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I was sitting on an automatic toilet when it malfunctioned and abruptly flushed underneath me…

Scared the shit outta me.

It's my cake day and I don't know any new jokes so. Here are some old jokes I use to love as a kid

1. What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back?
Answer = A stick.

2. What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
Answer = Thunderwear.

3. Two pickles fell out of a jar onto the floor. What did one say to the other?
Answer = Dill with it.

4. What time is it when the...

My Grandmother found and flushed my weed so, I hid her weelchair......

Now neither of us are rolling

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Remind me to tell you the crazy story about the last time I flushed a toilet.

Shit went down.

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I found a snake in my house and flushed him down the toilet...

I hope that doesn't come back to bite me in the ass.

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The appliances in a sexy woman's bathroom start arguing...

It all started when the bathtub was bragging he gets to see her naked everyday.
The sink piped up, "That's nothing. Daily oral. What guy could ask for more?"
The toilet flushed, "Amateur. I get both holes. Anal multiple times a day."
The tub, feeling like he shouldn't be beat by the toile...

What did one toilet say to the other?

You look flushed!

A woman was caught with drugs in her hand by a cop while in the bathroom of a nightclub

The woman swears that the drugs are not hers and promises that, "They aren’t mine - I found them here and I tried to flush them down the toilet. However, every single time I flush the drugs down the drain they just keep re-appearing magically in my hands or my pockets!"

The cop, obviously in ...

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Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.

They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.

The angel said "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted."

T...

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A group of friends was walking around the red light district and came across a sign that said “donuts.”

Hank turned to the other two, Joey and Carl, and said, “Guys, I heard about this! The girl puts a donut on your junk and then goes to town. It’s supposed to be the best thing you can do here. We should do it. It’s not like we’re going to get this chance again!”

Reluctantly, the other two agr...

In the land of poker, different people had different toilets. The peasants had toilets that flushed clockwise, and the nobles had toilets that flushed counterclockwise. The king had neither.

He had a straight flush.

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The woodland statues and the Fairy

Two statues have stood facing each other for over a 1000 years. A handsome Male and a beautiful Female. One day a Fairy floats down from the sky and tells them that she has seen them there for ages and will treat them to half an hour as humans.

As soon as she had waved her magic wand and they...

A priest who came to a village in Africa which was very ignorant, was trying to educate the natives.

While he preached every morning that people should do good and be kind to each other, he would try to teach English to the head of the tribe in the afternoon. One day the priest took the chief with him and started walking
Meanwhile, he was trying to increase the knowledge of the chief by saying t...

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I flushed my fish down the toilet so he could die as he lived.

With me treating him like shit.

Why does Marx's toilet play a sonata when flushed?

Because of the violins inherent in the cistern.

Chuck Norris once flushed a condom

Three weeks later the ninja turtles were born

I was bullied at school. They always stole my dinner money and gave me wedgies. One day they flushed my head down the toilet

It was then i decide to give up teaching

What did the toilet say to the other?

"You feeling ok? You look flushed.."

Can't take credit for it. Just heard it on last man standing and was surprised how loud i chuckled.

Jokes from the 90's seem popular here. How about one from the 80's?

Little Timmy had a severe stutter. However, his mother decided that this was no reason for him to not live a normal life, and so decided he should try taking the bus to school on his own.

"It's very simple," she assured her nervous boy. "When you board the bus tomorrow morning, tell the cond...

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A man on an airplane notices this very attractive blonde sitting next to him... (Long)

As the flight begins she removes a book from her bag and starts to read. The man immediately notices the title; "Confessions of a Nymphomaniac" and he's instantly transfixed.

After a few moments, she pauses her reading to take a drink and the man seizes his opportunity... "so" he says, "I ju...

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Heard in court.

An elderly lady was on trial for murder and the judge asked the woman to reitrate what had happend.

“Well, I had been on a date with this man, yes even at my age, and I asked him in for a cup of coffee. As we sat on the couch he put his arm around me.” The lady answered.

“That seems al...

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Just be careful because people are going crazy from being in lock down!

Actually I've just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and we all agreed that things are getting bad.

I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything.

Certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold a...

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He had a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again......back and forth....in and out.......She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back. She was getting near to the end…

...her heart was pounding..... her face was flushed.....

Then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,

"Okay, Okay!!! I can't park the car!!! You do it, you smug fucking asshole!!!"

A farmer and a king died at the same time.

They found themselves standing at the Pearly Gates.

"Both of you were very good men," says St. Peter, "but heaven is getting crowded and I can only allow one of you in. What can you do?"

The farmer planted a pear tree, and it grew huge, delicious fruits.

"Wonderful," said St. P...

[OC] I just spent my morning break writing this joke.

Jeff had spent most of his adult life in prison for a string of drug offenses and theft. He is finally being released at 28 years old after a decade in prison.

He approaches his jailhouse lover, Vince, a former English teacher and schoolboy fondler. Vince was a little sad to say goodbye, and...

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My mom was on a toilet when a phone rang

She was already finished so she said: "I'm gonna get it!"

I needed to use the toilet badly so I went in after her and noticed she forgot to flush. It wasn't a big deal, I just performed my needs and flushed for both of us.

When my mom found out that I flushed the toilet, she wasn't too...

I just made love to my girlfriend

She asked, "If I get pregnant, what should we name the baby?"

I took off my condom, tied a knot, and flushed it down the toilet.

"Well" I said, "If he can get out of that, we’ll call him Houdini".

I was paying for my stuff at the grocery store and a condom fell out of my wallet.

I was a little embarrassed.

I looked at it, then at the cashier. We both looked down, then back to eachother, then to the corner of the room avoiding eye contact.

I said "Look, I'm really sorry about that. I thought I flushed it."

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