UPJOKE
meetassemblecollectpile upamassaccumulatecongregatehiveget togethersummonmusterconvenemobilizegarnergathering

A group of Arab businessmen were gathering for a meeting ...

As they all filed in to take their seats, there was a round of semi-formal greetings exchanged, with many courteously bowed heads.

One attendee rushed in slightly late and sat down, and, unsure of what had already happened, leaned over and whispered to his neighbor, "Has the meeting started y...

An old man lies on his deathbed. The end is near and family is gathering.

His memories run through his head as he lies alone while people talk in the other room. Sad things, joyful things. So many joyful memories. He thinks he smells his favorite cookies baking. Wait, the smell is real! His wife is making cookies, something she has not done for years!

He rall...

Three vampires are gathering in the middle of the night to compare their strength...

Says the first : See that woman over there? Wait... <wooshes away and comes back after 20 seconds, the mouth still dripping of fresh blood>. See - it only took me 20 seconds to completely empty that body!

Says the second : Not bad, but uh... see that village over there? Wait... <woos...

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Who has seen...

A priest kept chickens at his village. One day the cock went missing. At the church mass prayer gathering, the priest asked, "Who has a cock?"

All the men stood up.

"No, I meant who has seen a cock?" he asked.

All the women got up.

"No, no, who has seen a cock that isn'...

What do you call a failed gathering of crows?

Attempted murder

Who would have thought that one day we'd be smoking weed at a family gathering....

.....but the illegal part would be the gathering.

In the year 2010, the Lord came unto Noah and said:

“Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flash before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending ra...

How do you organise a gathering in space..?

Planet..

What do you call a gathering of Karen's?

What do you call a gathering of Karen's?

A group of Karen's is called a complaint!

After getting punched for making a racist comment at our last family gathering, my uncle won't be attending the next one because

black eyes matter.

What do you call a gathering of people with skin disease in Ireland.

A Leper-Con

If you think that your computer, laptop and phone spying on you is scary then think again,

Because your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years

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A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.


Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the larges...

The CDC recommends that funeral gatherings be limited to 30 people and holiday gatherings be limited to 6 people.

Funeral proceedings for Gobbles the turkey will be held on November 26th and again on December 25th. Please bring beer to celebrate his life.

The government announced that because of Covid, we can have gatherings of up to 5 people without issues.

Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without issues?

If you’re gathering with family & friends today, there’s an opportunity for recreating an historically accurate tradition.

The trading of disease ridden blankets.

I love potato leek soup

So I'm gathering my ingredients and as I approach the leafy items in produce there are two blue hairs gabbing right in front of the leeks.

I pause politely while wide balling the ladies with gaping eyes.

"Uh, pardon me ladies but I must take a leek."

Hey girl are you a Magic The Gathering card?

Cause i’d tap you

Social distancing guidelines have been relaxed, and we can now have gatherings of up to 8 people without issues

But I don't even know 8 people without issues.

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What kind of Bees produce milk?

There is no creature for which this is more true than the honey bee. Amazingly, queen bees are genetically exactly identical to worker bees. But they’re fed a different diet from worker bees their whole lives, from the time they are tiny larvae, until the day they die. This different meal plan cause...

CDC advises no gatherings of 50 of more people...

So dont worry, Trump inaugurations are still a safe place.

Once Devil Appeared Before A Gathering. Everyone Left The Place Except One Old Man

The Devil Asked Him, "You Old Fool! Don't You Know Who I Am?"
The Old Man Replied, "Yes!".
The Devil Said,"Aren't You Afraid Of Me?"
He Said, "No!"
The Devil Was Amazed And Said, "Why Aren't You Scared Of Me?"
The Old Man Replied, " I Have Been Married To Your Sister From The Last 48 ...

It's COVID-19, not CORVID-19. A corvid is of the crow family. 19 crows are not gathering to kill you...

But if they are... its a murder.

I turned up to what was supposed to be a vegan gathering

but there was no meet.

What do you call a gathering of 30 people?

4 weddings and a funeral.

Did you boys ever hear of the planet where the inhabitants were mobile flowers?

Remarkably similar to Earthly blossoms, but they had feet and human intelligence.

The whole planet was ruled by a king called Richard the Artichoke-Heart, and one day at a court orgy his eye was caught by Fuchsia, a pale-eyed perennial. Her beauty was so great it almost made up for her stupi...

A Family Gathering

At a family gathering, a young boy suddenly lets out a noisy fart.

"Bobby, manners please, you shouldn't do that in front of your grandma."

"Sorry, Dad, I didn't know it was her turn."

A young man and woman hit it off at a gathering

and the conversation soon turns to talking about their families. The girl sighs and says, “I'm sure wherever my dad is, he's looking down on us.” “I’m sorry”, the boy says sympathetically .”Oh, he's not dead.”, replies the girl, “Just very condescending.”

CEO of Tesla invented solar-energy gathering grass!

I love the stuff, I filled my entire yard with it. My only complaint is the weird smell. Has a real e-lawn musk to it.

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Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upstate New York.

She spoke for almost an hour about her plans for increasing every Native American’s present standard of living. She referred to her time as a U.S. Senator and how she had voted for every Native American issue that came to the floor of the Senate.

&nbsp;

Although Hillary was vague a...

A New Case

The Mother Superior of a convent calls a special meeting of all the sisters to make a very important announcement. The nuns all gather together, whispering about what it could be. As the Mother Superior walks up front, a hush comes over the gathering.

"I have to tell you that we now have a c...

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

Hey did you hear about the gathering of St Patricks Day enthusiasts who all contracted a contagious skin disease?

Yeah they’re calling it Leper-con.

An elderly preacher and his wife of a similar age are ecstatic when she becomes pregnant...

They'd tried for years when they were younger, but after it never happened they'd given up on the idea, deciding it just wasn't in God's plan for them. They told their friends and family the good news.

One of them told the local paper about the miracle child, and since it had been a slow news...

I was hosting a gathering for my blonde girlfriend's birthday. I told her it was casual and when everyone arrived she appeared with her outfit around her ankles.

Everyone gasped.

"Blame my boyfriend," she explained, "He said dress down!"

Today I threw a gathering of crows at my friend

I murdered him

I'm proud to be a Asian descent, with my family name Chao. When we have family gatherings…

It's completely Chaos!

Why do Magic: The Gathering players love Michelle Obama?

She's a first edition Black Flotus

What's an international gathering of Volkswagen vans called?

A combination

Harry Potter is invited to a... "gathering" at Hogwarts one night.

He is told to go through the door marked by a gryphon. As he does so, he wonders what this is all about. When he enters the room, he is stunned to see Malfoy obviously inebriated on the floor, just slitherin' over to the side, towards a guy who would repeatedly huff 'n' puff clouds of smoke. Next to...

A brunette, a ginger and a blond were driving a beetlein a desert...

Suddenly, the beetle breaks. Each one of them starts gathering things to survive.

The brunette takes the water bottles and says: "I've taken the water so that, when we are thirst, we can drink".

The ginger takes a portable fan and says: "I've taken this small fan so we can cool ourselv...

the worm protector of the world

there’s this worm guarding the world, let’s call him Nate. Nate’s amazing. he’s been around for all of time, protecting the lever on a side of a mountain that’s always been “on”. Nate’s never let it switch to “off”, and that’s a good thing.

Nate is famous, as he should be, and although there...

Day 1: Staying home, avoiding social gatherings and eating food in my room

Day 50: Continuing with this process

Day 100: Still feeling okay

Day 2500: Now a global virus has arrived and others are doing what i do.

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