What was the name of Schrodinger's cat?

InterMittens.

I’m crocheting some mittens for my daughter and the needlework is driving me mad.

Oh well, it’s a labour of glove.

Mittens keeping it cool.

A man dies, goes to heaven, stands before St. Peter, and see a huge wall of clocks. The man asks what all the clocks are for and St. Peter explains, "These are lie clocks. Everyone on earth has a lie clock. Every time a person lies, the clock hands move."

Pointing to one, the man says, "Whose...

Some of my friends have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves...

...but I don't like to point fingers...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dog, Mitten, ate two shuttlecocks this morning.

"*Bad* Mitten!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pussy and Bitch

A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem."

She says, "Tell me."

He tells her that the boys at school are using two words he doesn't understand.

She asks him what they are?

He says, "Well, pussy and bitch."

She says, "Oh that's no bi...

What do you get if you mix a cat with wool?

Mittens

What was the last thing Helen Keller said before she died?

Nothing, she was wearing mittens.

What did the kid with no arms get for Christmas?

Mittens!
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.
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.
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Just kidding, he’s still trying to open his present.

My cat just passed...

RIP Fluffy McMittens

2002-2003 2003-2005 2005-2007 2007-2008 2008-2011 2011-2013 2013-2014 2014-2015 2015-2017

Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell.

Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell. The next day, the devil stops to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats, warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?"

The two guys reply, "Well, you k...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy moves away from home to go to college.

He lives in a dorm, so he had to leave his cat behind.

One day he calls home and his little brother answers. He asks what's new.

His brother says, "Mittens died."

"Holy shit. Why did you just blurt it out like that?"

"What do you mean?"

"You could have broken it ...

Why couldn't anyone hear Hellen Keller scream?

She was wearing mittens.

Why weren't there any famous gun slingers in the Canadian West?

Because they all wore mittens.

A teacher was helping one of her pupils put on his boots...

He had asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling, and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.

By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.'
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man wants to buy his wife a gift.

He decides to get her a brand new pair of gloves, as she's been complaining about her old ones. After doing some research, he finds the only glover in town, and drives over.

When he arrives at the store, he is blown away by all the different types of gloves. Sitting in stacks, he sees leather...

Best cat jokes lmao

Why don't cats play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.

What is a cat's way of keeping law & order? Claw Enforcement.

Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of wool? She had mittens.

What do you call the cat that was caught by the police? The purrpatrator.
...

Cat jokes

#10

 

Why does a tiger tell the truth?

Because he isn't a lion.

 #9 

If there are ten cats on a boat and one jumps off, how many cats are left on the boat?

None! They were copy cats!

 #8 

Why did the cat run from the tree?

Because it was...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW Buggy Ride.

An Amish Mother and Daughter are riding in the buggy home from the market one crisp Autumn day when the Daughter says her hands are cold as she has forgotten her mittens, the Mother being wise tells her to place them between her thighs and it will warm them up.The next day a male suitor comes callin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A struggling music producer is having trouble selling any of his work, and in his desperation decides to do the score for a low budget porno movie.

It’s not the most glamorous job, but hey, it’s gonna pay the bills, so he really puts a lot of effort into making the best damn low budget porno soundtrack ever. After a lot of hard work, the movie is finally done and the producer gets his check in the mail along with a complimentary ticket to see t...

Did you hear about the new heated children's gloves that would turn on and off without warning?

Did you hear about the new heated children's gloves that would turn on and off without warning?

They worked inter-mitten-ly

The World Tour

A wealthy man and his wife had been wanting to go on a world tour for a long time, with the only thing preventing them from doing so being the wife's devotion to their cat, Mittens. She simply could not bear the thought of being away from Mittens for a couple of months while they go and visit all th...

How do mute people tell each others secrets?

They put on mittens.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is cold?

What is cold?
(note: to get the temperature into Fahrenheit: multiply by 9, divide by 5, then add 32)

+10°C
The inhabitants of Helsinki (Finland) turn off their heating.
The Laps (inhabitants of Lapland) plant flowers.

+5°C
The Laps take a sun-bath (if the sun gets over the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dog Syndrome keeps jumping up on people.

Down, Syndrome!

(I blame [this joke](http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/i6d96/my_dog_mitten_ate_two_shuttlecocks_this_morning/) for dredging this up from my memory)

MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.

Mittens, if you're reading this, please come home.

Did you hear about the cat that ate a ball of yarn?

She had a litter of mittens.

Pinocchio had 2 pets.

He had a cat named mittens and a dog named champ. He also had a wood pecker.

What do you call on-again off-again snow in Michigan?

Inter-mitten.

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