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Warrior Jokes

Why did the retired greek warrior go to the doctor?

For post-spartan depression

Why does the Chinese government crackdown on keyboard warriors?

They don't want to have another Typing Rebellion

Warrior: I swear I will have my revenge for the death of my brother!

Elf: You have my bow.

Dwarf: And my axe.

Necromancer: And your brother.

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The Bravest and Fiercest

The king was getting old and did not trust his sons to rule his kingdom after his passing. He decided that he must find a husband for his daughter. This man, who would one day take the throne, had to be the bravest and fiercest warrior in all the land.

The king devised a test. his engineers ...

I don't get why there are so many social justice warriors

Why don't people want to play as social justice mages or social justice rangers?

In my past life, I was a warrior for an Indian Tribe, and was madly in love with the chiefs daughter

In this tribe we were named after the first thing our mothers saw when we were born. And His daughter, Lily Petal, was absolutely beautiful, and everyday I sighed knowing there was nothing I could do to ever win her attention. I was just boring old Falling Rock, a nobody warrior.

But one day,...

A warrior’s brother was killed

“By my sword, I shall have vengeance!”, says the warrior.

“And my bow.” Added the elf.

“And my axe.” Added the dwarf.

“And your dead brother.” Added the necromancer.

A barbarian warrior is captured by the enemy

He was taken before the leader, and told that he had one opportunity for life: he must survive four trials by ordeal.

The first was to walk barefoot across a trench filled with hot coals.

The second, to drink a full quart of the most powerful spirit.

Third, he had to enter a ca...

What do you call a female warrior in a nightgown?

A Pajamazon.

Why do social justice warriors hate dentists?

Because they make teeth straight and white.

A warrior's job is to fight in wars

A gladiator's job is to make people smile

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ISIS Warrior, Frog, Doctor

An ISIS Warrior walks into his Doctor's office with a Frog sitting on his head.

"What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asks.

"Well as you might have seen, there's a really big tumor on my ass." replied the frog.

Two groups of warriors are facing each other beafore a battle

Wanting to intimidate their foes, a swordsman takes out his handkerchief, throws it up into the air and deftly slices it into ribbons before it hits the ground.

Not wanting to be outdone, his opponent also takes out his handkerchief and throws it up in the air. The handkerchief flutters down...

A cowboy challenges an renowned native american warrior to a bear hunt ..

The native guy accepts, so they pack up their tools. The cowboy takes 5 revolvers, 2 rifles and a bunch of knifes just in case. The native? Only one bow and just TWO arrows.

The cowboy is perplexed and has to ask:

Cowboy: "Are you sure 2 arrows are all you need?"

Native america...

What time does a social justice warrior get up in the morning?

It's hard to say, she's already woke.

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How do you turn a pussy into a fearless warrior?

Give him a keyboard

What do you call a wandering warrior who never gets angry.

A nomad.

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides

The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is humbler, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.

The kingdoms eventually go to war over control of the lake, as it's a valuable r...

Where do Viking warrior scrabble champions go when they die?

Vowel-halla

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I've been reading a very brief book on the history of Japanese warrior traditions.

It been heavily Samuraised.

We've never seen an actual ninja win American Ninja Warrior.

But that doesn't mean it hasn't happened.

A backseat driver, armchair psychologist and a keyboard warrior walks into a bar...

...and for some unknown reason, they end up sitting right next to one another. Conversations ensue, and so do the braggings. The backseat driver says, "I trolled a guy so hard once, he ended up driving around in circles all around his own home!" Not to be outcast, the armchair psychologist says, "I ...

How many social justice warriors does it take to change a light bulb?

Just kidding, social justice warriors can't change anything.

I have an irrational fear of warrior princesses from different places.

You could say I'm xenaphobic

Why is everyone a social justice warrior ?

Couldn't they pick another class ? Like social justice mage or social justice hunter ?

What’s the opposite of Social Justice Warrior?

A Status Quosader

Two Cherokee warriors were walking through the forest

First one sees smoke clouds in the distance so he asks the second:

\- What does that say?

Second one replies:

\- Don't worry about it, it's just SPAM.

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I never understood how Ty Lee joined the Kyoshi warriors at the end of Avatar.

That's like if the United States hired Nazi rocket scientists to work on our space program after WW2 ended.

What do you call it when the medieval warrior's horse has a bad dream?

A knightmare.

You're a Savage Warrior. You're a barbarian. You come from a city in Iran. You're a Barbar Barbarian.

You're known for hanging around your favorite drinking establishment. You're a Barbar bar barbarian.

You get exiled. You're a barred Barbar bar barbarian.

You get a job cutting hair. You're a barred Barbar bar barbarian barber.

You are the exclusive hairstylist of a popular chil...

Social Justice Warriors Favorite Sandwich:

Lettuce, Guacamole, Bacon and Tomato

Why are Social Justice Activists always warriors?

Because they don't have a high enough intelligence to be Social Justice Mages.

Benny the Viking

Benny was your typical Viking. Strong, tall and courageous, he was the ideal viking in every way, except for one.

See, Benny couldn’t grow a beard. For all his 30 winters on Earth, he still had just as smooth a face as the day he was born.

This bothered Benny, because when he was out p...

How do you communicate with the spirit of a Viking warrior?

With a Nor-Ouija board.

As a social justice warrior, you all offend me. I am going to cancel each and every one of you.

Starting with your netflix account.

An airplane was about to crash..

There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.
The 1st passenger said “I am Stephen Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me, and I can’t afford to die.” So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said...

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What do you call a fashionable Japanese warrior?

Glamurai

At first the Roman warrior felt remorse for devouring his wife, but in the end...

He was Gladiator.

Three samurai warriors where discussing who was the master of the sword...

As the debate heated up a fly is flying around the room.

The first samurai quickly draws his sword and chops it in two, the other two are not impressed. Another fly enters the room. The second samurai even faster than the first swing his sword and chops the wings off and the fly continues on....

Two social justice warriors walk into a fence store...

Both took a fence

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I like my sex like my pirate warrior games .

Over in 2 minutes

What happened when my dad forgot his glasses to the Warriors game?

Steph Blurry

It really scares me to watch Xena Warrior Princess...

I must be a Xenaphobe.

In ancient times, an mighty warrior of the Germanic tribes cut a swathe through the Roman Legions.

His name was Dolf, but he was more commonly called by another name, whispered by mothers to their children as a warning - "The Red", owing to the spatters of Roman blood that covered his wolfskin armour after battles.

It was a week before Christmas night that Dolf strode into a small inn, own...

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Why do Chinese warriors die so easily in battle?

No matter how much protective garments they wear, there's still a chink in the armor.

Social justice warriors love Captain Marvel because she's a powerful woman...

...but hate her because she's Binary.

I'm opening a floating restaurant on a houseboat where we sell ice cream tacos, and our mascot is a gorilla dressed like an ancient Mongolian warrior.

I call it "Attila Gorilla's Vanilla Tortilla Flotilla"

The Golden State Warriors will be playing in an empty arena tonight, due to Coronavirus.

And the Los Angeles Chargers have already announced that, next season, they will continue to play in an empty stadium.

Do you know why Turkeys make good warriors?

Because they ain't no chicken.

I think Trojan is a bad name for a condom brand...

...because of course, the Trojans were a people whose lives were ruined when a vessel containing little warriors unexpectedly exploded inside their city walls...

I knew a person who was against warrior princesses

He was a Xenaphobe

What did the armless warrior say to his opponent before battle?

You're about to meet da-feet!

What do you call a Roman warrior with hair in his mouth?

Gladiator

Get it? Glad He Ate Her..

I caught a bunch of social justice warriors in my yard digging up large wooden stakes

They said the posts had to be removed before they caused a fence.

The Golden State Warriors just suffered the second biggest sports collapse to date...

First probably has to go to Notre Dame.

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Odin and Thor were walking through a canyon with a large group of warriors when Odin stopped Thor and signaled him to be quiet and listen.

After a moment, Odin shouted into the wilderness, “IS THAT YOU, VAL?”

Thor stood waiting and listenin, then whispered, “All-Father, I didn’t hear anything.”

Odin replied, “I thought I heard Val holla.”

Thor listened again. “What did Val say?”

Odin replied, “It was just...

A paladin and a warrior go into a mage's electronics store to buy computers.

The paladin asks for a Dell computer. The mage directs him to aisle five. The warrior asks for a Hewlett-Packard. The mage says "I'm all out of HP." The mage dies.

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The Golden State Warriors flew to Jamaica to play an exhibition game against a local team.

The Warriors kept on losing the ball and missing easy shots. Kerr, the Warriors' coach was furious, but the players said that the balls were too small, and kept slipping out of their hands.



By the end of the half, they were down by 20 points, with Steph Curry, the Warriors' captain...

A Warrior Cuts off the head of a Hydra formed by fusing 8 mythical beast,

and 2 heads Grows in it place,

he cuts those off and 4 grows,

he cuts those off and 8 grows,

he cuts those off and 16 grows,

he cuts those off and 32 grows,

he cuts those off and 64 grows,

he cuts those off and 128 grows,

he cuts those off and the Hyd...

I wanted to change my Reddit password from Warriors into Cavs.

But Reddit said Too weak

My favorite holiday song is the one about the medieval warriors. One of them doesn't talk and the other's armor is falling apart.

Silent Knight, Holey Knight.

TIL Ethiopian warriors conquered part of Central Europe in the 1300s

That's why they call it Hungary.

Don't let the Golden State Warriors blowing a 3 - 1 lead in the NBA finals..

..distract you from the fact that the British blew a 13 colony lead in 1776

"I will avenge my brother!"

Archer: "You have my bow"

Warrior: "And my blade"

Necromancer: "And your brother"

(Possibly a repost, can't remember where I heard this one)

Why are people in I.T. the worst kind of social justice warriors?

They are always asking you to check your privilege.

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The emperor of Persia wanted the best bodyguard in the world.

So he sent messengers throughout all the lands on the globe encouraging the nations to send their best warriors to come to his palace and compete for this prestigious title. After weeks of intense competition, the candidate pool was reduced to the last three competitors. Each had earned the honor o...

After watching social justice warrior's behaviour on YouTube. TIL: the old saying is true...

War doesn't determine who's on the right, only who's on the left.

On Kashyyyk, Chewbacca's homeworld, would amateur junior-level warriors be called Rookie Wookies?

:)

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The once was a king with the most beautiful princess in the land…

To find her a prince the king set 3 challenge to find the best man in the land.

The first challenge was to fight his 2 strongest warriors to the death.

The second challenge was to pull a tooth from a gorilla with a toothache.

While the last challenge was to give a woman an orgas...

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There was an indian chief who was constipated...

...he sent one of his warriors to the witch doctor to get some medicine. The warrior goes to the doctor and says "Big Chief, no shit". The doctor gave him one pill and told him "the chief should be fine tomorrow"

The warrior went back to the chief and gave him the pill. The next morning the ...

There was once a land, far away, and many years ago, that had three kingdoms around a triangular lake.

There was once a land far away and many years ago that had three kingdoms around a triangular lake. They often warred and casualties were fierce. So they agreed to hold a tournament of all their champions on an island in the middle of the lake. The first being rich and influential sent twenty Knight...

What do you call a soldier that has survived both mustard gas and pepper spray?

A seasoned warrior

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Two friends Bob and Frank are lost in the jungle when they run into a group of blood thirsty cannibals.

They are surrounded by dozens of the fierce blood thirsty warriors armed with clubs and spears. The leader of the warriors approaches the two friends and informs them they are trespassing on sacred land and unless they can prove they are descendants of the Gods they will be killed and eaten.

...

How many Klingons does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Three. One to change the bulb and two to chastise them for performing such a menial task as a member of a proud warrior race.

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Books Never Written

Hey guys, don't know if you're familiar with these kind of jokes, but they were my favorite growing up, so I thought I'd post a bunch of the here. They're pretty corny, but I hope you enjoy!

*Take A Breather* by Justin Hale

*How to Become Famous* by Anonymous

*Living Long* by Di...

An Native American chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant

The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated that he built her a teepee made of deer hide.

A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide.

The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief ...

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A man takes up Kung Fu, and ascends high to a mountain temple to train...

On his first day he tours the grounds with his master to witness the many fighting styles. Along the way he sees a warrior with no arms, and he asks his master "How can that man learn kung fu with no arms?"

"Don't you see?" Says the master. "Without arms he need learn no punches. Therefore hi...

In Medieval Europe, there once was a triangular lake.

This triangular lake was quite large; so large, in fact, that three separate kingdoms were built on each side of this lake. These kingdoms were very different one from another.
The first kingdom was the richest - smooth stone walls built like a fortress, lavish houses for all, and a generous king...

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A lich walks into a tavern

The whole place fell silent. The customers have heard tales of their existence, but most have never seen a lich before. The lich plops himself down at the bar counter, a few seats away from a human warrior and his busty mage companion. They exchanged looks.

"Whoa," the mage whispered. "It's a...

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German language is easy.

The German language is relatively easy. Those who can speak Latin and are used to declinations, normally learn it very rapidly. At least that is what German teachers say in their first class. They start learning: der, die, das, des, dem, den and the rest just comes naturally. It's amazingly easy! If...

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MacGregor

A young man was drinking in a bar when he noticed an older gentleman sitting alone and clearly deep in thought. He asked the man, “Sir, with all your years of experience, what wisdom can you give me?”

The man replied, “Always do that which you would want to be remembered for.”

“I’m not...

Jewish mother goes to the airport

to meet her daughter, who was returning from a summer abroad. The daughter gets off the plane hand-in-hand with a 7' tall Zulu warrior, with a bone through his hair and nose.

The mother yells at her "I said a *rich* doctor!"

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A Roman army was making it's way through Scotland... [long]

Their march was interrupted by a frenzied shouting in the distance. The general ordered his men to stop and directed his attention towards the source of the noise. A single highland warrior was standing alone at the top of a small hill, yelling at the oncoming army.

"Come ahead ya big Jessies...

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A fierce jungle tribe always built their houses in the trees

The wood made the floors and the supports, but the houses themselves were made out of thatched grass. The tribe honored those who built the best grass houses.

One day the tribe went to war with a nearby tribe. The warriors fought well and they sacked the tribe's village, taking the rival tr...

Look! Magic!

One day, an explorer was captured by native warriors and taken to their chieftain, a gigantic man with teeth filed to dagger-like points. Desperately, the explorer tried to think of a way to save him self. He pulled out his cigarette lighter, held it in front of the chief's face and lit it, exclaimi...

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