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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the li...

Three men are outside of Heavens gate waiting to get in.

Three men are outside Heaven’s gates waiting to be go to through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them “Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven”.

The first guy says “I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3...

Guy dies during operation and goes to heaven

So this guy has surgery and he dies. He was supposed to survive the surgery. So when he goes to heaven Saint Peter says it was a total mistake we're going to send you back but God wanted to talk to you first. So he goes to God and God's talking to him and says how is a mistake. And God says to make ...

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3 men appear at the heavens gate. Next to them an angel appears and starts asking them how they got there

The first one starts telling: “I came home early from a day of work. When I suddenly hear my wife scream upstairs. I rush upstairs and see her laying in bed very frightened.I was going to confront her later but first I needed to catch the bastard. I also see the window open and rush to it only to se...

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A man is flying a plane over the Amazon, when he suddenly crashes….

But he’s ok, don’t worry. He’s staggering through the jungle when he suddenly realizes he’s surrounded by bloodthirsty savages. And he thinks, “Man, I am totally fucked.”

“No”, a voice booms out from the heavens, “You’re not fucked.”

The voice continues, “Listen to me very carefully. G...

On the first day God created the heavens, the earth and the Conservative

Conservative looked around and said "eh, I liked it better yesterday!"

Being taken to heaven

Sunday school teacher asks her class "when a person dies, what part of you does God take to heaven? " hands go up and she calls on a young girl in the front.



The girl says "I think God takes your hands first because when we pray we put our hands together."



"What a good ...

One day when Jesus was relaxing in Heaven, He happened to notice a familiar-looking old man.

Wondering if the old man was His father Joseph, Jesus asked him, "Did you, by any chance, ever have a son?"

"Yes," said the old man, "but he wasn't my biological son. He was born by a miracle, by the intervention of a magical being from the heavens."

"Very interesting," said Jesus. "Di...

No running in heaven

So a man died and went to heaven. When he got to the gates Saint Peter was waiting for him.
He told him :
You were a very good person in your lifetime so as a price you can go to the farm next to the gate and pick any car you want so you can drive inside heaven.

The man goes and starts ...

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I was desperate and I couldn't get a date with a girl to save my life until...

I swiped right on a blind date, a profile picture. She asked me to pick her up, so i did, but I wasn't expecting much. I went up to the door expecting 400 lbs of desperation, but she answer the door 5 foot 2 with baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde curls and all the right curves in all the right place...

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Little Johnny and the moral lesson

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Kathy said, "My father’s a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taki...

My girlfriend came up with this one and wanted me to share with you guys. What do you call heavens toilet?

Halle-LOO-yah

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Prince Philip meets Diana in heaven

So Prince Philip enters the pearly gates and one of the first people he sees is Diana - whom he notoriously didn't like.

"Hello my dear, what a lovely halo you have," he says.

"Fuck off Philip, you know it's a steering wheel."

So the Pope arrives at heavens gate

St. Peter awaits him. St. Peter asks who he is.

The Pope: "I am the pope."

St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book."

The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth."

St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me ..."

The Pope: "But I am t...

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