What do you call a noodle in disguise?

An Impasta

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A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink.

The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead.

The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some k...

An innocent joke to cheer you up...

Lulu, a little girl asks her mum, "Mum, can I take Daisy (a dog) for a walk around the block?"

Mum replies "No, because she is in heat."

"What does that mean?" asked Lulu.

"Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

Lulu goes out to the garage and says,
"Dad,...

Thor visits a Quaint little village disguised as a traveler.

In the village he meets a young maiden and they spend the night together.

The next morning, he's standing by the window when the maiden hobbles over.

He decides to come clean, so he turns to her and says "I'm Thor".

"You think you're thor? I can hardly walk"

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What do you call a Butterfly in a convincing disguise?

I can’t believe it’s not Butterfly

My drug dealer started to disguise himself as a Jehovah's Witness so he would not arouse suspicion.

He was arrested when the police saw people actually let him in.

I used to own a business, where I sold landmines disguised as prayer mats..

The prophets are going through the roof

My wife swears the CIA put a listening device in our yard disguised as a tree.

I told her it's just a plant

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A Jungle Tale of Justice (Long)

Deep in the jungle there is a local watering hole that nearly all animals flock to each morning for a drink of water. They talk amongst themselves until a mean and angry lion lumbers to the watering hole, fearfully scattering everyone back into the jungle. Each morning a gorilla watches this daily b...

Airplanes are a blessing in disguise

*clears throat*

Excuse me...

A blessing in the skies.



It’s better said than typed :/

One day Stalin decides to go to the cinema in disguise and hear what people are really saying about him.

When the newsreel comes on the audience stands up and applauds each time he appears on the screen. Stalin is pleased. Modestly, he himself remains seated. After a few moments the man next to him leans over and whispers
“Most people feel the same way you do Comrade, but you’ll be safer if you sta...

I’ve started selling land mines disguised as prayers mats.

Prophets have been going through the roof.

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This girl told me my shoes were "fucking ugly"

So me being who I am, I took a trip to Foot Locker. I came back about 2 hours later.

"Hey so I went to the shoe store..."

The girl looked at my shoes, disguised.

"You didn't get any new shoes..."

I looked at her very confused

"OH no I wasn't going to buy shoes, I ...

What do you call a stick of dynamite disguised as fruit?

A bangnana.

I really didn't want to go to a fancy dress christening

but it turned out to be a blessing in disguise.

Why can't a Samsung be disguised as an iPhone?

Because eventually, its cover would be blown.

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This joke got me fired when I worked as a cook. Credit goes to Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling

A husband goes to his wife and says “You’re either going hunting with me, sucking my cock or I’m fucking you in the ass. I’m gonna go get the dogs ready and I’ll be back for your answer.”

After a bit of time, he returns to his wife who defiantly says to him “I’m not going hunting and there’s...

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A hippie enters a bus

(long)
A hippie enters a bus and sees a beautiful nun sitting. He sits next to her and says
- I would like to have sex with you
She shouts at him that she is a servant of God and she could not do that and runs out from the bus.
The bus driver who hear the conversation says to the hippie<...

I tried to sneak into a Star Trek convention disguised as a Doctor.

The Security Guard suspected I was not the Real McCoy.

A ten-year-old boy called his school office and disguised his voice.

Speaking with as much baritone as he could muster he said, "Timmy Smith is very sick and he can't come to school today." The school secretary said, "I'm sorry to hear that. Who is this?" And the boy said, "This is my Dad."

The captured English general and French general

a bash on the French, plus first post here: apologies, but anyway ...



During the Napoleonic wars, an English general (EG) is captured by the French. eventually the French general (FG) responsible for the capturing force faces upto the EG for the interrogation:

FG: i dont unders...

The best way to disguise an undercover cop car

would be to put a Black Lives Matter bumper sticker on it. Nobody's gonna think thats a cop car now.

I think my boss might actually be Thanos in disguise

Today, he snapped his fingers and half my weekend disappeared.

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How does an elephant disguise itself as a cherry tree?

Paints his balls red.

Whats the loudest noise in the jungle?

A giraffe eating cherries.

A man was eating cookies at the park.

While eating his last cookie out of the bunch, he was approached by an old lady. She was putting her hands out, gesturing if she could have his last cookie. The man broke the cookie in two and gave the old lady half of the cookie.

With a single bite, a bright light flashed and the old lady t...

Are we even watching the same movie?!

One thing I’ll never do again is watch a movie with a genius. You, me, us normal people, have a thing called suspension of disbelief. When we watch a Harry Potter movie we don't get lost when they shoot lighting out of their little wand. We're in, we get it. Magic. Got it! Light up the screen! I'm i...

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Things I've learned from video games

My mother has been fucked to death many times.

I'm really a cigarette in disguise.

I'm also actually of African descent, my father will be very upset to find that one out. Though my real father is probably one of those random people who fucked her to death.

A lot of people are m...

What do call it when you score with a woman disguised in men’s clothing?

Transaction

My girlfriend gave me a Valentine's Day card

Silly girl disguised it as a restraining order

What's the difference between a flying mammal in sunglasses and a mouse in disguise?

One's a rad bat, the other's a bad rat

There are two bad-for-you items on the shelf disguised as health food.

One looks at the other and says "act natural".

Why would a Batman villain be disguised as a nurse?

To Poison IV!

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Some Gorillas are getting drunk in the Belgian Congo... (NSFW)

So some gorillas are having some beers and goofing off at the edge of the forest in the Belgian Congo, clowning on each other, doing impressions, etc. one of them looks toward the bordering savanna and notices a lion intently stalking a distant antelope.

“Check out Mr. King of the Jungle ove...

Once, a prince..

..decided to disguise himself and mingle with people to see their hardships by himself. There, he encountered a farmer who looked exactly like him. Curious, the prince approached the farmer and asked him "By any chance, did your mother work in the palace?"


The farmer replied, "No, bu...

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Betrayed

Perry was riding a cab when he saw the *Nun* that he likes very much



"I wish I could kiss that Nun" said Perry



"You could come back here later at 12 MN, I assure you she'll be praying at the back of the church." said the cab driver

"Are you sure?!" said Perry wit...

Mrs. Dugan and Mrs. Riley were talking one day about Mr. Riley and his constant drinking. Mrs. Dugan said, "I have an idea about how to stop him from spending so much time at the pub.

Every night he comes home through the cemetery. One night you should get disguised and spook him when he comes staggering through." So Mrs. Riley waited in the cemetery one night until she heard her husband coming. She jumped up and a startled Riley said, "Who are you??" Mrs. Riley replied, "I am th...

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An old man decides that he wants to see a bullfight before he dies.

Immediately upon arriving in Spain, the man makes his way to the arena, then cheers along with the crowd as he watches the matador fight the bull. For as much fun as it is, he soon realizes that the travel and the excitement have left him feeling worn out, so he decides to find a nearby restaurant b...

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A horny lion and a horny mouse

agree to fuck each other.

The lion informs the mouse "I'm the king of the jungle with a reputation to uphold, therefore must do this in hiding and I must go first. " The mouse replies "You're so large, you'll fuck me to death, let me go first then when I'm done you can have your turn". The l...

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One day a man gets on a bus and sees the most beautiful Muslim woman sitting in one of the seats.

Even with her headscarf he can tell she’s gorgeous. The seat next to her is open so he sits beside her. He decides he has to have her, but can’t think of what to say to her so he asks, “do you want to have sex?”

The woman slaps him and gets off the bus. A few stops later the man goes to get ...

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A communist spy and an American spy are camping out in opposite buildings on Moscow.

Each one knows the other is there but thinks the other does not know that they are there. After hours of spying each one decides they need to go out for some fresh air. However, since both would be easily recognized they decide to put on disguises. The Communist, a female, puts on an elaborate mal...

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A redhead, a brunette and a blonde are escaping prison...

They come across a farm and decide to hide among the animals in a desperate attempt to conceal themselves.
The police show up and find the redhead within the chicken coop. “Squawk, cock-a-doodle-do,” she cries.
Next, they find the brunette hiding among the cows in their pens. “Moo!” She lows, ...

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A man gets on a bus and ends up sitting next to a hot nun.

Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus.

The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun.

"Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to ...

When I was baptised, the priest wore a fake nose, moustache and pair of glasses.

It was a blessing in disguise.

Shopping Spree

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman, as he handed her a few of his business cards.

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesm...

The good doctor

A doctor moves to America, but is not allowed to continue practicing medicine. So he opens a shop with a sign that says "$20 and we'll cure any illness. Guaranteed, or you get $100 back."

A lawyer sees the sign and realizes he can make an easy $100. He walks into the clinic and says he lost ...

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A guy gets on a bus... [long]

A guy gets on a bus—

The only available seat is next to a nun.
I HATE nuns, he thinks. It’s the only available seat, so he begrudgingly sits down next to her.
After a few minutes, she runs her head ever so slightly and he can see her face.
She’s the most beautiful woman he’s ever ...

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A Marine Corps is training in the woods

They have to disguise themselves as trees and stand still until their Drill Seargent allows them to move.

After 17 hours one of the soldiers freaks out and starts jumping around. The Seargent, visibly upset, approaches him.

Seargent: „Soldier! What the fuck are you doing?“

Soldi...

Whats red, looks like a bucket, shaped like a bucket and holds water?

A red bucket.

Whats blue, looks like a bucket, shaped like a bucket and holds water?

A red bucket in disguise.

My 8 year old son...the comedian.

Two chemists walk into a Bar

chemist 1: I’ll have some H2O

chemist 2: I’ll have some H2O also

chemist 2’s arch nemesis disguised as the bartender: [under breath] so close....

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A skilled, anonymous criminal was infamously wanted for multiple cases of robbery and theft.

...and it was rumored that he was planning to steal the riches of the wealthy mayor of the city. Since this criminal was known to have pulled off such fantastic heists before, it was no doubt that he would eventually successfully achieve this goal, which meant that the police station was on high ale...

A blond is tired of being made fun of for being blond

So many jokes about blonds had given her a bad reputation. So she decides to change her hair color to hide it.

Every day on her way to work she would run into a shepherd with lots of sheep. She decides today to stop and talk to the shepherd.

She said to him “ If i can guess how many ...

A Mother superior and two novices were killed in a bus crash.

They soon found themselves at the pearly gates. St. Peter greeted all three.

"Welcome sisters, Mother superior. What a great honor to have you here." he said. Then a little more softly, he said.

"Unfortunately, we've had a few people slipping into heaven disguised as nuns. I'm afraid ...

D&D...

is just math disguised as Skyrim.

Every time I go to a comic convention in my normal clothes, people ask me who I'm going as. I finally have an answer...

Thanks to Marvel, I'm going as a Skrull in disguise...

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Hannibal Lecter escapes his prison, and begins a cannibalistic killing spree.

Bodies turn up all over the city, mutilated and butchered like livestock. The livers are missing from the bodies, as is muscle from the shoulders, legs and back, the tongues, a variety of human flesh all carved out and eaten by Lecter after killing his victims.

Not only that, but he escapes t...

A blonde walks into a small store and picks an item to buy. [Long]

A blonde walks into a small store and picks an item to she wants to buy. She goes to the only cashier (who is also the manager of the place) and tells him:

"How much is this hair dryer?"

The cashier replies: "This is not for sale".

The blonde returns the item and leaves. Next da...

A blonde girl goes to an appliance store

She spots the t.v. she's been saving up for, picks it up and goes to the cashier
The cashier says "Sorry ma'am, we don't serve blondes"
Disgruntled she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she goes into the appliance store, picks out the same t.v. and once again goes to...

A sad man at the bar

A man sat at a bar looking really depressed. “Why the long face?” asked the bartender
“Well, my wife got mad at me and wouldn’t speak to me for a month.”
“What! That’s a blessing in disguise! You’ll get peace and quiet for a whole month,” said the bartender.
“The problem is,” replied the ma...

Two nurses are working at a children's hospital.

While they are checking on their patients, out of nowhere a man wearing doctor's clothing and sporting long hair and a beard shuffles into the ward. Without saying anything to the nurses, he moves around the room, healing all the kids with a few words and hand gestures. He then just as quickly leave...

A father decides to commit a crime

But before he can do it he must get a disguise, so he heads on down to a halloween shop and buys a pirate disguise.
Now that he has a disguise he went to go commit the crime. After the crime was done he escaped home, but as he was removing said disguise his son walked in
“Father you look like ...

I went as the Air for Halloween

But everyone saw right through my disguise.

They say that one tree can make a million matches.

I wonder if this is true. Since I disguised myself as a tree on Tinder, I don't make any matches at all.

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Jesus is bored in heaven and decides to take a vacation to Earth

He thinks hitchhiking could be fun, so he disguises himself as an average looking American and flies down from heaven onto a highway in Nebraska. He sticks his thumb out and after a little while, an 18-wheeler pulls over to offer a ride. He climbs in the cab, tells the driver he's headed west and ...

Dave is a talented mime who works at the local zoo.

He is very good at his job and is well liked by the guests of the zoo. One day, the zoo's famous orangutan dies suddenly. Not wanting to close the exhibit, the zoo approaches Dave with a proposition. Dave is to dress up in a realistic orangutan suit and pretend to be the orangutan, until the zoo can...

Three ropes are lost in the desert.

The group of ropes find a town, and find the bar. They run in and ask for water.
Ropes: can we have some water!?
Bar keep: didn't ya see the sign, no ropes! Get out!
And the bar keep kicks them out. The first rope has an idea: what if two of us stack up so that we look like a pers...

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The King and the Fucker on the bridge

Once upon a time there lived a king who wanted to test the loyalty of his subjects. He raised heavy taxes on his people and demanded high rent for the land.

There were no complaints. None.

The king summoned one of his officers and instructed him to collect one gold coin from everyone p...

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My Grandpa was an amazing man

My grandpa left school and was told by his parents, whom could clearly afford it, that if he wanted to study at university he would need to pay his own way. Well he did exactly that and took a role as a mail boy in a merchant bank.

When WW1 broke he was drafted and fought as a officer in the ...

A string walks into a bar

A string walks into a bar, approaches the bartender and says, “Excuse me sir, I’d like a beer.”

The bartender says gruffly, “We don’t serve strings here,” and kicks the string out.

The string goes home and thinks, “What I need is a disguise.” So he twists himself around and around, tea...

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Bruce and a Rich Man

A rather stupid, but rich man was on a luxury cruise when he met a French man named Bruce.
Bruce seemed to be quite popular on the cruise ship, as he had made a name for himself as a diver. It got to the point where he was just referred to as Bruce Diver. He would often tell people about wh...

A masked priest just threw some holy water at me...

... I think it was a blessing in disguise.

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A man enters a bus one day

And sits next to the most beautiful nun he's ever seen. He tries to contain his excitement, but after awhile, he asks her

"Sister, I know you are not supposed to, but I find you to be the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I would not forgive myself if I did not try. Would you grant me th...

Joker walks in a bar

Joker walks in a bar and takes a sit.

Batman comes disguised as a barman to take the order.

Joker - "Can you give me a martini with ice?"

Batman taking of the costume - " No, I will serve you justice"

A string is walking home from work one Friday evening after a long week at work.

And so the string decides that he shall stop at his favorite Pub and treat himself to a pint before going home to the wife. But after a decent walk he arrives at the pub to find a new sign on the door that reads " No Strings Allowed".

The string becomes infuriated. "How dare they" he thinks t...

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An homeless man asks a nun...

An homeless man asks a nun on the bus if she would have sex with him. She immediately declines his offer and slaps him in the face.

At the next stop, the nun gets off and heads her way home. The homeless man gets off at the stop immediately after, but as he steps off, the bus driver stops hi...

A piece of string breaks out of prison.

Just one mile out from crossing state lines, the piece of string sees a checkpoint up ahead.

Frantic and worried that he will be recognized, the bit of string hatches an idea for a disguise.

He starts by rolling around on the ground, to the point he becomes dirty and tattered.
Ne...

Mystery movie idea

Acclaimed actor goes missing. Police zero in on the suspects being his director, wife and brother. Plot twist: Actor is now living a different life disguised as a quizmaster at a European game show. No one expects thespian is in quiz session.

A man in Texas is driving with twenty penguins in the bed of his pickup…

…when he is stopped by a State Trooper. The trooper approaches and tells the man that he needs to take the penguins to the zoo immediately as they are non-native and not registered to the man as pets. “Right away, officer,” replies the man, and off he goes.

The following day, the same man i...

What's one moustache plus twenty moustaches?

A hell of a disguise.

Came up by my 6 year old daughter and wife.

Why can't you find any planes at the airport?

They're all in disguise.

A pirate ship is voyaging at sea.

First mate: Captain there is an enemy ship on the horizon preparing for battle!

Captain: Bring me my red shirt!

The two ships got to battle and the enemy ship ends up being destroyed.

First mate: Captain why did you ask me to bring you a red shirt before the battle?

Cap...

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