UPJOKE
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A group of 40-year-old blokes who were having a reunion discussed where they should meet for dinner.

Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waitresses there had low cut blouses and were very young.

10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should mee...

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Bloke goes into a British pub on a hot summer’s day and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says....

..."You dirty pig!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."

The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread your arse cheeks and lick all that sweat."

She says, ...

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This bloke goes out to the bush to visit a mate...

He's there for a couple of days, until he's bored shitless. So he says to his mate, "Fuck me rotten, I'm so bored. What do you do for fun mate?"

His mate replies, "Well, you can go shooting tomorrow if you like. Take out my 303 and my dogs. That's always fun."

So he goes out the nex...

A bloke goes into the job centre in Newcastle and sees a card advertising for a gynaecologist’s assistant; intrigued, he goes in to find out more…

‘Can you give me some more details about this?’ he says to the guy behind the desk.

The job centre guy sorts through his files and replies, ‘Ah yes, I've had quite a few enquiries about this one; the job involves you getting patients ready for the gynaecologist – you have to help them out of ...

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A bloke sees his ex-wife with her new lover in the pub and decides to wind him up so he shouts over 'How's the second-hand pussy?'

Quick as a flash, her lover replies 'Great! After the first three inches it's like brand new'

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This blokes wife was going down to the shops, so she asked her husband if he'd like anything

"Yeah, a packet of smokes", he replied.

The wife came back and chucked him tobacco & papers to make rollies. He didn't want to start an argument, so he just thought, "Stupid Bitch", and smoked them.

The next week the wife was going down to the shops and she asked him again if he wa...

3 Chinese blokes apply for American visa.

They decide to use Americanized names for starting their new lives.

So, Chu became Chuck and got his Visa stamped.

Lu became Luck and also received his Visa.

Fu had to continue working in the paddy fields.

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Two blokes were on a plane one day.......

........ and they were sitting side by side. Coincidentally, they each had one black eye. They started talking.. 'hey mate do you mind if I ask how you got your black eye?'. 'Yeah no worries', the other one responded. 'I was at the airport check in and when I got to the counter, I couldn't help but ...

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This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall...

He asks the bartender, "What the fuck is that?"

The bartender replies, "It's a moose."

The Scottish chap shouts back, "Fuck me! How big are the cats?"

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A cop pulled over a bloke for speeding....

He goes up to the bloke and says

>And where do you think you're going at that speed this early in the morning.

The driver replies

>I'm going to work

To which the officer replies

>And what job requires you to get there this quick?

The driver thinking...

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I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said, "Morning."

He replied, "No, just having a shit."

Did you hear about the bloke who drank a bottle of toilet cleaner?

He went clean round the s-bend.

A huge bloke decked in full hunting gear and with an entire dead wildebeest over his shoulder made his way to Nairobi airport.

As he approached the desk the airline attendant noted the wildebeest carcass but more alarmingly noticed that the suitcase he was dragging was bulging sporadically and clearly contained something large and very much alive. Feeling slightly nervous but determined to do his job the attendant challeng...

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A Welsh bloke persuades his girlfriend to try anal for the first time.

He says, "If it hurts too much, yell the safety word and I'll stop."

She says, "OK, what's the safety word?"

"Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch!"

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I was standin next to this bloke in the changing room at my local gym yesterday when a mobile phone rings.

He was getting dry so he puts it on loudspeaker. I thought straightaway wot a smug bastard!

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the gym?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the Metro Centre now and found this beautiful leather coat.

It' s only £1,000. Is it OK ...

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Bloke goes into the chemist and asks if they sell Durex. The lady said I'm sorry, were all out. Have you tried Boots?

He said I want to Shag her, not kick her fucking head in!

3 bags of crisps walking down the road .. a bloke pulls up ,says hay guys wanna lift?

No thanks they replied we’re walkers

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Bloke goes to a doctor and says 'Why is it that every time I look in the mirror, I get an erection?'

Doctor says 'It's because you look like a twat!'

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A new bloke starts works on a building site...

He meets his new workmates and they head up to the roof to start work.
One of the workers picks up a pile of bricks and steps off the edge of the building falling 10 stories and landing safely at the bottom.
He takes the elevator back to the top and keeps working.
No one seems to even bat a...

I once got into a fight with a really big bloke.

Him: "I'm going to mop the floor with your face!"

Me: "You'll be sorry mate!"

Him: "Oh yeah? Why?"

Me: "Well you won't be able to get into the corners very well!"

(Credit to Bob Mortimer)

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I was taking the piss out of a bloke with a ridiculous wig on today.

He had the last laugh though. Sentenced me to 6 months.

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Bloke is in bed with his wife having sexy time when there's a knock at the front door...

It's 2am and bloke isn't impressed but the knock is persistent so he goes downstairs. Opening the front door he sees it's blowing a gale and raining sideways and there's a man standing there, bedraggled and soaked.

"Excuse me can I have a push?" the man gasps.

"Fuck off!" says bloke, s...

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This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town.

'Where's the pissing, motherfucking manager, you cocksucking arsewipe?' he inquires of one of the waiters. The waiter is taken-aback and replies, 'Excuse me sir but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here. I will get the manager as soon as I can'.

The manager comes o...

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A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.

“Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins.”

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”

“Don’t worry, child,” says the...

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My mate said he'd seen another bloke put his arms around my girlfriend three times.

"Fuck off," I said, "nobody's got arms that long"

A naked man was walking down the street with a woman on his back

A bloke on the other side of the road asked, "Where are you going?"

The naked man replied, "To a fancy dress party."

"What as?" asked the bemused gentleman.

"A tortoise", said the naked man.

"Well, who is the woman on your back?" said the intrigued gentleman.

"Oh, ...

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I was having a shit on the train when some bloke knocked on the door.

He said ‘can I see your ticket please?’

‘Not right now, I’m having a shit’ I shouted back.

‘I don’t believe you, can you slide it under the door?’ He snapped back annoyedly

‘Sure thing, no problem. The yellow bits are sweet corn’ I said

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A bloke walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of tequila.

He downs them one after the other, slamming the glasses on the bar.

"Never seen anyone do that before, is it a special occasion?" asked the barman.

"Yeah" answered the bloke. "First blowjob today."

"Congrats" said the barman. "Have another one on the house."

"No thanks" r...

Murphy's Pub

**Two men were sitting next to each other at Murphy's Pub in London. After awhile, one bloke looks at the other and says, “I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland.”**

**The other bloke responds proudly, “Yes, that I am!”**

**The first one says, “So am I!...

A bloke is sent by his wife to get snails to make escargot...

"I expect ya back in an hour as the bread's already bakin' and the wine's already breathin' on the table" says his wife .

The bloke walks down the path towards town and the local market. Upon arriving he finds the snails, and he spends a good five minutes picking out the biggest and juiciest ...

Some bloke just told me he was gonna smack me with the neck of his guitar....

I said, is that a fret?

As I regained consciousness from last nights car crash.

The Doctors were trying to convince me that

I'm actually a Swedish bloke who has forgotten his identity...

But I am having none of it. I wasn't Bjorn yesterday!

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I was in the pub last night telling my mate the joke about, “What would you do if an epileptic was having a fit in the bath...

...throw the washing in.” However, the bloke on the next table said, “My brother who is epileptic had a fit in the bath and died.” Fuck me. If the ground could have swallowed me up l’d of been happy. I said, “Sorry to hear that, mate. Did he drown?” He said, “No; he choked on a sock.”

I went fishing at the weekend and there was this bloke splashing about in the middle of the lake shouting, "I can't swim! I can't swim!"

"It's alright, mate," I shouted, pointing at a nearby sign, "It says no swimming anyway."

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A bloke buys a camel from some shonk on a street corner, and he proudly rides it into the pub car park, causing a bit of a stir with the local drinkers.

"Nice camel, mate," one of his drinking commented. "Is it male or
female?"


"Female!" the bloke beamed.


"How do you know" his mate enquired.


"Well," the bloke explained, "On the way here today, at least twenty
people yelled out: 'Hey - look at the cunt...

This bloke knocked on my door and said, "Can I come into your house and talk about vacuuming your carpets?"

I am sure he was a Jehoovers Witness.

A bloke bumped in to me on the tube the other day and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."

Then the same fella followed me home from the pub and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."

Things then got out of hand when he tapped on my window at 11.30 that night and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."

I thought, "That's it, I'm going to the Police."

I told the officer I w...

A bloke was sentenced to life imprisonment for murder and the judge also ordered him to have his hearing destroyed.

I thought it was a bit harsh to be honest, life imprisonment and the deaf penalty

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah

I thought: "He's trying to pull a fast one."

Just seen a bloke down the market selling the Oxford Covid Vaccinations..

£2 each or 3 for a Pfizer

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A bloke walks into an extremely posh restaurant, sits down and waives the waiter over. "I want to see the cock-sucking, mother-fucking boss now," he says.

The waiter is naturally a bit taken aback and replies "Excuse me, sir, would you refrain from using that kind of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the bloke says "Are you the chicken fucking manager of this bastard joint?" "Yes sir, I am", ...

Foreign Language

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting.
"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says.
The two Englishmen just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" The two continue to stare.
"Parlare Italiano?" No resp...

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What's the difference between two blokes having sex and two women having sex?

There are loads, actually

clever dog

Bloke walks into a pub and sees a dog playing poker with 3 men. "He must be a clever dog" the bloke says, "not really" says the barman "whenever he gets a good hand he wags his tail"

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Loud Mick

SLEEPING WITH MICK

The guys were on a bike tour. No one wanted to room with Mick, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first guy slept with Mick and comes to breakfast the next morning with...

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I've just heard that the bloke who invented predictive text has pissed away.

His funfair is next monkey.

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An old bloke hires a hitman to kill his wife of 40 years...

The hitman says "It'll be a quick kill, I'll shoot her just below the left tit"...
The husband says "I want her dead, not fucking kneekapped!"

A bloke went to his mate's fancy dress party with nothing but a girl on his back.

"So what the hell are you supposed to be?" the host asked.
"I'm a snail." The bloke replied.
"What a load of rubbish!" the host spat. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that girl on your back?"
"That's not a any girl, mate," the bloke replied, "that's Michelle".

I saw a bloke with one arm and one leg was about to be hanged.



I started shouting out letters.

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I was in the park with my dog and I said to this bloke, "Which way did you vote regarding Brexit?". “I voted to leave" he replied. With that my dog bit him. Later that day, I was down the pub and I asked the landlord the same question and he replied “I voted to remain” and my dog bit him too.

My dog doesn't give a fuck about politics.

There’s a bloke in the pub who keeps shouting out random numbers between 0 and 36.

I think he’s got Roulette’s Syndrome.

A bloke arrives at a nightclub door and the bouncers say he can't come in without a tie.

He goes to the boot of his car and gets a pair of jump leads, wraps them around his neck and goes back to the doormen.

"Can I come in now,' he says to the bouncers. 'Yeah, but don't start anything''.

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Bloke goes for a job on a building site

Foreman says ‘important things first, can you make a cup of tea?’
‘Yeah’ he replies
‘Good’ says the foreman, ‘can you drive a forklift?’
He says ‘Why? How bigs the fucking tea pot?’

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Taylor Swift has 500 songs about blokes leaving her

and 0 songs about blowjobs.

See where I'm going with this?

This bloke said to me, “would you be up for doing an impression of a pheasant?”

I said, “sure, I'm game!”

A bloke goes to a fancy dress party with a naked woman on his back

Someone asks him “what are you supposed to be”

He says “I’m a turtle”

And the other person says “well who’s she”

And he says “that’s Michelle”

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Do you know what you should call a scitzophrenic bloke with his dick in a jar of peanut butter?

Don't worry about it, he is just fucking nuts.

I went to the Chinese for a take away last night, I ordered chicken chow mein, egg fried rice and Singapore crispy noodles. The bloke tipped it all loose in to a carrier bag. I said what the hell are you doing?

He said we're not allowed to put Chinese in a container anymore.

Went for walk yesterday and a bloke threw a lump of cheese at me.

I thought to myself, well that's not very mature.

I was talking to a bloke that builds cars.

"How do you make a headlight?" I asked him.

"Easy," he said, "don't drink any water on a hot day."

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A bloke has just got out of a time machine and forced me to suck his cock, I felt degraded and humiliated.

When I get older I am going to build a time machine, go back in time, find this twat as a kid, and force him to suck my cock.

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it's been raining heavily, puddles everywhere.

So a man is walking down the street, it's been tipping down. Puddles everywhere, just very wet.
He keeps walking and spies a duck, the duck is overly confident. The duck asks "how you going guy?"
The man is visibly confused by the talking duck and says *can't believe you can talk. *

The...

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I got attacked by 3 blokes last night but managed to knock one out...

Probably wasn't the best time for a wank but it could have been my last.

I was in the petrol station queue and there was a bloke in front of me his right arm was browner than the other...

He saw me looking, so I nodded to his arm and asked if he was a taxi driver.

He replied, "No. I'm a vet."

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Guy talking to his mate Dave.

Guy: You still working as a part time comedian Dave?

Dave: Yeah, I done a gig at the Alzheimer's society club,

they liked my first joke so much I told it again and again.

In fact I told it 25 times, this old bloke came up to me after

and said, I don't know how the fuck yo...

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I saw two blokes having a fight...

I shouted, "My money's on the one with the knife!"

You should have seen how fucking fast they both ran off.

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Once upon a time a bloke asked a girl "Will you marry me" The girl said "NO"......AND THE BLOKE LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER......

AND RODE MOTORCYCLES
AND WENT FISHING
AND WATCHED FOOTBALL
AND DRANK BEER
AND ATE CURRY
AND LEFT THE TOILET SEAT UP
AND FARTED
AND HAD A WANK WHENEVER HE WANTED.
THE END

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remember when jokes like this were funny... before smartphones?

A chap walks into a pub carrying two suitcases. He puts them down and orders a drink. As he pays the barman notices that he is wearing a large watch.

'That's a large watch' says the barman (see I told you!)

'This watch,' says the man, 'is the very latest in high tech gadgetry. It'll te...

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing 'Dancing Queen' on it.

I thought, "That's Abbariginal"

I saw a bloke sobbing uncontrollably at a graveside earlier today. "Why did you have to die, why did you have to die?" he cried, over and over again. I said, "I'm sorry to intrude, but was it someone very close?"

"No not really," he said. "It was the wife's first husband!"

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"My wife's just told me she's been having an affair with Dave the milkman," the bloke from over the road confided with me earlier

"What? That fat ugly fucker I see every morning outside your house?"
"Yes," he laughed, cheering up.
"Why would Dave the milkman want to shag that?"

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A dejected young man boarded a bus and moped up the driver, paid his fair, and trudged to a seat.

The driver tried to cheer him up, "what's wrong mate? you having a bad day? cheer up lad, things'll brighten up" The younger bloke nodded and grimaced a smile, and began to tell the driver of his woe. "I'm 24 and I'm a virgin, I'm not attractive and it
never just seemed to work out with girls, s...

This bloke just came in my workplace shouting "vodka, tequila, sambuca!"

I said "Oi! I call the shots round here!"

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Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower:



Mongrel, Coot and Bluey .

As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife.

Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensiti...

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A bloke notices a gorgeous bird giving him the eye in the supermarket.

"Do I know you?" he asks.
She says, "Aren't you the dad of one of my kids?"
He thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful and says, "Were you the hooker I fucked over the pool table at my bucks night, while your mate spanked me with a piece of wet celery while shoving that ma...

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Two blokes spot a dog licking his testicles

One says to the other, "I wish I could do that"

His mate responds, "You probably could, but he might bite you."

Some bloke started talking to me in the pub last night.

"My mate came off his motorbike today," he said.

"Oh really?" I asked.

"Yes," he replied. "He has slight brain damage, two broken arms and is completely blind in one eye."

"Blimey," I said. "No wonder he came off it then."

An English bloke's gold ran away..

"A u, get back 'ere!" he yelled.

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A bloke is in a queue at the supermarket...

...when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can’t place where he might know her from, so he says “sorry do you know me?”

She re...

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I was in the park with my dog and I said to this bloke

"Would you support another Brexit referendum?"
"Not at all, " he replied. With that my dog bit him.


I carried on and I saw a woman, I asked, "Would you support another Brexit referendum?"
"Never, " she said. My dog bit her as well.


As I carried on I met another man, ...

Some bloke just told me I have no culture

Just because I can name more ninja turtles than renaissance artists.

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A bloke walks into a barber's shop with his 5 yr old daughter.

While he sit's down to get his hair cut, the daughter stands right beside him eating a cupcake.

The barber warns her:
"Sweetheart, you're going to get hair on your muffin."

She looks him in the eye:
"I know. I'm gonna grow tits too."

There's been a local bloke called Carl going around breaking into people's houses for months...

The Police couldn't catch him. The weird thing is he was breaking into people's houses just to ruin their washing machines by putting bricks in them and turning them on!

Anyway, just heard that he was found dead in an alleyway because of a drug overdose... now it's never nice hearing of a dea...

A bloke in a wheelchair stole my camouflage stuff

I told him 'you can hide but you can't run'.

A BLOKE was staggering drunkenly along the side of the road at 2am.

the cops drove up alongside him and demanded to know what he was up to.

“It's all fine, officers,” he assured them. “I’m just off to a lecture.”

“Who the hell gives lectures at this time of night?” asked one of the cops.

“My wife,” said the drunk.

I was attacked last night in the street by a bloke with a power tool.

There I was just minding my own business then BOSCH!

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Some bloke at the bus station hit me with a stick for no reason.

Naturally, I retaliated and beat the living shit out of him.


Just for good measure, I kicked his labrador as well.

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A bloke heads down to a pet shop in search of an animal to give him some company as he gets lonely at home.

He didn't have many friends and wanted a pet to give him purpose. The bloke walks into the pet shop and gets greeted by the cashier

"Good afternoon sir what can I help you with today?"

"I've come to look for a pet to keep me company" The bloke replies.

"Well then I've got jus...

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A group of blokes were down the pub downing a few schooners.

One of the blokes goes "I don't understand. I roll into the garage all quiet. Nice and light on the breaks. Get to the door and gently move the cat. Quietly open the door head inside and shut it with hardly a sound. Take my boots off and tip toe down the hall and slip into bed and every time the wif...

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A bunch of blokes are in a pub and a woman walks past.

1 bloke says to the rest of his mates "i would give her one"

The woman over hears this, turns around and says "I would not have sex with you even if you were the last man on earth"

The bloke replies "who said anything about sex? i was rating you out of 10"

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The other day a bloke offered me a go on his ice rink for 50p.

I thought, "What a fucking cheap skate."

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian, 'Excuse me Miss, dee ye hev any books on suicide?'

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says, 'Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!

A bloke with one leg is at an ATM

A passerby stops and asks, do you need help mate?

the bloke replies: "Nahh mate cheers jus' checkin me balance"

To the asthmatic bloke wearing camo who stole my wallet

You can hide but you can’t run

A bloke I work with says he's dating twins...

I asked him "How do you tell them apart?"
"That's easy..." he says "...Marie's got blonde hair and Brian's got a beard."

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A bloke walks into a pet shop and places a bomb on the counter and says ” you’ve got one minute to get out”

A tortoise in the back shouts ” you bastard!”

Some bloke walked up to the counter and said, "Burger and chips, please."

"Certainly, Sir," I replied. "Are you eating in or taking out?"

"Oh f*ck off you c*nt," he snapped, before walking off with his food.

I love working in the prison canteen

An 80y/o bloke goes to the doctor for his regular checkup.

Doc: "How are you feeling then Mr Tabernackle?" Mr Tabernackle: 'I feel amazing. I just hit a 90 on 18 holes at the club, went for a great swim and my 21 year old wife is pregnant!' Doc: "That's incredible!" Mr Tabernackle: 'Well you don't have to be so astounded. I may be 80 but I keep myself in go...

So I walked into the sea holding a tub of humus and the bloke shouted "What are you doing?"...

I said "I'm taking a dip in the ocean" ...

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3 Blokes

3 blokes sitting in a pub having a pint,an Englishman ,scots man and Irishman
english fella say’s “how’s this work out! My wife’s bought a new car for herself yesterday and she cant even drive “ “yeh I know exactly what you mean say’s the Scotsman, my wife has just gone on a diet and she isn’t e...

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks....

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss he beats it to death with a
spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving...

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An old bloke woke up, to celebrate 92nd birthday...

He spoke to his toes. He said, “Hello toes! How are you? You know, you're 92 today. Oh the times we’ve had! Remember we walked in the park in the summer every Sunday afternoon? The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy Birthday, toes!”

“Hello, knees,” he continued. “How are you? Yo...

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Some bloke got into my taxi today.

After 10 miles we arrived at his destination and I said, "That's £20 please."

He said, "I've only got £10."

"That's bullshit" I said, "It's £20!"

He said, "Can you turn around and take me back 5 miles the other way?"

So I did.

When we got there I said, "That's £30 ...

A bloke on a tractor has just driven past me shouting "the end of the world is nigh!"

I think it was Farmer Geddon.

Some bloke wants to become a lawyer

The guy (lets call him John) has been dreaming about being the greatest lawyer in the state for years, and has spent the past half a decade working super hard at law school to achieve this goal.

One day, he gets an interview for a highly successful law firm called "Anderson and Nelson At Law"...

Little old man on the bus

A little old man gets on a crowded city bus, every seat filled. A tough looking bloke with a lot of prison tattoos is kicking his feet onto the seat opposite him, keeping it from being used.

The little old waddles over says 'scuze me' and pushes the tough bloke's legs off the seat.
...

A bloke keeps ringing me...

and singing Stand and Deliver down the line. I keep telling him he's got the wrong number, but he's adamant.

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Should, shouldn't and misspeaking: Two blokes having a drink..

Bob: "I had a freudian slip the other day."
Norm: Wtf is a freudian slip?
Bob: It's when you mean to say one thing, but your subconcious turns it into something else. For example, I was at a party the other night and a lovely busty young lady was carrying around a bowl of chips offering th...

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I saw a bloke at the beach with a steering wheel on his Willy

I said ‘mate, you know you’ve got a steering wheel on your knob’

He said ‘yeah, it’s driving me nuts’

This bloke said to me

This bloke said to me, "Tim, as a young boy, was your mother very strict with you?" I said, "Let me make one thing absolutely clear. My mother was never a young boy."

A bloke took a couple of stuffed Jack Russell terriers into an antique dealer for appraisal. "What would you expect them to fetch if they were in good condition?", the dealer asked him.

"I don't know... Sticks?"

Did you hear about the two blokes who stole a calendar?

They each got six months.

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An Irish bloke goes to the doctor

and says "Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya wood".
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. "Incredible," he says, "there is a $20 bill lodged up here". Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, only to see another $10 bill appear. "This is...

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Bloke walks into a pub....

Bloke walks into a pub and orders a drink. While he's taking the first sip, he hears a voice go: "Psst! Nice coat."

He turns around to thank this kind soul for the nice comment, but there isn't a soul in sight apart from himself and the man behind the counter; So, the man turns back to his d...

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A bloke walks into a pub with a meat and potato pie balanced on his head

He walks up to barman and says:

'Can I have a pint of bitter, please.'

'Certainly,' says the barman and starts pulling a pint. But he can't resist asking. 'You do realise, sir, you have a meat and potato pie on your head?'

The bloke replies: 'Yes, I always have a meat and potato...

Got stuck behind a tractor on the way to work this morning. The bloke on top wouldn't stop screaming "We're all doomed! The end of the world is nigh! Repent!"

Turned out it was Farmer Geddon

Just seen 4 geezers beating up 1 bloke on his own so I decided to jump in and help

He had no chance against the 5 of us

Two blokes are talking

Two blokes are talking and one says " I slept with my wife before we were married, did you?" The other bloke said " I don't know, what was her maiden name?"

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I walked up to a random ginger bloke today

I asked him “if you had 7 girls numbers in your left pocket and 8 girls numbers in your right pocket what would you have?
“I would have 15 girls phone numbers” he replied
I said “wrong, you would have someone else’s pants on you ginger cunt”

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An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter . . .

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. Bu...

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This bloke was in the street with a stall selling balaclavas.

"Balaclavas! Get your balaclavas!" he shouted. "Ladies and gentlemen, get your balaclavas!"

So I walked up to him and said, "I'm a cop."

He said, "Would you like a balaclava?"

I said, "You didn't hear me right. I'm a cop."

"Yes," he said. "But I supposed you might want to...

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This bloke walks into a bar...

This bloke walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat.
The bloke says "let's have a drink then" the ostrich nods but the cat freaks out an says " ok but I'm definately not paying"
The bloke sighs and gets 3 drinks from the barman sits down with the cat and the ostrich and drinks up.
After...

I was driving along when I saw these two blokes by the road sticking their thumbs out at me.

I didn't stop to talk, but it's nice to be complimented on my driving.

A bloke just walked passed me shouting “you’re a trifle, an absolute gateaux... you’re totally covered in sugar.”

It was all rather unsavoury

Bloke walking down the road with a coffin on his shoulder.

Stops at a house and knocks on the door. “Hello,” he says to the bloke opening the door, “Is this the wife swapping party?”

Who’s the nicest bloke in a hospital?

The ultra-sound guy.

Brian Sullivan, top bloke

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian"

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab,...

The foreign bloke driving my taxi was so uninspired, bless him.

He kept saying "give me direction".

Two blokes are out driving in Saudi Arabia.

The driver has a row of stitches around both his wrists. His mate points at them and says, “I see you won your appeal then...”

I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me ‘Can you give me a lift?’

I said ‘Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.'

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A Farmer in Cornwall see's a bloke drinking from his stream

He shouts, "Wozzon! Ee den wanna be drinkin dat, t'is fulla horse piss an cow shit".

The bloke says "I'm from london and just purchased a property in the village can you speak bit slower please".


The Farmer replies "If - you -use - two - hands - you - won't - spill - any"!!!!!

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Beautiful woman

A bloke is sitting in the bar at a busy airport.

A beautiful woman walks in and sits down next to him.

He presumes, because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off duty flight attendant.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for ...

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Two blokes stranded in the ocean find a genie in a bottle

The genie explains to them that unlike the genies they've heard of and it will grant them one wish, not three.
The first guy immediately jumps up and excitedly yells:
"I wish we were floating on a sea of beer!!"
And in a flash the genie waves his hand and *flash* the two blokes are awash ...

Two bloke sitting in a pub

watching a dog lick its balls.

One turns to the other and says "I wish I could do that."

The second drunk replies "Give him a biscuit and he might let you."

Three blokes come across a castle while wandering the woods..

They knock on the door and an older man answers

The first of the three men ask if there's any place they can spend the night, as it was getting dark out and night was coming soon.

The old man responded to the first man "yes, but I don't like you. You'll have to sleep with the cows." ...

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Did you hear about the bloke who poisoned his wife with a razor blade?

He gave her arse a nick.

Probably doesn't translate well into American English but there you go.

My dad told me this joke over twenty years ago. He said he'd heard Peter Sellers tell it on a street corner.

Don't ask me why Peter Sellers was telling jokes on a street corner. Must...

Five blokes in an Audi Quattro arrived at the ferry checkpoint.

Blonde Tracey, in her brand new uniform, stops them and tells them: "I can't let you on the ferry. It is illegal to have 5 people in a Quattro. Quattro means four. One of you will have to get out and stay behind."

"Quattro is just the name of the car," the driver replies in disbelieve. "Look ...

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