UPJOKE
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An old man lies on his deathbed. The end is near and family is gathering.

His memories run through his head as he lies alone while people talk in the other room. Sad things, joyful things. So many joyful memories. He thinks he smells his favorite cookies baking. Wait, the smell is real! His wife is making cookies, something she has not done for years!

He rall...

What do you call a failed gathering of crows?

Attempted murder.

Who would have thought that one day we'd be smoking weed at a family gathering....

.....but the illegal part would be the gathering.

Four priests met for a friendly gathering

During the conversation one priest said, “Our people come to us and pour out their hearts confessing certain sins and needs. Let’s do the same. Confession is good for the soul.”

In due time all agreed. One confessed he liked to go to movies and would sneak off when away from his church. The s...

Three vampires are gathering in the middle of the night to compare their strength...

Says the first : See that woman over there? Wait... <wooshes away and comes back after 20 seconds, the mouth still dripping of fresh blood>. See - it only took me 20 seconds to completely empty that body!

Says the second : Not bad, but uh... see that village over there? Wait... <woos...

I respect a person who socializes with others by playing Magic: The Gathering.

They're a mana culture.

Two days ago I was invited for a National Sorry Day gathering.

Sorry, I couldn't make it.

Whilst drunk at a family gathering, my uncle told the entire family this joke...

A man was waiting for news of his child's birth. the doctor comes out and goes: "We have good news and bad news, which one would you like first?"
The man goes "I'll take the bad first"
Then the doctor tells him the bad news "Your baby has down-syndrome, we're so sorry"
The man replies "So...

What's the difference between a little guy with a pot o' gold and a big gathering where people's limbs are falling off?

One's a leprechaun and the other's a leper-con.

The CDC recommends that funeral gatherings be limited to 30 people and holiday gatherings be limited to 6 people.

Funeral proceedings for Gobbles the turkey will be held on November 26th and again on December 25th. Please bring beer to celebrate his life.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upstate New York.

She spoke for almost an hour about her plans for increasing every Native American’s present standard of living. She referred to her time as a U.S. Senator and how she had voted for every Native American issue that came to the floor of the Senate.

&nbsp;

Although Hillary was vague a...

A group of Arab businessmen were gathering for a meeting ...

As they all filed in to take their seats, there was a round of semi-formal greetings exchanged, with many courteously bowed heads.

One attendee rushed in slightly late and sat down, and, unsure of what had already happened, leaned over and whispered to his neighbor, "Has the meeting started y...

What do you call a gathering of Karen's?

What do you call a gathering of Karen's?

A group of Karen's is called a complaint!

How do you organise a gathering in space..?

Planet..

A Family Gathering

At a family gathering, a young boy suddenly lets out a noisy fart.

"Bobby, manners please, you shouldn't do that in front of your grandma."

"Sorry, Dad, I didn't know it was her turn."

I just read that my phone and computer have been tracking me, and my Roomba has been gathering dirt on me for years now.

Today I discovered my smart refrigerator. Has been ratting me out to Weight Watchers.

A shy guy goes into a pub and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.

After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”.

She responds by yelling, at the top of her voice, “NO! I will not sleep with you!”.

Everyone at the bar is now staring at them. Natural...

What do you call a large gathering of Irish people?

Lepre-con

Hey girl are you a Magic The Gathering card?

Cause i’d tap you

What's an evil gathering called?

A demonstration

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cocks

A priest kept chickens at his village. One evening the cock went missing. At the church pass prayer gathering, the priest asked:
-“Who has a cock?”…All the men got up.
-“No I meant who has seen a cock?”…All the women got up.
-“No,no, Who has seen a cock that isn’t theirs?”…Half the women go...

CDC advises no gatherings of 50 of more people...

So dont worry, Trump inaugurations are still a safe place.

A zookeeper lost a pair of mongoose to a storm and needed to replace them. He began writing an email to his supplier...

“Dear sir, please send me two mongooses at once.”

That didn’t sound right, so he tried again.

“Dear sir, please send me two mongeese at once.”

That still didn’t sound right, so he gave it one last attempt:

“Dear sir, please send me one mongoose. And while you’re at it...

What do you call a gathering of 30 people?

4 weddings and a funeral.

If you think a microwave spying on you is bad, just remember

Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years.

What's an international gathering of Volkswagen vans called?

A combination

Why do Magic: The Gathering players love Michelle Obama?

She's a first edition Black Flotus

What do you call a gathering of people with skin disease in Ireland.

A Leper-Con

A young man and woman hit it off at a gathering

and the conversation soon turns to talking about their families. The girl sighs and says, “I'm sure wherever my dad is, he's looking down on us.” “I’m sorry”, the boy says sympathetically .”Oh, he's not dead.”, replies the girl, “Just very condescending.”

Why are masochist gathering in French bakeries?

Because they're full of pains.

The government announced that because of Covid, we can have gatherings of up to 5 people without issues.

Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without issues?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you think that your computer, laptop and phone spying on you is scary then think again,

Because your vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was pressured by his parents to attend a formal gathering...

Everything was going fairly well. He was largely being ignored, which was for the best so he avoided saying anything to embarrass himself.
Unfortunately, he had been holding in a nearly full bladder full a while and it could not wait until the end of the party. he had no choice but to walk up to ...

I turned up to what was supposed to be a vegan gathering

but there was no meet.

Vegans don't like gatherings.

They just can't meat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a gathering of judgmental Catholics?

Critical Mass.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One time I was at a party and noticed a large group of people patiently waiting their turn to fill their cups with some sort of fruit juice cocktail. Gesturing towards the gathering, I asked one of them "What is this?"

"This is the punch line"

Harry Potter is invited to a... "gathering" at Hogwarts one night.

He is told to go through the door marked by a gryphon. As he does so, he wonders what this is all about. When he enters the room, he is stunned to see Malfoy obviously inebriated on the floor, just slitherin' over to the side, towards a guy who would repeatedly huff 'n' puff clouds of smoke. Next to...

Why do vegans rarely hold gathering?

Because they avoid meet.

After getting punched for making a racist comment at our last family gathering, my uncle won't be attending the next one because

black eyes matter.

Dealing with Corporate Information Gathering

The other day, I was purchasing a television antenna in a major electronics store and was asked by the cashier for my name.

“Why,” I asked. ‘I don’t need a warranty.”

“I have to have it for our records,” explained the cashier.

Fed up with practice of companies gathering as mu...

I get concerned when a bunch of pigeons start gathering together

I worry they’re arranging a coo

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

What do you call a gathering of Arthur's Knights?

A Sir conference.

I recently went to a gathering for turtles...

..bit dull. None of us came out of our shell.

If you’re gathering with family & friends today, there’s an opportunity for recreating an historically accurate tradition.

The trading of disease ridden blankets.

The communist party of Russia is having a large gathering with all members...

...and Stalin is giving a speech. Suddenly, someone in the crowd sneezes. Stalin stops his speech, furiously slams down his fist and shouts "Who dared to sneeze while I was talking!? Raise your hand immediately!". The room is silent and nobody raises their hand.

Stalin says: "If nobody raise...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump built a house of cards out of his Magic the Gathering collection.

It was a little house, but it had multiple floors, and was even sturdy enough for a sitting room on the second floor. Donald loved to go up there and draw in his coloring books. One day he thought something might be wrong with it, which frustrated him, since he had worked so hard on it. Angrily, he ...

Did you guys hear how boring the annual gathering of reddit mascots turned out?

It really turned into a huge Snoo's fest.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Fonzie Jokes: Guaranteed to solicit awkward groans in any social gathering.

Do you often find yourself thinking "what this social gathering needs is some awkward silence!" Well, you have come to the right place. these jokes are 10,000% guaranteed to get you all the groans and derrisive stares you want, guaranteed or your karma back!

Here is collection of comedy gold ...

It's COVID-19, not CORVID-19. A corvid is of the crow family. 19 crows are not gathering to kill you...

But if they are... its a murder.

Why has President Trump suggested people avoid gatherings of more that 10 people?

Any higher and his supporters would have to remove their shoes and socks to continue counting.

A man finds himself in a jungle surrounded by cannibals…

Seeing no possible way to escape, he says to himself, “Oh God, I’m screwed!”

Suddenly a light shines down from the heavens upon the man and he hears the voice of God, and God says, “No my son. You’re not screwed. You see the rock on the ground next to you? The pointy one? Take it and throw i...

Hey did you hear about the gathering of St Patricks Day enthusiasts who all contracted a contagious skin disease?

Yeah they’re calling it Leper-con.

Social distancing guidelines have been relaxed, and we can now have gatherings of up to 8 people without issues

But I don't even know 8 people without issues.

I'm proud to be a Asian descent, with my family name Chao. When we have family gatherings…

It's completely Chaos!

Deficiency

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease.

"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"

"That's easy," he...

I think Noah might be the craziest of Biblical figures; hearing God, building an ark, gathering animals

The whole thing sounds delugional.

What did the vulture police officer tell the gathering crowd about the roadkill?

Carrion people

What does a southern belle playing Magic the Gathering say when her opponent disrupts her mana production?

My lands!

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