UPJOKE
crackheadheadmetalheadcokeheadsociopathdoltdruggieslackerdoofusnarcissistnymphomaniactransformernogginheadfirstbehead

What's the difference between a raisin and a pothead from Alabama

One's baked in bread, and the other's a baked inbred.

Police Officer and the Pothead

Police Officer: "How high are you?"

Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"

What do you call a group of handicapped potheads?

The Rolling Stoners

Why did the pothead lose his battle against Medusa?

He was stoned.

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A pothead goes to the local dealer.

He says:
- Yo, gimme something new, something strong!
- Alright man, this is the new product in the market. replies the dealer. It's called "Light-Dark".
- Light-Dark? Why? asks the pothead.
- Just buy some, try it out, and you'll see why.

Our pothead buys the stuff, arrives at h...

What do you call a crippled pothead?

A baked potato

If A Pothead Has 13 Joints

That makes it a baker's dozen.

What is a pothead's favorite beer?

Miller High Life

How do you find a pothead in a crowd?

You weed them out

In Colorado they took down the mile marker for 420

In Colorado they took down the mile marker sign for 420
They were afraid that the potheads were going to try and steal it.
They replaced it with a mile marker 419.9999 repeating sign
Well this caused the sign to get stolen by the MATH nerds,
who also swiftly stole the cosine and...

How did the pothead propose to his GF?

"Marijuana?"

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Three guys go to hell. A fat guy, a sex addict, and a pothead...

Three guys go to hell. A fat guy, a sex addict, and a pothead.

The devil goes up to these guys and says - listen, I'm feeling nice today. I'm going to let each of you choose ONE thing and I'll lock you away in a room for a thousand years with it. The guys all look at each other in disbelief, ...

What do you call an abusive pothead?

A weed whacker.

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A pothead, a math teacher, and a gym teacher all go to heaven.

God tells them that heaven is full and they will have to trick the devil to be let in. God calls the devil and the devil comes in and introduces himself. The math teacher tries first and gives him a hard equation. The devil solves it in 10 seconds and the teacher is sent to hell. The gym teacher ask...

What's a pothead's favorite musical instrument?

bag pipes

What do you call a pothead with two spliffs?

Double-jointed

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A pothead, a rapist and a dog killer walk into a bar.

The Steelers must be in town.

Why did the exterminator go to the Pothead's house?

Because there were roaches everywhere.

A pothead goes to the beach.

It's pretty obvious that he's been smoking earlier that day.
He gets to the beach and it's a quiet day. He notices, however that there are all manner of sea birds squawking and flying around like crazy. They're diving in and out of the water and pestering the few people who were out that day. He ...

What do you call a bunch of potheads working together?

A joint effort!

A pothead gets pulled over by a cop.

The cop asks "do i smell weed?" And the pothead answers "yeah dude, we're on the highway"

What did the pothead want for Christmas

A body

Have you heard about the pothead who tried crack for the first time?

He thought it was dope!

Why did the pothead cross the road?

Who else would want to follow a chicken?

What did the egghead say to the pothead?

"Why are you laughing? Is it the yolk?"

I saw my pothead friend on my way to work, and you know how he greeted me?

High.

Why did the pothead have weak knees and elbows?

He didnt have any joints.

What do you call a pothead that breaks up with his girlfriend?

Homeless

A pothead and a leper are in jail

and suddenly lepers' right foot starts to itch. He scratches it against the wall and it falls off. He takes it and tosses it through their cell window.


The pothead is looking at the leper and lights up a joint.


Suddenly lepers' left foot starts to itch. He scratches it against ...

What do you call a pothead that murders?

Stonedface killer.

What does a muscular pothead have for breakfast?

Shredded Wheat

How did the pothead propose to his girlfriend?

"Marriage.. you wanna?"

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Three men die and go to hell

Three men, all addicts, die and go to hell, where they meet Satan standing atop a mountain of skulls. Satan calls out to the trio "Men, welcome to hell. To atone for your word sins, you will each spend a millennia locked in a room with your vice of voice."
The men are quickly escorted to their ro...

Instead of a Handyman, my apartment complex has a Handywoman.

She's a bit of a pothead but damn good at her job. Today she asked me if I wanted to smoke with her but I declined cuz I can't stand high maintenance women.

How many potheads does it take to change a lightbulb?

It was too bright in here anyway.

What do potheads do when they see a fire?

Stop, drop, and roll

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A monkey was casually waking in the woods on a moonlit night.

He saw an elephant drinking vodka and decided to go talk to him.
"My friend!" the monkey said- "Alcohol is bad for your health. Why don't you stop drinking and join me to enjoy the beauty of nature?"

The elephant thought about it for a second and decided to join the monkey.
The two of t...

In honor of 420 tomorrow, here's a weed joke.

Police Officer: "How high are you?" Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"

A teen is caught smoking pot behind a local convenience store.

He’s arrested and put in county jail.

The arresting officer advises the young pothead that he gets one phone call from jail. The teen makes his phone call and returns to his cell.

About a half hour later a man shows up at the police station. “I assume you’re the boy’s father,” the ar...

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an illustrious lawyer dies and goes to hell...

... where he is greeted by the devil who says, "i have claimed your soul as one of the forsaken. for all of eternity, you will serve as my aide." this suited the lawyer's taste and so he handled clerical and correctional duties on behalf of the devil. for his first assignment, the devil takes him to...

what's the difference between a crack head and a pot head?

If a crackhead overdoses you find them dead in the gutter, if pothead overdoses you find them asleep in the fridge.

What is the favorite number of french potheads?

80

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My contribution to Blasphemy day - A pothead died...

and went to heaven.

Upon reaching the heavenly gates, Saint Peter asked him:

"What was your occupation on earth my son?"

The pothead replied: "I used to smoke a lot of marijuana sir."

Saint Peter then got a little confused in his head because he had never heard of anythin...

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3 people die and end up in hell...

The first was an alcoholic, the second was a womanizer, the 3rd was a pothead.

Satan spoke: "Your punishment for squandering your lives on addiction is simple. What you valued the most in your life will be provided to you in infinite supply, however, you will remain with only your vice in a l...

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3 guys go to hell...

3 guys go to hell, and the devil greets them for orientation.
"You each came here for different reasons" he says, "but I'm going to let you pick one vice, and you can do that, but ONLY that, for eternity."

So he goes to the first guy, who was an alcoholic, and after a moment of thought th...

A stoner walks into an appliance store and asks the owner,

"How much for that TV set in the window?"

The owner looks at the TV set, then looks at the stoner, and says, "I don't sell stuff to potheads."

So the stoner tells the owner that he'll quit smoking pot and will come back the next week to buy the TV.

A week later, the stoner come...

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1000 Years.

Three men arrive at the gates of heaven, St. Peter looks upon them and says "Though you are all good men, you have sins to absolve before i can let you enter the great kingdom!" So St. Peter takes them off to purgatory.

The first man had an addiction to sex. St. Peter took this man to a room,...

An old man walks up to a couple of stoners smoking a joint, and says,

“Don’t you know that smoking weed makes you ignorant and apathetic?”

One of the potheads turns to him and replies, “I don’t know, and I don’t care.”

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God and St. Peter walk the Earth

God decides to visit the mortals and see how wicked is the world so He takes St. Peter along and goes to Earth.

By accident He sumbles over 2 potheads that were smoking a joint and they test their good hearts asking if they can have some.

Of course, the potheads are very nice, they ma...

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My parents have been really pissed off with my life choices lately...

I started hanging out with this pothead and he got me started smoking. He's a decent guy but his hygiene is terrible. My parents nicknamed him Dirty. There also convinced we're sleeping together so they're always barging in on us.

Well the other day Dirty came over with some weed I've been w...

Stoner Joke

A pothead finds a strangely looking old oil lamp in the trash and rubs it to clean it up a bit when suddenly a genie comes out of it. "Congratulations, you freed me from my captivity! I grant you three wishes for releasing me!" The pothead does not think twice and says "OK, for my first wish - I wan...

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