Guard Dog Jokes - 30 Hilarious Guard Dog Jokes

A young couple's house gets burgled, so they decide to get a guard dog...

The wife goes to a pet shop and tells the owner "I'd like to see the toughest guard dog you've got!"

The owner answers "I've got just the dog for you!". He presents to her to a tiny chihuahua called Roxy.

"Sure he's cute, but can he really guard a home?" she asks skeptically.

"L...

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A man and his new guard dog

A guy and his dog walk into a bar. The guy orders a beer and the dog flops down on the floor and immediately starts licking its butt. "This is my new attack dog," the guy tells the bartender. "He's very dangerous." The bartender looks at the dog that is still flopped down, panting, licking. "He does...

I've bought the best guard dog.

I've spent the past 3 days trying to get back into my house.

A couple decide that they need a guard dog

So the guy goes to a pet shop and says to one of the employees “I need a guard dog to protect my apartment”

The employee responds “I have the perfect dog for you”, she then showed him a chihuahua. The man was not impressed and said “I need a dog that can guard our house and fend off burglars,...

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Thinking about getting a guard dog and calling him Kenny Doggins

Any unwelcome vistors will be stepping right into the Danger Zone.

A man has been robbed so he goes to the pet store to get a guard dog.

When he gets to the pet store he explains what he wants to the owner.

Owner: wait here for me. I’ve exactly what you’re looking for!

The man waits and a few minutes later the owner returns with an adorable puppy.

Man: I don’t think you understood, I want a dog that can protect m...

I just got a new guard dog. He's blind, can't hear, and has no teeth. The bad guys aren't afraid of him, and he doesn't do anything to justify his existence.

In fact, he's sort of like the Federal Trade Commission's "Do Not Call List".

Oh wait...gotta go. My phone is ringing again.

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A wife asks her husband to buy a guard dog for their house.

The husband goes to the pet store and asks the clerk for a guard dog.

"I'm sorry," says the clerk. "We're all out of guard dogs. But we do have a guard cat."

"A guard cat?" says the confused husband.

"Yes," replies the clerk. "Allow me to explain." He puts a carpet on the floor ...

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A man walks into a bar and sees a 5 gallon jug filled with $20 bills...

He sits at the bar and asks the bartender about it. The bartender replies,

"It's the $20 challenge. You put a $20 into the jar, complete a set of three challenges, and if you win you take home the entire jar!"

The man looked at it and asked what the challenges were, because that much m...

[Long] Rupert the dog

A woman is in a pet shop looking for a protector for her home. She sees a variety of animals from talking birds, to pitbulls and even exotic cats. Being well off, she decides to ask the shopkeep what the best available was.

“Ah! Yes you must be interested in Rupert!” the shopkeep says excite...

Karate Dog

There once was a young couple who lived in a town filled with crime. After three neighbors' houses had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog.
So one day the wife went to the pet store and said, “I need a good guard dog.”

And the clerk replied, “Sorry, we're all sold out. All...

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So this lady has a husband who travels a lot on work

She is worried about her safety, being alone at home all the time, and she decides to get herself a guard dog.
She goes to the kennel and asks for the most ferocious dog they have.
“That would be Mike Tyson” says the kennel owner. He goes out back and returns with a tiny little pug trotting ...

A man walks into a pet store...

...and says I need a dog. The store owner says “sounds good—what kind of demeanor are you looking for?”

The man replies “well I need a guard dog, so da meaner da better.”

Colonel comes up to the guard post and asks if anything happened during the last shift

"Nothing much sir" says the private on duty "just the spade handle got broken"
"And what were you doing with the spade that it broke, private?"
"Just burying the guard dog, sir"
"What happened to the guard dog, private?"
"It was run over by the firetruck."
"What bloody firetruck?"
...

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A man walks in a bar...

A man walks in a bar, and sees a jar of money on top of the bar. He asked the bartender "What's that money for?". The bartender tell him "that's the pot". The bartender pours the man a drink and begins to tell him about the jar. The bartender says "You put $20 in the jar and you have a chance to win...

My alarm system kept breaking down

The alarm system kept breaking down so, instead of repairing it I decided to get a guard dog instead.

I went to the pet store and the shopkeeper showed me a lot of breeds to choose from. A Rottweiler, a German Shepherd, A Doberman, but there was this one tiny little pug that caught my eye. I...

This was a favorite of my deceased stepfather...

A housewife is living in the inner-city during a crime wave and is concerned for her safety. She phones her husband, a travelling salesman, and lets her know that she's so scared she wants to purchase a guard dog. The husband agrees that it would be a great idea and she makes plans to go to the pe...

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A man is walking by a bar one evening

When he sees a sign in the window with the words “FREE Beer for a year! Inquire within!”
The man, having nothing better to do, decides go in:

“Hey, you’ve got a sign out there talking about free beer, what’s that all about?”

(The bartender)”Oh yeah, I put that up a couple of days ...

What has...

four legs, one arm and a big smile?
.
.
.
A really happy guard dog...

Animals can’t do nothing

On a farm, a fox slinks towards a henhouse. He wuickly jumps a chicken, then freezes. A guard dog is staring at him. The chicken is alive in his grasp and begs the fox to let him go. The fox begs the guard dog to let him go. The dog asks them both why they must kill each other to survive. They resol...

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I stop and rest on a park bench....

After a while a blind old black man come and sits next to me with his guard dog, he keeps cursing and grunting so i ask him whats wrong "ahh my blasted wife has been cheating on me with my neighbour and shes taking half the house in the divorce, i didnt see it coming" he says, i chuckle a little at ...

Some guys are talking about pets...

They get to talking about how good big dogs are because they can make good guard dogs.

One of the guys says "I preferred my old chihuahua pebbles better. And no other dog made me feel safer! He died killing a rabid full grown doberman for me!"

The other guys are confused and ask how th...

A man prepares his donkey and dog for a long journey up a mountain.

He places a pack straddle on the donkey’s back and fills everything to maximum weight. Because of the weight, he decides to pull the donkey along so that it does not become tired as easily. The man, donkey, and his guard dog now begin the long trip up a mountain to get to the other side.

Hour...

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An oldie, but a goodie. [NSFW] [Long]

A man walks into a bar and sees a jar filled with $100 bills lying on the counter. From the looks of it, there's at least ten grand in the jar. He asks the bartender about it. "It's part of a bet we've got going on," the bartender tells him. "You place $100 in the jar, and then you have to complete ...

So a gentleman walks into a bar...

after a long day of work, and decides to drink his problems away. After awhile he gets pretty drunk and the bartender decides to mess with him a little to have fun. So he asks the man, "hey pal, you wanna make some money?" to which the drunken man replies "of course!". "Ok," the bartender explains, ...

Just a broken shovel

After being away from his base for a while, the base commander returns and asks his deputy if anything important happened while he was away.

"A handle on a shovel broke", said the deputy.

The commander was slightly confused why he is being told such everyday things, but commented: "Wel...

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Guy walks into a bar joke.....

A man who is down in the dumps walks into a bar. He tells the bar tender how is wife was cheating on him and in the divorce he got screwed out of everything and has no money, no house, nothing but the clothes on his back. He then asks the bar tender what it would take for him to drink free for the n...

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A pint, a dog and an old lady

A guy goes into a bar and as he orders a drink he notices a jar at the end of the bar full of money. He says to the barman "what's that about?" to which the barman replies "you pay a tenner and have to complete 3 challenges, if you are successful you win all the money in the jar. Would you like to t...

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The bar bet

A man walks into a bar to find a bottle full of 50 dollar bills on the table. He asks the bartender what the deal is to which he replies "give me 50 dollars and I'll tell you." The man decides it's not worth it and orders a drink. After he's had a few, the man is a little tipsy and getting more a...

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A bar contest goes awry

A businessman from out of town comes across a secluded bar on the outskirts of the city he's visiting, so he stops in for a drink. While at the bar he notices a large a shot glass the size of a water bucket filled with twenty dollar bills. Curious, the man motions for the bartender, "What's the stor...

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