UPJOKE
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Sub Jokes

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CAN MODS OF THIS SUB DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO ARE ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!

WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, AN ELDERLY WOMAN. SHE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING PEOPLE, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE 11 IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE ...

One sinking sub is called The Titan, what do you call a fleet of sinking subs?

Reddit.

Why does Greta Thunberg love this sub?

Coz of the amount of reused content here.

Antiwork did an interview on Fox News to try to create a good public image of their sub

It didn't work.

Can we ban "yo momma" jokes from this sub? They're old, stupid and have been done by literally everyone hundreds of times..

Just like yo mamma

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I was told my joke belonged on this sub. (Original)

Two men are riding the subway in a big city, when one looks over to the other and says, "Say, how did you get those scratches all over your arms and face?"

The second man says, "Oh, these? I have an asshole cat who won't stop scratching me, but I'm about to rehome him to a friend. I'm actua...

I've posted 9 puns here in this sub but none of them got upvoted. If this one doesn't either, then...

...no pun in ten did

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Can everyone in this sub please brighten my day up a bit? My parrot died last night.

His last words were "Oh fuck, I think my parrot is dying!"

This sub could do with more Geology jokes

No pressure.

They finally did it, Reddit has made impossible for blind people to moderate their sub with the api changes. This is their last statement from r/blind

"H dhei osndhsjbw siso is koqp odjd jsoa JD djs sis ikksbs"

(I am sorry for this horrible joke and I really hope things may work out for you)

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Most of the dirty jokes I see on this sub are either about necrophilia, bestiality, or masturbation. They used to be funny.

But at this point, they're beating off a dead horse.

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Interesting fact about myself: (1) my penis is not as long as a footlong sub

(2) I'm banned from Subway

Is this the right sub? Need help repairing my fence.

It seems everyone knows how to repost here.

Is this sub still active???

I haven't seen a post all year...

A blonde joke my sub told us.

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.
...

Why is r/jokes the most environment-friendly sub?

Because we recycle 100%

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Remembered this joke a while ago, and didn't see it on this sub, so decided to share.

Before the start of the lesson, the girls from Johnny's class come to see the teacher to complain about Johnny's inappropriate comments towards them.

The teacher told the girls to walk out of the class the next time they get offended by one of Johnny's comments and she will then deal with him...

Trying this sub as not going down well on sub Funny. Is it too dark?

So my friend punched me today after catching me sniffing his sisters knickers. She was still in them at the time so i cant complain really.


Apparently it made the rest of her funeral awkward though.

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My wife said this sub is nothing but the same recycled crap over and over.

She is so wrong so I told her to check my history. My last post here says otherwise.

The jokes about food on this sub are cheesy.

The jokes about food on this sub are cheesy......

I mean I'm not wrong.

This must be Reddit's most eco-friendly sub...

99% recycled content.

This sub is just terrible bank of awful puns

and I'm losing interest

This sub is the most representative sub on this platform.

Cause after a minute of scrolling, you start muttering: Reddit, Reddit, Reddit...

This sub isn't as good as it used to be

Said the captain as he decommissioned the old submarine.

A few years ago I had a proud (step)dad moment I think this sub will like..

This was right after picking her up from preschool. She was usually a bit grumpy and I always tried to be fun and keep the drive home more upbeat.

 

Her: "I'm hungry."

Me: "Nice to meet you, hungry, I'm dad."

Her: "Ahhhhgh could you not say that anymore?"

...

If you are on a blind date, try opening with a joke you found here on this sub.

That way you can make sure it’s not some weirdo who is on Reddit.

Guys I know why there are no paper jokes on this sub

It's because they're tearable

AITA for calling my husband “my hoagie” during BDSM roleplay when I was supposed to call him “my hero”?

Oops! Wrong, sub.

Did you hear about the OceanGate company that lost the Titan sub?

Apparently their business is going under.

Semper ubi sub ubi

Always where under where

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Al the Irish jokes I've heard - Irish this sub a happy St. Patrick's Day!:

* What do you get when you cross a 4 leaf clover with poison ivy? A rash of good luck.
* What do you call a fake Irish stone? A shamrock.
* Why shouldn't you iron a 4-leaf clover? You'd be pressing your luck.
* What instrument did the diva musician play on St. Patrick's day? Brag-pipes....

Whenever I see a joke on this sub

I feel like I’ve reddit before

I actually thought the Titan sub implosion was uplifting news [NSFW]

It was the first time in human history a billionaire had killed a teenager in international waters and the only reason they shared DNA was due to being related.

The crew of the Titan sub didn't really like each other.

Since the accident they are all chummy now.

If any of you on this sub are thinking of getting married soon, consider this carefully before you do.

On the one hand, you get to wear a really cool ring.

On the other hand, you don’t.

Every time I post a joke to this sub it gets downvoted

uʍop ǝpᴉsdn ǝuo sᴉɥʇ ǝʇᴉɹʍ ll,I oS

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What do you call sub-atomic sex?

A quantum entanglement.

What is the point of the "Spoiler" tag in this sub?

I mean, unless you leave out the punchline, every joke ends in a spoiler, right? (Serious question, SORRY.)

What kind of cheese did OceanGate serve on its sub?

The Brie

A post on this sub is rarely original

We've all reddit before.

I’m fed up with all these Chuck Norris jokes on this Sub!

If he’s such a tough badass, I dare him to come over here and smash my face against my keybhrbhdbvdggdvrvvhdhdbsbhdhebb

Jokes on this sub are like US Presidents

Last time I saw a good one, it was dark.

The blonde jokes on this sub need to stop!

I'm blonde and I don't get them.

I ordered a sub through Door Dash

But when I answered the door, he just gave me a sandwich and left.

AITA? I bought my coworker chicken avocado instead of tuna avocado from Subway, and now they’re mad.

Whoops, wrong sub.

I will not be stepping down as moderator for this sub-reddit, and here is why.

I wasn't one in the first place.

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Alright, screw it... here is my contribution to this sub. This is a joke from my HS days that, whomever I've shared it with, has had a healthy roar. Hope ya'll like it.

A man and his gf go into a bar. He walks over to grab a table and she heads straight for the bar. While she's waiting for their drinks, this absolutely hammered guy a few feet away leans over to her and goes: I just wanna tell you, you have an incredible rack on you.
She responds: Look pal, I'...

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All those people claiming Donald Trump is like Hitler need a reality check.

After all, its not like Donald Trump could write a book.

Edit: alot of people moaning in the comments "this is a stupid joke, Trump did actually write some books so this makes no sense!?".

Look at the sub you are in, some of these posts you'll see will just be jokes. If you are the sn...

I think this sub can do with some more archeology jokes.

But they are hard to uncover

This sub is seriously falling apart

I knew I should’ve gone to Subway

Showerthoughts sub has a new sub for its highest awarded posts but it’s NSFW

r/Goldenshowerthoughts

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Whats Gordon Ramsay's favourite sub-reddit.

IT'S FUCKING R/AWW , YOU IDIOT!

This sub is really disappointing me lately.

I'm going to try the meatballs next time.

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21 ways to piss off the mods on this sub

[removed]

See if you can guess which sub this got removed from:

I just traded a piece of fruit for a weight measuring device....

Banana for scale

TIFU by accidentally cheating on my wife at a BDSM convention with a woman who was wearing the same leather mask

Whoops, wrong sub

TIL that you can get dishonorably discharged from the Navy for boarding the wrong vessel just once.

Whoops, wrong sub

Scientists have discovered the sub-atomic particle that confers density.

They've called it the Moron.

If I had a dollar for every good joke on this sub...

I would have around 15 dollars and a lot of photocopied money.

Greta Thunberg should really mention this sub Reddit in her next public speech

This sub has achieved almost 100% recycling rate for the jokes, perfect example of how a sustainable society should be.

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What do you call a masturbating Vegan?

A WeedWhacker (sorry if it’s awful first time on this sub)

New decade, new jokes on this sub

See the statement above for the biggest joke on this sub

I finally got someone to be my valentine!

I wish I could post this in any other sub.

What kind of song did Sub-Zero, Raiden, and Scorpion sing at their Scandinavian church?

Finnish Hymn!

Why shouldn't subs go underwater?

Because the bread gets soggy

Who orders an Italian sub?

An Italian dom.

I love how eco conscious this sub is.

All the top content is recycled.

TIFU when I brought my pregnant wife home a meatball foot long instead of the teriyaki chicken she asked for

Whoops, wrong sub.

TIL in 1974 Russians accidentally blew up their own submarine, thinking it was an enemy

Oops, wrong sub

I'm sick of this sub

I should have gone with the soup.

This sub is empty.

I haven't seen a joke since last year!

TIL: After Pearl Harbor, US warships fired upon friendly u boats heading back to port.

Whoops, wrong sub.

What’s the price for mutiny in the sub atomic realm?

Walking the Planck.

This sub seems like a dad joke contest lately

And I have one!

"Un, deux, trois, quatre", radioed the French ship...

...before it cinq.

"Eins, zwei, drei", radioed the German ship vierlessly, but then silence.

"Uno, dos", radioed the Spanish ship, and then disappeared without a tres.

"One," radioed the British ship before it went two.

"Won," radioed the American sub.

r/jokes is the most environment-friendly sub on Reddit

It is made of 97% recycled material.

Hey, I'm new to this Sub, and think I'm going to have a lot of fun here!

said the lettuce leaf foolishly. He was yet to come to terms that he, and eveyone else in this Sub, are going to be eaten.

An ant walks into this Reddit sub.

The bar is set really low here.

This was the year I got all I wanted: a girlfriend, a steady job, and many new friends. All I could want for the next year is...

to be able to post this in a different sub.

Hookers on Naval Subs

Substitutes.

Scrolling this sub is like fixing a fence that's fallen.

Repost. Repost. Repost.

I saw a documentary about a submarine that recycles 87% of its garbage

But I think this sub is doing even better!

Thank you r/jokes. I read this sub every morning at the beginning of my work day, laughing like a maniac till my hands and legs shake uncontrollably.

I just wish the kids on the school bus I'm driving would stop screaming in fear once in awhile.

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What is the difference between Ajit Pai and Hitler?

Hitler was doing what he thought was best for his country.

Edit: I'm getting a lot of comments that the comparison is very inaccurate and Hitler was much worse than Pai. To those people, I invite you to check which sub you are currently on. The results will shock you!

Edit 2: Wow so...

Why are there no subs in Pennsylvania?

Everyone is either a hoagie or a dom.

New jokes on this sub are often rated at the square root of -100

They would be a 10, but new jokes here are imaginary.

A strict submarine captain is reassigned to a new submarine...

... after a few days of laying down new rules, enforcing them strictly, and allowing the crewmen nary a minute off, he saw derogatory posters about him taped around the craft.

Calling for his first officer, he said:
"First Officer, I demand that the submarine be scoured, and every one of t...

I was sorting the sub by new.

Nothing came up.

The frequency of bad physics jokes in this sub...

It Hertz

A moderator of this sub is my neighbor in real life, and is demanding that my fence be removed

...just because I re-posted it.

Listen guys, I know this sub is all in good fun, but I don't think it's right to be making dumb jokes about obese people.

They already have enough on their plates.

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Not my joke, I saw it on a different sub

“I like my coffee like how I like my slaves”

𝘞𝘢𝘪𝘵 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘶𝘯𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘵𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 𝘴𝘪𝘭𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘦

“Free, you racist bastards”

List of the best jokes on this sub:

https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x7nqa/list_of_the_best_jokes_on_this_sub/

This sub is extremely environmentally friendly

It only uses recycled jokes

What does this sub have in common with the majority of men?

Neither seem to understand the definition of Long

Why is this sub-reddit the most environmentally-friendly service online?

Because the content is made up of 95% recycled materials.

We are proud to announce that r/Jokes is now completely environmentally friendly sub

It's wholly made of recycled materials.

What‘s an Emos favorite sub?

/wrists

My dad is like the reposts on this sub.

I see him on a regular basis and he stopped being funny a long time ago.

What is the sub-genre of metal preferred by most tuna fish?

Alba-core.

Can the mods of this sub explain as to why my posts were removed?

Now my fence has fallen over….

I thought my jokes about fat people would be great for this sub

but none of them worked out.

This sub really likes to watch its carbon footprint

I know because it keeps on recycling the same jokes

I saw a pun on this sub and I don’t get it.

I guess I just reddit wrong.

Imagine if lightning hit a sub-station

The results would be electrifying

My ten year old daughter told this one...

A girl and a boy are locked out of their house. They can't find any way in, so the girl leans forward and starts talking to the door lock... "Hey door lock you're looking nice today, why don't you go ahead and let us in."

The door magically unlocks itself. The boy is shocked, "how did you d...

I've only got one dirty joke on this sub.

The rest were scrubbed.

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I made a compilation of my favorite 10 jokes from this sub. The first 9 are great but #10 is fucking gold.

1. Great

2. Great

3. Great

4. Great

5. Great

6. Great

7. Great

8. Great

9. Great

10. Fucking Gold.

If I had $1 for every repost in this sub...

I'd have the same dollar given to me over and over again.

What's Sub-Zero's favorite thing to order at a restaurant?

A combo

This r/jokes sub uses a lot of military slang ...

every repost is like ... copy that.

Why I dislike this sub:

There's not enough cheese and bacon on it. I think I'll go to a different place for lunch next time.

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A Wife took a DNA test for her kid

After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks strange so she decides to do a DNA test.

She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.

Husband: What's up?

Wife: According to DNA t...

Is a hot dog a sandwich or a sub?

It’s just a hot dog. No bun intended.

We should say “mucho” to all spanish speakers in this sub

it means a lot to them for sure.

Greta thunberg began screaming,

“I will not fly private!” She said to her manager as they pulled into the parking lot.

“The conference is two days away and across the ocean, would you like to fly coach?” He replied.

“On a commercial airline produced by slave labor? I don’t think so!” She screamed.

Her manag...

Dominatrix author onlyfans creator seeks a fellow writer to be my sub

Basically I need a sub-scriber

The amount of new jokes on this sub is ridiculous today.

Just wait 4 years and they will all be reposted.

There's a new Reddit sub for perverts

r/kelly

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