The 40+ Best Get Dressed Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was having sex with my friend's wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.

She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me...

Before our night out, my wife said that she didn't want me to get dressed up.

No point arguing with her.

So I slipped into my suit and tie while lying on the floor.

Every time you get dressed, remember:

If you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why Do People Help Each Other Undress Before Sex, But Not Help Each Get Dressed After Sex?

Because nobody wants to help anyone once they're fucked

How did old nuns learn to get dressed so quickly?

They got in the habit.

A young man decides to get dressed up and go to the local bar

He gets a nice new suit, a haircut, a good shave, and walks into the bar feeling pretty confident. Unfortunately, all the women at the bar are giving him the cold shoulder treatment.

He looks across the bar and sees an old guy who's really fat, balding, wearing some cruddy jeans and white t-...

Mrs. Johnson

There was a lady who was cheating on her husband with a boyfriend. One day while they were getting intimate she hears her husband pull into the driveway. Her boyfriend says "oh no! What should we do?!" She says "hurry! Get dressed and go to the living room!" Once they're in the living room she start...

A husband and wife get up on Sunday morning.

After breakfast, the wife notices that her husband isn't dressed for church.

"Why aren't you dressed for church?"

"Simple. I'm not going."

"Why not?"

"Well, I'll give you three pretty good reasons why I'm not going. First of all, the church is cold in the morning. It's ju...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mail carrier is about to retire…

So he puts a note in all of his mailboxes letting people know that his last day would be at the end of the week.

On his last day, neighbors were showering him with gifts and praise for his many years of faithful service.

As he approaches a house in his route, he realizes that he’s ne...

A farmer moved into town

After getting settled in the new town, a farmer went to church for the first time. He found that the people in the church gossiped and shunned him for his poor appearance. After the service, the preacher went to the farmer and told him that "In this town, we get dressed up for church."
"But I...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady dwarf goes to her gynecologist for her annual check up.

"Any issues or concerns?", asks the Dr.

"Well, now that you mention it, I have noticed that when it rains, my labia gets a bit red and sore."

"That's very unusual", says the Doc, "Hop up on table and let me take a look."

She does, and after a few minutes of checking he says she ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was having an affair with a married woman.

The man had a romantic evening at her place and were about to have sex. Suddenly there is a knock at the door.

The woman tells the man “My husband is here. Collect your clothes and get out from the window.”

The man did not have time to get dressed and he is naked outside on the road an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Happy Monsoon!

A lady was having an affair.
One rainy day she was in bed with her BF when she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
'OMG - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window.
BF: It's raining out there!'

Lady: 'If my hubby catches us, he'll kill us!.

BF jumps out of t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room

The Doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and seeming a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed," she replied.

"Strip down to your waist," the Doctor said.

She did.

He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and r...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two guys are getting ready for a costume party...

But there's a catch: The host said they have to get dressed up as 'emotions.'

So the first guy goes home and sticks his dick in a pear.

The second guy goes home and sticks his dick in a big bowl of custard.

They show up at the party together and knock on the door. The host opens...

I came home to find my girlfriend in bed with my best friend

I told her she had two minutes to get dressed and get out of my life.

Then I turned to my best friend and said, "Bad dog! Bad, bad, bad!"

Three blondes

Three blondes are driving down the street in a little car and get in an accident in which they all die. They awake to find themselves at the gates of Heaven, with Saint Peter smiling sweetly. He welcomes them and announces "ladies, before me I have the book of life. In it, i can see you've done some...

A person gets hit by a bicycle.

So this person wakes up, as usual, to get ready to go to work. They do their normal routine: brush teeth, eat breakfast, get dressed, etc... On their way to work, they get hit by a bicycle.

The next day, the same thing happens. Get ready for work, leave, get hit by a bicycle. This goes on for...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman went into a doctor's office with a baby. She's taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor. The doctor examines the baby, and finds him not gaining much weight and asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?" "Oh...he is breast fed!", replied the woman.

"Well then, strip down to your waist," orders the doctor. She takes off her top and bra and sits on the examining table. The doc starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and thorough examination. The doc motions to her to get dressed, then the doctor s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman is getting out of the shower when she hears a knock at the door

“It’s the blind man!”

She thinks to herself, oh he’s blind I don’t have to get dressed as he can’t see me

She goes to open the door and asks him what he wants

He smiles, walks in the house and says

“Lovely pair of tits you’re spotting there, where woul...

What did one tonsil say to the other?

You better get dressed, the doctor is going to take us out tonight.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Miraculous Statue

One morning two priests are showering and they realize they did not bring any soap. Father Bob decides he'll run back for the soap. He checks out the hallway, no one is around so rather than get dressed he decides to make a run for it. He checks the hall before heading back to the showers, all clear...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One guy is in bed with a woman, when he hears her husband's footsteps

The woman tells him to get his clothes and jump out the window. He complains because it's raining a lot but, having to other option, he jumps out and falls in the middle of the street, where a marathon is taking place.

Trying to go unnoticed, he joins the runners and starts running too. Every...

A wealthy old man spots an attractive lady at the grocery store and approaches her with an offer.

He says, "Ma'am, you are very beautiful, and I would love to give you $1,000."
The woman, surprised and flattered, says, "That's very kind of you, but what would I have to do?"
The old man says, "Just follow me home, take off all your clothes, pick the money up off the floor, and then you ca...

A Husband was a bit embarrassed and told the Doctor he had trouble getting an Erection with his Wife and she was getting frustrated.

The Doc checked the man's blood pressure and other vitals, then after a thorough examination said he wanted to check with the Wife.

He took Her to another cubicle and asked her to disrobe.

Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly.

She did as instructed.

He then ...

I remember when I was younger lying there in bed waiting for Santa to come..

I also remember the awkward silence while waiting for him to get dressed and leave.

Today is International Women's Day.

It was supposed to be yesterday, but they took longer than expected to get dressed.

My friend never told me why he put his salad and ranch next to each other in the fridge

He said it was rude to watch the salad get dressed

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Clean Habits

Maybe an oldie but a goodie...

Two young nuns were fresh out of the convent when they've been assigned to a rectory that is being remodeled.

"Your first assignment is to repaint the offices. But it's very important that you don't get any paint on your brand new habit." The nuns discus...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jewish congregation...

in New York honors its Rabbi for 25 years of service by sending him to Hawaii for a week, all expenses paid.

When he walks into his hotel room, there's a beautiful girl, nude, lying on the bed. She says, "Hi, Rabbi, I'm a little something extra that the president of the board arranged for you...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young woman visited her doctor complaining of a bed wetting problem. The doctor asked her the usual questions and then asked her to go behind the screen and remove her clothes. She was a bit shocked but went ahead anyway.

When she was undressed he asked her to stand on her hands in front of and facing a full length mirror. The young woman was even more shocked but if it would help solve her problem she thought she had better do what the doctor said. As soon as she was in position the doctor asked her to open her legs...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I accidentally walked in on my granddad having sex with grandma.

I yelled for him to get dressed and put her back in the urn so we can have a chat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hurricane Gussy (NSFW?)

A man enters a brothel and tells the madam he's looking for something new and exciting.

The madam says "Well, we have one girl who is a contortionist."

The man says "No, that's too ordinary."

The madam thinks for a moment and says "What about a Hurricane Gussy? Have you ever ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A film director is getting ready early in the morning to start work.

It's 6am. There's a knock at his trailer door. He answers and a crew member tells him that they've been postponing too long and have to get to work asap.

The director knows this but appreciates the reminder. He only has time to get dressed, no brushing his teeth, no eating, nothing else. ...

A woman visited her doctor

Complaining about a personal problem: she had a habit of wetting the bed. The doctor said, “I’ll have to examine you to find the issue”

“Ok,” said the woman, “what do you need me to do?”

“I’m going to ask you to you shut the divider and undress,” the doctor replied.

The woman b...

An elderly Catholic school teacher was seduced by the priest.

As she got out of his bed and began to get dressed, she said, "I can't face the children next week and tell them to be good, when I'm nothing but a regular sinner!"

"Regular sinner? Sister Catherine, you've only done it once!" said the priest.

"True," she replied, "but we still have th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man visits this Asian doctor

And pleads "Doctor, you have to help me, I am too ugly"

The Asian Doctor replies "Hmm, okay, do me a favour, take all your clothes off"

The Man does as indicated

The Asian Doctor Replies "okay, now turn around"

Again, the Man does indicated now feeling like he should get ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was at the bar of a Mexican restaurant one night...

...when she saw a much younger man enter with some of his friends.

She went over to strike up a conversation with him. Though she was pushing 40, she was very attractive, and she could tell this barely 21-year-old man was into her. So she suggested that they go back to her place. The young...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Role Playing

So a guy says to his Polish friend, "I really envy you. You've been married for over ten years, and you still get along great with your wife. How do you do it?"

"Role playing," says the Polack.

"What do you mean, 'role playing?'" asks his friend.

"Well," says the Polack, "someti...

Kanye West

After a long day at work, Kanye West goes to his Kanye Nest, to take a Kanye Rest. He wakes up feeling his Kanye Best. Then he'll get dressed in his Kanye Vest, and go on a Kanye Quest. He goes to church to get Kanye Blessed, and then to a hotel to be a Kanye Guest. Then he's off to school to take a...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.