My doctor really likes my choice of sensible footwear...

I overheard him telling his colleague that I had "Serious healthy shoes".

Why does a sensible man not order a double bourbon?

Because it's two whisky.

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On Saturday I bought myself some sensible walking boots, a light weight rucksack, and some waterproofs.

This morning I headed out in the direction of the local national park, walked for about 5 miles stopped and sat on a stone wall near the waterfall and had a flask of coffee. Then I walked another 5 miles and had a biscuit and then I.... Sorry, I'm rambling.

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A quick pint after work turned into a bit of session. I was far too drunk to drive, so I did the sensible thing and took a bus home.

Fuck knows how I managed to park it!

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Karen goes to the doctor not feeling well.

Karen: Doctor, I’ve not been feeling well lately.

Doctor: I’ve looked at your lab reports and I’m afraid I have some bad news.

Karen: Don’t give me this lab nonsense. I believe in homeopathic medicine, faith-based approaches and healing crystals. All my life, they have never failed m...

A granny is walking to the store when she is stopped by a military checkpoint

Soldiers inform her that she can't cross the bridge because it was destroyed. "Destroyed how? I can plainly see it and there is nothing wrong with it." "No, no, ma'am" explains the soldier. "According to the exercise scenario this bridge was destroyed yesterday and we can't let anybody cross." "But ...

I told my daughter to be sensible before her eighteenth birthday party.

She said, "You are only eighteen once!"


I said, "No...you're eighteen 365 times, unless it's a leap year."

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Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

“Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl who I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

“Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

“Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally built up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

“That's great!" sa...

My roommate complained about me peeing in the shower, but to my way of thinking it's just a sensible way to save water.

Also, it's not like I'm going to miss from less than arm's length away.

And even if I do splash on her feet, it rinses right off at once.

TIL that Jules Verne did not write Twenty Thousand Leagues under the Sea

He wrote at a desk like a sensible person would.

A man wakes up and realizes he can’t smell anything

He thinks it to be odd and goes about his day. He thinks to himself, “This isn’t so bad, I don’t have to smell the gross company bathroom”.

The next day he can’t taste anything. He thinks to himself, “this isn’t so bad, I can finally start eating healthier now I won’t like junk food”.
...

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An old wealthy jew is dying and decides to dictate his will

He bequeaths his vast fortune to his two sons. However, the sensible and hard-working Moshe only gets one tavern, while the dissolute drunkard Yasha gets everything else.

The rabbi, who came to visit the dying man, tries to instruct him to the path of wisdom:

"It's none of my business,...

The first rule of comedy is repetition. The second rule of comedy is repetition. The third rule of comedy is, you guessed it...

Wear sensible shoes.

Ahoy Matey!

There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant.

"It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak ...

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Three friends find a magical pool in the forest.

The magical inscription beside it says "Run at this pool and jump in while screaming your desire. The pool shall be filled with whatever you wish for."

The first guy, being the sensible one, ran straight at it and shouted "MONEY!!!" True enough, he landed in a pool of cash up to his neck. Bag...

Did you know that non vaxxed kids had super abilities?

Their bodies are way more sensible to environmental exposure, and they can hear a sneeze from miles away.

The 7 qualities to be the perfect girlfriend are..

Beautiful


Intelligent


Gentle


Thoughtful


Innocent


Trustworthy


Sensible.

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The man and the horse couldn’t agree on what to name the new planet

Despite hours of brainstorms and workshops, the man and the horse couldn’t agree on what to name the new planet.

“New Terra is the sensible choice”, said the man, exasperated.

“Don’t give me that more-evolved-than-thou horse-shit”, said the horse, “why don’t you let a non-dominant life...

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A man is stopped by an officer controlling traffic...

The officer is conducting the control rather rudely and is pedantic about the state of the car and the man starts to get annoyed. When the officer finally hands back his papers, the man asks: "would I get into trouble for calling an officer an asshole motherfucker?". The officer makes an angry noise...

A chemist and his friend go to lunch. When asked what they want to drink,the chemist says, "I'll have some H2O." His friend says "I'll have some H2O too"

When they get their drinks, they both are fine because the waiter is a sensible person who is able to distinguish the difference between the chemical compound H2O2, hydrogen peroxide, and asking to have water, like his friend.

I can never understand why Xenophobia is considered ignorant...

Given their immense potential for death and destruction, I personally find the fear of Xenomorphs to be perfectly sensible.

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"Did you know that making a girl laugh is the second best way to get a girl into bed?"

... I asked my date.

"Really?" she asked. "What's the first?"

"A big fuck off knife!" I replied.

"Ha-ha, you're funny," she said.

- "Well done, you've made a sensible choice."

I am really proud of my self this morning..

Last night I went out with my colleagues for New Year party.
After drinking a tad too many than I could handle, I made a sensible decision to leave car at the pub and take the bus home.

I am really proud of my self this morning, I had never driven a bus before!

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English professor

An English professor is standing in front of his class giving a lecture on proper punctuation.

Professor: "I've noticed a lot of people using quotation marks for emphasis, and I just wanted to clear this up because it can cause a lot of confusion in certain circumstances."

He puts up a...

A Scotsman Visits his Pen Pal in New York City...

and they decide to catch a Yankee's game.

Now, the Scotsman was unlearned in the rules and dynamics of America's past time, so his friend took it upon himself to preach the religion of baseball.

The first batter pops a fly out to center field.

"Now, you see there? How the outfie...

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