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I participated in a joke writing competition on this sub three years ago.

The mods laid out 4 simple rules quite clearly:

1. For the following two days, all posts on this sub would be considered as entries for the competition.

2. The post with the most upvotes would be declared as the winner, i.e., the best joke. The number of upvotes until the end o...

There's so many bad puns on this sub' it's making me just feel numb, and don't talk about the math ones..

..they make me feel even number.

"Un, deux, trois, quatre", radioed the French ship...

...before it cinq.

"Eins, zwei, drei", radioed the German ship vierlessly, but then silence.

"Uno, dos", radioed the Spanish ship, and then disappeared without a tres.

"One," radioed the British ship before it went two.

"Oh," radioed the American sub. "I guess we won"

I have a well paid job, genuine friends and a girlfriend who loves me very much...

Wish I could post this on any other sub

Looking back on 10 years of marriage

Wanted to save this story for one of my favorite subs.

When I first met my wife we went on our first date and I was pretty nervous. I wanted to take her somewhere different to break the monotonous “first date” vibe of coffee or drinks so we decided to go to a local apiary to help transpla...

I thought this sub could use a little more self-deprecating humor...

... too bad I suck at telling jokes.

Viper

(I am not sure if this joke has been said before on this sub)

A lady was at her desk one day and receives a phone call from someone unknown. She goes ahead and picks up the phone and hears a man say,“This is the Viper, I am coming in one week.” The lady hangs up and seems pretty confused. Si...

Can we mix up the "yo momma" jokes on this sub? They're easy, fun, and don't get done enough.

Just like yo sista.

Inspector: What do you see ?

Sub-inspector: Idk why but, the suspect is dancing naked in the middle of the street

Inspector: copy that



Sub-inspector: I'm not much of a dancer, but I'll try my best.

Can we ban "yo momma" jokes from this sub? They're old, stupid and have been done by literally everyone hundreds of times

Just like yo mamma

Two old guys are working at a sewage treatment plant

One guy goes off to lunch and comes back to find his buddy standing above a vat of sewage with a long rake.

"What are you doing?!" he yells

"My coat fell in" his buddy yells back

"You're not really gonna wear that again are you?!"

"No, no. Gosh no, I'm not going to wear ...

Two electrons were following quantum physics principles, as usual, while exchanging virtual protons to conduct an electric current

One electron said to the other, "This quantum trading stuff sounds like imaginary nonsense; if I can carry meaningful information faster than the speed of light, then I will."

The remaining electron watched his former partner depart into the nether, sighed, then said to his collar microphone,...

Why do environmentalists love this sub?

Because everything here is recycled.

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Why, what, who?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard when he lives in the jungle without a razor?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why does...

A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine...

A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine...

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 mi...

What is a lawyer’s favorite drink?

a subPOENA COLADA!

Why do ants have eyes?

So they can see.


(Downvote if you like ant eye humour doesn't really belong on this sub

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How many redditors does it take to change a light bulb?

Q: How many group members does it take to change a light bulb ?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the...

Went to my local sandwich shop and asked for “a sub filled to the brim with cheese and baloney”

They just linked me to r/jokes

A navy officer on a submarine was doing his rounds and noticed something odd...

There was what looked like a frying pan handle sticking out of the floor of the sub! The officer did some more looking around, and saw more strange things sticking out of the floor: golf clubs, clothes irons, car bumpers, and even half a bicycle!

Alarmed by this, he went up to the sub command...

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(I saw this as a meme, but haven't found it on this sub yet so here it goes) Pixar's movies always have the same idea

What if x has feelings?

Examples:

Toy Story: What if toys have feelings

Cars: What if cars have feelings

Inside Out: What if feelings have feelings

Soul: What if black people have feelings?

Who orders an Italian sub?

An Italian dom.

r/jokes is the most environment-friendly sub on Reddit

It is made of 97% recycled material.

What do I wish this sub had less of?

Bread.

What’s the price for mutiny in the sub atomic realm?

Walking the Planck.

What do you call a dog in a submarine?

A sub-woofer

A few years ago I had a proud (step)dad moment I think this sub will like..

This was right after picking her up from preschool. She was usually a bit grumpy and I always tried to be fun and keep the drive home more upbeat.

 

Her: "I'm hungry."

Me: "Nice to meet you, hungry, I'm dad."

Her: "Ahhhhgh could you not say that anymore?"

...

I love how eco conscious this sub is.

All the top content is recycled.

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

If any of you on this sub are thinking of getting married soon, consider this carefully before you do.

On the one hand, you get to wear a really cool ring.

On the other hand, you don’t.

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Guy visits his favourite Dominatrix

He puts his money on the bedside table and says “I’ve been bad, mistress. I need to be punished.”

She makes him strip and bend over as she whips his quivering bottom.
Next she makes him crawl into bed and ties him securely to the bedposts.

She runs her whip over his flesh and, as he...

I've posted 9 puns here in this sub but none of them got upvoted. If this one doesn't either, then...

...no pun in ten did

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The worst joke in the world

WW3 breaks out and the President authorizes use of the most powerful weapon ever made, a joke so bad it causes instant death to the listener. The problem is, it was said to be developed in revolutionary times by British expats and nobody could remember where it has been stashed away.

To find...

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Joe Biden, Boris Johnson and Angela Merkel are having dinner together at a waterfront restaurant after a conference

As they look out at the water, conversation turns to the naval forces of their respective countries.

Boris Johnson chimes in and says "Our British submarines are impeccable works of engineering, they can stay underwater for two weeks without refuelling." Biden is interested, Merkel more so....

What's Sub-Zero's favorite thing to order at a restaurant?

A combo

What did Ryu and Ken find at Chuck-E-Cheese?

**HA TOKEN!**

**- - -**

(Street Fighter joke, but I know my fellow nerds lurk this sub)

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it...

The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony,...

Amnesia is no joke

Based on the content in this sub alone, at least 19 million people have it.

My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?

Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves? "




Ps: This sub in a nutshell

Hookers on Naval Subs

Substitutes.

The jokes in this sub are good and original

Unfortunately, the original ones aren't good, and the good ones aren't original.

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Some of the jokes on this sub are like sex.

I don’t get it.

Call me any names you want, but I believe my country is being run by a decent and intelligent president for years already. All I could wish for is...

to be able to post this in a different sub.

This sub is empty.

I haven't seen a joke since last year!

This was the year I got all I wanted: a girlfriend, a steady job, and many new friends. All I could want for the next year is...

to be able to post this in a different sub.

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German Naval Captain got transferred to a U-Boat

His crew (all English defectors), did not like his German methods of leadership. After a few days of laying down new rules, enforcing them strictly, and allowing the crewmen barely a minute off, he saw several derogatory posters about him taped around the craft. Calling for his first officer, he sai...

Has anyone seen my marzipan cake anywhere?

I think it's been stollen.

(My first post to the sub so go easy on me!)

The world's oldest recorded joke in history.

I'm a long-time fan of this sub-reddit and frequent up-voter, but I seldomly have anything funny to post, so here is the oldest joke in recorded history, dating back to 1900 BC (almost 4 thousand years ago from ancient Sumeria):

Q: What is something that has never before occurred since time i...

The jokes about food on this sub are cheesy.

The jokes about food on this sub are cheesy......

I mean I'm not wrong.

This r/jokes sub uses a lot of military slang ...

every repost is like ... copy that.

A werewolf stenographer starts a YouTube channel from his post on a U-boat:

Lychan Sub Scribe

As a dominant I love reddit...

This place is full of subs

TIFU by mixing up by wifes sandwich order at Subway

Whops, wrong sub.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

CAN MODS OF THIS SUB DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO ARE ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!

WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, AN ELDERLY WOMAN. SHE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING PEOPLE, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE 11 IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE ...

A moderator of this sub is my neighbor in real life, and is demanding that my fence be removed

...just because I re-posted it.

Why does Greta Thunberg love this sub?

Coz of the amount of reused content here.

TIL For 15 years, the Swedes thought sounds from the sea were Russian submarines invading their territory. They regularly investigated, sending subs, boats and helicopters - at great expense - only to come up empty-handed.

Upon investigation by a biologist, the noise was discovered to be farts from fish.

It seems the Swedes were having herring problems.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Interesting fact about myself: (1) my penis is not as long as a footlong sub

(2) I am abnned from Subway

Is a hot dog a sandwich or a sub?

It’s just a hot dog. No bun intended.

Why don’t the people who write jokes on this sub get drunk at parties?

Because they don’t know how a punchline works.

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats

and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome"...

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Why did a mathematician named his dog Cauchy?

Let me test math awareness of this sub. This was told by a professor in a class.

Answer: because it left residue at every pole!

This sub really likes to watch its carbon footprint

I know because it keeps on recycling the same jokes

What's the difference between a vegan and a straight male submissive?

A vegan craves umami. A male sub craves "ooh mommy".

Not a joke....

I'd like to thank everyone here in r/Jokes.
Everyday I get from here my share of laughing and making others laugh. I think having good mood is the most important thing in life. I find light for my heart and soul here, everyday.

Whenever some of you feel sad, just enter this sub and rememb...

Why are good jokes barely seen on this sub?

Cos the real jokes always lies in the comments.

Did you hear about the guy who assaulted a reposter on a prescription drug sub?

He was a pharma karma farmer harmer.

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A Man Sees a Therapist Because He Isn't Getting Enough Sleep

(Go easy on me, I'm new to the sub)

Upon hearing this the therapist asks: "So when was your last sexual encounter?"

Clearly annoyed, the man responds: "Why does everything come back to sex with you psychologists? My sleep has absolutely nothing to do with sex!!"

And the therapis...

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What's Gordon Ramsay's favourite sub?

It's fucking r/aww

I'm smart enough to be aware but not smart enough to be empowered...

Sure wish I could post this on another sub.

Hey, I'm new to this Sub, and think I'm going to have a lot of fun here!

said the lettuce leaf foolishly. He was yet to come to terms that he, and eveyone else in this Sub, are going to be eaten.

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A young woman is ready for her first mission in the US Navy.

She sits down across the Lieutenant's desk, ready to be assigned. "You will be serving on the USS Trojan," the Lieutenant says, "A state-of-the-art Submarine erected in 2003, and has never been in the water."

"Never been in the water? Even after 17 years?" She asks, the Lieutenant nods.
...

A man is suicidal and is about to jump off a building

“Don’t do it!” shouts another man from behind him. “God loves you and has given you life for a purpose.”

“Really?” says the suicidal man.

“Yes. Do you believe in God?”

“Yes.”

“Me too! Christian or non-Christian?”

“Christian.”

“Me too! Which denomination?”...

My wife said I was getting lucky tonight and I could tell everyone on Reddit.

I wish she said I could post it in a different sub.

My dog has to wear this cone till he heals from surgery. It helps with the biting, but the barking?

He sounds like a sub-whoofer.

Students late for class

A sub fills in for a high-school class and is taking attendance. She notices 4 students missing, but starts the lesson.

A couple of minutes into class, a girl walks in. The sub asks her name, she gives it. The sub asks, "why are you late?" To which the student replies, "I was blowing bubbles....

I have a life!

I wish this was posted in a different sub.

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The Navy decides its time to help its enlisted transition to careers after their experience serving.

They decided to put an Occupational Counselor on every ship, including submarines. The Hephaestus was one of the best submarines in the fleet and their Occupational Counselor was no exception. He was incredible. There was no resume he couldn’t perfect. No college and company he didn’t have contacts ...

Reposts versus retellings. (Not a joke)

I just wanted to make a quick PSA about jokes.

Jokes are meant to be retold. A good joke gets told a thousand times, and spreads like a virus. Like a virus a joke will often mutate and change as it passes from person to person, often tweaked for better performance.

Now, what is the dif...

Why r/jokes is most climate friendly sub because it

recycles continuously.

Yesterday I ate lunch at a sub place called James Jonathan’s

It was a little fancier than Jimmy John’s

What do you call a burnt submarine?

A toasted sub

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I'm GOING to start a sub for premature ejaculation sufferers.

You guys came too early.

What do you call the most upvoted posts on this sub?

Karma-dy gold

Manchester United

Thought the current situation fitted well with this sub

I'm sick of this sub

I should have gone with the soup.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

All those people claiming Donald Trump is like Hitler need a reality check.

After all, its not like Donald Trump could write a book.

Edit: alot of people moaning in the comments "this is a stupid joke, Trump did actually write some books so this makes no sense!?".

Look at the sub you are in, some of these posts you'll see will just be jokes. If you are the sn...

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For a wedding gift a guy decides to tattoo his wife's name on his penis.

When erect it proudly reads "Wendy" on the side of his shaft, but when soft it only shows "Wy". While on his honeymoon in the Caribbean, he is using the bathroom and notices the guy in the urinal next to him also has a "Wy" on his penis. He then asks the guy if his wife is named Wendy. The guy re...

I have a girlfriend

I hate the fact that I can say that on this sub

looking for a joke

I remember seeing a joke on here a while back about a "woosh maker" or "whomp maker"? something like that. I have searched google and the sub and i cannot seem to find it. Does anyone happen to have this, or know where I can find it?

When I was a kid, I would dream of being chased through the woods by a tall, unusually thin man in a suit, holding a fruit smoothie in one hand and an electic mixer in the other. His name?

Blender Man.



As a little sub-note to this terrible joke, you may think it funnier that when I first typed it out, my phrasing was "....chased through the woulds....", coz I'm a dolt.

I've only got one dirty joke on this sub.

The rest were scrubbed.

When going on a blind date, try opening with a joke you read on this sub.

This way you can ensure they are not some weirdo who’s on Reddit.

My gf thinks I have a good sense of humor.

Until she found out this sub reddit.

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A man walks into an eco-friendly sandwich shop.

He takes a few steps in and realizes that the place smells like shit. The man asks a lady sitting down what the smell is all about.

"This place uses cow manure to power the place. It smells bad, but it does help the ecosystem."

The man is confused, but since the place has good food r...

We are proud to announce that r/Jokes is now completely environmentally friendly sub

It's wholly made of recycled materials.

I have amnesia

It’s the only reason I find this sub consistently funny

As a non-American I just wanted to say I don't think America is filled with idiots.

Yeah, right sub.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Boris Johnson,Donald Trump and Angela Merkel are fishing..

Boris Johnson, Donald Trump and Angela Merkel are fishing on the North Sea coast .

Boris Johnson starts to brag while looking at the Water : „We British have the best submarines in the World. Our subs can be submerged under water for over one month without refueling!“

Merkel is looking...

What do people in this sub and a bakery have in common?

They both rely on cake to be successful

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in a coma..

A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in a coma when she notices that the patients heart rate and breathing increase whenever she cleans the genital area. She gets the idea that oral sex might actually revive her. She calls the patient's husband over and explains that oral sex might revive her,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An earlier joke on the sub reminded me of this old classic...

Three men are at a bar, drinking around a table.
One gulps his beer and loudly brags, "Last night I made love to my wife four times! She said in the morning it was the best sex she's ever had!"

Another slams his empty mug down and boasts, "That's nothing! I just fucked my wife *nine* times...

What happened to the transphobic subs during the ban wave?

They got TERFed out.

A brunette, a ginger, and a blonde are trapped on an island 90 miles from shore

After being stranded for weeks, they decided to swim or die trying.

The Brunette swims 25 miles before drowning.

The Redhead swims 40 miles before drowning

The Blonde swims 50 miles, gets tired, and swims back.



Hope you had a laugh, sorry if this is common on...

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One day a man decides to join the US Marine Corps.

One day a man decides to join the US Marine Corps.

During training, he just can't keep up, so the Sergeant tells him to go home and wait until he's called upon as a reserve.

35 years go by and the man is still not called into action, so he decides to retire.

Out fishing one day,...

Heard this sub has a lot of Star Trek fans. Did you guys know that to cut down on costs, a lot of the cast and crew camped outside in tents while filming the outdoor scenes in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Kahn? I just snagged one on eBay!

Yeah, so anyways - I thought you guys would appreciate my original Kahn tent.

So here's my opinion of this sub

Its pretty good 9/10 would eat here agian

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young boy is in need of some money. (Original)

He catches word of an alien planet with riches on it, so he goes there to find work. The old alien farmer there meets him.

"Ah, come for riches, eh, boy? Well, not to worry. This here is where you'll be a-workin." The old man says, giving the boy a toothy smile.

The man is pointing t...

A man joined the Navy and was stationed on a sub

A man went to the Navy and was stationed on a sub.

This submarine had a system in which service members were stationed at a certain place.

On the third day of his career, he was moved to a different station for work.

On the fourth day, it happened again.

On the fifth day,...

My German grandfather was probably the first moderator on Reddit.

At least he was dying for his sub.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I see there's a popular trend of translating foreign jokes in the sub, so here's a one from Hebrew.

What do you call 10 Moroccan Jews on a roof top?

An alarm system.

An ant walks into this Reddit sub.

The bar is set really low here.

Why do people always talk about gaming on politics subs?

Also, can anyone tell me why Mortal Kombat: Ultra isn't on Steam?

This sub is seriously falling apart

I knew I should’ve gone to Subway

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I made a compilation of my favorite 10 jokes from this sub. The first 9 are great but #10 is fucking gold.

1. Great

2. Great

3. Great

4. Great

5. Great

6. Great

7. Great

8. Great

9. Great

10. Fucking Gold.

Sam was a man with big dreams who lived in a small countryside village

One day, sam decided to follow his dreams and went to the big city. "Now you gotta find a job, Sam" he said to himself, and went to search for one.

After being rejected from several job interviews, Sam returns defeated to his home, there, he decides not to give up. With some money from his pa...

Rumours are spreading that Arnold Schwarzenegger is being cast in a Namor the Sub-Mariner film. It's not known who he will be playing...

But we can confirm that it's not Attuma.

A young man named Theseus moves to a lakeside fishing village looking for work

When he arrives, he finds one of the residents, Justin, is interested in going out and seeing the world, and wants to sell his fishing boat to fund that trip. Thinking that it might be a good way to make a living, Theseus buys the boat and spends the next few years learning the trade, establishing a...

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