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Almighty Jokes

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Two 9/11 conspiracy theorists are in a plane when it crashes

An instant later they find themselves in the afterlife, being judged by Almighty God Himself.

One falls to his knees, "I deplore you, all-powerful Creator of the universe! Before you judge me, I humbly beg you, reveal who was behind the September 11 attacks!"

God sighs. "Muslim extremi...

Religion

I went to an Inter-Religion Integration Seminar.

The Bishop came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of Jesus Christ, you will walk today!”

I smiled and told him I was not paralysed.

The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of God Almighty,...

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Man in ecstasy...

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth, back and forth...in and out...in and out.

It was going on 20 minutes at this point...

Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moa...

An Easter joke.

A priest was arguing with a rabbi.

"What is great in our religion", says the priest, "is that there is room for advancement. A humble village priest can become a bishop, an archbishop, a cardinal, who knows?, maybe even the Pope!"

The rabbi answers: "What about the Almighty? Can he bec...

And the Almighty said to John,

"Come forth and you shall receive eternal life."

But John came fifth and won a toaster!!!

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An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day.

"I got you a job. It's a one-liner."

"That's okay!" replies the actor, "I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything. What's the line?"

"Hark, I hear the cannons roar," says the agent.

"I love it!" says the actor. "When's the audition?"

"Wednesday," says the agent...

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Jenny was not the best student in Sunday School.

Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was having a nap:

"Tell me, Jenny, who created the universe?"

She didn't stir, so Mike, a boy in the chair behind her, quickly took a pencil

and jabbed her in the rear.

"GOD ALMIGHTY!"...

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Orion’s Belt doesn’t sound like it’s named after an almighty Greek God

More like it’s named after an Irish father’s punishment weapon of choice.
“You’d better behave young lad, or your arse is gonna meet O’Ryan’s belt!”

A group of monks have an encounter with the almighty while tending their flower garden.

The experience so transforms them that they decide to form a new order, with a monastery, dedicated to growing flowers as a form of worship. Two years into the venture they realize that they are running out of funds and decide to begin selling some of their flowers as a way to raise funds to support...

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An elderly woman's husband keeps falling asleep in church

An elderly lady's husband habitually falls asleep during the sermon, so she meets with the pastor one Saturday and tells him "Give me a wink every time you notice my husband falling asleep so I can poke him with a hat pin and wake him up." The pastor agrees.

The next day, sure enough, during...

"Our Lord has many names. The Almighty. The Messiah. The Alpha and the Omega. The Shepard. Howard."

What do you he doesn't go by "Howard"?! Do you not know "The Lord's Prayer":



*Our Father who art in Heaven*

*Howard be thy name*

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Rosy and Sunday school

Rosy goes to Sunday school every week, but falls asleep every class!

One day, to “inadvertently” call her out on it, the teacher calls on Rosy and asks this question:

“Who created the universe as we know it to be?”

At this point, to just have a laugh, Rosy’s friend, Adam, sittin...

Todd sat behind Claire in Sunday school

The teacher asked the class 'Who created the universe?'
Todd poked Claire with his pencil and she jumped up yelling 'GOD ALMIGHTY!'
'Correct Claire'
The class goes on for a few minutes and the teacher asks 'Now, can anyone tell me who died on the cross?'
Todd poked Claire again and she l...

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Two boys are in class during religious education.

The first boy gets so bored that he falls asleep. The teacher then asks the class, "who created the earth?"

The second boy pulls out a needle and jabs his friend in the arm. He wakes up, startled, and yells, "God Almighty!"

"Correct," says the teacher.

The boy eventually drifts ...

Smart blonde joke

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation. They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning – though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric cha...

The religious painter

Jock, the painter, often would thin his paint so it would go further. So when the Church decided to do some deferred maintenance, Jock was able to put in the low bid, and got the job. As always, he thinned his paint way down with turpentine.

One day while he was up on the scaffolding -- the j...

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There was a young couple very much in love...

There was a young couple very much in love. On the night before they were to be married, both were killed in an accident. They found themselves at the pearly gates of heaven being escorted in by St. Peter.
After a couple of weeks in heaven, the prospective groom took St. Peter aside and said, "S...

Keyboard demon

Greg is sitting at his computer browing his favouriye website and a demon pops out from behind his keyboard and proclaims "for I am the almighty keyboard demon! here to steal all your keys" Greg jumps back out of his seat like a shot!

Taking advantage of this, the demon grabs the keyboard an...

A Sunday school teacher asked her second graders……

if anyone knew another name for God. She was picturing answers like 'Lord' or 'Almighty'.
After a long moment of silence a little boy raised his hand and said, "Howard." “
Howard?" replied the confused teacher. “

You know," continued the boy, "Howard be thy name."

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A black man is lost in the desert and is about to die.

Suddenly, he sees a shiny object in the sand. He gets close, and realizes that it’s a magic lamp!

He rubs the lamp and a genie appears.

“I’m an almighty genie” he says.
“I shall grant you any three wishes”

The man thinks about it for a while, then he says:
“I want to be wh...

The fishing was a bit quiet.

An old timer poured some overproof rum into my bait bucket.

"Get rid of the hook and tie the smallest of those prawns on and cast it out," he said.

Reluctantly, I took his advice. Sure enough, there was an almighty swirl in the water, and I pulled in a huge fish. The prawn was holding ...

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Three old ladies

Three old ladies had just passed away and stood outside the gates to heaven speaking to the Almighty One. He looked at the three of them sternly and said: "If you're gonna be here, you should know that we only have one single rule here in heaven, but that one rule is extremely strict! You may NEVER,...

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A man is late for work, and desperately tries to find a parking space...

His boss has already told him before that if he is late one more time, he'll be fired on the spot.

The man is circling around the parking lot, but still all the spaces are completely full.

Suddenly, the man stops his car, puts his hands together and looks towards the sky.

"Dear ...

Saint Peter went running up to God expressing concern that a large group of Russians are waiting outside the pearly gates.

*Saint Peter went running up to God expressing concern that a large group of Russians are waiting outside the pearly gates.*
'We're full right now tell them to go away!' shouts the almighty one.
A short while later St Peter returns shouting 'They've gone'
God cries 'What all 150,000 o...

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A nun, a hot blonde, a German and a Frenchman are sitting in a train compartment.

They don‘t know each other and are minding their own business. The train drives into a tunnel and it gets so dark in the compartment that you could not see your own hand in front of your eyes.

Suddenly a violently loud slapping noise rips into the silence. When the train leaves the tunnel ev...

The Zebras stripes (long Joke)

Once upon a time a zebra was contemplating his life and everything that had meaning, when all of a sudden he had a thought "Am I a white zebra with black stripes, or a black zebra with white stripes"
He pondering on this for a while when he decided to go ask the lion.

After a short time of...

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Jane and Tarzan

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he managed for sex.

"What's that?" he asked.

She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree."

Horrif...

Going to church in Chicago

When I heard Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson were guest preachers at a nearby church, I decided to go there and check them out in person.

As soon as I sat down, Reverend Sharpton came over to me. I don't know why, maybe it was because I was the only white person in the church?

He laid hi...

The Pope and an Athiest discuss God

The Pope and an atheist decided to debate the existence of God. At first the debate was reasonable and reasoned, but after some time it became more and more heated; until finally the Pope snapped at the Atheist:

"How can you deny the existence of the Almighty when you can see the mystereies ...

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Four people in a carriage

4 people in the carriage of a train - an Englishman, a pretty young
blonde girl, an ugly old woman and a Frenchman.

It all goes dark when the train goes through a tunnel. In the dark
there's the sound of an almighty slap, and when the train emerges from
the tunnel the Frenchman i...

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A priest and a pretty nun ride the bus home….

The priest approaches the nun and says “excuse me sister of the cloth, I don’t suppose you would give me a blowjob?”

Shocked, the nun replies “father, I cannot, I am devoted to god and my body belongs to him and him alone”

She hurries off the bus in disgust.

The bus arrives at t...

A Rabbi is Traveling.

On his way, he stops through the town of Trid. As he walks through the town, he notices how empty it is. All the windows are shuttered and the doors are bolted shut. Eventually, he makes it to the center of town, where he finds a man hurrying through the streets.

“Excuse me, sir!” the rabbi c...

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Italy, year VI of the Fascist Era.

A very very poor farmer is desperate. He doesn't have food, money or clothes for his children. He's so desperate that he decides to write a letter to God, asking for 500 lire (Italian money).

So he takes a pen and some paper, writes the request, and encloses it in an envelope. Now he has to ...

A priest and a nun are playing miniature golf.

The priest lines up a ten-footer, hits the ball, and it swerves right of the hole. He yells, “Dammit, I missed!

”The nun recoils in shock. “Father, language!”

“I’m sorry, Sister Margaret, please forgive my cursing.”

They get to the second hole. The priest is only 3 feet away fro...

A priest sees God

After being initially overwhelmed, the priest tries to talk to God to finally resolve some theological and philosophical conundrums:
He asks God: Almighty, how do you experience physical space?
God strokes his beard and says: physical space means nothing to me, billions of your miles are but a...

What do you call an evergreen with temporary godlike powers?

Spruce Almighty

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Lenin headed directly to Heaven after he died.

He thought he had done much good for the oppressed and deserved retirement in Heaven. He arrived at the gates.

"Who's there?"

"Vladimir Ilyich Lenin."

"Okay, okay! Last one in be sure to close the door. It's kind of cold in here..."

God checked Lenin's dossier and decided...

I had to go to my Grandmother's funeral yesterday...

...just as the graveside service had ended, there was an almighty rumble of thunder, followed by a bolt of lightning.

My Grandfather turned to the Priest and said, "well, she's there and now it's His problem!"

A burglar is searching for valuables in a house whose residents left for the night when he hears a voice behind him

The voice says: "God the mighty sees all".

Shocked the burglar turns around and searches for the cause of this noise. Using his flashlight he finally finds a parrot sitting in a cage grooming his feather.

The burglar is relieved and continues his search for valuables. He opens a night...

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The cheapskate painter

A painter named Jack always tried to save a buck whenever he could, so he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. He somehow managed to get away with this for some time.

One day, the local church decided to do a big restoration project. Jack put in a painting bid a...

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Four nuns are summoned by the head priest for committing sins

Priest to the first nun: alright, sister, what was your sin?

First nun: I saw a man's penis today

Priest: hmmm... well these things can happen by mistake, but it is a sin nonetheless! Go wash your eyes in the holy water.

The first nun does so and some giggling can be heard from ...

Alice had fallen asleep in class when the teacher had called on her to answer a question

The teacher had asked the class "who created the world" she called on Alice who happened to be asleep. John who sat behind her poked her with a pencil to wake her up, she said loudly "Jesus Christ". "Very good" said the teacher

Class continued and the teacher asked another question "who made ...

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First-time sex

Two hill farmers in the west of Ireland were walking home one evening, when Pat stops. "ye see that rock there Tom"? "" I do says Tom". "Well says Pat, "that's where I first, ya know, buried the baldy lad, got the ride, had sex that you call it, he spluttered." "jasus christ almighty" says Tom "that...

The Captain's red shirt

Bored of living in poverty in the late 1700's, Finn decides he wants a slice of the pie in the high stakes world of pirates. He knows pirates dock down in the bay by his village, so once he spots them, he manages to sneak aboard one of the ships. He eventually gets discovered, and rather than throw ...

Johnny and Sarah are in Sunday School ...

Johnny and Sarah are sitting in Sunday school class when Sarah begins to fall asleep. The teacher notices this and decides to embarrass Sarah by asking her a question. The teacher asks, "Sarah, who created the heavens and the earth?" Johnny decides to help Sarah out and wake her up, so he covertly t...

Adam is in the Garden of Eden...

Adam is in the Garden of Eden when he finds himself quite lonely.

He calls upon God, and asks him "Lord almighty, may you find me company here?"

God, in his infinite kindness, responds "Of course my child, I shall create a being to accompany you. The being will be beautiful, intelligen...

An old Jewish mother complains to her friend, "My son Joey converted to Christianity."

Her friend says, "My God, my Eddy also converted! What can we do about it?"



The first woman responds, "The only thing we can do is pray."



So, the two of them head to the synagogue, where they sit down with prayer books and pour out their hearts to the Almighty. After a ...

Which Military Service Is the Best?

A Soldier, a Sailor, an Airman, and a Marine got into an argument about which branch of the service was The Best. The arguing became so heated the four servicemen failed to see an oncoming truck as they crossed the street. They were hit by the truck and killed instantly.

Soon, the four servic...

A rabbi, a priest and an imam decide to make a friendly bet.

The terms are $10,000 to the one that can convert a bear to their religion fastest.



The three drive out to a forest, and the priest decides he'll be the first to try. 6 hours later, he came out of the forest and told the other two to watch carefully as he hid behind a tree. Moments la...

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Little Johnny is falling asleep in class and little Susie is sitting behind him

The teacher noticed Johnny’s head down so she called on him to answer: “Johnny, who is our lord and savior?” Susie pokes him in the back with a pencil, making him jerk awake and scream “JESUS CHRIST!” The teacher was shocked but just said “very good Johnny” and he fell back asleep. Teacher notices t...

There's this newcomer to a small Southern town.

His first Sunday there, he walks into town, excited to praise the Lord in his new church with his new neighbors.

But glowering faces step out from the darkness behind the open doors before he even makes it up the stairs. The congregation tells him he has to go to "his" church, which is on the...

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go camping...

They build up their tents and after a good meal and a bottle of the finest wine they lay down and go to sleep.

A few hours later, Holmes wakes up his good friend and says, "Watson, my dear friend, look up and tell me what you see." Watson then replies "I see millions and millions of stars" an...

Trump, Putin the Pope and Kim Jong-Un travelling by the sam airplane

The plane's engines are sudenly stopped, and they starts to falling. They have only three parachutes. The first one is grabbed by Trump and he sais: "I'm the most important person on Earth, I have to survive" and he jumps. The other one is grabbed by Kim Jong-Un and he sais: "I'm the mastermind, I'm...

Wedding

The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals - a carpenter, an electrician and a dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.

The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two.

The electrician decided to wire ...

A priest, a thief, and an engineer were all waiting in line to be executed by guillotine during the French revolution.

The priest was to be the first to meet his fate. As he stepped onto the platform the executioner asked him "Father, would you like to meet your maker face up or face down?"

After thinking about it for a moment, the priest answered "My son, if today is to be my last day, then I wish to go face...

Nicola Sturgeon is visiting a hospital

And as she walks into one of the wards, a patient hails her with "Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face, Great chieftain o the puddin'-race!".

As she is blinking in surprise, another patient adds "Wee, sleekit, cowerin', timorous beastie, O what a panic's in thy breastie!"

And not to ...

A farmer walked into a hardware store

and while purchasing some tools was asked by the proprietor if he would like to buy a bicycle.
“You won’t have to keep a bicycle fed,” said the storekeep, “and you can ride around your farm on it. They’re getting cheaper now, and I can let you have one for 35 dollars.”
“I’d rather put the 35 d...

How Scotland was created...

At the beginning of time God was discussing the creation of the world with the angel Gabriel. Leaning back in his golden throne, he told him of his plans for Scotland.

"Gabriel," said god "I am going to give Scotland towering mountains and magnificent glens resplendent with purple Heather. Re...

Jesus, Chuck Norris, and the Pope go for a walk...

They come up to a wide and deep river with no bridge nor a boat. Jesus and Chuck simply walk over the water. The Pope goes and sinks to his ankles.

"Oh Lord almighty help me!"

Jesus says: "Just believe and you will be able to walk on water!"

He continues and sinks to his knees.<...

The next generation of the Nigerian email scam is here :P

Hello My Dear


Calvary Greetings in the name of the ALMIGHTY


I am Mrs Monica Gorgia from Switzerland I am married to Mr Joseph Gorgia who is a wealthy business man here in Burkina Faso. we are devoted christian.
We own a papermill in Nigeria where we currently have ...

A zebra dies and goes to heaven.... (slightly racist?)

The zebra gets to heaven and meets God. He asks him, "Almighty, i've always wanted to know - am I black with white stripes? Or am I white with black stripes?" God ponders it over for a moment and simply responds... "Well, you are what you are." The zebra is a bit frustrated hearing this and says "Th...

The creation of the woman.

When Adam roamed the garden of Eden, he saw how happy all the pairs of animals were, and he craved a partner. He prayed all day and all night, and in the end god answered his pleads and replied.

"Adam, what are you praying for?"

"Oh almighty god! I have seen the bliss of the animals of...

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God comes down to the Garden of Eden bearing gifts for Adam and Eve.

He says "I have two gifts. First, the ability to write your name in the snow with your pee"

Adam leaps foreward excitedly shouting "Ooh me! Me me me!" And snatches the gift from The Lord's hands

The Almighty sighs and says to Eve "well I guess that leaves you with multiple orgasms."

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Nomad and the camel

A nomad was walking in the desert all alone and very horny. As he was wandering aimlessly in the desert he saw a camel and decided to fuck it, he immediately rushed to the camel and right before he was going to fuck it, the camel fled. He chased down the animal and caught it again and right before h...

Zebra dies and goes to heaven.

When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter greets him and informs him that all newcomers to heaven are allowed a single question to ask of The Almighty.

Pete gestures to a magnificent pedestal nearby and says to Zebra, "just step up there and ask away."

Zebra walks over to the pede...

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I wrote this one a few years ago

A priest, Father John Mclanahan is walking down the street when he bumps into an old friend, Rabbi John Goldman. They haven’t seen each other since college. They happen to be heading to the same part of town, so they decide to walk together and catch up on old times. They reminisce about their frien...

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Sunday School Suzy

There was once a girl named Suzy. She went to Sunday school at her local church every week. Her parents were lenient so she slept through most of the days. One day while Suzy was asleep she was called on by the teacher. The teacher asked “Suzy, what is the name of our lord and saviour?”. Suzy didn’t...

The Religion Exam

A class of 30 students 10 year old students were set a Religion exam. One boy had not revised and decided the best course of action was to ask the girl next to him.

The boy poke the girl with his pencil to get her attention and whispers “What was the name of Christian Lord?”

The girl ...

Moses,Jesus and a bearded man go golfing one day...

Moses tees off and gives the ball an almighty whack. The ball flies through the air, spins and falls towards a water hazard. Just as the ball is landing, Moses parts the waters and the ball rolls onto the green.

Jesus goes next. He hits the ball straight towards the water again, but just befo...

A man just bought a religious horse...

A man was searching for the fastest and noblest steed. Finally, after much searching, he finally found a horse he was satisfied with. Its mane was silky, its coat was glossy, and it was the finest stallion that the man has ever laid his eyes upon.

While paying for the stallion, the seller rem...

Paddy the Englishman, Paddy the Irishman and Paddy the Scotsman are arguing in a pub

Paddy the Englishman, Paddy the Irishman and Paddy the Scotsman are arguing in a pub over who comes from the most respectable family.
Paddy the Englishman starts 'My uncle is a Bishop and when he walks down the street people address him as Your Grace'.
Paddy the Scotsman replies 'That's nothin...

Barack, Hillary and Donald are standing in front of the throne of heaven...

Almighty God looks at them and says, “Before granting you a place at my side, I want to ask you what you have learned and what you believe in.”



God asks Barack first: “Son, What do you believe in?”



Obama thinks long and hard, looks God straight in the eye, and says, “I ...

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