Golfers Jokes - 45 Hilarious Golfers Jokes

Two golfers...

Two golfers were having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course. They didn't bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette.

After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man sai...

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A joke for married golfers

Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay? What's your name?"

"It's John, and I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pu...

A joke about golfers.

Two men were playing golf one afternoon when just as they are about to play an important putt on the final hole for the match a large funeral procession passes by on the road at the side of the golf course. One of the men stops in mid putt, removes his cap, bows his head in prayer. The second man re...

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him.

Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?

George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighte...

For golfers only

A man is playing so badly that he says to his caddy, “I’m done with it all. I’m going to jump in that lake and kill myself.”
Caddy replies, “do you think you’ll be able to keep you head down that long, sir?”

Why do golfers bring extra socks?

In case they get a hole in one.

What's a golfers' favorite type of music?

Swing.

Two golfers are having a conversation in the clubhouse.

They are discussing the possibility of there being water on Mars. Things are getting heated.

The first golfer says, "There's definitely water on Mars!" He proceeds to rattle off information from NASA and recent observations from the Mars rover.

The second golfer exclaims, "That's BS. T...

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A group of golfers get stuck behind a really slow group

Four golfers (a doctor, a lawyer, a priest, and an engineer) are stuck behind a really slow group of golfers. They start to get frustrated, so they call up the course's pro.

"Hey, how come you're letting guys like this on the course? They're hitting their balls all over the place, spending wa...

Two lady golfers

1st Lady Golfer: You know, last time I was here a bee stung me between the first and second holes.

2nd Lady Golfer: That's because your stance is too wide.

Charity for golfers

A guy walks into a bar and notices a money jar by the tap. "What's the jar for?" the guy asks. "We're raising funds to help golfers who absolutely hate putting," the bartender replies. "Feel free to chip in."

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What's the difference between golfers and skydivers?

Golfers go *whack* "Shit!"

Skydivers go "Shit!" *whack*

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Old Woman

An old lady is walking down the street carrying 2 large sacks and one is leaking $20 bills.

A cop stops her and asks "Where did an old lady like you get all that money?" and she replied,

Well you see I live behind a golf course and when the golfers need to pee they stick their penis in...

Montana State Golfer Warning

The Montana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising golfers to take extra precautions, and be on the alert for bears while playing on Gallatin, Helena, and Lewis and Clark National Forest’s golf courses.

They advise golfers to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on th...

What time do golfers wake up to go golfing?

Foooooour

Two strangers get paired up golfing

They’re both pretty avid golfers, so they’re playing a speedy round.

They play through a couple groups and end up behind a couple ladies further up the fairway.

The one chap decides to walk up and ask if they can play through. About halfway towards them, he stops dead and turns aroun...

Two men golfing...

Two guys are trying to get in a quick eighteen holes, but there are two terrible lady golfers in front of them hitting the ball everywhere but where it’s supposed to go.

The first guy says, “Why don’t you go over and ask if we can play through?” The second guy gets about halfway there, turns ...

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Three elderly golfers are walking down the fairway...

Three elderly golfers are walking down the fairway.

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old, "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time nothing happens."

"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old. "When you're 70, you don't have a bowel movement anymore. ...

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The world's two worst golfers are playing golf. The first one hits it all the way to the left. The second one hits it all the way to the right. The first guy goes to pick up his ball and sees that it hit a buttercup. Suddenly, Mother Nature pops up out of the ground in all her glory...

Mother Nature says "You, you horrible golfer! You hit a buttercup! One of nature's most beautiful creations. As punishment, you can never have butter again!"

The golfer is obviously upset by this and he turns away so Mother Nature won't see. Suddenly, he starts laughing.

"What's so fu...

What dessert do golfers eat?

Parfait

another golfer

So a guy is playing golf with his wife. They\`re on the 12th hole and the guy slices his tee shot right into the woods.

He trudges into the woods, and locates his ball. It\`s in a little clearing, but there is a big barn between him and the green.

He takes a good look, and says, "Lis...

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Golfers

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her
ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped, his hands together
at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
...

Golfers wife has a heart attack

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack!

"Help me dear," she groans to her husband.

The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the gree...

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Why are Golfers so good at sex?

They’re great at foreplay.

All golfers are a fan of Cardi B...

When they swing the club it goes *WAP*

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a £20 fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag.”

“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.
“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”
“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my back garden is ...

Why do golfers love doughnuts?

Always a hole-in-one!

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Why are golfers like virgins?

They are both forever chasing the hole in one.

A Golfers dream

Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball. "Don't you have at least one other golf ball?", he asked. The other guy replied that no, he only needed the one. "Are you sure?", the friend persisted. "What happens if you l...

Two men are playing golf

Two men are playing golf and they're stuck behind 2 of the worst and slowest golfers they'd ever seen.

After several holes, the one guy has had enough. He stomps up over the hill to tell them to play faster, let them play through, or get the hell off the golf course!

He comes back a mo...

How do most elderly golfers die?

They have a bad stroke

Golfers

Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in contemplation.

His opponent comments: "That must be the most touching thing I’ve ever...

What do golfers put in their packed lunches...?

...Sand wedges

Top golfers are the worst lovers...

...two-three strokes and they're done!

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Stan and Dave, two avid golfers were on the 7th hole one day

And a large funeral procession passed by on the nearby road.
Stan interrupted his putting, respectively took of his hat and lowered his head as the hearse and mourners cars passed.
Dave very surprised at this, followed suit, admiring his friend's actions.
When it had passed, Dave said "Stan...

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Another joke for married golfers

"Honey," asked the wife. "What would you do if I died?"

"Why dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?"

"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.

"No, of course not, dear" said the husband.

"Don't you like being married?" asked ...

Did you hear that actress Tuesday Weld was involved in a love triangle with golfers Davis Love The Third and Don January?

She became pregnant and didn’t know whose kid it was so she named it Tuesday January The Third.

Thr golfer

Sorry if previously posted but one of my favorites still and I didn't see if after a brief search.

An old guy is about to marry a young hot girl and tells her he wants no secrets between them.
He says, "I am a golfer. I eat, sleep, dream and live for golf.

She admires his hones...

Frank, Ron, and Steve, all avid golfers, die and meet Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates…

Saint Peter says “Behind these gates is the most beautiful golf course you could ever imagine, all you need is a set of clubs.”

Saint Peter turns to Frank and asks, “How many times did you cheat on your spouse?” Frank, ashamed of himself, answers “About a dozen times.”

“Tsk tsk” mumbl...

Golfers.. After Valentine’s day

After Valentine's day..

Golfers........ !!!

At dawn the telephone rings...

"Hello, Señor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country
house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Rod, ...

What are golfers afraid off?

The bogeyman

A threesome of golfers approaches the tee...

The first golfer is Jesus. Jesus takes a swing and the ball sails directly into the water. Jesus' ball doesn't sink, and he walks across the water's surface and takes his second swing. The ball drops on the green.

The second golfer is Moses. He takes a mighty whack at the ball, but it also la...

What do golfers do on their days off?

Putter around.

Why did the golfers wife call for help when he hit the ball out of bounds?

Because he stroked out!

An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf

at the new course and heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house. As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

COLD BEER: $5.00 HAMBURGER: $10.00 CHEESEBURGER: $15.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH : $18.50 hand-jobs: $250.00

Checking hi...

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