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Gatekeeper Jokes

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Three people want to get into heaven

St Nicholas is the gatekeeper.

He says they must give him something related to Christmas to get in.

The first person reaches into his pockets and pulls out a leaf

St Nick looks confused, and says “How does this relate to Christmas?”

She replied “Mistletoe”, St N...

So Cerberus, the three-headed gatekeeper of hell...

Are we sure he wasn't just a normal dog with two subwoofers?

What did Gozer the Destructor order for his gatekeeper minion at the Italian restaurant?

Pasta fo' Zuul!

A man dies and goes to hell.

As he approaches the gates he is stopped by the gatekeeper who asks for his name. "Joe." he replies. "Well, joe, I've found your name on the list. There are seven levels in hell, but since your only sin was cheating on a science test in the third grade, you will only be in the first level." "Oh, it ...

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A husband dies and goes into limbo for judgement

While there he sees an angel who is the gatekeeper for the gate to heaven. At the gate, the angel says "You have done enough good deeds in your life for me to grant passage into heaven." "But first, I want you to spell out a word for me, and if you get it correct, I can let you enter." The man says ...

Three men approached the gate to heaven.....

Three men approached the gate to heaven and as there was only one opening left, the gatekeeper said that whoever had the most remarkable and worthy death could enter. He asked the first man how he died, and the man replied, "Imagine this -- I suspected my wife was having an affair behind my back and...

a man dies and goes to heaven.

he arrives at the gate of heaven and sees 60 people baking stuff. some whisking eggs and some mixing batter. he is confused so before he goes in he asked the gatekeeper;”why are those people cooking instead of enjoying heaven?” the gatekeeper replies;”well they have bad karma from their time on eart...

Three nuns die in a car crash, and get sent up to the pearly gates of heaven. The gatekeeper sees them, and decides to have a little fun in deciding whether they may enter heaven, by giving them questions about the Bible. He explains this, and the first nun steps up to answer her question.

Gatekeeper: What were the names of the first two humans on earth?

Nun 1: Ooh, that's an easy one. Adam and Eve, of course.

The gates opened and the first nun walked in.

Gatekeeper: Next question: What fruit did Adam and Eve eat?

Nun 2: Ooh, that's an easy one. An apple,...

A lawyer approached the Pearly Gates of Heaven

“I’m only 45 years old! Why is it already my time to depart? Send me back to Earth right now or I’ll sue you!” he angrily snapped to the gatekeeper.

“Based to the records of your billable hours, Mr. Lawyer, you’re 98 years old.”, replied the gatekeeper.

3 Nuns at the Pearly Gates (very mildly NSFW)

3 nuns are in a bus in Colombia, which due to budget cuts breaks it's axle, rolls over, and kills them all. When they come to, they realize that the three of them are in a cloud-filled place standing in front of an elderly man at a dais, behind whom are enormous, gold-plated gates, which at the mom...

Barrier To Entry

The fencing community is having trouble with gatekeepers.

A priest walks into a hotel

A priest walked into a hotel in the month of march and asked the manager- "is room no. 39 empty?

Manager- yes it's empty. You can take it

Priest: ok

Manager: And yes my room right in front of room 39 so if you face any difficulties just call me

Priest: ok and pls send a k...

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Three Nuns Die and go to Heaven...

They stand before the gatekeeper, who welcomes them to the pearly gates. He looks them all over quickly and says,

"Listen, I know you've all broken the code of Nuns at least once or twice, so I'll make you a deal. If you wash everywhere a man's penis has touched you in this Holy Water, you ...

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3 nuns are in line at the gates of heaven

The gatekeeper tells the first nun in line that, in order to enter the kingdom of heaven, she will need to cleanse herself with holy water from any place she touched a penis, for it was a sin. She nodded and proceeded to cleanse her hands in a fountain of holy water nearby. The 3rd nun in line is tr...

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Three men arive at the gates of heaven

There they meet the gate keeper who informs the that heaven has been getting a little full recently and that he is only alowed to open the gates for people who have died terrible deaths and that he would need to hear their story.

The first man steps forward and says: i came home early from wo...

First Jewish President

The first Jewish president becomes elected in the United States. After a couple months in office, he decides to fly his mother up for a visit from her retirement home in Florida.

A limo arrives at the mother's door to pick her up, and she is driven to the airport where Air Force One is waitin...

Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.

He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself.
However, the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper.
St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we've been ad...

Me at the pearly gates

Gatekeeper: hello, have you had a fulfilling life?

Me: Yes, thank you

GK: What was the nicest thing you did in your life?

Me:....
GK: You must have done something great! You have made it here.

Me: Oh, one time I gave a beggar some spare change.

GK: Anything else...

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A bad man arrives at hell...

He looks around and there's *grass* everywhere! He asks the demon gatekeeper about it and he's told, "the Mormons are irrigating again."

There are three doors at the entrance to hell, and he's told by the demon to choose one to spend eternity behind. "Can I look to see what's behind them," as...

A sodomizer, an alcoholic, a thief and a drug addict await judgment in Hell...

The gatekeeper of Hell says, "Each of you are here because you let your addiction get the best of you. But I'm giving all of you a second chance, prove me wrong and I will drag you back to Hell!". Just like that the sodomizer, alcoholic, businessman and drug addict are teleported back to Earth.
...

A Rich Man Dies and Finds Himself At Heaven's Gate

Rich Man: Where am I? And who are you?

St. Peter: Why I'm St. Peter, the gatekeeper of Heaven. What is your name?

Rich Man: Richy Rich.

St. Peter: Alright let me see here (gets out the book of life) Richy...Rich... Ah! Here we are! You seemed to have amassed a great amount of we...

three men walk up to the gates of heaven,

the gatekeeper asks each man to describe how he died.



the first man walks up to the gate keeper and says:

'i was concerned my wife was cheeting on me so one day i said i was going to work, walked outside our appartment then walked back in saying i had forgotten somthing. i look...

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Heaven's New Rule

Heaven is getting a little crowded, so God decides to have a new rule. The new rule is that no one can get into heaven from now on unless they had a really bad death. God explains this to all the angels, including St. Peter, who is the gatekeeper of heaven.

So St. Peter is waiting at the gat...

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Pink Clouds

Every time I this joke, I always tell it replacing the "Guy 1," "Guy 2," etc. with friends' names. It's much funnier that way, but tell it however you wish. That's the great thing about it; you can change it to fit whoever you're telling it to, doesn't have to be about a pub. I once told it where my...

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Heavenly confusion

One beautiful sunny day in Heaven, St Peter the gatekeeper, the bouncer of heaven; is mildly surprised to see 3 men pop up before him at the very same time.

St Peter pulls out his notebook that contains all the names of of people allowed in, and says:

"OK, since you cant bring earthly ...

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