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Paradise Jokes

What nationality were Adam and Eve?

Soviet, of course. Who else would walk around barefoot and naked, have one apple to share between them, and think they were in Paradise?

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Mohammad Atta opens his eyes a second after flying his plane into the WTC

He finds himself inside a chamber, filled with a large group of angry men wearing wigs and weird costumes.

“Who, who are you?” He asked in great confusion.

A tall man strode forward and smacked his hand across his face with a vicious back hand. “I’m George Washington. This here are my...

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A Muslim martyrs himself and upon death he arrives in Paradise to find his 72 virgins.

To his disappointment it was 72 average Reddit users.

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The key to paradise

Son: dad, what does mum have between her legs.

Dad: paradise

Son: what do you have between your legs.

Dad: the key to paradise

Son: maybe you should change the locks.

Dad: what? Why do you say that?

Son: because the neighbour has a 2nd key to it.

What’s the motto of an ice cream shop in paradise?

Heaven ice day

A Christian, a Muslim, and a Witch all die and go to the afterlife.

A Christian, a Muslim, and a Witch of the Norse gods all die and go to the afterlife.

They find that, waiting for them at the entrance to the afterlife is Anubis, waiting with a set of scales, with a feather on one side.

Above Anubis is a sign, "You wait with your heart, if less than f...

God walks through his paradise, and sees Adam

"Hello Adam, how is your day?" says God

"It's a good day God!"

"So where is Eve?"

"Oh, Eve is washing her crotch in the river"

"Oh No!" says God, "I'll never get that smell out of my fishes!"

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Four nuns have just died

They are waiting to talk to Saint Peter outside the gates of Heaven.

Saint Peter: “Sisters, confess your sins and you may enter paradise.”

Nun #1: “Saint Peter, forgive me, in my life I once gazed lustfully at a man’s penis.”

St Pete: “Sister, rinse your eyes with this Holy Wat...

A Briton, a Frenchman, and a Russian are standing and staring at a portrait of Adam and Eve...

"Look at their calm, their reserve" says the Briton. "Surely they must be British!"

"Nonsense!" Replies the Frenchman. "They are beautiful. Surely they must be French!"

The Russian finally speaks, "they have no clothes, no shelter, only an apple to eat, and are being told this is parad...

A bus full of ugly people crashes

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the w...

Contrary to popular belief, it wasn’t the apple on the tree that got us banished from Paradise.

It was the pair on the ground!

I call my work paradise

Bc every day is a gamble

Adam was returning home late one night at paradise after drinking with the dodo and the unicorn.

Eve got angry and yelled at him: "YOU ARE SEEING ANOTHER WOMAN!"
Adam responded: "Don't be silly, you are the only woman on earth", and went to sleep.
Later that night Adam woke up, feeling a tickle in his chest and saw it was Eve.

"What the heck are you doing?" he asked
"I'm count...

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An old Jewish man is leaving the Soviet Union

An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel. When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin.

Customs: What is that?

Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That...

Libertarian Paradise...

People often criticize a libertarian paradise saying that the homeless people would just be left to die in the gutter. This is of course complete bull. The gutter would be private property and the homeless will need to find somewhere else to die.

Top Biblical experts have reached the conclusion that Adam and Eve were Soviet citizens

They had no clothes, one apple between the two of them and they thought they were in paradise.

Hawaii is a veritable island paradise for someone studying Spock's culture

It's a Vulcanology hot spot

(I land chains of jokes like this one, occasionally)

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Three men are standing at the pearly gates...

Three men die and are standing at the pearly gates in front of St. Peter. St. Peter tells them, "To gain entry into heaven, you must tell me how you died."

The first man steps forward and says "Well, I got off work early today, and came home to my 10th floor apartment. Walked in, and found ...

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Muslim terrorists commit suicide to go to Paradise and get 72 virgins

I just go to the local primary school

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Paradise

A little boy asked his dad what’s in between mums legs and he says “It’s paradise my boy.”
“Ok what’s in between your legs” and he says “It’s the key to paradise.”
And the boy goes “Well you better get that lock changed because that prick next door has a spare key.”

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Paradise

A little boy asked his Dad: What’s between mom’s legs? The father answers: Paradise, my son. The kid asks again: What’s between your legs? The father replies: The key to the paradise. The son says: Piece of advice Dad, change the lock, the neighbour has a duplicate key.

Coolio died today. He was shocked when he got to the Pearly Gates and realized

It was indeed an Amish paradise.

lf Adam & Eve were Chinese we would have been in paradise

Because they would have ignored the apple and eaten the snake

Four dice walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "Welcome to Paradise!"

A Brit, A Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the garden of Eden

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit."They must be British"

They pondered this possibility but the Frenchman and the Russians soon shake their heads in disagreement.

"Nonsense," says the Frenchman. "They're naked and so beautiful, clearly they are French". The Brit and ...

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Lenin headed directly to Paradise after he died

He thought he had done a lot of good for the oppressed, so he deserved retirement in Paradise. He knocked on Heaven's door: "Knock, knock!" God shouted from his cosmically gigantic and perfectly spherical office: "Who's there?" "Vladimir Ilyich Lenin." "Okay, okay! The last one in be sure to close t...

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An Islamic terrorist blows himself up and ascends to paradise.

When he gets there he's greeted by Allah and an elderly lady who immediately wraps her frail arms round the terrorist, removes her false teeth and gives him a huge sloppy kiss.

Confused, the terrorist says, "Allah, I'm sorry to question your benevolence, but I thought there would be 72 virgi...

My wife asked me to name Meatloaf’s top 3 songs… I named “Paradise by the Dashboard Light” and “I’d do anything for love”… but then couldn’t come up with another one.

But hey, two out of three ain’t bad.

A calligrapher died peacefully in his sleep.

He soon woke up in a land of paradise. He spent the next few days exploring. Heaven was exactly as he imagined—pristine rolling hills, golden castles upon cloud tops, reunions with lost loved ones, and endless opportunities to explore one's hobbies. He had access to the finest selection of inks and ...

Just How Smart Was Einstein?

This is a TRUE STORY but hopefully you will find some humor in it.

Back in the early 70s, when I was a college student, I took care of the yard of a lonely widower, named Arthur, who occasionally asked me to join him for a game of chess. He resided in Paradise Valley, AZ. During WWII, Arth...

My wife asked if I will ever stop quoting Gangsta's Paradise

The way things are going I don't know

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Accountants Paradise: The Theme song for "The Accountant" Starring Ben Affleck.

Accountants Paradise:

As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I take a look at your finances and draw a deep deep breath.

Cos I’ve been counting and adding for all so long that even my boss thinks that my mind has gone.

But I ain’t never crossed a debit that didn’...

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What Do You Call a Bearded Man Whose Idea of Paradise is 72 Virgins?

Richard Branson.

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A Muslim is about to commit suicide when a Catholic priest stops him

"What are you doing?!" Exclaims the priest

"There is nothing on this Earth for me." The Muslim says "I will commit suicide to go to paradise and get 72 virgins!"

The priest shakes his head

"Foolish Muslim, suicide is not the way!" He says

"Follow me, Ill take you to the ...

A nail company wants to expand their business...

The firm, a long-established family company called Wilson's Nails, has seen their revenue declining in recent years and decides to try an ad campaign to boost sales. They contact a highly regarded Madison Avenue ad agency to produce an ad for them; After a few weeks, the agency sits the owners and s...

Pearly Gates Pontiff

The Pope died and went to heaven, where he was greeted by St. Peter. “Welcome,” St. Peter said, “let me show you around.”

St. Peter showed the Pope the streets of gold, choirs of angels, and so many wonderful things. At last, they came to a verdant meadow with a quaint cottage overlooking a l...

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A jihadist was preparing himself for his mission, when suddenly he's facing the image of his dearly departed comrad

"Ahmad! How is paradise?"

"Abdul, don't go through with the mission, it is not the paradise we were promised!"

"How is that possible? How could that be? Did you get the 72 virgins?"

"Yes, and that's the problem, Abdul... think about what kind of women dies a virgin."

I went to a Coldplay concert once.

It was paradise.

Satan and St. Peter decided to hold a soccer game in paradise...

Satan and St. Peter decided to hold a soccer game in paradise. It was to be hell versus heaven.

When everything had been arranged, St. Peter said to Satan, "Look, I can't be dishonest with you. There is no way that your side can win. All soccer players are simple, pure people and when they di...

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A Catholic priest, a Buddhist monk, and an atheist walk into a restaurant

A Catholic priest, a Buddhist monk, and an atheist walk into a restaurant.

After they put in their orders, the three strike up a conversation about what they believe awaits them in the afterlife.

The priest says, "I try to live my life according to God's word, so that I may go to the g...

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A bus full of nuns drives off a cliff and they get killed...

They get to the pearly gates and St. Peter says to them “Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a question. ”

St. Peter turns to the first Nun and asks: “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” The s...

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A couples dies in a car crash on the way to their wedding...

...they both end up in front of God, who welcomes them in Paradise.
- "Hello my children, it's a terrible thing that such a tragedy happened to you, but now you will be in a blissful happiness here, and forever !"
- "Well, the man responds, we would really like to get married anyway...is i...

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Russian were arguing about the nationality of Adam and Eve.

‘They must have been English,’ declared the Englishman. Only a gentleman would share his first apple with a woman.’

‘They were undoubtedly French,’ said the Frenchman. ‘Who else could seduce a woman so easily?’

‘I think they were Russians,’ said the Russian. ‘After all, who else could ...

A Russian, a Frenchman and an Englishman argued about Adam's nationality.

A Russian, a Frenchman and an Englishman argued about Adam's nationality.

The Frenchman said, "Of course Adam was French. Look how passionately he made love to Eve!"

The Englishman said, "Of course Adam was British. Look how he gave his only apple to the lady, like a real gentleman."...

I had a vision of a disaster. I'm going to die in a car crash on the way home from holiday today, along with my friend and girlfriend. On the bright side, we all lived blessed lives and will be going to heaven. St. Peter, of course, still mans the gates, and gives us a warm welcome. There's ducks.

He explains that in heaven, we have limitless paradise and can do anything our hearts desire, but that there's only one rule we must obey. "You see, God made all creatures with love, but he kinda loves ducks the most. They're his absolute favorite creature."

We can tell. There's ducks *everyw...

An Easterner was riding with a rancher over a blistering and almost barren stretch of West Texas….

when a strange bird scurried in front of them.

Asked by the Easterner what the bird was, the rancher replied, "That's a bird of paradise."

The stranger from the East rode on in silence for a moment, then said, "Long way from home, isn't it?"

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One day Jesus is helping St. Peter at the Gates to Heaven...

One day Jesus is helping St. Peter at the Gates to Heaven when an old man approaches.

"What have you done to enter Paradise?" Jesus asks.

"Me?" replies the old man, "not much, I am just a simple carpenter but my son makes me worthy."

"Your son?" asks Jesus

"Yes, my son. H...

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An Estonian joke.

Little Johnny, wanting to know more about life, asks his father: "Daddy, what's between mommy's legs?"

"Paradise." his father answers.

Little Johnny's curiosity is only growing, so he asks again: "But then what's between your legs?"

"The key to paradise." his father answers.
...

Knock knock...

Knock knock...

Who's there?

Trump.

Trump who?

Hey guys! I just found the back door to Paradise!

A Frenchman, and Englishman, and a Soviet Russian are admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.

The Frenchman says, “They must be French, they’re naked and they’re eating fruit.”

The Englishman says, “Clearly, they’re English; observe how politely the women is offering fruit to the man.”

The Russian replies, “No, they are Russian communists, of course. They have no house, nothi...

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Bosnian joke for ya'

Judgment day comes and big hole in ground opens. And angels tell people to jump in it and they will be judged for their sins. First comes English guy, jumps in a hole, and in darkness he feels Jesus taking his hand "My son, tell me your sins" Jesus says. "I'm sorry Jesus, I was a sinner, I cursed yo...

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Sherlock Holmes died

Sherlock Holmes died, and went to heaven.

Apostle Peter stands at the gate and asks him:

\- Who are you?

\- I'm the best detective in the world.

\- Alright then go and find me Adam and Eve in paradise , because there are too many people, and I can't find them.
...

"Dad, what was the name of Adam's mother in law?"

"He didn't have a mother in law, son, because he lived in paradise"

The Master Chef

A master chef brags to another man that he has at long last created the perfect dish. A dish so delicious that no man alive could resist it culinary divinity.

The man asks how such a dish is possible.

The chef responds that the secret is his artfully crafted blend of herbs and spices t...

A man is speaking with Saint Peter at the gates of Heaven.

Saint Peter asks him if he has done any good deeds in his time on Earth to merit entry into paradise.

Thinking for a moment, he says, "I was once in a bar in Arizona. I noticed a beautiful woman sitting alone, but before I could introduce myself a bunch of Hell's Angels stormed in and starte...

So a New Yorker wishes to join the Taliban...

And they take him to their leader.

"Do you accept Allah as your God and Mohammad as your prophet?"

"Yes!"

"Will you jihad for the glory of God and his prophet?"

"Yes!"

"Do you believe that after you die, you will join your brethren in God's paradise where rivers of...

A bus full of ugly people drives off a cliff.

They all make it to Heaven. When they get there God makes them all form a single-file line before the pearly gates and explains to them that as you enter paradise, you can make one wish, so long as it's not to come back to life or anything that interferes with the world of the living.

The...

Two of us washed up on a desert island, the only survivors of a shipwreck.

"There's no animals here but there's plenty of fruit and plants" said the other bloke, "this is Paradise because I'm a vegan."

He laughed and said, "You'll have to become vegan too."

"No, I wont" I said, as I picked up a rock.

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Three Guys Die and Get to go to Heaven (long)

So they're waiting for God to get to and judge/reward them. God finishes with others and gets to them. Standing before them, he says, "Alright. You three get to go to heaven. Here's what's gonna happen. You think carefully and tell me what you would really love for the rest of eternity. I will set a...

What is the longest part of a woman's body?

Her legs. They go from the floor all the way to paradise.

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Expat moving to Canada.

August 12,
We moved into our new house in Canada. I'm so excited. It's so nice. The mountains are beautiful. I cannot wait to see them covered with the snow.

October 14,
Canada. It is the most beautiful country in the world. Leaves turned all colors and shades of yellow and orange. I dr...

Why is Yahtzee better than the Bahamas?

Because it's more than a paradise.

Two brothers, John, and Bob, who lived in America and were members of the communist party, decided to emigrate to the USSR.

Even though they didn't believe the American media's negative reports on the conditions in the USSR, they decided to exercise caution. John would go to Russia to test the waters. If they were right and it was a communist paradise, than John would write a letter to Bob using black ink. If, though, th...

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A Muslim suicide bomber walks into a crowd of infidels and blows himself up.

He is immediately transported to Paradise, where he finds himself surrounded by seventy-two of the ugliest women anyone has ever laid eyes upon. The suicide bomber is crestfallen.

"C'mon, think it through," Allah pats him sympathetically on the shoulder. "Why do you think they're still virg...

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Once there was a polar bear named Jerry.

Jerry hated living at the north pole and constantly bitched about it to the other polar bears.

“It’s too fucking cold here” he said. “The water is all frozen, there’s nothing to eat but penguins and I’m constantly covered in fucking snow”.

The other polar bears rolled their eyes and ...

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Three old ladies

Three old ladies had just passed away and stood outside the gates to heaven speaking to the Almighty One. He looked at the three of them sternly and said: "If you're gonna be here, you should know that we only have one single rule here in heaven, but that one rule is extremely strict! You may NEVER,...

A Buddhist, a Muslim, and a Christian all jump off from the top of a 100-floor building to prove their faith can save them.

The Buddhist jumps first. As he's falling, he chants "Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha." Sure enough, about halfway into falling down, he magically starts slowing down and he gently lands on the sidewalk. "Thank you, Buddha." he says with tears.

T...

Three women die and go to heaven

When they get to the pearly gates, St Peter greets them, saying "Welcome to Heaven, we hope you enjoy it here, and please don't tread on the ducks"

The women think this kind of odd but decide not to ask too many questions, and they go and start to settle in.

A couple of days pass and t...

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God gave Adam and Eve 2 rules...

First was to never eat the forbidden fruit. Second, Eve can never, under any circumstances, learn how to swim.

After a few weeks in paradise, watching Adam swim in the pristine ocean, Eve decides she'd had enough. She follows Adam into the surf, and as she reaches waste-deep water the sky da...

St. Peter conducts a census in heaven and realises someone is missing.

So he goes to the computer and realises that an engineer accidentally landed up in hell. He get’s on the phone to Old Nick.

St. Peter: So, Nick, we have an issue with this engineering guy Robert. He is supposed to be with us. Can you send him up?

Nick: Bob? No way. Not going to. Since...

Two gifts to Adam and Eve

When God was almost done creating Adam and Eve he said to them: "Alright I am almost done with you. I have two more gifts I can give you"

Adam and Eve go "what is it?"
God "the first one is the gift of peeing while standing upright..." Adam interrupts "Pick me me me!!! I want to pee standi...

Einstein, Picasso and George W. Bush stand before the Pearly Gates

Einstein, Picasso and Bush stand before the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter gets out to greet them and says: "I'll let you in, but first you have to prove that you are who you say you are."

Einstein: "That's easy. Could you give me a blackboard and some chalk, please?"

St. Peter snaps h...

A man stumbles across an old lamp while he was at his attorney's office

Figuring his luck has to change, he rubs the lamp and out pops a genie.
The genie explains to him that he gets three wishes, and whatever he wishes for, his wife gets double.
The man asks for his first wish.
"The first thing I want is a million dollars."
The genie says, "Okay, but you ...

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A man comes home very drunk late at night...

So this guy has been drinking with his buddies all night and he's as drunk as a skunk, gets home, falls up the stairs, undresses and goes to bed next to his wife. He falls asleep and next thing he knows, *bang*, he dies and finds himself waiting at the pearly gates.

The guy refuses to believe...

A bus full of ugly people is driving along a cliff

The bus driver makes a mistake as he eats a burger causing the bus to suddenly fall from the cliff killing all passengers aboard

The group of deformed men and women are woken in front of the pearly gates greeted by St Peter himself

"you lot have had a hard and unfortunate life and as t...

Three little old ladies die in a car crash...

When they get to heaven, St. Peter is waiting to welcome them.
"Welcome, ladies," says Peter. "We only have one rule up here, don't step on the ducks."
The three little old ladies look around and notice there are ducks everywhere, thousands of them.
"Why all the ducks?" asks the first li...

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This punker gets on a bus and takes a seat.

His hair’s all green, he’s got brightly colored tattoos covering his arms and piercings all over his face. Feathers hang from each earlobe. Across the aisle sits an old man who proceeds to stare at him for the next fifteen miles. Eventually the punker gets pretty unnerved and blurts out:

“He...

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Four nuns are killed in a car accident and find themselves outside the gates of heaven.

God greets them at the gates and informs them that as they have devoted their life to his service, they get an automatic pass into heaven.

He does require however, for them to confess if they have ever touched a man on the penis before they enter.

All of the nuns start giggling. God a...

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3 Guys in hell

This is the story of an engineer from intel, a guy from the pentagon, and a small skateboarder all three ended up in hell after signing a contract with the devil himself

so he says to them

\- I will give each of you a chance to go to paradise, but beware, no second chance, it's eith...

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Osama Bin Laden's afterlife...

After he was killed by Seal Team Six, Osama Bin Laden immediately found himself in a large room filled with fat middle aged men wearing strange costumes.

As he looked around he saw a gigantic sign that said "Welcome fellow Trekies."

Confused by his surroundings, Osama wanted to get out...

Welsh joke *long*

This was told to me 35 years ago by Boyd Clack (google him for his works)

Small welsh village and the local vicar has been told that his sermon this week needs to be about the doctrine of the Church of Wales as there had been lots of rumours about the village of ghost sightings.

"and m...

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I was riding my motorcycle down a serpentine in Switzerland

When I entered a small forest in the valley a deer showed up in the middle of the road, and in spite of all of my maneuvering I crashed in to it and flew into a ditch going along the road and passed out. When I woke up and climbed up back to the road i saw a beautiful old cabriolet with a hot brunet...

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A Bus Carrying Nuns to the Convent....

Goes over a cliff, killing all on board.

Being pious nuns, all are transported directly to the pearly gates where St. Peter, standing beside a font, is awaiting them.

He says to the nuns, "Our heavenly Father awaits you on the other side of the gates to welcome you to the eternal parad...

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My favourite nun joke

The nuns from the Convent of the Immaculate Conception were on a day trip when their bus went off the road, plunged over a cliff and they were all killed.

It had been a long day at the gates of heaven and Saint Peter had been counting down the minutes to knocking off time and some well-earned...

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Arianna Grande is on her way to a photoshoot...

in a plane. The plane crashes on a remote, deserted island. Everyone dies, except for Arianna and her male photographer.

At first they're scared shitless, but it turns out the island has lots of fruit and fresh water. Life isn't so bad. They soon realize that they're soul mates and they fall ...

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