jump to conclusions

Someone broke into my house so I hid in the closet with my phone, but I forgot to set it to silent...

Luckily when I got a text I managed to fake cough over it so he wouldn't hear

I bought my wife a gift for Christmas and hid it in the perfect spot, a place she would never look.

I put it in her lingerie drawer.

I'm pretty sure someone stole the last paragraph of my essay, and hid it on a really high shelf...

But I don't want to jump to conclusions.

Not original, and not sure if it's been posted before, but it made me chuckle and thought I'd share.

Me: HOW COULD YOU LET YOUR EVIL BABY SHEEP ESCAPE? Sous: I hid it away with Gordon Ramsey.

Me: WHERE’S THE DAMNED LAMB SOUS??!!

Lucifer, chased by an angel, hid himself in the London Philharmonic Orchestra

He was eventually found in the horns section.

One day, Einstein, Newton and Pascal decided to play Hide & Seek...

Einstein volunteered to be "it".

As Einstein closed his eyes and counted to 100, Pascal ran away and hid, but Newton stood right in front of Einstein and drew a one meter by one meter square on the ground around him.

When Einstein opened his eyes, he immediately saw Newton and said "I ...

My teenage son recently started asking me awkward questions about the human body....

I should've probably hid it better...

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,...

Irish hooker

An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the dark shadows.

'Twenty pounds,' she whispers.

Paddy had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty pounds. So they hid in the bushes.

They're going 'at it' for a minute when all o...

Since people are translating their native jokes, I hope no one has posted this yet

There were 3 boys who were being chased by the police. John the wise, Peter the smart, and Jose the dumb.


As the police were gaining on them, they each decided to hide in a box in an alley way.

The policeman ran up to John's Box and kicked it.

Thinking quickly, John said...

A wife gives her husband a cheating test.

A man's wife wanted to know how her husband would react if she was to just up and leave one day so she came up with a way to trick her husband into thinking she had left. She wrote a note saying how she was tired of living with him and doesn't want to put up with him anymore. She left the note on t...

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Do you know how to have sex?

Man walks up to a farmers house, knocks on the door. When a woman opened the door, the man ask if she knew how to have sex. Not amused, she slammed the door. Again, the man knocked, again, asked the same question. Again, not amused, she screamed get the hell away. Later, she told her husband of the ...

My favorite childhood memory was building sand castles with my grandpa.

Then my mom hid the urn from me.

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A woman was in bed with 3 men when her husband came home.

One of them hid in the closet, the second one went under the bed, and the third one went to the balcony.


After a while, the one under the bed came out and said: "OK, madam, your bed is fixed now." She told her husband that she called this guy to repair one of the legs of the bed. The hu...

The Farmer's Mirror

An old farmer was in at the market and saw a very nicely framed mirror. Having never seen such a thing in his life, he was completely enamored with it and had to purchase it.
After he had, he felt foolish for spending such a large sum for it and hid it in the hay loft. Everyday he would sneak ou...

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An electrical engineer is wrongly accused of a crime.

His name is Myto and he swears he did not kill anybody. However, all the evidence points to him. Of course, he gets 25 years in prison.

When he gets to prison, he meets his bunkmate, Big Joel. Now, contrary to what you may think, Big Joel was not a rapist. In fact, he was the nicest man Myto...

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Bless me father for I have sinned

A man walks into a confession booth.

He says, "Bless me father, for I have sinned."

The priest there says to him, "Speak my child."

The man says, "Well father I lived in Hamburg during the Second World War. The Gestapo was searching for Jews to send to concentration camps, an...

My dog kept digging holes in the back yard...

..so I hide all the shovels

A man wins $100 000 at Las Vegas.

When he returns home he hides it in his backyard, only to wake up the next morning and find it stolen, with a trail of muddy footprints leading to the mute-deaf a few blocks away. Enraged, he enlists the help of the sign language professor next door, and together, the man armed, they confront the mu...

The wife's weight gain, through overeating and laziness, had become the final straw in an already strained relationship and I decided I would just have to kill her.

I hid in the kitchen, knowing it wouldn't be long before she turned up looking to raid the fridge. And sure enough, she soon came waddling in.

I leapt out from behind a cupboard, arm raised, brandishing a huge knife..


"OH MY GOD!!" She screamed at the top of her lungs. "Are we havi...

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Three boys

There were three boys who went to school. Ziphanous, Richard and Phenoys. Ziphanous is not an easy name to say so he was nicknamed Zip, Phenoys, was equally as confusing so was known as simply P. Richard didn’t like his name and was called the usual nickname for Richard, Dick.

The boys had a ...

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My girlfriend wanted to roleplay as a magician during sex

It was fun until she hid my balls and shoved her rabbit up my ass

Little Timmy and God

5yr old Timmy went to church and the priest wanted to teach them that god lives within us all..so the first child he saw was Timmy and he asked "wheres god Timmy?" and Timmy went pale white and ran home as fast as he could and hid under the bed...when his mother asked Timmy what happened he replied....

Ben is serving term in prison for fraud. One day he receives a letter from his father, Maurice

Dear Ben,

It looks like I won't be able to plant anything in the garden this year. I am growing too old to do any digging without your help. Looking forward to your early release.

Love, Dad

Ben replies:

Dear Dad,

Please don't dig up the garden - that's where I hid ...

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A deaf accountant works for the mafia.

One day, the king pin mafioso is checking out the books and notices there's a million dollars missing. He calls a meeting with the deaf accountant and a sign language translator.

"Ok, there's a million dollars missing, where is it?" asks the king pin. Translator says, "There's a million dolla...

A married couple had a deadbeat son.

An married couple had a son in his late 20s still living at home. The parents were concerned that they're son showed a disinterest with pursuing settling down getting on with his life.

The son was working at his part-time job at a pizza place. The dad, at home, said, "I have an idea." He laid...

My new and 100% original (and truly terrible) COVID pirate joke...

How did the pirates manage to avoid the pandemic?

They cove-hid.

Why was the cheetah so bad at hide and seek ?

No matter where she hid, she was always spotted.

Farmer and Son

A farmer wrote a letter to his son in jail for robbing a bank
“This year, I can’t plant potatoes because you are not here to plow the field."
The son wrote back, “Papa, don’t dare plow the field That is where I hid the money I stole.”
The police intercepted the letter and by the next day...

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I saw five cockroaches marching across my basement floor today

I grabbed my shoe and started hitting them with the sole. I killed four, but one escaped and hid.

It was the sole survivor.

Did you hear about the Easter egg hunt for the Alzheimer's patients?

They hid their own eggs.

A father and a daughter are travelling in a big foreign city

They are attacked by a group of robbers, and they are left destitute. The father breaks into tears.

"My daughter, what are we going to do now? We are doomed!" He cries, hopeless.

"No, we are not", says the daughter smiling, and hands him his wallet with all the money in place.
...

Wife's Lover

John's wife passed away. At the funeral, he found out hid wife was having an affair and the lover was sobbing unconsolably in the corner.

John furiously marched over to him, put his hand on the lover's shoulder and said "Don't worry, I will marry again soon".

Two golden -agers were discussing their husbands.....

Two golden-agers were discussing their husbands over tea.

"I do wish that my Elmer would stop biting his nails. He makes me terribly nervous."

"My Billy used to do the same thing," the older woman replied. "But I broke him of the habit."

"How?"

"I hid his teeth."

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A women is cheating on her husband we she hears him returning. "Quick hide!"

The man desperately darted around the room looking for somewhere to hide. Before he could find a good hiding space it was too late, the husband was already making his way up the staircase. Losing all hope the man hid in the bathroom. As soon as the husband arrived in the room he told his wife he goi...

The Angel on the Christmas Tree

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip. But there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Cl...

Ben, Dan and Carl were sentence to death by a firing squad because of treason to the state.

Ben was the first up, the general would give the command to his soldiers to shoot. “Ready..Aim...” Then Ben suddenly shouted “EARTHQUAKE!!” All the soldiers hid for cover and Ben escaped. Dan was next. “Ready...Aim...” Then Dan Screamed “TSUNAMI!!” The soldiers hid for cover again and they lost Ben ...

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The fridge joke

The afterlife is too full. The guard at the gates is advised to not letting anyone in without a good story.

First guy arrives.

Guard: "I will only let you in If your story is good enough."

The guy says: "Alright then. After I got home from work early, I found my wife lying nake...

Waiter: How did you find you steak sir

Me: It was delicious. Cooked to perfection.

Waiter: That's not what I meant

Me: The cook told me where you hid it

A health-conscious man got a job as...

... a grocery packer. Every day he watched customers buy candy, soda, potato chips and processed snacks. He knew people were damaging their health with these unhealthy foods choices.

One day, he couldn't take it anymore. When he saw a customer with their cart full of particularly unhealthy ju...

Two little boys were known troublemakers, stealing everything they could get their hands, even from the church.

One day a priest stopped one of the boys and asked, "Where is God?" The boy shrugged and the priest repeated, "Where is God?" The boy ran out of the cathedral crying to his home where he hid in a closet. Eventually his brother found him and asked, "What's wrong?" The crying boy replied, "We're in tr...

An old man lay dying… (long)

He’d led a good life but now it was close to the end. He mentally replayed the years - all the good experiences and some of the hardships.

Suddenly he smelled a smell from his childhood. Yes! It was the smell of chocolate chip cookies baking. What great memories he had of hid mother bak...

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A man’s wife was attempting to prank him.

A mans wife was attempting to prank him.

She decided that her twin should have sex with him as a prank, and so one day she hid under the bed and called her husband over with the lights off to the bedroom whilst her twin was on the bed.

The man had little light and never noticed a thin...

Football

A woman called in a repairman to fix her television. Just as he finished, the woman heard her husband's key in the lock. "Hurry," she said to the repairman, "you'll have to hide. My husband is insanely jealous. "There was no time to run out the back door, so the repairman hid inside the TV console. ...

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Eve the beautiful fairy had the power to bring life to the world with her poop.

She had been wandering the forest near the king's palace for a good spot to take a nice dump, and she found one in a nice shapely pile of leaves. Once finished, she noticed the dead flowers around her bloom as if it were spring. Unbeknowst to our favourite fairy Eve, the poop itself came to life in ...

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NSFW Egyptian Joke about a rat, a lion, and a lioness

One day, a rat came across a lion and his lioness, then said "Fuck you, Lion!". The lion stayed calm and the lioness asked him "Won't you kick his ass up ?!".
"He's a just a stupid rat and doesn't worth the effort" The lion replied.

The very next day, the rat came across the lion and the ...

Two old women are discussing the disgusting habits of their husbands.

"Even after all these years, my husband will not stop biting his nails," the first woman explains.
"My husband had the same habit," the second woman explained, “but I fixed that. I just hid his teeth."

My brother went to prison after robbing a bank but the police never found the money.

He managed to get access to a cellphone and kept sending me cryptic messages about where he hid the money. Eventually, I found it. When my wife asked me how I found it, I explained:

“I followed the con-text clues.”

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During the Vietnam war many men were being drafted

One man was young and in good shape but he didn’t want to fight in the war. He hid in his house for a long time. One day he decided he had to go out side. He was sick of being stuck in that house. He walks outside down the block and all of the sudden a military vehicle turns around the corner. It s...

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Help, my wife is missing!!!

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over 170 centermeters tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:
Color of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never ...

Translation of an old Yiddish Joke...

One day in Czarist Russia, a poor old man and his very young daughter were on their way to town. They put all of their possessions in the back of a donkey driven wagon in hopes of selling some of them to make money. As they were traveling, up the road they saw a small group of Cossaks. They braced t...

An elderly German man visits his priest for confession...

An elderly man in Germany walks into a confessional box after feeling the urge that he needed to confess.

Man: Forgive me father, for I have sinned. During the great war I hid a Jewish refugee in my attic.

Priest: Well, that's not a sin my son, but rather a heroic act of great compassi...

Teacher asks students

\- "Did you ever save anybody's life?"

\- "I did." Steve raises his hand.

\- "Whose life did you save?"

\- "My nephew’s."

\- "How?"

\- "I hid my sister's birth control pills."

A man goes into a confession booth in Germany...

He says "Please forgive me father for I have sinned."
The priest responded, "What is your sin my child?"
The man replies "During WWII I took in a Jewish man and hid him in my attic."
The priest then exclaims, "Good sir, that is not a sin at all. That was a righteous burden you took upon ...

I love playing games with my dad!

He’s really good at them, especially Hide-and-Seek.

He hid 18 years ago, and I haven’t found him yet.

A Muslim man came to the USA many years ago.

He found love, got married and had a son.

The son eventually graduated University, found a wife, got married and moved away for job reasons.

Unfortunately, one day the old man's wife passes away, leaving him alone in his house with a huge garden.

After a lot of grief, the man ...

An old farmer writes his son...

An old farmer writes his son (who is in prison) a letter and he tells his son that he won't be planting potatoes this year because there is no way he can dig up the field by himself. His son writes back and tells his his dad that there's no way he can dig up the field cause that's where he hid all t...

A middle aged guy and his teenage daughter were riding a motor bike.

While taking a shortcut through a dark part of the park when they were stopped by a gang of muggers.

They searched them and took the guy’s wallet, his watch and even the Motorbike, but couldn’t find any jewellery from the girl.

When the muggers had gone, the father asked his daughter, ...

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A man thought he was a worm.

A man thought he was a worm. And thus he was afraid of chickens, because, well, chickens eat worms. Obviously.

So he went into therapy. After 6 months the therapist managed to convince him that he no longer was a worm.

And as a final test, he needed to face chickens. Upon seeing the ch...

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Three thieves were fleeing the cops

they went inside a potato warehouse and each saw a sack and hid inside.

The cops walked in and saw the first sack and kicked it. The robber went "meow", so the cop said, oh it's only a cat.

They went to the second sack and kicked it and second robber went 'arf". So cop said, oh, this...

a quick restaurant joke

waiter: how did you find your meal, sir?

me: well it was great, thank you!

waiter: we both know that's not what i meant

me: ...

me: another waiter told me where you hid it

A father calls his son in prison and tells him he’s getting to old to dig his garden

A few days later 20 policemen turn up at his fathers house and proceed to dig up the whole garden.
The father calls his son in prison and tells him what happened.
His son says “that’s ok dad I told one of the wardens I hid the stolen jewels in your garden “

3 lads are in a train

One from Italy, one from Germany and one from France. They don't have tickets and see the ticket inspector coming. They start to panic and run to the baggage Waggon to hide. The Italian jumps into a cabinet, the French into a big box and the German into a huge bag. The inspector following them but t...

One day a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were being chased by the police.

The girls decided to go up 3 different trees and hide.

The brunette hid in the apple tree. The redhead hid in the lemon tree, and the blonde hid in the oak tree.

The policeman went to the apple tree and said, “Is there anyone up there?"

The brunette went, "meow"

The poli...

Who was the most racist president?

Bill Clinton. He hid from the black guy in between the Bushes.

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A men goes to a priest...

-Father, I am a sinner...-
-So, what you've dove?-
-I hid a jew in my basement during the second world war.-
-But this one isn't a sin, it's a very honorable thing.-
-I made him pay 300 pounds a month-
-Well, those are a lot of money but you saved him so you can go and may God be with...

First attempt

An angel saw a man standing at the gate of heaven. The man was asked how he died. He replied saying he was on the 8th floor of his flat and saw a man trying to enter the 6th floor through the balcony. So he took the fridge and threw it at him. Shortly after that he died. The angel let him through....

A Blonde A Brunette and A Redhead trespassed onto a farm

later a farmer came to chase them out so they all went hiding in the barnyard. The redhead hid with the pigs and said "oink" "oink", the brunette hid with the cows and said "moo" moo", and the blonde hid under a potato sack and said "potato" potato"

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Joke translated from arabic

Three men were at a woman's house while her husband is at work. But he decided to come home early. Hearing the sound of the car, the woman told them to hide. With not enough time, they hid under garbage bags. The man walks in and asks his wife "What are those bags?"

The woman says:"my father ...

A man and a woman are painfully flirting

The restaurant was practically empty, save for them. The man and the woman sat in silence, each waiting for the other to begin.

The man started.

"H-Hi." **Oh god, I sound like an idiot.**

"...Hi." *My Voice! Please come out!*

"So...uh...um...do w-weather?" **What is wrong...

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Lion in the Jungle

A lion is walking through his jungle and steps on someone's poop , so the next day he calls every animal in the jungle and tells them that now there are toilets around the jungle and everyone is to do their business there.

For a week everything went well but one day a bunny is walking throug...

2 Boys decided to play hide and seek

Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and b...

A man walked into a psychiatrist room

He said,"I had a dream. It went like this:

I was walking on a road, and suddenly, beep beep beep beep beep beep..."

After ten seconds, the psychiatrist asked the man nicely to stop beeping. The man, however, went on.

After half an hour, the psychiatrist is tired of asking for th...

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The Royal we.

Queen Elizabeth and princess Kate are out motoring through the hillside when the Bentley they're driving breaks down. The driver has to go look for help, and while he's gone some ruffians come across the disabled royalty.
"Ain't you the queen?"
She confirms she is.
"Where's your tiara?"...

Two Brothers and the Priest

Two brothers in a small town were well-known as trouble makers. If there was a problem in town, these boys were guaranteed to be there. Their parents finally decided to do something about it.


They called on the priest. He was known to have success in dealing with problematic behavior. ...

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Charles, Angus and Patrick had just broken out of prison

Knowing that the police were hot on their tails, they dashed into the nearest building they could find; and old pub. Worried that the police would arrive at any second, they headed into the basement to hide. In the basement they found three large burlap sacks, which they hastily climbed into in an a...

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I couldn't imagine my parents having sex

So last night I hid in their closet and watched

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