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Mitten Jokes

Why did the hand and the mitten get married?

Because it was glove at first sight.

What do you call a new mitten manufacturing company formed by a U.S. senator?

Bernie's Handers.

Mittens keeping it cool.

A man dies, goes to heaven, stands before St. Peter, and see a huge wall of clocks. The man asks what all the clocks are for and St. Peter explains, "These are lie clocks. Everyone on earth has a lie clock. Every time a person lies, the clock hands move."

Pointing to one, the man says, "Whose...

Why couldn't anyone hear Hellen Keller scream?

She was wearing mittens.

Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell.

Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell. The next day, the devil stops to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats, warming themselves around the fire.
The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?"

The two guys reply, "Well, yo...

What do you call a faceless sock puppet?

A mitten.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dog, Mitten, ate two shuttlecocks this morning.

"*Bad* Mitten!"

I’m crocheting some mittens for my daughter and the needlework is driving me mad.

Oh well, it’s a labour of glove.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Quick learner

A sexy woman went on a week-long business trip leaving her husband to take care of the house. Before she left, she told him to take special care of Mittens, her cat.
After a long exhausting flight, she checked into her hotel and then immediately called home to see if Mittens was okay…
Her hu...

Some of my friends have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves...

...but I don't like to point fingers...

A man hires a dyslexic hitman and comes home to find his tabby, Mittens, murdered.

Understandably upset he calls the hitman to find out what happened.


“What the hell did I pay you for? My wife is still here and now our little pet is dead. Did you even read my instructions?”


“What are you talking about I did exactly as…Ohhhhh. I thought you wanted me to off t...

I started a new diet this week. I now abstain from eating any food while I put my mittens on in the winter.

I call it inter-mitten fasting.

My friend Jason invited me to spend a week with him and his family at their ski lodge.

I wanted to bring gifts. For him, a felt hat. For her felt mittens. For the kids, felt-tipped markers.

I like to make my presents felt.

How does Bernie Sanders stay so slim?

Inter-mitten fasting.

What happened to the cat after she swallowed a ball of yarn?

She had mittens.

During World War 2, the Germans on the front line put up a sign "Gott Mit Uns"

The English replied with a sign of their own "We got mittens too"

Real story.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pussy and Bitch

A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem."

She says, "Tell me."

He tells her that the boys at school are using two words he doesn't understand.

She asks him what they are?

He says, "Well, pussy and bitch."

She says, "Oh that's no bi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Post office workers are going through the mail and find a letter addressed simply To Santa

Since they've nowhere to send it to, they open the letter and find the most tragic childish scribbling:

"Dear Santa,
My name is Timmy and I live in an orphanage. I have no mom or dad. We have barely any heating and it gets very cold. I know you are very busy, but could you please send me a...

A kindergarten student was having trouble putting on his boots, and asked his teacher for help.

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. Finally they got both boots on. She grimaced when the little boy said, "They're on the wrong feet."
Sure enough, they were. The teacher kept her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the co...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man wants to buy his wife a gift.

He decides to get her a brand new pair of gloves, as she's been complaining about her old ones. After doing some research, he finds the only glover in town, and drives over.

When he arrives at the store, he is blown away by all the different types of gloves. Sitting in stacks, he sees leather...

What did the kid with no arms get for Christmas?

Mittens!
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Just kidding, he’s still trying to open his present.

My cat just passed...

RIP Fluffy McMittens

2002-2003 2003-2005 2005-2007 2007-2008 2008-2011 2011-2013 2013-2014 2014-2015 2015-2017

Canadian Gunslingers

Why were there no gunslingers in the Canadian Old West?

I don't know but it couldn't of been because of their mittens.

What was the name of Schrodinger's cat?

InterMittens.

What was the last thing Helen Keller said before she died?

Nothing, she was wearing mittens.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy moves away from home to go to college.

He lives in a dorm, so he had to leave his cat behind.

One day he calls home and his little brother answers. He asks what's new.

His brother says, "Mittens died."

"Holy shit. Why did you just blurt it out like that?"

"What do you mean?"

"You could have broken it ...

Did you hear about the new heated children's gloves that would turn on and off without warning?

Did you hear about the new heated children's gloves that would turn on and off without warning?

They worked inter-mitten-ly

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’ve been asked to name and shame all those horrible people..

..that have been taking the piss out of me for wearing mittens, but I’m not going to point fingers.

What do you call on-again off-again snow in Michigan?

Inter-mitten.

Why weren't there any famous gun slingers in the Canadian West?

Because they all wore mittens.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dog Syndrome keeps jumping up on people.

Down, Syndrome!

(I blame [this joke](http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/i6d96/my_dog_mitten_ate_two_shuttlecocks_this_morning/) for dredging this up from my memory)

How do deaf people tell each other secrets ?

They wear mittens.

Pinocchio had 2 pets.

He had a cat named mittens and a dog named champ. He also had a wood pecker.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Sami temperature scale

(ed: the Sami are an indigineous people living in the northern parts of Scandinavia, also called Lapland)

+10°C: Inhabitants of Helsinki turn off the heat. The Sami plant flowers.

+5°C: If the sun rises over the horizon, it's sunbathing time for the Sami

+2°C: Italian cars won't...

MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.

Mittens, if you're reading this, please come home.

Best cat jokes lmao

Why don't cats play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.

What is a cat's way of keeping law & order? Claw Enforcement.

Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of wool? She had mittens.

What do you call the cat that was caught by the police? The purrpatrator.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW Buggy Ride.

An Amish Mother and Daughter are riding in the buggy home from the market one crisp Autumn day when the Daughter says her hands are cold as she has forgotten her mittens, the Mother being wise tells her to place them between her thighs and it will warm them up.The next day a male suitor comes callin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A struggling music producer is having trouble selling any of his work, and in his desperation decides to do the score for a low budget porno movie.

It’s not the most glamorous job, but hey, it’s gonna pay the bills, so he really puts a lot of effort into making the best damn low budget porno soundtrack ever. After a lot of hard work, the movie is finally done and the producer gets his check in the mail along with a complimentary ticket to see t...

Cat jokes

#10

 

Why does a tiger tell the truth?

Because he isn't a lion.

 #9 

If there are ten cats on a boat and one jumps off, how many cats are left on the boat?

None! They were copy cats!

 #8 

Why did the cat run from the tree?

Because it was...

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