An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and haircut, but he tells the barber he probably can’t get all of his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

The shave is going well and the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he’s had in years. As the barber finished the man goes to spit the ball out but ...

I opened the fridge and wrinkled my nose ...

My wife: “Do you smell something?”

“Yeah, you bought Tilsiter cheese.”

She: “Your Corona test is negative.”

The cover on my ironing board was wrinkled

so I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because of "irony."

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The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.


The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the mo...

A little girl was sitting on her granddad's lap while he read her a story. She kept taking her eyes of the book and reaching up and touching his old, wrinkled face.

After a few times doing this, she finally asked, "Grandpa, were you made by God?"

"Yes, dear." he replied. "I was made by God a long time ago."

The little girl paused for a moment and then asked, "And did God make me?"

"Of course, dear." replied her grandfather. "God made you no...

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A woman is bathing her 7 year old son, the kid looks at his wrinkled ballsack and asks...

Mom, is this my brain?

The mother replies: not yet son, not yet...

Why was the hipster's bowtie wrinkled?

Cuz he wore it unironically.

St. Peter was guarding the Pearly Gates, waiting for new souls coming to heaven.

He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. “Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?”

“Sure,” replied Jesus. “What do I have to do?”

“Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve ...

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An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.

He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
...

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High School Reunion

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which showed is full name.

Suddenly I remembered a tall, handsome dark-haired boy with the same name who had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago. Could this be the same g...

I happened to be in court when I noticed a wrinkled old lady with grey hair sat up high...

I asked her, "You mind if I ask how old you are?"

She shouted back, "Thirty, love!"

I thought she was just messing with me so I replied, "No, really, how old are you?"

She yelled at me, "Forty, love!"

I realised then I should get back to my tennis match.

Why is an elephant large, gray, and wrinkled?

Because if it was small, white, and smooth, it would be an aspirin.

Why do elephants have such wrinkled skin?

Because they're difficult to iron.

Why are the golfer’s pants never wrinkled?

Because he has 9 irons

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The Pub Game

A guy walks into a pub in the middle of the countryside and orders a pint. While the barman is pouring his drink he notices a jar behind the bar that's stuffed with cash, must be close to £5000 in there. Curious, he asks the barman, "what's this about?"

"Ah, it's a little game we got 'ere" sa...

A bumblebee suddenly wakes up in a cold sweat, realizing he has overslept and is about to miss his connecting flight home after a successful overseas business trip.

He makes a mad rush to the airport, suitcase in one hand, passport and airline ticket in the other. His tie flaps loose in the breeze, his shirt wrinkled and untucked, with his face covered in bushy bumblebee beard stubble.

He recklessly flies into the main entrance, nearly knocking over a fa...

Forrest Gump died and went to Heaven...

As Forrest approaches the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter greeted him.
“Ah, welcome, Mr. Gump. We’ve been anxiously awaiting your arrival.”
Forrest looked intently, not quite sure what to make of the scene in front of him.
“Forrest, before I let you into Heaven, I need you to answer three quest...

Two forensic officers were reviewing their examination the stomach of a murder victim that week.

"Another case solved," concluded the chief officer.

*"Hmm-mmm" her partner agreed.*

"Quite a simple one to work out, too." She savoured a sip of coffee.

*"Oh? How so?" queried the young man, raising an eyebrow.*

"Hmmm. The contents reminded me of my husband's attempt at t...

My wife told me she had the body of an 18 year old.

I told her, "Give it back, you're getting it wrinkled."

No peeking

A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle. Well, Mom forgot until the last minute.

So she dashed out and could only find a short pink nighty. She bought it and t...

An FBI chief is informed there is a traitor in his staff.

He decides to test 3 agents he suspects.

He sits down the first agent in his office and asks him:

Chief: "Are you a patriot?"

Agent: "Yes sir, I am."

Chief: "Do you love more, your country or your family?"

Agent: "My country sir!"

Chief: "Alright, take t...

Elephants never forget...

There was a boy who grew up in India with his father, a diplomat. When he was almost nine, he used to run away from his tutor and go to walk through the forests. On one such occasion, he heard a strange noise and veered off the path to investigate. He saw a young elephant, lying on the ground, appar...

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Last request

Let's see if I understand how the world works lately...


If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work,
he blames the restaurant.

If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer,
your family blames the tobacco company.

If your neighbo...

Two old men are having an argument over which one of them has lived their life to it's fullest

The first man, old, wrinkled and his scalp topped with few white strains of hair, proclaims:
>"I have only been able to achieve my proud age of 98 through a steadily upheld 6 hour workout routine on a daily basis. I may have lost some time, but it was completely worth it."

The second m...

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The 19th hole.

A crusty old golfer comes in from a round of golf
and heads into the grill room.

As he passes through the swinging doors he sees
a sign hanging over the bar :

COLD BEER: $2.00

HAMBURGER: $2.25

CHEESEBURGER: $2.50...

A woman is standing naked in front of her bedroom mirror.

"I'm old, saggy and wrinkled," she sighed. Then she turned to her husband who was sitting in bed, reading. "I could really do with you saying something nice, you know."

He looked up. "Your eyesight's perfect."

I went into the library and asked for a book on turtles.

the lady said, "hardback?"

I replied, "yes, with little wrinkled heads"

A dying man smells his favorite oatmeal raisin cookies cooking downstairs.

It takes all the strength he has left but he gets up from the bed and crawls down the stairs.

He sees the cookies cooling on the counter and staggers over to them. As he reaches for one, his wife's wrinkled hand reaches out, smacks his and she yells:

“No, you can't have those! They're ...

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Charles, Angus and Patrick had just broken out of prison

Knowing that the police were hot on their tails, they dashed into the nearest building they could find; and old pub. Worried that the police would arrive at any second, they headed into the basement to hide. In the basement they found three large burlap sacks, which they hastily climbed into in an a...

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A researcher was conducting a study on the effects of gore across various cultures

He selected an American, a European, and a Japanese man. To see the reactions of these people, he used a picture of a man with his toes freshly amputated.

The American man seemed a bit squeamish when presented with the picture, but otherwise he was okay.

The European man wrinkled his f...

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So a man walks into a bar with a 1-foot-tall well-dressed person behind him

The man pulls an electronic piano out of his pocket and sets it up on the bar, then sets up a tiny little stool. The foot-tall man takes a seat, cracks his knuckles, and begins to tickle the ivories in the most beautiful manner the bartender has ever heard.

As the sweet melodies resounded th...

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Rocking Sex

Two elderly residents, one male and one female, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening.

The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting, and for hundred bucks I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."

...

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The Watchmaker

The Boy was due to meet his friends down the third alley from the green sign. The bar at the end of that alley, they had said, was a place where spirits and souls mixed together with the languid flow of warm summer air.

But The Boy had started drinking when the sun was still ascending, and n...

George Bush swears he sees Moses in the crowd at a rally....

.....and he doesn't want to miss the opportunity to meet such a well-known biblical celebrity.

He yells at him, "Sir, you look a lot like a man from the old testament. Are you Moses?" Looking around, the man slowly shakes his head side to side denying the gesture. Bush is not convinced.. one...

Good eyes

A woman standing in front of a mirror and telling her husbband: "I am fat, old, wrinkled and no longer pretty. But will you still give me a compliment?

The husband replies: "Your eyesight is still excellent".

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